Dear Scribes,
Hey, guess what? I'm not a babbling idiot! I actually have something coherent
to say! And you especially should post this letter, because there's a $100 bill
on it's way to your house.... err... I asked nicely. So, I'll start off with my
greatest question. You said in Scribes that Donkey Kong Country 64 is
not yet under
production. Well, actually you just couldn't give us a story line, so am I to
assume that if you can't give a story line, that it's not under production? Oh,
I also have this little idea, that you crafty 'ol marketing licensing people
over there in Twycross are gonna pull a Diddy Kong Racing
on us. Remember last year? That game came out of nowhere! Please say this is
the case with Donkey Kong 64! Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make a Rare-spoof picture
for "all the world to see". Which one do you think would be better? The Banjo-Kazooie
group under Godzilla's foot, or Spinal bungee jumping from the Eiffel tower?
Oh, yeah. I have also, (for the pure enjoyment of Scribes readers, only.
Please don't send me hate-mail for this) compiled all of the Scribes
annoyances into one excruciating, fingernail-on-chalkboard, eyeball-popping
sentence. Here goes:
Yo! G! Me Californna, Briatn games good, How u say terd, I say terd, also you
say tea 'nd scrumpets, post thsi leterr!!1!111!!!!!111
Phew! Now wasn't that FUN! Oh, and....umm....Oh yeah. I'm
sorry. My mind goes off sometimes. You are awesome, man! You put little
subtitles into the pictures. I especially like the "innocent of all innuendo
banana bird" joke on the DKC3 page.
Great work! It had me rolling on the floor, laughing! Oh, just one last thing.
How do you guys do that thing on all of your furry cute characters? You know..
the graphics where you can see each individual hair on the character's bodies?
I saw this method first in Diddy's Kong Quest. I make 3-D pictures, and I've
tried layering transparency maps, and all of that stuff, but it doesn't work
like yours! How do you do it?
Thank you for reading this senseless letter. I reeeally (I misspelled really
intentionally, just so you know) want to know how you do the graphics, and the
stuff about DKC 64.
Forever a fan,
Chad McCanna
We didn't say DKC64 wasn't in production, you young scamp. Well, perhaps we did say it ages ago when it
wasn't actually in production, but that's alright. We can't give you a storyline because
either it hasn't been finalised or it's being kept under lock and key until the team's ready to release a whole
load of stuff at the same time, but we'll keep you posted, obviously.
The level of detail on our renders is made possible by the high-end Alias software we use (and some half-decent
artists, I suppose). As you've noticed, the hair particle shenanigans only really came into play between the
first and second DKC outings.
And Spinal bungee-jumping from the Eiffel Tower sounds like it could be interesting...
Dear Scribes,
How come, at the end of the facility in Goldeneye if you are carrying an
assault rifle, Bond manages to stuff the entire thing in his pocket without any
effort. In many later stages, he is carrying around 3 or more guns, and his
pocket doesn't even bulge? This is even weirder when you have the all-weapons
cheat on. He totally stuffs his pockets with everything from tiny remote mines
to a tank. Did Gruntilda cast a spell or something on them? It would free up
some extra space if he was carrying a TazerBoy Pocket instead. Speaking of
which, when will it be available for purchase in the U.S.?
Very Sincerely,
Roximm
The normal version of the TazerBoy comes with an on/off switch complete with LED which flashes when battery
life runs low. But we've decided to produce a special solar-powered edition for you and you alone, kind sir,
which remains permanently on and thus comes without the LED. Because Roximm, you don't have to put on the red
light. (Pause.) Laugh now.
Dear Scribes,
Is there actually a port near Twycross or did you just write "Twycross-England"
on the side of the ship in Rusty Bucket Bay for the hell of it?
Or are Banjo and Kazooie mysteriously teleported to a small polluted, claustrophobic
port in England every time they jump through the world door?
David Sheehan
Twycross is about as far from any port in the country as you can get, which makes the irony even more clever and
amusing, probably. Still, if we're going to get picky, the ship was basically made in Twycross - in some inanely
metaphysical sort of way.
Dear Scribes,
The stories to Perfect Dark and Killer Instinct seem remarkably similar.
Allow me to explain. Perfect Dark is about a female secret agent (Joanna Dark) sent
to investigate a large corporation (Datadyne). Killer Instinct has a secret
agent (B. Orchid) sent to investigate a large corporation (UltraTech). Is this
just coincidence? It might open up possibilities for KI secret characters in
the game.
