Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
might even respond if you kidnap our families.
Updated at meaningless intervals!He's a sharp one!!!

I hate running out of things
to do - it means I can't
put off Scribes any longer.

JULY 1, 2002

Dear sir!

     Frustrated that the Gamecube was so late for arrival in Europe I went and bought a PS2... and what a treat!!! GTA3, Gran Turismo III, Rez and the fantastic Metal Gear Solid... I don't even need any stupid Gamecube... then I suddenly remembered Rare. DANG!!! Ok... no sweat... I'm buying the Cube in just 2 days! Hoping against hope that Joanna Dark will make it to the Cube... it would make me laugh though if it wasn't so... you guys haven't even announced it yet... and a place like IGN.com has a "link" for it in their preview section...
     And my all time favorite Conker... killed off in a motorcycle accident... I hope you just managed to get your spendings back on that game... but I would be very frustrated if I was never to see him star in another game... maybe a Banjo-Tooie kind of game where Conker rides around in Joanna's backpack!!??? If I had something to blackmail you with I would force you to make that game!! Oh well... here there be questions...
     1. Are there still secrets yet undiscovered by the public in Perfect Dark or CBFD??
     And that's it I'm afraid! A nice day to you!!!
     Erling Hansen (rainy Denmark)

You're right, we haven't announced any further appearances for JD or Conker yet. (Long silence.) Sorry, was there something else?
     Undiscovered secrets... well, I'll ask, but I can probably guess what the answer will be. Our PD designer 'insider contact' says: "How would we know? Here’s an idea - email everyone in the world who played PD, then get them to tell you what they didn’t find. Then you can tell us. But only when you have a complete list. Otherwise we shoot you."

Hello Loveyday,

     I thought I would send you a nice message on this "love"ly "day" (hahaha) but I was wrong. In fact, this is a despicable message. Anyway, I wanted to ask you how come you get people's RPAs mixed up so often? Is it because you print them all out, drop them in a pile on the floor, kick them around a bit (possibly wearing wellingtons) and them pick them up, randomly attributing them to letters?
     I have a list of questions, mostly pertaining to Rare. Look.
     1) With relevance to Super Smash Brothers Melee, HAL have done a fine job making sure the DK Rap is as humourless and, well, pitiful as the original. Discuss.
     2) I recently played Banjo-Kazooie again, it brought to my attention how little salacious or 'naughty' content it contains... I had for a while now remembered it as being very similar to B-T. It now seems to me that the designers & programmers are growing up and experiencing new emotions... no more family games for us!
     3) I hope you are going to save the sequel to Perfect Dark until later in the Gamecube's life when you have a better grasp of the machine's abilities and foibles. Then it should be a real... er... killer. But don't keep it until very near the end as you did with Perfect Dark - we want the world to experience PD, not just a select few.
     4) I also replayed Conker's BFD last week and am still astounded by the graphics and sound you lot squeezed out of the humble N64. marvellous. Anyway, enough of this awful fawning. I must go and shave my back.
     Lots of love (you should receive the money in the next couple of days),
     Thickioe the Prince of Winchesterlande
     P.S.You had better print this letter, it took me LITERALLY 5 minutes.
     P.P.S. I have my own A.R.S.E. mode, it doesn't stand for anything but involves kicking people's A.R.S.E.s until they are bright R.E.D.
     P.P.P.S. You (as in Loveyday) should be a character in the upcoming Banjo-Kazooie movie as the big baddie's right-hand 'No. 2' type. That would truly be wondrous.

I tend to dump all the potential Scribes letters and their attachments into the same folder, but by the time I've gotten around to writing up the page I've forgotten which goes with which. Especially if I've done something stupid like renaming any of the files. The Welly Method sounds intriguing, though - I'll look into that.
     1) What's to discuss? I saw Grant at a showing of Spider-Man last week and could probably have ruined his evening by bringing this up, but I thought I'd better not. Especially as he was making the effort not to refer to me as 'Juicy' in front of his other half.
     2) The designer says: "Surely this makes no sense, you thickioe. If BK was the 'naughty' one and BT wasn't, this would mean that our programmers and designers were in fact getting younger and more childish. A special commendation for the first use of the word 'salacious' in Scribes, however."
     3) That makes you the only person not telling us to release a sequel to PD immediately on pain of death.
     4) Thanks. Don't forget to soap up thoroughly in order to avoid unsightly lacerations.

