Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We might even respond after burning all our sheep.
Updated with shocking irregularity!Clanky Tin Breegull Action

'Beware the Ides of March'?
Personally I'm more inclined to
'Beware the Scribes of May'.

MAY 3, 2001

Dear Rare Ware,

     It has come to my attention that you developed and produced yet never released a Goldeneye 007 game for the Virtual Boy. I am aware that most companies keep things like that around for such occasions as if maybe the system is rereleased or other such needs. I am also aware that it was a driving game unlike the FPS that you made for the 64. I would like to find out if it is possible for me to acquire one of these games. I know you must get these questions all the time, however I feel that my request differs from all the others in that I don't want to get this game to sit it on a shelf or to sell like so many others would. I would like this for what it was originally intended for, to play and enjoy. I feel that since it was stamped with your company's name on it that it must be a great game. I have Goldeneye for 64 and Banjo-Kazooie and other Rare games and have become a great fan of Rare. Especially your depiction of Bond. I am willing to pay you for the game if it is accessible. I don't need anything fancy like the retail package as there probably wasn't one. But if you would be so kind as to grant me this one request I would be appreciative. From one game player to another I don't think that the hard work that went into this game should go to waste, it should be enjoyed by the masses.
     Adam Murray

Wow! A brand new rumour. I'm almost excited. Out of curiosity, where did you get this information? Sorry to disappoint you, but it's the first we've heard of it - the only 007 racing game that we know of is the recent PlayStation effort, and we've certainly never worked on one ourselves.
     As it happens we did have a Virtual Boy game in development at one stage, but I'm not going to tell you what it was - partly because I don't know if I'm allowed to, and partly because it will amuse me to keep you in suspense.

Dear Scribes,
     I've been a Rare fan since the NES days. I've loved (and still do) Battletoads, Snake Rattle 'N Roll, Wizards and Warriors, RC Pro-Am and obviously Cobra Triangle.
     The Super NES days have been great, too. The DKC series (especially #2) is probably my favorite ever (and DK's my favorite VG hero, too). Killer Instinct was cool too, although it hasn't aged as well has its brethren.
     The N64, however, is another story. I didn't like Goldeneye and hated Perfect Dark (framerates, framerates...). Donkey Kong 64 is my personal biggest disappointment ever (I'd say PS2, but I already knew it would suck). Jet Force Gemini was bad. Banjo-Kazooie was damn cool. Banjo-Tooie was average, as was Diddy Kong Racing. I'm eager to play Conker.
     But there were two outstanding N64 Rare games: Killer Instinct Gold and... the most difficult game ever, Blast Corps. I've heard the US version had harder times to beat (that's the only version I've played). Oh yes, I have played a great lot of Blast Corps... I've broken two controllers, but I can proudly say that I'm a YOU CAN STOP NOW. Pure gaming goodness. Pure talent required.
     You know, that's what made you guys great. Cobra Triangle, Battletoads, Blast Corps and the DKC series, to a lesser extent. Hard games. But great ones. Nowadays, you have collect-this, collect-that, run around in circles while fighting dumb, easy enemies. DK64 didn't feel like Donkey Kong. It was slow, awkward, easy... and not fun. The N64 games also suffer from horrible framerates and slowdown... unsweet.
     But, HERE COMES THE GAMECUBE!!!! With all that's been said about this console, my guess is that you'll be able to put out REAL Rare games. No slowdown, 60 frames per second games. Here's what I'd like to see:
     -Killer Instinct 3 (a pure 2D fighting game with great graphics... I want the Humiliation back... and I also want the [best computer-enhanced announcer ever] to say the combo names!) Well, good old KI, with combos galore. Bring on whichever characters you want, but absolutely keep Jago and Glacius. I'd like to say that KI's characters are the best in ANY video game... EVER.
     -Blast Corps 2: Same classic gameplay... multiplayer stuff, more levels, more of everything... it was all perfect... except the too-close, too-bad camera angles in some levels (Gibbon's Gate comes to mind). Oh, and MORE CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!! That's what made Blast Corps so full of replay value.
     -A Donkey Kong game worthy of that name (and if you DARE, make it 2D.)
     -Any other cool new (or old) franchise, but bring back the old Rare "Stamper" of approval (and fanfare music).
     Loved your old games... some of your newer ones... I can't wait to see what you'll have in store for the Gamecube... only one more request... (from what I've read, you've done it in Conker, but anyway)... I want real challenge and fun, whether the game's long or not. DESTROY the tedious collecting stuff of DK64 and other cheesy ways of making games longer than they really are.
     You have the potential. Prove it. Again. ;-)