Oh, oh. Forgot to say something really stupid to get my letter printed.
IrRabee3@aol.com
So you went back and typed over your original first paragraph with a load of old rubbish? Arf arf.
No, to be fair, I suppose we could have crowbarred Orchid into the plot if we'd wanted to. But that's about
the only similarity between KI and PD, and as they're developed by two completely different teams
for different target audiences, the likelihood of crossovers is, er, unlikely.
Dear Scribes,
Judging by some of the comments on your
letters page, a few people seem to think that a game has to be realistic to
be good. Was Banjo-Kazooie ever realistic? How many people outside of a
mental institution can seriously claim to have seen a honey bear running
around with a backpack containg a breegull and rescuing Jinjos (adorable
things that they are, I am quite sure that they do not exist) - none, I
should hope. But yet this did not prevent Banjo and his feathered friend
gaining unanimous (and deserved) praise and acclaim from everyone fortunate
enough to have ever even seen the beautiful game (not football). And what
about other games such as Diddy Kong Racing, Mario Kart 64, Super Mario 64,
Lylatwars, Forsaken? Okay, realistic games are often good, but the best
games are not always realistic. I rest my case.
Frances Cork
Realism's an almost impossible thing to pin down. The reason people have been picking on GoldenEye's level
of realism in particular is because that's a game set in the real world in modern times, so naturally people are
going to get a feel for the situation and decide whether or not certain aspects are realistic. With games like
Banjo and DKR, of course, they're not intended to be realistic in that sense - and as you say, who
can claim to know how a world peopled by fat witches and pirate hippos with gastric problems would work?
Like most things at the end of the day, the ongoing 'realism' scuffle is just a matter of everyone who comes
along automatically assuming they know better than the last person.
Dear Scribes,
What on God's green Earth is that little thing that sits beside Rubee? It looks like a legless armadillo.
Also, will it be starring in its own game, or making any cameo appearances? And why doesn't it show up in the
Rubee picture on the Scribes page? Why, your non-inclusion of that thing has made me start my own New Legless
Armadillo Order page. It's too late to stop me now!
Ben W.
Sorry. That'd be Toots. I don't know why he/she/it's been cut out of that picture up there - probably something to
do with his/her/its limited contract. I asked one of the B-K artists to bully a brief introduction out of him/her/it:
"Hello. I am not any species. I have no gender. I don't know how old I am. I didn't get to move around, and I
only had one little sound effect. I mean, really, I was the most underrated and underused character in BK.
For God's sake, my agent promised it was a major role, but I didn't have any dialogue. Maybe next time I'll get
to move around a little - could be tricky, not having any legs an' all, but maybe someone could build me a little
trolley. Love, Toots."
Dear Scribes,
STOP SAYING ARSE!
I see too much of it, your site must have arse written all over it!
IS ARSE YOUR FAVORIT WORD!!!???
I know I spelt favorit wrong so don't correct me!
Your site is good but don't say arse any more.
One letter said something about
Nintendo's arse and you replied it's nice and warm! DISGUSTING!
dfSyuwaetqwfejrfyifwedrerywehgiruhrgfrfi-now look what you've done!
I'll be on a high blood pressure rate all week now!
Bravo, oh here's some Canadian slang; A for ARSEhole!
Maurice Sanderson
Yes, arse is my favourite word. What's wrong with that? Its flexibility is unsurpassed. My arse, your arse,
up your arse, kick some arse, arse off, shut your arse, load of old arse, can't be arsed, arse it up,
don't get arsey, arse to that. And the response to the Nintendo's arse thing was meant to convey the sentiment
that we're perfectly happy in our business partnership with Nintendo at the moment and feel no overwhelming desire
to develop for any rival platform or publisher: some people just took it hilariously out of context...
Dear Scribes,
Regarding letters previously seen I may express a strong opinion in
that Guards! Guards! is not better than Small Gods. But then again
that's hardly relevant with the price of small shelled aquatic things
that seem to have an uncanny knack of conducting an orchestra, is it?
Still you lot should all go round and camp out on Terry Pratchett's
lawn (assuming he has one) and get him to say that you can make a
Discworld game. Yes I know there's those pointy clicky things on the
PC and that uhhh Sony whatsit... oh I heard something about it the
other week, fairly well known apparently. Anyway, Rare would be able
to make a good Discworld game.