Dear Well-Respected Scribemaster,

     I am highly anticipating the release of StarFox Adventures, and, unlike the majority around here, not for reasons that are blue and/or jiggly. Back when you had Krystal paired up with that Saber fellow, there were two musical numbers in the download section. One was called "Discovery Falls" and the other was set in a mine, if memory serves me right. Both were very spiffy, but after the game was McCloud-ified they mysteriously vanished. Did these tunes make it into the game, and would it be possible to bring them back for download? It's a pity to let good thematic music go to waste.
     -Tim Latshaw

'Saber'! Ack!
     Hopefully we'll be able to get a more contemporary selection of MP3s together over the coming weeks, but until then, here's an update on what remains of the older stuff from the SFA musician:
     "Discovery Falls: this music (and some of the graphics) now appear as part of Cape Claw. So yes, this still does appear in the game. A version of this tune is about to be re-recorded. It includes 'Krystal's Theme', and would probably make for a better MP3.
     "Dark Ice Mines: the original music for this level is currently not included in the game, but I'm hoping to blow the cobwebs off and give it a bit of a polish before re-presenting it."

Dear Scribes,

     You asked us to send in some ideas on who would play characters for a Perfect Dark movie. Here are mine:
     Joanna Dark- Elizabeth Hurley
     Daniel Carrington- Sean Connery (just throw some color into that hair)
     Jonathan- Owen Wilson, without Ben Stiller
     Trent Easton- Gary Oldman
     Mr. Blonde- Dolph Lundgren
     Cassandra De Vries- Meg Ryan, Grunty, or Mr. Pants in a dress... decisions... decisions...
     Do your doo-doo, I mean your duty, and post this. Thanks.

Gary Oldman's a decent call - he can do the 'dodgy figure of authority' thing with his eyes closed. On the other hand, Liz Hurley is better qualified to play Joanna's mother than Joanna herself; lovely lovely Meg Ryan is far too lovely to play anything other than lovely characters, of which Cassandra is arguably not one; and Owen Wilson, with his whiny voice and genuinely disturbing penis nose, should never be allowed in front of a camera again. Just an opinion.

Dear Minions at Twycross,

     1) How long ago did JFG come out? Years, I know cos I bought it at release and its intruiging to see on your Jet Force Gemini page words to the affect of "No Screen shots yet. Coming soon". I'm willing to bet that this has been the case for aggggggggggggggges. Is it?
     2) Any chance of your developing skills being turned to the more statistical RPG? You've got the talents to create the huge worlds, but button bashing just doesn't do the same thing as tactics for me.
     3) And Finally, on Kameo - Elements of Power, when you move into the mind of a creature, is Kameo still vulnerable to attack in her own body. Could add an interesting spin on tactics if you had to guard your helpless form.
     David Craigs

1) To tell you the truth, the shots have been on the site for ages but for some reason I never uploaded the index page. Oops.
     2) What can I say? You never know. Though personally I can't help thinking that this kind of thing's better left to the experienced niche developers who've been doing it for years.
     3) It could, but it won't. See here: "Kameo doesn't 'move into the mind' of her monsters - she actually becomes them. So making her weak and vulnerable when she's controlling a 10-foot-tall swamp beast will a) look silly and b) leave little reason for her to collect it."

Dear Scribe Kids,

     Firstly, I would like to admit I'm stupid. There, got it out of the way so you can criticise to your heart's content, it won't have any effect though.
     Secondly: I would like to be the one who clears up the rumor that your only job is writing responses to letters all day long. I know it isn't.
     Thirdly: While I have the chance, I would like to declare Goldeneye the best game on the 64 ever. Until recently purchasing a Cube, Goldeneye was still keeping me awake to the wee hours of the morning with its overwhelming multiplayer experience. I can honestly say, I would have passed some more subjects at school if I wasn't so obsessed with finding out the "Death Sequence*" in every level and crumpling my brother's crumpled body with another round of the shotgun before his carcass morphed to life again (an experience I was left without when playing PD, for some reason it just didn't have the same feel).
     Finally: A few questions just to ensure the letter has response worthy content.
     1) I think Kameo is seriously underrated by the press and the Nintendo world in general - due to its lack of publicity it's receiving compared to such titles as Starfox and Mario Sunshine. What do you reckon?
     2) A year or two ago (when Starfox was just plain old Dinosaur Planet) you released some cool MP3s of DP and I was just wondering, if they don't make it into Starfox for some reason, because my HDD crashed could you make them available for download again. Cheers if you do.
     3) Can you include a picture of yourself and put it on the Scribes page, because I think most people would like to see what kind of an idiot is answering these questions. (Even just a pic of your head on a computer generated buff body or a Banjo render would be cool). I'm serious. Come on. All you have to do is take a quick snap and load it onto the computer. Easy does it! Heck, what else have you got to do all day besides write responses to these stupid letters (responses to which we are very thankful for by the way).
     Alex Whately
     P.S. If you can get round the insults, a response would be much obliged. Enjoy the tea and crumpets and get snappin'. Still hanging out for Ground Force to do a Rare backyard cleanup special.
     * Order in which the players morph back into the level after I kill them (as if it wasn't fairly obvious anyway).

