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Updated completely irregularly!

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If you believe our stinking lies.

Dear Scribes,
Oooh!!! Owwww! The PAIN! The pain of waiting for DKC 64 to come!!! Who are you going to put in it? Donkey Kong and Diddy! PLEASE!!!! I have a few name suggestions for DKC4!
1. Donkey Kong Country 64: KAOS Kontinues.
2. Donkey Kong Country 64: A banana is forever.
3. Donkey Kong Country 64:KONG KLAN'S KAOS KRUESADE.
4. Donkey Kong Country 64: Who you callin a chimp, chump!
5. Donkey Kong Country 64: No monkeying around!
Adam Neikirk

Wow. They're, like, really bad. But not as bad as the one I'm still campaigning for after all these years: K. Rool's Supercool Stool Pool, a quest set during the 70s where DK has to prevent the leader of the Kremlings from polluting Donkey Kong Country by, er, 'passing a motion' in the water supply.

Dear doddering old grandads of the software world,
Re: Alex Duin.
I'm an obviously mentally diseased American who feels that when my video game enemies stay in one piece I'm being denied something. Now, you may see things a little different over there in Britain, but frankly I don't care and I want you to pamper my every homicidal need. So why don't you just take your fluffy, cute, well-thought-out games and just drip them in all the blood, gore, skin, women, and bad language that my poor eyes can stand. For the love of God, when I play Goldeneye I get so frustrated at the red patches that my Ruskie friends grow after I've nailed them again and again with assault rifles, automatics and every other bullet firing weapon under the sun, that I have to cause explosions all around them so that they fly across the room just to sate my aching need! Please! Make a game that deserves an adult rating, or I'll send over our over-trained, bored and disturbingly nationalistic military to hold you at gunpoint until you succumb to my demands! Dude.

Golly gosh! Looks like that fellow Duin was blinking well spot-on, chaps. Now, let's get back to work on this Monty Python game, shall we? (Sigh.)

Dear Scribes,
Killer Instinct is an Instinct Tat is Killer :)
Blast Corps is a Corps Tat is Blast :)
Perfect Dark is a Dark Tat is Perfect :)
Banjo-Tooie is a Tooie Tat is Banjo :)
Now for the real question...
How did you create the best first-person game in the world with absolutely no experience making first-person games (as far as I could tell)? If you did that, you should be able to make the best strategy, roleplaying, realistic racing, space shooter, and sports games in the world with no experience too, right? But more importantly, are any of these types of games in development?
Matt Einhorn

So what's Jet Force Gemini, then? A Gemini tat is Jet Force? That's just stupid.
Speaking of JFG, that's our obligatory space shooting game, and good old Ken Griffey on the SNES was more than enough for us when it comes to sports games. As for the others, you'll have to wait and see. Obviously. Oh, and we made GoldenEye good by accident - it was supposed to be a big sack of arse.

Greetings writer o' the scribes.
I was having a nice sit down and a cup of luke warm tea the other day when it hit me that I had never finished a game by Rare. Reaching the regular old K. Rool on the Kong games is easy enough, but then I had forgotten about the Lost World and the bleedin' TUFST cheat on DKC3. I have since been lost in my room trying to get that legendary 105% so I can beat Cranky and be happy for the rest of my life.
Why do you Rare guys make your games so hard? Ever since I started this I haven't been able to concentrate on my shiny and spanking new PAL copy of Banjo-Kazooie. Do you purposefully make your games this way so hard-working people like me pull our hair out?
And that's it.

So it's not the main game that's hard, it's the bonus bits bolted onto the end... that's good, surely? Because then all the kiddies and stupid people have a chance to make it all the way through, while the hardened gameplaying psychopaths can get their money's worth by hammering away at the extra challenges like budgies at a window. That's sort of the plan.

Dear Scribes,
JINJO!!! The first time I heard that said, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. Then, after finding the fifth, I heard all five yell excitedly in unison. WHAT A RUSH!!!
I'm just wondering why there is such a lack of Jinjo art. They're so damn cute. I bought the BK Player's Guide and the only Jinjo art in the book was a picture of their heads. There needs to be a group shot for these underestimated prisoners of BK. After all, they are the key to the whole game. Without them, Banjo and Kazooie would be toast, and Banjo-Tooie would be visions of their funeral. So, how 'bout it, what about a Jinjo group shot. SAVE THE JINJOS!!!

Okay, okay, you win... for you and all the other dribbling (and possibly perverted) Jinjo fanatics out there, here's a lovely polygonal group shot of the only three of the buggers I could find. Have, er, fun with it.

