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Updated completely irregularly!

Another month, another mailbag. Well, actually it's been less than a month. But I don't care. I thrive on inconsistency. Stop complaining.

Dear Scribes,
Alrighty. Now while I suppose it unfair to hold you guys personally responsible for the loss of the Tomorrow Never Dies rights to that "other system", and while the promise of Perfect Dark is indeed tempting, I WANT BOND! No-one else has his class, his wit, his extraordinarily powerful movie tie-in marketing ploys. The end of your GoldenEye said he'd return! It did (sob). It really did (sob sob). You're a bunch of big fat dirty liars. LIARS LIARS LIARS! That outburst of emotion now somewhat cleared, I am led to understand you guys hold the rights to the other characters/films. Am I right, or do I proceed to ritually disembowel my informant? And if so, when will 007 grace my N64 again? When? When? WHEN?!
Andrew Ferguson

I hope you've got the comedy disembowelling toolkit on standby. We passed up on the offer to 'do' any more Bond games, because - let's face it - we're that hard. And though the 007 licence does have a certain advantage of recognition, it also comes bundled with countless restraints (fixed storyline, things the character isn't allowed to do, etc.) which the team wanted to shake off for their second venture into the genre. Innovation, mate, that's the plan. Are you seriously claiming to have lost faith in Perfect Dark just because it's not a Bond game?

Dear Rare guys,
Love the site. Really. Okay, I just like your site. Anyhoo, I's gots a question fors yas. What is the offical name for Donkey Kong World/Donkey Kong 64/Ultra Donkey Kong? Also, someone pointed out to me that you just whipped Diddy Kong Racing outta your arse, and didn't show it at E3. Any chance you might whip Donkey Kong World/Donkey Kong 64/Ultra Donkey Kong outta your arse, too?
Thanks a lot,
~Matt (

Hey! We so crazy, we don't even know what we're going to 'whip outta our arse' next. And we don't actually have a finalised name for DK64 - all the titles you've seen floating around so far are the results of various industry types (journos, distributors etc.) trying to pin a label on the thing. It could still end up being called Donkey Kong's Titillating Knicker Quest for all we know.

Dear Scribes,
I would like to know if it is official Rare policy to take a game that has sold well and make it look nicer? It seems thats what you always do; DKC was just a nicer looking (but shallower) Mario, DKR was just Mario Kart. Why don't Rare actually utilise all the great machines and staff they undoubtably have and produce some original games? Don't get me wrong, Rare make good games, but they could make great games. The only game that Rare have done that will survive the test of time (aside from their early stuff) is Goldeneye.
I know you probably won't print this letter because I'm not singing your praises and actually have a few serious questions (as opposed to telling you how great all your games are and asking you why Orchid doesn't marry Donkey Kong). But I'd like to know your opinions on this. Maybe I'm wrong. What do you think?
Michael Owen (

Have Orchid marry Donkey Kong? That's a brilliant idea! Thanks.
Okay, now let's see. How can we be expected to invent a completely new genre with every game we release? It's not possible. The only way that DKC was like
Mario was that both followed the same scrolling platform formula, just like several thousand other games since the dawn of the industry. Everything else (graphic style, modes of play, blah) was different - just as different as GoldenEye is from Doom, and yet you quote that as an example of originality.
There's no denying that sometimes you have to stick to a recognised format for your game to be accepted, but you can hardly accuse Rare of banging out inferior tat just to make money. Neither can you say that we wouldn't touch originality with a bargepole. Blast Corps, anyone?

Why don't you do a first-person breakfast cereal shoot-em-up using the GoldenEye engine? Well?� Levels could be spread across toast and there would be no need to eliminate pop-up.� Rice Krispies (tm) make passable hand-grenades for moths and you could do bonus levels where you have to eat raw Golden Grahams and snort milk.
At the end of every level you'd get a pile of statistics heaped on a muffin - like
jam - mostly raspberry
toaster setting - crumpet
milk turned brown - 40%
...that sort of thing.
If you go ahead with my idea - I insist on some sort of grocery voucher.
Mark Birchall (

It's the bored, disinterested tone of your idea that makes it such a winner. Nevertheless, we'd still prefer to make a third person game based on the always-entertaining antics of Morris dancers, where you chase a whole load of the buggers through a big cave until you get to a dead end - where they all wearily line up to have their little sticks with bells on shoved into places clearly not designed for such things. The simple ideas are always the best, we feel, and there's something there for all age groups.