While we're at it I found your comments on David Darling and that
other guy ummm the Jet Set Willy bloke, very amusing. As such I have
decreeded that you shalt knock down the doors of Codemasters and
declare that you shall make the next Dizzy game. They'll probably send
you to the Oliver Twins and they'll send you to Big Red Bus software
and they'll look blankly at you. But someone needs to resurrect that little egg.
He needs to be redeemed after the shameful nature of Spellbound Dizzy
or those annoying collection type games. You're our last best hope. Just think,
you could have "ACTUAL N64 SCREENSHOTS!!!!" emblazoned on the box with large
yellow star things encompassing them. "SUPERB GAMEPLAY", "I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!" -
the head programmer.... and other such nostalgic things.
John Edwards
You are misguided, sir. Small Gods was one of the weaker novels, sound in premise yet uncharacteristically
lethargic in execution. And the Dizzy franchise is an even more obscurely British one than Discworld,
which does sort of limit international sales expectations. Perhaps we should do a 2D flip-screen platform game
based on the antics of a more established British export such as the Spice Girls, eh? Or perhaps not. Mind, some
people seem to think we are anyway.
Dear Scribes,
hello. I am juanjose, i buy a game of GOLDENEYE 007 (RAREWARE) BUT I HAVE A TROUBLE
BECAUSE WHEN AM IN THE LEVEL 18 -CRADLE, END THE GAME, I KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS
LEVELS 19 (AZTEC) AND 20 (EGYPTIAN).
WHAT GOT TO DO FOR PLAY THIS LEVELS, DON´T CAN´T TO SEE THEM?
WHEN FINISH THE LEVEL 18 CRADLE IN SECRET AGENT THE GAME FINISH HERE?
PLEASE HELP ME FOR DO IT.
I AM VERY INTERESTING IN BUY THE NEW GAME PERFECT DARK YOURS CAN SEND ME, WHATS IS
THE PRICE? AND WHAT GOT TO DO FOR US SENT ME THIS GAME?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I AM WRITING FROM POPAYAN, CAUCA. COLOMBIA.
PLEASE CONTEST ME FAST!
Juan Jose Alvarez
I know it's bad form to make fun of someone's English when it's not their first language, but "Please contest
me fast!" is the best phrase I've heard all year.
I'm sure you are very interesting, Mr. Alvarez, and I'm sorry you have a trouble. Finishing all the
GoldenEye levels on Secret Agent should open up Aztec for you, and finishing them all on 00 Agent should
allow you access to Egyptian. Perfect Dark, meanwhile, is still in development and won't be out until
next year. We'll be contesting everyone fast with more information nearer the time.
Dear Scribes,
Please tell me what I think is not true. In one addition to Scribes, either the first or second... you said a
British delicacy for you all at Rare was quote: "chips and a fag". I'm not sure about in Britain but here in the
U.S. "fag" means slang for a gay person. I'm hoping that you didn't mean your favorite meal is chips and a gay
person, because then I'd have to think about that every time I went to reach on the shelves for a Rare game.
Please prove me wrong,
Bhlaab
Now that's not a very 90s attitude. Anyway, as I suspect you know and are merely exploiting the potential
confusion to comic effect, 'fag' is actually common British slang for 'cigarette'. But hey kids! Smoking's not
big or clever - I was merely using it to conjure up a particularly crude example of British cuisine.
Dear Rareware Guys,
Breasts. That got your attention didn't it? Well, this email
is basically about them. This email is less of a question, and more of
a comment to other readers of this email (assuming that you do post this
email onto your letters section) that Jo Dark has great breasts.
(The word 'great' is used in this context as a synonym for 'perfect
for child-rearing purposes'. I would not on any level condone the
chauvinistic-male, sexually-driven practice of 'breast-admiration'. How
awful! :))
I mean, judging by the current screen shots that you've offered us
adoring public, it's inevitable that people are gonna start complaining
that Jo Dark's breasts are nowhere near as 'great' as Lara Croft's.
You cannot deny the fact that comparisons WILL be made.
But here is my comment to all of those who complain about the
apparent, inherent lack of 'child-rearing' properties on Jo Dark:
JO DARK IS WEARING A FUTURISTIC CATSUIT.