So... are you actually thanking us for helping to bugger up your education, or is this letter just one big outpouring of cleverly-concealed bitterness and rage? More importantly, are you any relation to Kevin?
     1) Actually, I'd have to disagree with you there. From what I've seen it's worked up a pretty good reputation considering that its single showing to date was over a year ago. Word of mouth has been good, expectations remain high - can't complain about that. No point cranking up the publicity until nearer its release...
     2) This one sounds familiar.
     3) No. I don't want to be 'mobbed' (mugged) in the street by 'admirers' (mental cases) demanding my 'autograph' (wallet/resignation).

To The Scribes,
     In response to the nerd who sent in the ridiculous idea that Keanu Reeves could play Trent Easton, what in God's name were you thinking?!
     I think that Gary Sinise could play a better Trent. He usually plays "Bad-Guy" roles in most of his movies anyway, but that's just my input.
     Also, is there going to be a sequel to Conker's BFD?
     Anyway, thanks to the people at Rare if you decide to post this. Catchas...

Jimmy Shaker! Lieutenant Dan! Good call.
     Sequel to BFD: you know what? I have this amazing dream of a civilisation far in the future, a shining civilisation of love and enlightenment where people will actually read the words that I'm saying and understand them rather than just pretending they didn't happen, sending in the exact same set of questions all over again then getting really worked up when I send them on their merry way to the Trash folder.

Dear Unchallenged Gods of Delay,

     Wow, I just have to say that your most recent delay on SFA is heart breaking, but then I saw the latest batch of screenshots. I have to give you guys a hand. It looks spectacular. Just so people know which one I'm talking about I sent an attachment. Talk about realistic. I think it was a daring move to switch Krystal's 2-piece with a plain thong. I'm glad you switched her to an orange color. Blue is way too weird, I mean come on, a BLUE anthropomorphic fox. Where are you guys from!?
     Anyway, I'll stop talking about fox-women. I'm sure you have had your fill of it by now. Uhhhhhhh, all right I have a question. Do you offer tours of your facilities, or is it easy enough to sneak in and look around? I only ask because I'm completely bored.
     To end this seemingly pointless letter I'll shall now ask you for a job. As you already saw I am sufficient in the paint program that comes standard on most computers. I took a computer class last year on Q-Basic, which I'm pretty sure is what is still being used. I got a C in that class which you said was standard in the last Scribes, but I think you were wrong when you said something about C++ which I never got in a class before. You should also know I'm well accustomed to D and F. Finally, although not videogame related, I like rainy days and long walks in the park. OK, I lied about the walking thing. In fact, I avoid it when possible. You have my e-mail, so get back to me. I'm sure I could be a valuable part of your organization. I shall now sign in an anagram so I can show my friends that I wrote this if it gets printed.
     Rany Rathmcyc

Yes, thanks... thanks for... er... er... where do I start?
     I suppose all I can do is latch desperately onto the only semi-serious question there: no, unfortunately we don't offer tours of Rare HQ, mainly because each development area is technically off-limits to employees on other teams, let alone gangs of rampaging wide-eyed youths sucked in from far and wide. Anyway, just imagine how long it'd take to familiarise our gangs of genetically-engineered death ducks with the scent of each and every visitor who came calling. And if we didn't take the time to do that, well... that's why you shouldn't try to sneak in.
     We look forward to receiving your application, but only if it's as good as that one we got last week with all the porn.

Dear keich-faced Rare Scribe answerer:

     I have a couple of questions about that Rusty Bucket Bay level in Banjo-Kazooie.
     1. First of all, if Grunty's ship is from Twittyshire (or whatever), England, and Banjo-Kazooie takes place in some sort of fantasy alternate universe, does this mean that Rare also has the interdimensional warp theory as Nintendo?
     2. Why is there a picture of the Twelve Tales version of Berry in the bedroom of the ship's crew?
     3. And speaking of the crew, what is wrong with them? Are they Scottish or something?
     --Dan "Frostbite" Scarpa

Twittyshire? The Rare veterans won't like that. See how the Banjo team leader bristles indignantly:
     "1. Shame on you. Everyone knows that Twycross is second only to London in cultural heritage, glitzy designer shops and pulsating night life. We even used to have a post office until a few years ago. But we've still got a pub, one that probably still sells pork scratchings and mild while you enjoy a quiet game of dommies or a bankruptcy-inducing punt on the fruity.
     "2. Because that's what she looked like at the time the game was developed. Just think yourself lucky it wasn't a 'glamour' shot of Mrs. Boggy or Captain Blubber going 'commando'...
     "3. Now you've done it. Prepare for the wrath of the Scottish Banjo programmers: 'Jings! Ya dunderheid! It's gunna be a wee Glasgae Kiss for tha' scunner, ye ken!' (Disclaimer - Not all Scottish people speak like this.)"