Dear Scribes,
I remember when I first walked into an arcade and saw this black box surrounded by crouds of people and heard this deep voice yell Mmmmaaasssterrrr cooommmmbooo. Then being the curious gamer I am, I walked over and pushed people out of the way to witness KI. I was amazed to see the graphics...but as soon as I saw a combo done I HAD to play it. Ok enough corn balls. Im a huge KI fan, and own KI Gold. I love KI2 also and understand the absolute joy of its gameplay, but I honestly believe the reason it was a little less popular was not the long combos being worn out, it was that the graphics in KI2 were WORSE than KI. The arcade down the street has both games side by side and KI's graphics are crisper, more 3D, and look meaner. Now I understand about the new animations of the characters in the second game but they just dont make up for the smaller, more pixelated graphics in KI2. Also the characters in KI2 didnt have that distinguished ethinic backround that they did in KI. That was important because there was this cherokee kid that used to be cheif T. and I remember him saying "finnally sumbody put a indian in a game" That said let me tell you that my favorite game on the planet is KI Gold and I am praying you didnt ditch the series. Let me guerantee you there are millions of KI fans who are praying for KI3. Well thats my worthless two cents.(thats gotta be the longest letter ive ever written) >;^)
Aaron Menchaca (
p.s. when does Perfect Dark come out?

Despite what you might think, we are aware that there's a cadre of die-hard KI fans out there. But we can't spend the rest of our careers churning out 2D beat-'em-ups any more than we're about to devote the next ten years to a parade of soulless GoldenEye clones. Progress can be disheartening when you're a big fan of something, I know, but it's also inevitable. Life goes on. Things change. We're genuinely glad that so many people continue to enjoy KI, and we might well return to the franchise at some point in the future - nobody's ruled out the possibility - but right now we've got other fish to fry.
(PS Who can say? Next year sometime. When we're happy with it.)

Dear Scribes,
ok, here is the question i think everyone has been wondering about ever since this sight went up. If you could have a choice between having the power to control cottage cheese with your mind, or turn any part of your body into plumming equipment which would you choose and why? I think this question is important enough to all your readers to warrant a response.
Justin Davis (

If I were an obsessive, tragically misled Dr. Who fan who wanted nothing more out of life than to look like a Dalek, I'd have to go for the 'plumming' equipment. But I'm not, so it'll have to be the deeply strange cottage cheese mind control thing (though I'd make a point of never using it - terrible thing, megalomania).

Dear Scribes,
You guys at Rare are a bunch of old sods.� Putting out teasers and previews of a bloody good game like Perfect Dark, when you could quite simply release a ROM of the game and an N64 emulator and your problems would be eliminated.� What the heck is wrong with you old chaps?!
Steve (

Sounds suspiciously like a non-Brit trying to use British expressions, if you ask me. But you're right, we are a bunch of old sods. Sorry. I'll get a development ROM and a cheque for $500 in the post to make up for it. If anyone else wants some free money, just write in.

Dear Scribes,
Mr Pants!

Entertaining as these letters are, I suppose I'd better clear this up for the genuinely dense among you. Rare is a British company, yes? And because we've already got the word 'trousers' to describe the things you wear to cover your legs, we use 'pants' to refer to the things you wear under your 'trousers'. And being a nation obsessed with childish toilet humour, we find it funny to use the word 'pants' (along with a wide range of complementary vulgarities) as much as possible in everyday conversation.
So Mr. Pants' name isn't misleading at all - he is a bit of a disgusting sight, granted, but misleading, no.

Dear Scribes,
Ok I have a couple of questions and I am hoping you answer them...
1: After appearing in DKR, Banjo, and Conker both got their own game. I have heard that TipTup is in Banjo-Kazooie. My question is, will other DKR characters (like Timber or Drumstick) get their own game in the near future?
2: Are their any plans to make a 64 bit DKC, with a Co-Op mode like in Twelve Tales: Conker 64?
3: And I don't know if you know yet but will Perfect Dark feature more or less levels than GoldenEye?
Thank you for reading my questions, please print these I need to know.
JK (

1: Drumstick will be appearing in the 75% complete Wacky Abattoir Mayhem, a puzzle-based 3D platformer which will be Nintendo's big title at this year's Space World show. But if it's fact rather than stupid lies you're after, well, er, all I can say is "possibly".
2: What? Set it in a chain of cheap local supermarkets? Funny idea.
DK64 is certainly in production, but very few specific features/modes have been finalised yet. (Translation: we don't know.)
3: Erm... hang on. I'll ring the team. Hello? Yes... right. Okay. Apparently it'll have "less than three times as many levels". So that's that one cleared up, then.