Aren't you the bad guy in Along Came A Spider? Cheers for the feedback, though you must be aware that your vehement championing of KI Gold over the likes of GoldenEye and PD puts you in a substantial minority.
     Harder times in the US version of Blast Corps? Only if the PAL version kept the same times but ran a wee bit more slowly. On a related note, all the versions would have run more slowly (and jerkily) if the camera had been pulled out much further. See? The ongoing compromise of the aesthetic ideal with technological considerations, and stuff.
     And just for you, because of the nice things you said about KI's characters, here's a fantastic pic of your two favourites squaring off against each other... from a stupid angle. Enjoy.

Good day, non-pompous Brit-folk,
     I was milling about looking for interesting Conker stuff, as has been the case recently, what with Bad Fur Day having been released here in the United States, when I downloaded one of your songs from your BFD page. The MP3, entitled "Heist", doesn't play anywhere in the game, to my knowledge. I was wondering if there were any other songs/scenes/etc. removed from the final release of BFD, and whether they may show up in a future Conker title.
     Due to the length of BFD, which was somewhat on the short side, people have been demanding more of our hammered squirrel hero. Recent rumors of alternate endings or hidden areas have been shot down time and time again, and with what you were able to fit on a cartridge, I'd be surprised if there was any more to the game than what's already there.
     Speaking of secrets, various passwords have already been discovered, but one that has confused most people is the infamous "Debug" code, which, after inserting the code, requires lifting the cart out of the system until numbers appear, then re-inserting it. Just by the look of the code itself, it seems like a bug that wasn't squashed properly. Do you think you could shed some light on this and other password codes for the game?
     Well, That's it from me. Tally-ho, or however it is you say 'goodbye'. I'm American. Invade us.

The musician in question, with more patience than I could ever muster, explains:
     "You should play the multiplayer game entitled "Heist" (oddly enough) and you'll be able to hear it in all its glory."
     There's a thing. And as for your debug shenanigans, let's drag the designer in on it...
     "Debug as the name suggests is to do with debugging, i.e. removing any bugs. It gives information that helps programmers in locating bugs whenever the game locks up. As CBFD is a production version the only way to get debug to work is by forcing a lockup; I don't recommend doing this as it'll break your machine (actually, maybe I do recommend doing it, you idiot)."

Hello friend,
     I regret to inform you that Mr. Pants has been rejected from "amihotornot.com". An injustice of the highest order, I know. Perhaps it was the fact that he is eternally clad in underwear, maybe it's discrimination against the Brits, or maybe it's that he is a cartoon. My money is on his seductive pose, which has left many a comely lass breathless and asking "Can this be reality? Can there exist an untamed beauty so alluring as thou?"
     Apparently, there cannot. So, I hereby call for nothing less than a public protest (be it by email, letter, or a full military assault on elephant back) on amihotornot.com. Request, nay, DEMAND my friends, that Mr. Pants not be held back. With the message, clear and true, that We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender until Mr. Pants has been vindicated!
     Daniel Tuohy

Actually, er, that's probably not such a good idea. They might not see the funny side of a server-crashing revolution in support of a borderline offensive half-naked cartoon man. (Plus I was going to suggest that his bushy 'tache and overly casual posture make him look more like a porn star than a teenage love icon, but the prospect of any RPAs following on from that idea is too much to bear.)