Dear Scribes,

     You can have your Clusters, Weetabix and (chh-spit!) Lucky Charms - as far as wheat-based commodities that you drench in milk every 9am are concerned, none has been proven to be more worthwhile (and damned elusive) than the legendary Chocolate Squares from quality cereal purveyors Mornflake. They're basically a small wheaty parcel crammed with hazelnut chocolate, and they're simply marvellous. I managed to find a shop recently that stocks them - I'm not saying where for fear of my supplies being crippled, but needless to say, the shelves are laid bare every Monday. Did I just say 'laid bare'? Sorry - that's probably going to get a lot of people very excited. The sort of people involved in the 'Krystal's jiggly bits' debate, no doubt. I write this as I watch the qualifiers for the Canadian Grand Prix - go Coulthard!
     Regards, from he who is, erm, me,
     Alun 'Felix' MacRae

9am? Most people have to leave for work/school/college long before then, you waster. I've never heard of these imaginatively-named Chocolate Squares of yours, but it's a sad fact that chocolate and cereal just don't mix. Why bother forcing yourself to eat a bowl of soggy, bitter lumps floating in brown milk when you could just have some proper cereal followed by a Chunky Kit Kat?
     I write this as England have just been knocked out of the World Cup, and if I wasn't surrounded by short-tempered English people, I'd be laughing my head off.

Dearest Rare:

     You spoons! E3 has come and left, and there was nary a speck of Rare to be seen! Sure, Star Fox Adventures had a showing, but that was it! This has sent me into a lachrymose state, frantically searching the internet in hopes of finding a new scrap of information. Alas, there was none to be found. This indolent attitude must be ceased! Have you something big and exciting hidden away, or was there really nothing more to show? Yes, I'd rather have a splendiferous game than a great game, but what's the hold up?
     - Ian Maloney

     P. S. RPA: Could this perhaps be the secret project we've been surmising?

We have our reasons. And in case you're having a pop at SFA's showing, here's the designer to reassure you:
     "We can only reply with our mantra that the game will be available when it's ready. As you said, you'd rather have a splendiferous game than a great game so it seems that we are in agreement."
     PS Yes, that could be it. But then again, it could also be an RTS game based on the 1994 Harvey Keitel comedy Monkey Trouble. 'Could' is such a great word.

Dear Scribes,

     In the last Scribes posting thing, there seemed to be a great deal of people making suggestions for the cast in the (supposedly) upcoming PD movie. So, in light of that, I came up with a few suggestions of my own.
     Joanna Dark: Jennifer Garner, Hilary Swank
     Jonathan: Michael Rapaport
     Mr. Blonde: Thomas Jane, Michael Vartan
     Cassandra DeVries: Morgan Fairchild, Jennifer Saunders
     Trent Easton: Matt Le Blanc (Call me crazy, but I think he could really fit into this role)
     President: Carl Lumbly, Morgan Freeman
     Daniel Carrington: Richard Karn, Earl Hindman (I doubt either would work, but...)
     CI Employees/dD Guards: Extras
     Elvis & the Maians/Skedar: CGI
     Feel free to criticize, but I think you'll find a few are actually on target (namely Joanna, Jonathan, and Cassandra).
     Oh, and while I'm writing here, I might as well ask: is there any info you can share about the sequel to PD? Thanks.

I think we'd better stop there before we name every single actor/actress (whether it be A-list, B-list or by-the-numbers American sci-fi series) in existence. Let's round things off by giving PD's designer his own say...
     "I think this is the best idea ever. Two actors playing one character! Morgan Fairchild AND Jennifer Saunders as Cassandra - imagine the ‘It’s a Knockout’ -style comedy costumes! (And try not to slash your wrists.) Looks like Matt Le Blanc and Michael Rapaport need some partners, unless they want to play the joker. The ‘CI Employees/dD Guards: Extras’ was a professional touch too. I suspect Gary Coleman needs the work too much to let Elvis slip into the hands of the CG animators, and apparently N-Sync are interested in ‘being Skedar’. Apart from that, it’s scarily close to being completely correct! Except for the actors.
     "Well, I’ve had my fun. Here’s my list what I made up just now for everyone to ridicule:
     "Joanna Dark: Kristin Kreuk
     "Jonathan: Heath Ledger
     "D(an) to the C-arrington: Rip Torn
     "Cassandra DeVries: Glenn Close
     "Trent 'not Reznor' Easton: Alec Baldwin
     "Il Presidente: Denzel Washington
     "Mr. Blonde: Peter Schmeichel
     "Elvis: Elijah Wood
     "Skedar: Atomic Kitten"
     Look at that - it actually ties in with some of the suggestions sent in over the past few months. Who'd have thought?