Dear RW,

You forgot to disengage your unique Exclamation Lock key as well, you jabbering madman. Look, look! We've crowbarred a cameo appearance from Tiptup into Banjo-Kazooie for no other reason than to make you buy it. Are we really mean? Yes. We are.

Dear Scribes,
Let me start by saying your games crush all the competition's, sorry, except for Nintendo's own, and I never miss them!� I's just wondering about the pics shown for Perfect Dark.� Are they renders, or are they running on an N64?� They seem a little too high quality, or the game is about 5 minutes long!� But I guess you never know, Rareware has done amazing stuff!� Also, any movies from Jet Force Gemini yet?� I couldn't find them on any sites.� Oh, and another Blast Corps would be excellent!!!!
Cloud XIII (

They're definitely not renders. I'm not quite sure what we'd gain from faking screenshots, except a reputation for being big fat dirty liars (which we seem to have already, judging by Andrew Ferguson's letter).
Seems like no other sites have posted the E3 video of JFG yet - dunno whether they will at some point in the future. As for us, well, movie files are something we're looking into. I suppose we should have them really, but we're too tight to pay for the extra drive space. We'll see what we can sort out.

Hi, Rare Dude!!
Let me start off by saying that I love to come to your website and read your satirical replies to reader mail as well as other funny parts. (Mr. Pants Roxxxxx!!!1!!1!)
Now, on to the question: Are the employees of Rare all buddy-buddy with programmers for other companies, or is it like hush-hush, dont tell them anything about our company or we'll send the black helicopters filled with attack sloths after you?
Take, for instance, E3. Did people from your company sit around with people from (insert name of competing company here) and say "Oh, yeah, in Goldeneye, I had to fix a glitch thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big!", and, "It took forever to finish that one level. Don't tell anyone, but there's a part where I had to leave Oddjob and Mayday in that one room and I didn't tell the people at Rare"? Please reply, I need people to notice me and read my email and reply to them on their websites or I will die and fade away like the bad guys in Goldeneye.
J-Bond (

We love everyone, we do. For example, I'm sure a hypothetical group of our E3 representatives this year would have greatly enjoyed going to imaginary Atlanta strip joints and getting conjecturally trousered with fictional punters from other companies. (Though that's assuming a certain percentage of our staff is composed of tacky lowlifes, which of course it isn't.)

Dear Scribes,
Just a thought: just like Nintendo should release a Zelda Trilogy game with updated graphics, you boys should release Legend: Donkey Kong Country Trilogy. Update the graphics a bit, add some hidden things, maybe allow us to use, say, Kiddy Kong in DKC 1. How titalating!! Also, throw in a graphically (and otherwise, if you wish) updated version of the original Donkey Kong and DK Junior games. (In DK Junior, Mario is an evil poacher!!! Tee Hee!!!). Add a new, say bonus level mix of all the characters (including a playable version of Cranky, Wrinkly, Swanky, etceteras.) MORE KONGS!!! Throw in Donkey's distant cousin, the insane baboon I'd like to call, say, Nutty Kong. Release this awesome monster closely after Ultra DK or whatever it's called. This game could only take up, say, a 16 megabyte cartridge. DO IT!! The sales will be huge, the production costs will be fairly low, you will be victorious!!! I may be a loon, or a goon, or just a Nintendo geek, but you guys are whiz-bang and Jiminy Doo-dah!!
Love and hugs,
Evil Villain (

Er... thanks. Quite a few people have made suggestions along these lines, actually, which means that we'd be guaranteed sales of about six if we went ahead with it one day. There are drawbacks to it, though. The games are still selling as they are, for one thing, so most people who'd buy the compilation have already got each of the titles separately. I doubt they're old enough to be considered 'retro', either, so we'd just get slated for trying to make an easy profit. But it's a nice idea. You never know.

Dear Scribes,
Is there a Rosika Fanclub out there? I would love to receive the Rosika Monthly from now on, The Kick-Ass Granny fanclub.
Next Bond... have her running around with a Coffee Cart crushing people. Or not Perfect Dark but Perfect Coffee starring our favorite female to date.
Gul Zee

I'll pass on your undying admiration to the Rare kitchen staff member who provided the basis for Rosika. She'll be round to berate you over the state of your cacti any minute now.

June 2, 1998

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