Dear People at Rare (and I do not use the term "Dear" loosely),
     Something has been troubling me about DKR. What exactly is EPC? You are probably aware of the fact that when you put in the code "EPC" at the Magic Codes Screen, you enable a cheat entitled, "EPC LOCK-UP DISPLAY." This has been disturbing me every waking moment and many sleeping moments in my dreams. I CANNOT REST EASILY UNTIL I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!! Also, the code "DODGYROMMER" will show some weird letters and numbers on the Magic Codes screen, but you probably knew that too. Are there any other weirdo magic codes that they don't tell you when you beat the game?
     David V. Barrow The First (vidgame64)
PS: I asked Nintendo this question and all they gave me was a bunch of propaganda crap (no offense to Nintendo, I am a devoted Nintendo fan, have been for ten years now). Please don't just give me links to your site like they did.

Alright, we won't give you "propaganda crap". But we won't give you explicit details either. That... just... wouldn't be right.
     DKR's designer says: "The EPC and DODGYROMMER codes are debug codes that were used within our Testing departments. They obviously make no difference to the game but are there if we need to hunt down a specific problem (not that we ever need to once the game is complete!)."

Dear Scribes person that doesn't like me cuz they do not respond and I'm gonna cry, ::sniff sniff:: Hi...

     I have a question about Banjo-Tooie... Which has been bothering me for the LONGEST time and I'm about ready to rip my hair out and dance around like a bald monkey on Donkey Kong. Near the entrance to Grunty Industries in the Isle o' Hags when you climb up that pipe and you're standing outside of the entrance to Cauldron Keep and looking outward. I've noticed some train tracks up really really high leading to... some big dark place... is it possible to get up there? Does it lead anywhere? Aww dang the curiosity is really tearing at me... like a hungry... chomping... thing.
     Uh... could you please answer one of those questions? Even if you don't tell me how... tell me if there is a way to get up there and that it does lead somewhere... please????

"An easy one this (at last!). The track you see is simply the train track that runs from Terrydactyland to Grunty Industries. It was put in there for a bit of continuity to give the impression that all the areas of the island connect together. You can't get on them and they don't lead anywhere. Not even Gameshark cheats will crack that one."
     Well, there's your response - maybe now's a good time to cut down on the caffeine...

Dear Scribes,Vela (co-starring Mr. Pants)
     I've attached some fan-gift-art type thing. Hooray! Yeah. Anyway, I want to ask about Conker. How much did you guys change in the game from Twelve Tales? Because some parts in the game, expecially early on, a lot of the objectives and characters are typical Rareware "push this here, collect this there" gameplay. From old videos and screenshots I've seen, I've noticed that the barrel-riding carried over from Twelve Tales. But that's all I can tell. What other elements from Twelve Tales made it into Conker? Anyway, thanks a lot... from a big fan,
     Ian J.
     P.S. You are an arse if you can't find the hidden picture of Mr. Pants in my picture attachment.

Surprisingly little made the transition, as far as I can tell. Even the Conker model changed (not as drastically as Berri, obviously, but he still changed). Leaving plenty of points for comparison between the family-friendly Twelve Tales and the decidedly adult BFD wouldn't have been a great idea, so most of the old stuff was pulled. Nice pic, by the way.
     PS I found it, and I'm an arse, so bang goes that theory.

Dear Scribes, Hello!

     I'm an avid player of Perfect Dark, (which is the crowning achievement of Rareware) so I'm registered at a PD forum. There is talk going around about some hidden Rooftop level, and I really wanted to know about it. Some people are saying that it's just another name for Car Park. I can see how that could happen.
     "The name for this parking lot level is Rooftop."
     "What the heck are you smoking? Call it Car Park."
     Sorry, wanted to illustrate the point. Also, I've heard before that ALL the GE levels are in PD. (This was on the news page of a website, they said they got it from a valuable source too.) Is that really true? If so, I'd really like to be shooting off DY357s in the Bunker, or SuperDragons in the Stack.
     And another thing about multiplayer levels. I've heard tell that there are more levels than what we have when we access all of the hidden levels. In fact, it seems you guys made the press release and then retracted it. Uh oh, dialogue again!
     "Ken Lobb got drunk and told about the other levels!"
     "Retract the statement!"
     Okay, still more. There's something in the memory called a Maian Grenade. I'd just kinda like to know what that was. An N-Bomb? Plus, people were looking around conspiracy sites and found out that there are some alien races the government has covered up called "Nordics." I could have mispelled it. But if it's spelled backwards it kind of looks like Skedar, or sounds like it when you say it. Skedron. Huh.
     Scott Capps, the magnum master and white dinner jacket wearer of PD multi