Dear quaint, fragrant, and possibly colonized person at Rare who "answers" people's questions in a column called "Scribes",
     Will Star Fox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet be much like the new GCN Zelda? If it is, I'll probably only get Zelda. Also, will SFA:DP be rated Teen? I'd like to see more blood in it, Peppy and Slippy swearing constantly (like that paintbrush and bucket in Conker), and bigger weapons and stuff. Also, I don't understand why in the world people are complaining (and praising) Krystal's attire. Foxes have fur, which function the same way our clothes do. Only crazy people would put an outfit on Fido.
     I'd REALLY like to see an online Perfect Dark, as Nintendo is currently lacking support from other gamers, similar to the 64 (although the N64 didn't have much support from gamers in general).
     Having troubles making up a decent Donkey Kong game? Three words: Mega Kong Sphere. Here's the plot: "The evil Wizpig has trapped the heroic Donkey Kong in a clear, plastic ball! Donkey Kong's only hope of survival is to clear each floor of this challenging Puzzle/Platformer game before the air in the sphere runs out, suffocating everyone's favorite primate! Each of these floors have their own set of clever challenges. Can you clear them all without falling off once? And once you're ready for a break from this crazy main game, you can sit back and relax with a fun game of Kong Golf, Kong Billiards or Kong Bowling." Is that innovative or what?
     To demonstrate to you what I think the next Killer Instinct should be like, I have created a little game in Flash called Stick Fighter. To see it, you can go to http://www.angelfire.com/mn3/fighter/. The reason he moves so fast is because I made it on a slow computer, so I had to speed it up to make it do what I wanted. That's that thing I hate about computers. Also, I am currently working on the sequel: Super Stick Fighter 2 Turbo.
     I believe that it is good that Rare is stepping outside of the "franchise barrier", and creating entirely new concepts, stories and characters (like Kameo) for their new games. I'll buy these games, as long as they're good. Rare is an excellent game company, and it is good that it is challenging itself by making new and innovative concepts.
     One last thing: is it impossible to destroy that "submarine fish" in DK64? I must have tried to beat it for like 50 times now, and I still haven't gotten the golden banana from it. It is the only one I still need.
     ARSE! Laugh out loud.
     - Alexander Farris

Drop the SFA subtitle, man. We did - ages ago. Here's some irresistible hard sell from the team leader: "No, Star Fox Adventures is not much like the new Zelda other than both are on the Nintendo GameCube, so make sure you purchase a copy as soon as it is released."
     To be fair, Krystal's more in need of an outfit than your average household pet because she's, well, humanoid. People who put clothes on their dogs really do need a slap.
     Stick Fighter is great, but he needs a spin kick. It's impossible to put together a satisfying combo without some kind of spin kick. Hope to see that in the sequel, perhaps with a bit of high-pitched Japanese swearing as well.
     And yes, the 'submarine fish' is impossible. We didn't have time to finish the game so we made it impossible, like Jet Set Willy.

Dear Scribes,

     According to some "sources", it has been "rumoured" that at E3, the "display boxes" said that StarFox Adventures can play up to "4 players" simultaneous. Unsurprising, since Banjo-Tooie has a bunch of mini-games, and the game has been delayed continuously, and it's Rare's first GC game, but an excellent addition none the less. Will you "confirm" these "rumours", or will you "keep your lips sealed", as "usual"? Also, how many memory card blocks will it take approximately? Don't tell me you want to keep THAT "Top-Secret".
     -- Greg Head
     P.S. What are the push-button codes for Perfect Dark?
     P.P.S Furnace Fun was THE BEST surprise mini-game ever in video-game history.
     P.P.P.S What happened to that musical riff that plays with the Rare Logo back in the Super Nintendo days?
     P.P.P.P.S Rare makes the best games. I give you my personal thumbs up.

Let's ask. "4 Players? Simultaneously? Display Boxes? Sources? As 'usual' we will 'keep our lips sealed'." See later for your answer on memory card shenanigans. Is Greg Head your real name or a fantastic nickname? I must know.

Dear Beuford F. Picklefeather (for I have declared that to be your name),

      It p*sses me off when you write responses to lists without reiterating the question in the response. I don't remember what comment 7 was by the time I get to answer 7. You really ought to line 'em up with each comment paired with its response. Try and get it right when you do mine.
     1) I was wondering. Don't you find it odd that Fox and Falco have worked with Peppy for so long and not eaten him? I mean, you'd think one of the two would have thought to themselves, "Hey a rabbit. I eat rabbits. MUNCH."
     2) I never bought CBFD. Should I?
     3) How come sometimes you guys are RARE, and other times you're RAREWARE, and even occasionally RARE LTD? Who are you hiding from?
     4) A.R.S.E. in Latin characters is actually Y.A.S.D. which stands for "Yet Another Starfox Delay".
     5) I've got a great Goldeneye scenario for you. In Stack, have one guy get into that room with the doors that go up and down below the sniping window. He gets a pistol. Then everyone else tries to storm the room, but they must be on their knees at all times. When they rush in they must scream "Mr. Sparkle!" It's fun I swear to God.
     6) Move to the US already. No wonder it takes you so long to make games when you hang out on an unsupervised island all day.
     I've had my fun. Now to go find other ways to waste my time.
     -Teh Hobo-