Anyone seen Lost in Space (the movie, not the show)? Anyone notice
Mimi Rogers?? Anyone notice what she was wearing??? Anyone know what
Mimi Rogers looks like outside that futuristic catsuitish thing?????
Well, for those of you who don't know, Mimi Rogers (outside of that
futuristic catsuit thing) gives even Lara Croft a run for her money (in
the child-rearing stakes that is :)).
So before anyone starts to give flack to Rare for not making Jo Dark
so.... noticeable, well, then I ask you to go rent some Mimi Rogers
movies from your local video store (with your parents' company that is).
Please post this up coz that'll make it 3-in-a-row for me,
Joe F. Tangco
We'd welcome your arguments if only there was a hint of resistance to them in the first place. However, as of
yet we haven't had a single negative comment on the size of Ms. Dark's physical assets, and your energetic
defence only serves to underline the suspicion that you've been spending far too much time thinking about it
yourself. Tut tut, young man.
Dear Scribes,
I am writing this letter in response for the pretty old "Diddy has no tail" letter. You lie! Look at the
little picture I found on the July 7th edition of Unckle Tusk! HE DOESN'T HAVE A TAIL!!!!! HE DOESN'T!
*Takes more prozac* He really...*passes out*
jbaker
Stop it. Not only is it obvious that gravity and Diddy's inverted form are conspiring to conceal the appendage in
question, but this render was created during DKC2, a time when Diddy's possession of tailage was never in doubt.
Dear Scribes,
My brother and I came up with this (utterly odd) idea for a game... A sequel to Diddy Kong Racing.
The characters are in a race (Ancient Lake) and all of a sudden...Krunch...disappears! The next few races have
other characters-Diddy, Drumstick, Conker, T.T., etc. disappear. Then T.T. comes back, escaping the kidnapper,
but soon everyone but Bumper, T.T., TipTup, and Pipsy are gone! Pipsy and TipTup suddenly realize that T.T.
and Bumper are kidnapping the other racers, since those two obviously gay bums want to be the only racers in
the game. When they realize that Pipsy and TipTup are on to them, they leave, preparing a big race that will
test your skill. Later, when she finds out that nobody is in charge of the Time Trials mode, T.T.'s good
younger sister Timette signs up for that place. In the game, you would start out with all the characters, but
as the game progresses, you would eventually lose them. You finally only have the four mentioned, and then
Bumper and T.T. would run away, preparing the ultimate challenge. Then Timette would join you. As you progress,
you rescue the other racers, and when you finally get to T.T. and Bumper, you have them all! How's that?
Christie and Steven Shepherd
I can't see how a gay relationship between Bumper and T.T. would work, exactly, and T.T.'s a bit too... unimposing
to make a decent baddie (though any fool can see that Bumper's seething with negative vibes beneath that
happy-go-lucky exterior) - but other than that it's a groovy idea. We get to re-use the same tracks, same
characters and same game engine: all we have to do is block access to the racers as the game wears on and
there it is - DKR2. Masterful.
Dear Scribes,
I wish to take up residence in Nintendo's arse. But first I need to know a couple of things.
1. Ok, is Nintendo's arse warm, or is it rather chilly?
2. How many flats are there in Nintendo's arse, can I get my own or do I have to share with you guys
(I don't mind either way, except for Conker HE'S EVIL, NO GET AWAY YOU FURRY LITTLE -bleep-)
3. How much per month in Nintendo's arse?
4. Does Nintendo's arse come pre furnished or not?
5. If I lived in Nintendo's arse would I get to try out yours and Nintendo's pre release flash roms?
6. Since you live in Nintendo's arse you would have played Zelda 64, what do you think of it?
7. If Nintendo asked you to stop renting their arse as a friendly piece of faeces and be absorbed by their
arse to become a full time haemorrhoid would you?
8. Have you moved to Nintendo's arse so you can expand in size (that's a big arse)?
9. Would you recommend Nintendo's arse to someone who's never lived in a sphincter before?
Thank you for answering my questions about Nintendo's arse.
Also, what month at THE VERY LATEST do you think Perfect Dark will be popped out of Nintendo's arse?
Teddly Wigglums
Oh God. IGN64 are going to have a field day with this. I'm saying nothing - in fact I'll deny everything.
What? Nintendo's arse? What are you talking about, you mad fool?