To whom it may concern....
I have compiled a list of questions for you guys:-
1. Are you making Tomorrow Never Dies? When is it coming out?
2. How do I get to the secret Banjo-Tooie areas? It's just like DKR right, where I get another adventure to do?
3. How do I get to play 4 player deathmatch on the other arenas in G. Eye?? I there a code to do this? I know there is a way to do it!
4. How do I access the 24th slot cheat option in G.Eye?
5. Are you making a Gran Turismo killer in secret?
6. Can I play as all the Bonds in G.Eye?
As you may have guessed the above 6 questions I have compiled are the most fu*"?g annoying questions I have to put up with on your site, in every single N64 magazine, and basically everywhere and anywhere in the world where you see anything at all on RARE. Are people stupid? Do they have to be told everything 10 times before it sinks in?!
I've got a few more too, but are N64 specific and not just RARE related....see if you can recognise these little gems:-
1. Will FFVII come out on the N64? Are Square planning any RPGs at all?
2. Why must we wait so long for N64 PAL releases? There is no excuse for such a long wait after the NTSC release blah blah yawn yawn etc etc.
3. When is the 64DD going to be released? Will it have the modem on it or not? (my personal favourite, this one).....
4. Is Luigi in SMario64? Where do I find him?
5. Why are third party titles so sh*t on the N64? (this is a valid one though, I have to say!)
Anyway, enough moaning. I do have some serious stuff though..... 3D games - they are brilliant, and perfect for the N64. But I still love 2D games too - games designers seem to have forgotten how good 2D games can be. Remember Contra III, Castlevania? How about Super Metroid on the SNES? The game is absolutely brilliant, a classic, no question. Now if Rare were to make a 2D, Super Metroid inspired game for N64, it would be very special indeed. Yoshi's Island showed that the graphic abilities of the machine with a 2D game can be fantastic, and with the Rare magic you could get the all important atmosphere just right.
I am all for 3D of course, and Zelda looks better and better every month (and BK is great...well done). But I would definitely still buy a great 2D game, and so would a lot of other people. Also, this could be expanded to include the 'Old School' RPG's on the SNES.......Secret Of Mana, Chrono Trigger, Breath Of Fire etc etc. Now these games were brilliant, and very similar games could be released easily on the N64, with improved visuals and sound but a similar 'feel'. Look at Alundra on the Playstation.....this is what I am getting at. You do not have to push a machine like the N64 to its limits in order to make a brilliant game, if the design and gameplay are right then you are virtually there. Multiplayers could be brought in too - Gauntlet the arcade machine springs to mind. I defy anyone who plays with 3 mates on that machine even today not to have a brilliant laugh.
So that's about it really.
Oh yeah, if you guys do have a 'secret' game you are getting ready for the Xmas period, make it a Resident Evil rip off please?
Tony Banks

You wait - I'll get hundreds of mails demanding to know why I didn't answer all your questions. (By the way, just out of interest, are you Tony Banks the politician or Tony Banks out of Genesis?)
As far as the 2D/3D debate goes, well, it's a fact that people in general expect 'better' things from their 'better' consoles. Hence the gradual disappearance of 2D games since the 16-bit days. The Graphics Tarts really are on the rise, but then again, that doesn't have to be a bad thing: compare the success of
Super Mario 64 to that of Yoshi's Story. 3D games can just as easily be classics if the same levels of thought and dedication are applied to them. And this reply has become far too sensible so I should probably stop now.

Dear Scribes,
Well looky here, I've been wandering through the thousands of pages you created purely for the joy of seeing your guests entertained (I assume that's why, since I heard you get paid in bran muffins), and well, as hard as it for me to admit this, I got a bit lost. So, instead of simply pushing the "Back" button like any logical person would have, I decided, "Hey, why don't you start reading some of the text (which by the way is something probably anyone with any amount of intelligence would have done, too) instead of just looking at all the shiny pictures." So I did. And you know what I discovered? You say "We" a lot. For example, "We like to think he was referring to Rarewhere..." (yes, I got lost on the front page. Quit your snickering). Why do you do this, since you are only one person? So I thought about it, and pondered, and thought some more, until I came up with a few possible reasons. They are:
1) You meant to type "I", but your clumsy fingers simply pressed the wrong buttons.
2) You have multiple personalities, and you like to think of them all as real, separate people.
3) You are surrounded by the Jinjos who have no work until the release of Banjo-Tooie.
4) You think the collection of Trolls on your desk are real people.
That's all I was able to come up with. If 3, say hi to the yellow one. Although we did have to work out a series of whistles to communicate, he was the only one I could have a real conversation with. The others just yelled "Jinjo" and flew away.
Thank you for letting me waste a few minutes out of your busy day,

What are bran muffins? They sound like a laxative.
My habit of referring to myself in the plural stems back to my heyday as the tyrant king of an obscure Pacific island, where anything but the most concrete regal behaviour would have undermined my barbaric rule and condemned me to a grisly fate on the Wheel of Spasmage.
No, alright, it's just a corporate thing. I'm representing the whole company on this web site, you understand. It remains to be seen what happens when the management cottons on to this fact.