Are you Teh l33tlest Hobo? w00t!!1! Sorry, w00f!!1!
     1) Perhaps they give him a sharp nip every time he forgets what he was saying halfway through a sentence.
     2) Yes, that's right, ask us, we're entirely objective.
     3) The Consistency Police.
     4) It'll be all your fault if the game's delayed again. The emotional rollercoaster of a game's final development phase is stressful enough without you wading in here with your vicious jibes. How do you expect a programmer to code effectively through floods of heartbroken tears?
     5) I think you forget to mention the three bottles of gin required to make this 'fun'.
     6) Okay, we'll move to... Hawaii! Haha.
     7) For God's sake, how do you expect me to remember what question 7 was by the time I get to the answer, etc.

Dear Scribes,
     I'm playing Blast Corps at the moment... and I just observed something which I must congratulate you on.
     I love the way you modelled retrograde motion into the level select screen. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this. Tell me, did you use a realistic model, or did you go for epicycles?
     This is what comes of revising for a Physics GCSE, I suppose.
     Philip Eve

Scary letter! Scary letter! Forward immediately to Blast Corps programmer!
     "Eh? Unfortunately my GCSE Physics knowledge has long since been killed by beer.
     "Ummm, the planets all orbit according to figures I pulled from a Solar System Atlas that I found, although I'm fairly sure that they only follow circular paths. When a planet is selected, the camera is fixed to it as it continues to orbit, which is perhaps the source of the retrograde motion (not that I know what that means).
     "It's been six years since I did that level select screen - took me ages as I was even more of an amateur than I am today. Actually, it was the tracing of the paths between levels along the planet's surface which was really hard."


     I'm a long-time reader of Scribes; first time responder: In Starfox Adventures, will there be an option to hide Fox's status screens. This looks like a truly AMAZING game, but the presence of Fox's life bar and other things bring it down a notch and kind of remind you that you're playing a video game. RARE RULES!
     ~Steve, U.S.

Another scary letter. If you usually have the power to convince yourself 100% that the game you're playing is actually reality, you should be in the X-Men or something. Sorry, did I say "the X-Men"? I meant to say "an institution".
     Here's the SFA team's comment on your request: "We'll think about it... USA USA USA RULES! YEAH! WHOOOO!"

Dear Scribbles,

     The World of Nintendo appears to have entered a dark new era. The Gamecube has finally arrived in the UK, and what did the big N choose for their main launch title? A game in which Luigi searches desperately through an old mansion looking for booze. Alright, I know he was actually searching for 'boos', but might this not be a clever metaphor on the part of Miyamoto? Poor Luigi's been in the shadow of his brother for years; would it really surprise any of us to learn that this has driven him to drink? And after finding more boos than any man of his size could handle in one session, he comes to believe that a painting of Mario is the real thing. I don't think I'm stretching the point here. I don't think I need even to mention that he goes around talking to the mushrooms...
     Now we've come to expect certain things of Rare. When Nintendo does something, Rare does the same thing but better. Super Mario 64 was followed by Banjo-Kazooie, Mario Kart 64 was followed by Diddy Kong Racing. So what can we expect in response to Luigi's Mansion? A game in which Mumbo Jumbo wanders the streets of Twycross selling favours at the side of the road to support his drug habit? Perhaps using his magic to turn redhead birds into 'bares'? Don't you try telling me he's not on drugs, because I won't believe you. I say something should be done in aid of all supporting characters everywhere, they have given us so much and never receive any credit. If you ever wanted a game of your own, Mr Scribes, now would seem to be the time to ask. While we're on the subject, I'd be very keen to see a game starring those delightful Jinjos. At the very least Rare should sell Jinjo soft toys. Come on, it worked for Pikachu.

The Banjo team leader throws up his hands in surrender: "We must have a leak somewhere. How did you know that we were doing Dikmin? It was to be a surprise - a 'top quality' game that involved you playing a spaceman that was followed around by excited small creatures with massive c-" (Leave it. - Ed).
     "Jinjo's not for sale, as he's still modelling graphics for the Banjo team's next game."
      Oh, now that's just the kind of comment that gets the fan sites all worked up...