Dear Scribes,
I and my friends have been puzzled as to the national origin of Banjo
and Kazooie, and were wondering if you'd settle a dispute. I say that Banjo is
clearly American, mostly due to his proficiency at playing the banjo, an
instrument native to our country. His semi-verbal utterances of "guh-huh"
closely resemble those of certain notable American cartoon characters. My
friend, on the other hand, maintains that Banjo is British, solely on the basis
of his tight, yellow Euro-shorts. We agree that Kazooie's shrill voice, scrawny
legs, state of toothlessness, and biting wit clearly mark her as coming from
the eastern side of the Atlantic. Is this true, Rare? Does Banjo come from
America and Kazooie from England, placing them in the ranks of other fine
American-Anglo duos like the slow-witted but well meaning Ronald Reagan and the
vicious and birdlike Margaret Thatcher?
Hellbilly
P.S. If you're really serious about making famous, suave British characters into
popular video games, consider Benny Hill 64. Imagine Benny spewing
incomprehensible Cockney gibberish at 60 frames per second, while chasing up to
thirty scantily clad women onscreen simultaneously. Then you could move beyond
puny BAFTA awards and start racking up the Nobel Prizes.
Benny Hill's wacky molestation adventures would indeed transfer well to a Banjo-esque 3D environment, but
somehow I can't see Rare going for the licence. No ambition, that's us. As for Banjo and Kazooie, er, I don't
think they're even supposed to be from this world, let alone a specific country. You're confusing realities
again, aren't you? Either you've got too much time on your hands or you need to go back to the doctor for
some more of those pills.
Dear Scribes,
In response to "Austin 3:16 Forever"'s little question about why
wrestlers interfere with his match, it's probably because he selected the
"Battle Royal" or "Gauntlet" option. Here's some advice for you, Mr.
Austin 3:16 Forever: ASK THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE GAME! If you're smart
enough to send e-mail, then you must know the difference between Rareware
and Acclaim! Even simpler, READ YOUR BLOODY MANUAL!
Oh, yeah, you Rare-people are tickin' me off. I've sent you sooooooooo
many letters, and not one is on Scribes! How much do I have to pay you?
You've already gotten thousands of my shoddy American dollars from me
buying all your merchandise! By the way, I love Banjo-Kazooie more than
life itself.
I've asked this before: is there any way that I could get the music to
Banjo-Kazooie In sheet music form? You know, all written out with little
circles with lines on them?
What kind of education does a person need to become a game maker like
you guys? I'm thinking of becoming a computer artist for games.
I wish you well... enough.
Amanda Schroeder
Don't shout at us. Like that mental bloke in The Frighteners, we're frightened of being shouted at by women.
Even the really strange ones that would rather die than be without a particular game.
The Rare musicians are all neanderthals who make music with stone drums and dinosaur bones, so their compositions
never exist in sheet form. Sorry.
Education doesn't matter as much as natural talent and enthusiasm in this industry, though of course you won't get
very far if you don't learn to focus your skills (young Jedi). Most of our programmers and artists went through
the relevant university courses, but that's not a pre-requisite if you're naturally good enough.
Ah, more fuel for the America vs. The Rest of the World debate...
Dear Scribes,
Sigh... I wasn't gonna get involved in this fight, but they crossed the
line. "They" is of course, Spa1886174@aolcom. First of all, on behalf of
us Americans, let me apologize for for his opinions. All the games he
listed really weren't that good, and not all of them were American games
at that!! And he made several uninformed decisions about foreign games.
Not all Americans are as ignorant as him. Most aren't actually. If he
has such fierce loyalty to America, then join the army, don't write
stupid letters... but, to all you Brits out there, I WILL say this,
American games don't suck, Sony games suck (usually) and people
interpret these as American (even though they usually aren't). And, they
all aren't based on the same idea. Do you really expect every game to
create an entirely new genre?? And, lastly, I'd like to pat Rare on the
back for not taking sides on the issue where it would have been very
easy to do so. So, in conclusion, some American games suck, some Brit
games suck, and some Jap games suck. There is no real answer to this
question, it's all just whatever your personal opinion is. So, on that
note, I think I'll go light another candle on my Tip-Tup shrine....
Justin Davis
PS. I forgot to mention, no, I don't think it makes a difference how
good a game is by what country it's from. It's all in the hands of the
makers.