Dear Scribes,
I just today finished Banjo-Kazooie with all 100 jiggies, and got done watching these pictures you won't be able to access until the sequel. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS AT RARE? That's basically saying, "Oh, here, you can have most of the game you paid 50$ for, but you'll have to pay 50$ more for the rest of it, okay?" I don't feel safe buying Rare games anymore because I may have to pay double to see everything in it. That just makes me feel appalled.
And guess what? I don't have to get Banjo-Tooie to get into Sharkfood Island or the Ice key. I can just use a GameShark! Yes, even as we speak, a secluded gamer with no life is desperately hacking into Banjo-Kazooie and eventually, he will find a code to unlock these secrets! Bwa ha ha, I've deprived the greedy hags of Rare of 50$!
A very appalled person

Sigh. The secrets were added to the game's ending as an added bonus for those who played through to the end, not a vicious taunt as so many of you seem to think. Just think - if we hadn't put them in at all, we'd have had none of this trouble and you'd be none the wiser. But we didn't, because we thought it'd be a nice surprise for devoted players. Shows how much we know about human nature.

Dear Scribes,
I have a suggestion for your website. Being from the USA, I am completely fooled by the English vocabulary you guys use. When I was filling out the suggestion form, I was puzzled by the words 'clive' and 'dinkers'. I mean, what the heck is a clive?! So I would really appreciate it if you would have a translation of vocabulary page. It would be 50% joke and 50% helpful. I'd know I would look at it! I also have another question. My friend said that he pressed buttons one day in a level in Banjo-Kazooie and the ice key door was opened! I don't know if he's telling the truth or lying, so I would also like that issue cleared up. Thanks for reading my letter!
Michael D9

That's just Mr. Pants. He's a bit eccentric when it comes to wordage (amongst other things). 'Dinkers' is a mutated form of 'dinky', meaning nice/cute, a word quite possibly used by no-one else in the country. And 'Clive' is of course an affectionate reference to Sir Clive Sinclair, mental ginger inventoholic who just happened to come up with the Sinclair Spectrum all those years ago.
Yeah, all you have to do to get all the secrets in B-K is 'press buttons'. We're amazed nobody figured it out sooner.

Dear Rare people,
From my understanding Ken Lobb is a game tester at NOA. If I'm wrong you can stop reading right now. Now you guys/gals named the Klobb after him. Now it is my understanding that you have to be pretty good at games to be a tester, right? Why is the Klobb the worst gun in GoldenEye? Is it some kind of comment towards his manhood? Did he tell you that GoldenEye sucked and would never sell 10 copies? What's the deal? If anything the Phantom should be the Klobb and vice versa.
I have a bet with someone about this,

Mr. Lobb's slightly more senior than 'game tester', I think you'll find. Anyway, here's the team's tactful official reason: "It was the only gun that needed a new name at short notice. And it does make the best noise." Their unofficial reason was far too offensive to reproduce here.

I just want to know the difference between sending a letter to you guys and writing to Uncle Tusk. What subjects are favored by Scribes? By Uncle Tusk? Oh, and it would be really neat to have a Battletoads for the N64. Get the girl, play co-op to beat up your friends instead of the bad guys...
Without you guys at Rare, Nintendo would be in the pits now. Really. And Americans aren't as dumb as you say, we just don't know our geography. England is that place in Asia, right?
As one pot in Banjo-Kazooie might say, "Thank You".
[har (or boshi006, whatever you like better)

It hasn't gone unnoticed that the line between Scribes and Uncle Tusk is becoming blurred. Must be down to my latent urge to kill. Basically Tusk is there to help you out if you're stuck in (or have a specific query about) a Rare game, whereas Scribes is just here for... well, all the rest of the rubbish.
And get your facts straight - England's a small town in Wales.