Dear Scribes,
      Something about Scribes causes me to return periodically. The thought typically occurs when I am extremely tired, and at no other time. Usually I resist the temptation to send something in, knowing that everything has been said that needs to be, and that I'd probably better not say anything unless I have something of significance to tell. But not this time. As evidenced by the email so far.
     I have come to the conclusion that you are a guy who can, at least occasionally, derive some mild enjoyment out of funny names. You mention some entertaining names in the credits to A.I. I add to this the fact that you poked a bit of fun at my name a while back (at least the implied conparison to Evel Knievel's name suggests you know the proper pronunciation). Anyway, I have taken it upon myself to notify you of the existence of a certain Mr. Hiscock, who is somehow involved in the production of the animated television show "King of the Hill." Either this is absolutely the truth, or I have had exactly the same hallucination on two occasions. If nothing else, you can at least remember this when you have to read through all these worthless emails. You can think, 'At least my last name isn't Hiscock.'
     Now come the advance apologies in the event of your knowing somebody with that most unfortunate last name, and also for any time of yours that I may have just wasted. Sleep well knowing that I probably won't make my presence known with another immense, meandering email again for a very long time. Thank you. Seriously.
     Note: Please forgive my failure to italicize the title of the film "A.I." I'm really in no shape to figure out how to do so, at least as long as I'm using this damned Outlook Express evil product of Microsoft devil worshippers thing.
     Steven S. Kanavel

That's pretty good. But not as good as Jonathan Wank (which in turn isn't as funny as Kenny Wank, which ultimately loses out to Jack Cock - must... close... IMDb window).
     Thank you for bringing this important matter to our attention. One thing: why do you feel the need to apologise in case I know somebody called Hiscock? It's not like I'd actually want to defend them.

Dear Scribes,
      After seeing some of IGN's video footage of Starfox Adventures during E3, I thought I'd say you're doing a spectacular job. But there's a couple of things I'd like to ask.
     1) Why is General Pepper's voice so darn different? He sounds more like the dog he is (I mean that in a non-explicit way) instead of the whiney old englishman from Starfox 64. I seriously doubt 8 years can have that much of an effect on someone's voice.
     2) Is there any chance you'll be making a game that stars Falco? You did say he went off in search of a solo career and I'd like to know what's going to happen when he finds that career.
     3) I know Fox is using that staff but what the heck happened to his Blaster? Is he using that in this game too?
     4) I've seen footage of that shopkeeper and I've noticed he mentions that you can buy food in his store. What's the food for? Is it for eating and recovering health or does it have another purpose?
     Well that's all the questions I can think of. Please print this letter. I'd like to have my questions answered for once.
     Your fan,

OoooOOO! *Lifts handbag*
     "1. Eight years is a long time for a dog, he's actually aged about 64 years!
     "2. Falco left for his solo career a few years back so he's probably already had it...
     "3. The Star Fox team have been pretty low on cash and Fox had to sell it for a hot dog.
     4. Ask yourself a simple question, why do you eat food? Yes, that's right, for eating and recovering health. Give yourself a gold star."

Dear Scribes,
     Hey, it's me again. I just thought of this idea right now, and was wondering what you would think of it:
     How about you guys make a desktop wallpaper with ALL of the Mr. Pants drawings that people have sent you! And before you say "that would look way too ugly for a desktop wallpaper because all of the people who have sent us pictures of Mr. Pants are slop artists", how about making it one of those pictures that make up a BIG picture of Mr. Pants! (You know... little, mini-sized pictures combined together to make up the big picture... like they did with the Titanic, Alfred E. Neuman, and other people... they do it in Walgreens commercials.) So I ask you... what do you think? You probably don't have enough pictures to do it or you erased them all anyway, but I just thought it would be a good idea. Chow! (Notice how I didn't write ciao!... that confuses me too much. There's no H!!!!! How do you say CHOW when there's no H?!?!?!!)
     The Rare Game Expert

What, you mean like this one? No, you're right, nowhere near enough pictures. Plus nowhere near enough motivation to do it even if there were thousands of pictures available, so don't take that as an invitation to bombard me with endless new Pants RPAs. Feel free to attempt it yourself, though (the wallpaper, I mean, not the bombardment).