Dear Scribes,
In response to SPal886174@aol.com's letter, this is what I have to say.
You must have been REALLY desperate looking for good ol' American games
to come up with Cruis'n USA and Clayfighter. Thanks to you,
I don't have to write a long argument anymore, because you've just named
two nice examples of rubbish, derivative American games for me. Thanks!
You also asked what I'm going to do about your response. No, I'm not
going to send the French Mafia (???) after you. Rather, I've got a
better person to send after you. The best, actually. Uncle Tusk, are you
listening? And don't forget--you just called his companies' games
"euro-crap". He must be p*ssed. Go get'em Tusk! :-)
Ravi Hiranand
PS And if Tuskie weasels out of this one, there's always James Bond to
send round to your place. Or Pipsy. And don't forget Mr. Pants.
Tusk's straining at the leash, but I'm not letting him go because - hey guys! - everyone's entitled to their
opinion. Instead, I'm going to be really fair and open-minded and stuff and take this opportunity to replace a
couple of the less popular Random Forum threads with new ones relating to this very subject and the endless
moaning about videogame violence. So any further letters on either topic will be automatically diverted there:
check it out now and babble some rubbish of your own. Please contest me fast!
Dear Scribes,
Would it be possible to have two Scribes pages, one for letters from the
USA and another for letters from the UK and rest of the world. The reason
for this being that I usually print the Scribes page so I can
read it at my leisure, and I've found that letters from the US are
invariably a complete waste of paper.
I mean, how many times do I need to hear about how good American games
are, from Americans. In my experience anyone in the UK who shares this
opinion is generally 12 years old, or younger. Also, why do Americans
feel the need to use at least one slang word in anything they type. In
my opinion American games are more often than not completely crap, with
terrible graphics and even worse gameplay. That's why, in order to save
the rainforests I think you should have two versions of Scribes.
Matthew Sullivan
P.S. When was the last good game that Midway produced, anyone???
You're a charmer, aren't you? You've even branched out in your abuse from the basic topic of American games, so
I'll get all the angry retorts coming to this page instead of the shiny new Forum thread. Still, nothing like a
bit of comically generalised controversy to keep the fires burning.
Hidie-ho there, Scriberinos!
Three Scribes ago you fellas posted my "mad" pleas for a Tiptup game, and
I couldn't help but notice that your take on it was...less than
enthusiastic.
"What is it about Tiptup that inspires such mindless devotion?" you
ask? I would hardly call it "mindless". Not only was my letter
posted, but you said the big T. would be seen in 1999 AND there were 2
letters backing me up in the next Scribes. GOOD JOB SIR SLUSH2 (If you
rare guys dropped Tippy from an eagle and exploded him, you'd be feeling
the battery filled end of my remote control against the back of your
noggins real quick) and, Will Gordy (but, I'm kinda confused about
Gordy...The first half of his letter was obviously inspired by mine and
the second part was...in bad taste.). Could a mindless slob do that!?
Now I'll just assume Tiptup will be in Twelve Tales in 1999.
Here is my argument....
I sit in a cold, grey room, listening to myself breath through my
Helmet-Mounted-Breathing-Apparatus. Suddenly, the area beside me is
replaced by a small hologram of Tiptup. He is dressed in a black cloak.
"How is the construction going?" he inquires.
"On schedule, my Master." I reply. The helmet makes my voice sound like
James Earl Jones.
"Good, good. We may have problems lying ahead," he tells me, "there is
a disturbance in the Force."
"Yes, I have felt it too." I assure him, knowing what he will say next.
"Young SkyConker is too dangerous, he must be destroyed." he demands.
"I have another plan," I tell him, "SkyConker will turn to the Dark-Side!"
"And if he doesn't??" Tiptup asks, "He may come after you and try to
undo our creation before it is complete."
"I have laid a trap here, my Lord." I explain, "Let SkyConker and his
Rebel friends come! They will find a FULLY POWERED AND OPERATIONAL
DEATH-STAR!!"
Tiptup's image winks out, and I am once more alone in the room. Ominous
music plays as I stare out into the cold depths of space. I would turn
the squirrel or strike him down with my Television-Remote (The ancient
weapon of the Jedi).