Hey, Rare,
I just finished BK and have to give you ANOTHER standing ovation! I've been buying your games since DKC and have ALWAYS been impressed with the detail and sheer FUN of your games. Banjo-Kazooie is just another example of why Rare will be around for quite a long time... I also wanted you to know that the "older" players are out there and buying your games. Even a 31-year-old loves the overly-cuteness of the DKC and BK titles... Keep it up! (BTW: When will BK2 be coming out? ;-)
Waiting in anticipation...
Matt Gomes

You see? This is what the world should be like. None of this hair-raising bloodlust and addiction to heavy artillery - just loads of people of all ages scampering about in lurid green fields with their mutant animal chums.

Dear Scribes,
After seeing your site picture on your website I was wondering if the fact that you are supposedly (I'm told) located in Twycross is true? If so, where is the cricket ground, the pub and the garden centre? And the vast open space for miles?
Also, I can't believe you don't think my beloved Tamworth is lovely. I mean, the ski dome/cow shed is a work of art, the network of underpasses are NEVER graffitied and the people are all very pleasant. OK, perhaps I lie a little there, but I'm sure it beats off any competition Hinckley, Leamington Spa or (dare I say it?) Twycross can offer!
What ever happened to an old Bond film being the Goldeneye sequel? I was quite looking forward to Live and Let Die...
The man from Del Monte (aka Tamworth)

Credit where it's due, Tamworth is indeed more exciting than any of those places. But it's also less exciting than, for example, opening a packet of crisps.
We never had any plans to make a new Bond game based on an old film: just one of those thigh-slapping Internet rumours we've all come to know and love, I'm afraid. Still, you can always go and play the late 80s Spectrum version of
Live and Let Die. It's... really good.

Dear Scribes,
How in the name of the voodoo god did you manage an "Everyone" rating on Banjo-Kazooie with such extensive use of the words "butt" and "dung," characters like Mr. Loggo and his, erm, pile of stuff down below, Kazooie's voicing of his opinion as to where the giant ice key should go, and in the last battle, Grunty's proclaiming that she has to take a leak? You must have threatened some lawyers with crosses and holy water to pull that off.
The oh-so-great and wonderful PhReaKy MoNKeY

Come on, it's not exactly hardcore filth, is it? 'Butt' and 'dung' are both legitimate words, neither of which are ever likely to be used again by anyone who's discovered their stronger alternatives: same goes for 'taking a leak'. And toilets are naturally amusing. Overall I thought we exercised admirable restraint. Crosses and holy water, though - we didn't stand a chance with any of that...

Scrib Folk -
There's somethin y'all need to know about the American video gaming industry: It sucks. No, that is not intended as an insult to your conversion programmers who spend countless, tedious hours in front of a cold, lifeless work station for lack of any real companionship save the microscopic infestations taking every opportunity to populate their soiled briefs as quickly and efficiently as possible. I am not for a second questioning their motives or reasons for devoting the more youthful halves of their lives to the entertainment of America's lazy-ass electronically stimulated mush brains. After all, were it not for their selfless devotion to exploiting the ingenious national structure of capitalist consumerism to the fullest extent of the physical world, the American video game consumer would be without the few good titles with which they have provided him (or her). What I am saying is that with the exception of Nintendo itself and your magnificent party (neither of which I realize are American companies), the American video game industry is riddled with the most half-assed, monkey-spankin', lie-spewin', bitch-slappin', excuse-givin', ovaltine-sippin', fat-lippin', penny-pinchin', beacon-tweakin', profit-seekin' group of degenerates on the face of our particular planet. My suggestion to you is that you sit the American consumer down on his dooky butt and set your composure aside in explaining to him precisely how he is doing nothing but harming the questionably salvagable remains of what used to be a market of scarcely adequate good product-to-bad product ratio by supporting the quick buck crap companies who provide him with nothing but repeated successful attempts at poor, but marketable crap titles. I believe it would behoove you to continue the excellent work you are doing while employing the type of marketing strategy which ridicules and insults the rest of the industry which you so gracefully and forcefully leave behind while slapping the American consumer across his empty head in an attempt to wake his sorry ass out of the apparent break in consciousness from which he suffers. May this painstakingly drawn out complimentary suggestion suit your fancy enough to consider the possibility of turning this gross industry upside down, or at least share my view with your numerous legions of internet junkies. Thanks for the open ear. The opinions that matter hold you in high regard.
Sam Kirk

I haven't had this much trouble concentrating on a single paragraph since Debating Texts: A Reader In 20th Century Literary Theory. But the overall message is appreciated. I think. Um, thanks. I'm just going off to order an initial production run of 10 million for our latest crap wrestling tie-in.