Okay, here's a couple of responses for you, one from a programmer's point of view:
     "The Rooftop was NOT the Car Park. It was a level that was finished, but we decided not to leave it in the final version (for certain reasons). It was only in the BETA version of PD. So if you get a copy of the BETA version you can play it." (I hate you. - Ed)
     "All the GE levels are not in PD. However, all the GE levels are in GE. Not all of the PD levels are in GE either. The Maian Grenade could have been a temporary name for the N-Bombs?"
     All very nice and helpful. Now here's some designer input:
     "Stop the beta nonsense. If he found anything 'in memory' then he was poking around with a Gameshark and should have parts of his stupid anatomy sliced off and cauterized by burning copies of the Bible."

Dear Scribes,
     Ah, you see, there IS a Goldeneye Beta. Sort of.
     Here in Norway, we have this thing we make and eat sometimes that we call a "beta". Some of us do, anyway. It's quite tasty, and simple as well. Here's how you make it:
     - Produce two VERY thin and dry slices of bread from your Room Of Bread. Not any kind of bread, mind, but a "flatbread". It's a millimeter or so thin, very dry, and crackles easily.
     - Smear some butter on one side on each flatbread. The more, the better.
     - Find some fish. Again, not all fish will do, but if it's cold, salty and mashed into a pulp, it should be fine. It can also be warm and not mashed, but the salt has to be there. Remove any bones if you wish.
     - Place the fishmash on one of the flatbreads, and spread it out evenly.
     - Take the other flatbread in your hand, turn it upside down, and set it gently onto the fishy flatbread. Push in a light but firm manner until they stick together somewhat.
     Then you eat it. But that's not all, my friends. For added flair, and in order to make sense out of this mail, you can place a spoonful of honey on top of the whole shebang, thus making a golden eye! Voila! A golden eye on the beta! A GOLDENEYE BETA! Wheewoo.
     Now don't we have fantastic food-traditions over here (bleurgh)? Better than fish-and-chips, though... Ok, it's not even that.
     Oh, and Banjo-Tooie is fantastic. The whole ice-key/eggs-thing wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be, though, but that doesn't matter anyway when the whole thing is that good. You're guaranteed at least one (1) buyer for a third in the series, if that's an incentive good enough to keep you going at it.
     - Thomas Ertresvåg

I love the sound of the 'Room Of Bread'. Do you all have those, or is it some kind of luxury? Either way, it sounds like the Fighting Fantasy gamebook that was never made.
     You haven't half got a long-winded way of saying 'tuna sandwich', mind - and surely the best way to make it a proper GoldenEye beta would be to just stick the cartridge in with the fish, hopefully rendering it unplayable (even with a sodding GameShark) and preventing people from finding any more rubbish to ask stupid questions about.

Dear Editor,
     I wasn't sure who to write to, so this will have to do. If you are not the proper person, please either forward this or let me know who to write to. I just finished Conker's Bad Fur Day. I must say, I was extremely pleased and impressed with the entire game except for one thing. The ending. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it just gave no closure. The last boss made no sense with the rest of the game and the story completely lost it from there. Is there something else I need to do? And what's with the cheat section? Is there actually a purpose or is it just there to be funny? I'd appreciate a response if at all possible. Thank you and keep up the good work.
     Matt Gordon

Ah, the ending. Definitely one of those love/hate things, judging by the feedback I've been getting. Let's see what the designer himself has to say about it...
     "The ending was intended to make you sit up and go 'Hang on a second... is that it? What about Berri?' Conker's tried to be different on many levels, and the ending was no exception. I'm a melancholy person by nature anyway, so it appealed to my sensibilities. I liked the ending, so that's all that matters really. 'Closure?' From an American that sounds sooooo clichéd, already."