Dear Livin' La Leigh-da Loca,

     1. Why weren't any GBA games shown at the E3? Oops, why am I asking? its ovbiousley becausue activeson baught rare!!!1 No, wait. That's not right. The real reason is NINEDONDO CANCLED ALL OF RARE GAEMES##!1! Okay, seriously, why weren't any GBA games there? MONKEY RACING!!11! Sorry, I don't know when to shut up.
     2. How many blocks will SFA take up on a memory card? I had better be able to get 10 save files from 3 blocks of data.
     3. In the upcoming Animal Crossing game from Nintendo, it will include some classic NES games on it. This got me thinking... Rare should include some of its NES games on SFA. But rather than doing the obvious thing and putting Battletoads and other favorites in, I think you should include some of Rare's much forgotten "gems", like Taboo. You could also throw in such great games as Beetlejuice, and Nightmare on Elm Street. Okay, to be fair I never played those last two, but I'm going to assume they're crap since it's scientific FACT that every single Movie-to-Game translation sucked arse-nuggets up until Goldeneye 007 came out. No offense to the people who worked on those games. Please don't have me killed.
     4. Speaking of Rare's NES games, I was wondering if you or any of your readers could help me identify some cartoon show I vaguely remember seeing when I was younger. Unlike the Captain N series that had some of the most memorable characters to ever grace the NES, somebody had the bright idea to include some of the most obscure and insane collection of videogame characters to ever be put together.
     Of what I can remember, it had some guy from Narc, Tyrone from Arch Rivals (wait, it gets worse), Qwirk (yes, Qwirk. In case you don't remember him, he was a tomato with a green mohawk that appeared in a puzzle game of the same name), and Bigfoot (the monster truck, not the Yeti. It was able to speak, and was the mode of transportation for the good guys)... (Rambles on about this 'show' for another two paragraphs - Ed)
     So, do you have any idea what this show was?
     5. In the last edition of Scribes, somebody asked about getting the Anticipation box art gang back together, but you said you didn't want a million idiotic emails from people claiming to be them. Well, the thought occured to me that you could locate these people by hiring a private investigator. Naturally, that costs money, which would be better spent on, well, anything. However, what I'm proposing is that you hold some kind of donation on this site, so some readers could chip in some money to pay for a private investigator, to make the dream of finding the elusive Yellow Shirt Guy an arse-tacular reality. What say you, Loveman?

1) iT 1s bcAuS# wE k1LLd al tEh g4me~B0y STafF!!#!1
     2) Let's find out, shall we? "SFA will take a tiny 3 blocks on a memory card and within this you can save 3 games, options and high scores. Is there anything else you would like? Are you that tight that you can only buy one memory card?"
     3) Scientific fact? Not true. The original RoboCop game was alright. Especially the way the baddies in the windows went "Ua!" when you shot them. Brilliant. Sorry, what was the question again?
     4) I'd be convinced that you were making this show up even if I was sitting here watching it as you spoke. Though in some perverse, tangential way, it sounds superb. Attempts by other readers to verify its existence will be... well, not welcomed, but tolerated. Maybe.
     5) I say any self-respecting private investigator would laugh you out of his office before you could finish talking.

Ask Mr. Seavor if he could possibly make Slippy sound MORE homosexual in SFA than he does in SSBM. Unless he meant to make him sound fruity, in which case he succeeded admirably. My God. If I hear "We've got you on ah monitahs!" again I'm going to set myself on fire.
Captain Sarcasm

We've got you on ah monitahs!

What if Tediz are actually Tribals in disguise?
Bread Eater

It'd make sense. They must have a lot of pent-up aggression.

I can't help noticing that 'Conkers Bad Fur Day' is an anagram of 'Barry funds da coke'. If this isn't a blatant hint of the intergalactic drug-smuggling storyline in Jet Force Gemini 2, I don't know what is.
The Ponderer

Nothing gets past you people, does it? Not even made-up stuff.

Will thay be conkre two !!!!
james ron

i dant no !!! y r u asken me !!!

RE: your response to Richard Long. Ah... gotta love those obscure Street Fighter references...
Chris Perry

Glad somebody noticed. I thought perhaps you were all foetuses in 1991.

I really think you should use the following logo that I have attached with this message. Look to the attention to details, and I even included Derek's logo eyes!

You genius! You've even kept the deviant 'E'.

I've noticed that among gamers, women are nearly a myth. Which is a good explanation for why gamers don't have girlfriends. (We should all give ourselves a pat on the back for not going the way of the lonely inmate.) Are there any women in development teams? If so, give me their phone numbers.

Yes, we do have female developers. No, they don't want to meet you.

Do you really think we believe that this "Leigh Loveday" character exists? We all know it's you, Tusk.

Tomas Woodbridge

Is it so obvious? *kicks your face off*

I am located in Iceland (the country) and fending off wolves as I write this. U must send in rescue helicopters as the buggers have nicked me Quavers which I was using for a scientific investigation 'Do Woodlice like Quavers?' U must send in more stock of Quavers as this is an investigation to which everybody needs to know the answer.

Stop wasting national resources - everyone knows they prefer Wotsits.

Since Conker was a drunk, I didn't expect him to climb trees. Keep cranking out the good games. And don't forget Conker!
Shatner Best

That's a very good point... I think.

Please tell your readers about our new product with the attached advert.
Head of BBI Research & Development Enigma

Very nice, but do bag ladies always wear leotards?


js phil

If only you'd said that five years ago, we'd have put it on the cover.