So, as you can see, I expect Twelve Tales to star Conker, have Tiptup
as the final boss, and the game to take place on the forest-moon of
Endor. I trust everything is in order.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go convince LucasArts to make
"Dark Forces III: Leia's Double Trouble" in which Luke and Han are
kidnapped by King K-Vader-rool and it's up to Princess Leia (who can
fly with her two twisted up braids as helicopter blades) and the big oaf
Chewie (in blue pyjamas) to save the day via Barrel-Hopping!!
Hhhmmmm....maybe the voices, ur, my ideas are getting mix up a tad.
L8ER,
Beb a.k.a. Eric Rosenlund
Ah, but read on! Though Tiptup has claimed your soul and many others, the backlash is beginning...
Dear Scribes,
Ok, this whole Tip-Tup debate has got to come to an end. Let's face it, Tip-Tup
isn't that great of a character. We all know he's a TMNT throwback, but
some just don't want to admit it. He tried for the part, but it was obvious
he didn't have that flare that would appeal and relate to the young audiences
of the world. He didn't have a firm grasp on such commonly used slang terms
like "cowabunga," "totally tubular," or "gnarly." (Oh wait, no one ever used
those, ever, did they?) He also didn't have that buff physique nor did he
have sufficient training in ninjitsu. While he does appear to have excellent
driving skills, I don't think they needed a lackey just to drive the Turtle
Van. Furthermore, the TMNT didn't have a huge need from someone with musical
skills, now did they? (Although they did put out an album through Pizza Hut,
didn't they...) Hell, Tip-Tup couldn't even make it as a Koopa Troopa. Now
that's saying something. At any rate, Tip-Tup is nothing but a hack who
couldn't make it big time (after TMNT there wasn't an overwhelming need
anywhere for a turtle character), so, for whatever reason, he was picked up by
Rare. (Why, god, why?)
By the way, how do you Rare folks feel when people write in slamming your
characters? Are you bitter, secretly plotting to hire M-I6 to swiftly and
silently execute us all, do you even care, or do you just laugh insanely at us
since you've reaped millions from us despite our dislike for certain
characters? Or do you just take a field trip to wherever and flog random
people with dead cow carcasses to release your pent up anger?
Moop3@aol.com
Dear Scribes,
Ahh! Morons! They're everywhere! Ahh! Those to whom I refer are
those miserable malodourous miscreants that so blindly hail TipTup as a god.
TipTup, like any of the characters in DKR (except Diddy, but he's just
as bad) is a lousy extra. TipTup was created as filler only so you guys
could have a Donkey Kong related game out in time for Christmas. Why do
people like TipTup? Because they're idiots!
The one who will bring a stop to this insane
following of that fat tub of crap, TipTup
Harsh words. Unfortunately I can't be bothered creating a new Forum thread just for people to bicker about Tiptup,
so I'll have to keep dealing with it right here. Tsk.
We don't really mind when people write in to pick on our characters - you know how mild-mannered the British are.
Depending on how scathing the insult was, we either break the perpetrator's legs or just kill them outright so they
don't ever get on our nerves again.
And I'm sure the TMNT would welcome any interest from outside parties these days, judging by the state of their
latest series. Whoops missus!
Dear stupid messed-up Scribes, (oops, did I say that?)
In your updates I noticed that the dates are 24/7/98, meaning that you put the
day first. But on everything else I have ever seen, it is always like this:
1/24/98, meaning that the month is first, then the day, then year. Are you
guys totally screwed up, or is it just your country? (No offense.)
Andilite@aol.com
It's our country. We do it the right way round over here. What sense does it make to start with the month, drop
down to the day then jump back up to the year when you can just do it all in order from the start? Eh? Can anyone
shed any light on this?
Dear Scribes,
Mumbo Jumbo is a Jinjo? Please! That is the most ridiculous theory ever
(and yet it is the most popular). Mumbo has scales, where Jinjos do not.
Scales? By golly, I've got it! Mumbo is a KREMLING! He looks just like one!
That is also the reason he wants to eat Banjo and Kazooie all the time. He's
a Kremling!
SirSlush2@aol.com
Oi! Slush! NO! I appreciate your steady flow of input to the Scribes section and the many salient points brought up
therein, but I will not have you trying to impose your dozy species distinctions onto the unsuspecting public!
Take your inappropriate Kremling imagery and hop it!
Please send pics of Mr Pants in various seductive poses.
DeRat24@aol.com