Dear Scribes,
     I just thought that you might be interested to know (or not) what I thought of some of Perfect Dark's multiplayer levels. Yes I know it's been out for ages, but Goldeneye has been anaylsed to death, so er, here goes:
     Sewers: Generally a pretty cool level, and I particularly liked the two fake ammo boxes hidden under the grating in the room with one of the lifts in.
     Grid: Definitely one of my fave levels, due in part to the fact that the graphics seem to be much better than the other levels, esp with everything being really light rather than dark. Obviously I also like the layout, which is just right, even if Grid is one of the smallest levels.
     Ravine: At first I didn't like this level much, I thought it was just dull and monotonous. But the more I played it the more I began to appreciate it. Clearly a great level for sniper rifles. Here's a tip: If you grab some weapons and then go to the platform at the top of the lift, then this a great vantage point. Not only are there only two (easily defendable) entry points, but you also have a great view of the landscape, which is good for rocket/grenade launchers and sniper rifles.
     Ruins: Quite possibly the worst level in the game. In any game for that matter. Dull, uninspiring layout, with... well, nothing of much interest.
     G5 Building: In my humble opinion, probably the most underated level of the game. My friends have criticised it for being small and for the walls all looking the same, but I really like the two-block/giant drop design. One of my favourite things to do is drop from ledge to ledge to evade opponents with better guns and/or more energy.
     Well, there you have it. That's just what I think about some of the levels from PD. I personally prefer Goldeneye's multiplayer mode for various reasons (which I can't be bothered to list here), but I still think that PD's levels have some interesting features. What do others think?
     Bye for now,

Go on then. I know this is more Forum material, but if we actually get some interesting letters on the subject they might serve to break up the monotony of Mr. Pants RPAs and demands for KI3/JFG2/BC2/Banjo-Threeie. It wouldn't be Scribes without them, of course, but now and again it's nice to have something a bit different. Like laying off the Beef Hula Hoops to have a packet of the Ready Salted ones every so often. Or something.

Dear Scribes,
     I've noticed a small area behind master Jiggywiggy in Banjo-Tooie. There are 3 signposts there, one of them says (and I quote) "An egg container followed by Jingaling?" What in the name of all that is good and holy is that? I've been thinking so much about it my nightmares are riddled with images of some kind of egg! And another thing, where do Tiptup and Blubber go after you help them? One last thing, Why do I have some doubloons left over after I've completed Jolly Roger's Lagoon?

A common question, that one about the signpost, and one that should really have been sent to Uncle Tusk. But I'll let it slip just this once in anticipation of a full and frank response from the Tooie team. Blimey - here it is.
     "An egg container in the natural world is commonly known as a NEST. Jingaling is a KING. Put them together and what have you got? KINGNEST! Oh, er... no it isn't - it's NESTKING! This is one one of the cheats that can be typed into the Code Room wall in Mayahem Temple. We thought it was a clever way of burying a cheat in the game. Obviously we may have made it a little too difficult...
     "Tiptup takes Tiptup Jnr. into the sea for swimming lessons and then later tells him how his dad manages to keep appearing in games he's got nothing to do with. Blubber (as he stated during the game) is off to Jolly's for the quiz night, the winnings of which he used to pay for his flying saucer you see at the end.
     "You have some Doubloons left because we thought that having to collect all of them to achieve the objectives was a bit mean at that stage in the game. Hence a bit of leeway."

Dear People over at Rare,

     A quick answer to a question of mine... In Super Mario RPG (I know this wasn't made by you but...) as you progress through the game, you come upon a monster with the name, CHAINED KONG!!! YES!! And he looks exactly like Donkey Kong! Did you give them permission to do this? If you didn't, then what are you gonna do? Sue?? This question is killing me!!!
     A Concerned Kid

Well, let's see. Donkey Kong is a Nintendo-owned character, Super Mario RPG was released on a Nintendo system, and the name 'Donkey Kong' isn't actually used anyway. What shall we do about it? Erm... probably very little, I'd say.