Dear Scribes,
While browsing around your excellent website, I noticed you spelt bag(ged) blag. At first, I thought it was a mistake, but then I saw it again elsewhere on the page. Please sate my curiosity and tell me. Is this a genuine conicidence, a British idiosyncrasy, or am I just totally wrong?
Thanks, and may the force be with you.
Mark Stephens

You don't use the verb 'to blag'? Oh. Well, it means the same as 'to bag', I suppose - i.e. to get your hands on something (for free, if possible). 'Blag' just sounds better. Shut up! It does.

Dear Scribes,
While I know you won't listen to a young turk like me, I've come up with several game ideas, some silly and some serious. How about Donkey Kong Country 0, a prequel starring Cranky Kong and Bazooka Bear (from DKC3) fighting in the Kremean War that was briefly mentioned in DKC3. You should also make Donkey and Candy: The Wedding, where Donkey and Candy finally tie the knot in the first ever Donkey Kong RPG! Finally, make Diddy Kong Racing 2, where Wizpig can finally die, and all the furry young animals can have bacon for breakfast! Seriously consider my ideas. Anything with the words 'Donkey Kong' on it these days is a fortune.

Groovy ideas, with one exception: Wizpig can't die. This is the world of cutesy games you're talking about, and death isn't even conceivable (except in Pipsy's case - funny how she brings out the worst in people). No, Wizpig would have to be farcically fired into outer space from a big cannon, or flattened into a big grumpy puddle by a steamroller, or something. See how we've got a handle on this whole cutesy thing? Uncanny, isn't it?

Dear Scribes,
Call me crazy, but the soldiers in Bunker on my Goldeneye sometimes unmistakably shout my name. They also make strange pleas for forgiveness. I can hear them yelling "Tom, stop! We give up!" in which they proceed to drop their weapons and put their hands behind their head. In a similar case Boris downloaded a bomb that destroyed the Bunker. My last complaint is that my right hand falls off in Control and a cannon is exposed. While this would be beneficial, I cannot control the firing. If you know of anything that would prevent these events from occuring please write back.

Perhaps a more expensive psychiatrist would help. There's no way the soldiers are shouting your name unless your parents christened you 'Aaargh' (which, on the basis of this letter, doesn't seem too unlikely).

Dear Scribes,
Ok, I was just looking at all the stuff for the new game Perfect Dark, and I'm already totally psyched by the pictures and well, I guess the overall hype in its comparison to Goldeneye (which in my mind is the best game ever made). But there's one thing I'm not real comfortable with... the lead character is a woman. I mean, no, I'm no chauvinist pig, I just find it harder to see a woman doing all these action riddled things, not to mention cruel things. So don't you think you could put a male character in also?? Like, maybe you can have game players choose whether they want to use Joanna Dark aka "Perfect Dark" or her husband Jack Dark aka "Major Dark". Yeah, I like that. A leading woman just, to me, gives the game an overall softer look. Sorry, haha.

Yeah, we're going to include Daisy Dark the happy flower as well for all you pacifists out there.
You don't think women are capable of cruelty? Ohhhh, sir, you're woefully mistaken. Why, I remember the time when...
(Stop now before you doom us all. - The Management)

For the record, I'd just like to say that Evil Villain should be called evil plagiarist, because he gave an almost word for word account of an idea for the Zelda trilogy I sent to, the scum!

I can't decide whether that's funny or just really boring.

What is RC Racing. I've seen it mentioned in release lists. Its meant to be a Rare game. Is it just a load of terd.
Nathan Wulff

It's certainly not our 'load of terd', I'll tell you that.

Please would you make a Red Dwarf based game as it would be really cool to control characters from the programme in a Rare game. Just picture using a scutter in a death match, against Rimmer.
The Queen

'Everybody's Dead, Dave': the world's worst deathmatch option?

I heard on the internet that if you bang on Motzand's organ the number of times there are red bands on the snowman's scarf, he will get crabs! Is this true?

Crap wordplay and toilet humour - always a winner, I say...

If Kazooie is in the sequel, please have him stop labeling everyone in his path as ____ Boy. Hut Boy, Stupid Boy, Ugly Boy, Dictionary Boy, Boy Boy, Girl Boy, Armageddon Boy... it gets to that point of just being retarded after a while.
Dr. Pickle

No, wait, it's hilarious. It says here.

I was going to ask you about Zelda, but I am going to ask Nintendo instead.
Dr. D. Gearin

Thus depriving me of a fine reason to hurl abuse at you. Bah.

You crap flicking junkies! You plucked all of Kazooie's feathers and used them as a decoration on the Scribes site! I HATE YOU!!!!!
Phil Henshaw

Nurse! Fetch Banjo's medication!

June 2, 1998
June 23, 1998
July 24, 1998

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