Dear Scribes,
     Tell us the secret Perfect Dark button codes! We know they are there. All game developers use button shortcuts during playtesting. You are lying just like you lied about the GoldenEye codes for so long. We buy your games! We pay your salaries! We are your customers and we demand to know! Stop decieving us! Tell us the truth! Tell us the codes!
     Al Bester

With a groan of despair to rival my own, the lead programmer says:
     "Just tell them NO THERE ARE NOT ANY BUTTON CODES!!! There's even a chance they might believe you."
     Sadly, I don't think there is: logic, reason and basic trust are clearly beyond these people.
     Look. We've told you that there are no push-button codes in PD. If there were, and we wanted to keep them quiet, we wouldn't address the issue at all. We wouldn't lie about it to your faces. Despite what you seem to think, we didn't do that with GoldenEye (the GE push-button codes were only ever intended for Testing purposes and were hacked, not officially released, at a later stage), and we've no intention of doing it now. Hey, thanks for your support!!!

Oy, arse muttering, bam like, shouty people at Scribes,

     I played Jetpac on Donkey Kong 64 expecting it to be crap just like the original Donkey Kong, sorry but everyone's entitled to their opinion and I didn't find slowly crawling to top of a blocky screen appealing and yes I know in 1981 graphic technology wasn't as advanced... actually why the hell am I apologizing you had nothing to do with the game!
     Anyway, new paragraph, I really enjoyed playing Jetpac, in fact it was, and still is the most addictive non-PC or N64 game I've ever played. I know the game was created by Ultimate who are now defunct so I was wondering if any ex-Ultimate staff work with you and could think about creating a Gamecube version keeping the same gameplay elements and making a fast-paced, action packed shoot-'em-up but with much more in-depth gameplay as a whole with strategy playing a much bigger part.
     Like for some missions you would be instructed to kill all the evil aliens, protect all the weak and Elvis like (the Maian not the singer) ones, retrieve an alien weapon and collect a certain amount of money which you use to buy a ship and get your ass, sorry arse off the level!
     Sounds good doesn't it? Or not maybe. The game would have a third-person viewpoint for true JFG-style carnage and tons of armageddonistic weapons for budding psychotic and violent megalomaniacs out there. So please, please could you tell me if Jetpac 128 or whatever it'd be called could be a possibility?
     Stuart Gillies, Glasgow
     PS. Who created Mr Pants? I can't find the relevant info on your website.

No current plans that I know of, but the likelihood of resurrecting past series does seem to have taken a leap up with the advent of the good old GBA. So keep your eyes peeled.
     Little-known fact: JFG did actually go through an early design phase of being either a new addition to the Jetman series or a sequel to Alien 8. Note that I campaigned fiercely for the respective causes of Alien 8 Squared and Stellar Jetman. Well, maybe not that fiercely, but I definitely muttered something about them being good names once or twice.
     As for ex-Ultimate staff, well, seeing as Ultimate was basically just the Stampers and they still own the company, I suppose you could say they're still around...
     PS Um, no idea.

Dear deviant Scribes guy who inadvertantly leaks important game information to the masses,

     And all the while you thought you were soooo clever hop, skipping and jumping over those pressing questions with your curly answers. We all know what they mean. We've cracked your code, boy. And here's confirmation. Despite your valiant efforts at supressing the legend of the pending Mr Pants game, your enitre scheme has been unravelled. For behold, what did I chance upon in the pages of the underground Australian edition of Japanese gamer magazine "Super-Duper Double-Happiness Nintendo Gorilla Donkey Weekly"? That's right. A leaked promotional pic for your GameCube launch title, "Perfect Pants", which you will find attached. You sly dogs. No wonder Joanna, as you stated in Feb 12 Scribes, may not have anything to do with the Perfect Dark sequel. She can't possibly compete with the overwhelming sexiness and machismo that exudes from everyone's favourite scantily clad gentleman. So come clean already. There's no where left to hide the fat pimply arse that is the deciet we have had to endure.
     Knowingly yours,

A quick note from Perfect Dark's designer before this goes any further, not that it could really go much further than a number of high-profile news stories on major videogame sites:
     "For the record I'd like to say that I was joking about Joanna's presence/absence in any sequel to PD. Specifically, the joke was that either possibility could be entertained as reality, since the sequel, should it be in production or not, is incomplete or non-existent, so therefore the 50:50 chance of Joanna's appearance was as likely as the life/death status of Mr. Schrodinger's famous pussy."
     Actually we should probably end there, as I don't want to spend any longer than necessary looking at that 'Mexican bandido'-style representation of Mr. Pants in his free-floating underwear.

Dear Scribes,
     Ken Griffey Winning Run remember that game for SNES. For the love of GOD please make another one. Gameboy Advance and Gamecube is coming out soon this game would be awesome on both those systems. I don't think you understand the cult following that this baseball game has. It is the most enjoyable baseball game ever nothing even comes close. PLEASE PLEASE make another one for the upcoming Nintendo systems.
     Junior S. Birthfield

Congratulations on your brilliant name. There's very little chance of us working on another Ken Griffey game for any platform, and I've got nothing interesting or relevant to say beyond that - frankly you made it in on the strength of your name alone.

Dear Scribes,

     Lacking my amazing wit to come up with my usual crop of persistently irritating questions, this edition of Scribes will feature me being slightly less annoying in my smaller barrage of answerless questions.
     1. If the odd "babble-speak" in Banjo-Tooie is an actual language, how come it has a certain number of sounds, which would be extremely limited in expressing oneself? And now, to present you with SEVERAL of my theories, so you have to agree with one of them, instead of cowardly agreeing to it. Are they speaking telepathically, are they using a complicated series of motions at the same time, or are they farting at the same time to add more letters?
     2. I'm very impressed with that last question. I made it up on the spot. Another question that you might actually know is: How do crabs breathe? And relevancy be damned.
     3. Why didn't the ESRB get on your case about Arse being spelled backwards? If they find out, you could be seriously busted.
     4. I think you ought to have a Monty Python game. And that's it.
     I'm finished now. But, rest assured, Scribes person... Flick Montana (AKA The Three-Headed Monkey) shall return. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
     From your old College Buddy,
     Flick "Threepwood" Montana

1. Easily dealt with - I'll fob it off on the musician. "Actually it's a language that Dr. Dolittle taught me when I was on safari in deepest Atherstone. Each syllable relates to an event, or 'happening' as the locals say. Although the creatures in the game all sound like they are speaking using different noises, they actually aren't. You just need a trained ear to be able to pick up the constant thread running through it. I think the best way to achieve this state of consciousness is to record the speak and play it to yourself overnight whilst you sleep. This way it gets into your brain through your Alpha waves."
     2. They use those little pipes sticking up through the surface, like ninjas.
     3. I really don't think they'd care. And anyway, I don't know what you're talking about, etc.
     4. Yeah, and a Benny Hill game, a foot-and-mouth game, and a game about scones.

Hello Rare employees,

     This is the President of Nintendo. I have forgotten all of the details about the upcoming Perfect Dark sequel on Gamecube. Yes, it seems I lost the information that you have shared with us so far. So would you kindly tell me again, plus some screenshots would be really, really, really, eh... good. Um, I have to go now (official business, you know) so I will thank you in advance. Oh yes, all of our phones, faxes, email, et cetera are currently down due to an act of God (one which I can't describe in polite company) so if you would be so good as to post them in your next Scribes update, we won't have to close down your offices.
     Thanks again,
     Mr. Nintendo President

Yes sir! Right away sir! Here's the first screenshot of Perfect Darts, hot off the presses. Pick your player from a wide range of bored, overweight guards, down a few pints, send a subordinate to unearth your manky old dartboard from a storage cupboard and away you go.

Dear Mr. Scribes,
     Canary Mary in Cloud Cuckooland is 99.9% impossible for a human to beat. Even my rapid-fire controller couldn't win the first race on that infernal wind-up mouse. Then I thought of a solution.
     I opened up a Performance(TM) SuperPad64(TM) that had a malfunctioning joystick. And I got out my RadioShack(TM) 200-in-1 electronics kit and set up an example project which flashes a LED with a rate that's controlled with a variable resistor, and replaced the LED with wires that led to the A-button contacts. Thereby creating a high-speed variable rate of "A" tapping. This setup worked just fine to beat the dumb bird the first time.
Canary Mary Destroyer - a worthwhile use of anyone's time     On the second race, I just tried full speed on the variable resistor (yellow knob) again and quickly learned that she cheats somehow whenever I get ahead of her. (Perhaps that Cheato page she owns has a "SUPERCANARYMARY" code written on it...) On most of the subsequent attempts I made, I kept an eye on the speed and slowed down whenever I got ahead of her. But alas, I could not accelerate enough at the end without making her engage her turboboost. I finally beat her by replacing the 10uF capacitor with a .3uF capacitor, (which, as we all know, would vastly increase the minimum and maximum rate-of-tapping), and by not even bothering to try and stay behind her. Did I ever go fast with that .3uF! I think that there were 29.647 A-button taps per second! (But that's just a rough estimate.) There's hardly any way to describe the sheer velocity as I zoomed past those large-scale food items in the sky.
     I call this machine "The CMD Device" (Canary Mary Destroyer). I have also included some of the most rubbish-ish rubbish picture attachments ever seen.
     Perhaps I should make a joystick-rotator for Mario Party sometime...
     P.S. I'm sorry that I spelled 10uF wrong, but I can't enter Greek letters on my computer.
     P.S.#2 This is not some sort of prank/hoax email. This device truly did beat Canary Mary.

Those attachments are pretty damn rubbish, I'll give you that. Rubbish in both quality and subject matter. Good work.
     A word from one of the programmers: "Come on, it is the last level, it's *supposed* to be difficult! But I must confess that I'm impressed at this guy's technical ingenuity (and the lengths he's prepared to go to in order to finish our game)."
     Beyond that, I don't really know what to say, other than "it might have been easier to just do it like we said and zip past her on the final stretch". Still, if it keeps you off the streets...

Dear Scribbles,

     What has happened to this once grand letters page? Every other letter is dealing with Mr. Pants or one of the many characters that seem to have spawned from his loins. Here's a little secret to everyone out there on a Mr. Pants acid trip: IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE! Mr. Pants has been stripped of all humor, and it's thanks to the ridiculous overexposure by clods who make poor renditions of game boxes featuring the Mr. Pants family, and the such. No more Mr. Pants is good Mr. Pants, and I seriously hope I never have to see another letter about him again.
     Of course, this letter is about nothing else but Mr. Pants, so... technically I'm just adding to the problem. Oh God! (Explodes into a violent mess of entrails)

Yeah, and I bet you're expecting me to segue straight into another letter about Mr. Pants for comic effect. Well, I can be unpredictable too, you know. I'll shove in a letter about Sean Williamson first to throw you off-balance...

Dear Scribes,
     "Sean Williamson"... We know you have him! If he sent in E-Mail to Scribes ever (which, obviously, he did), you should know what his E-Mail address was. But I guess that it would be illegal to reveal it to the public now, huh? You should contact him (assuming that you for some reason remember his E-Mail address, and if he hasn't changed it) begging him to return to Scribes at least one last time. Promise him the beta version of GoldenEye 007 and tell him that it will help him earn the Invisibility cheat. He must return!

I don't think a cold fish sandwich would get him to come back. And there's no way I've still got his email address as it's been over two years since he first (and last) wrote - about halfway down Uncle Tusk's March 4, 1999 column, if you're really interested.

Er... hi.
     I noticed a pattern. All the Scribes 'fads' have a 'Mr' in front of them. Mr Pants, Mr Trout... but not 'arse'. But not any more! I designed... Mr. Arse!
     Well, while you look at that I have some questions...
     1/ Do you plan on making any future Banjo games?
     2/ How do Rare in general feel about their performance on the N64?
     3/ Don't you think the Mr Pants thing has gone too far?
     4/ If Mr Pants was going to be in a Super Smash Brothers 2 game, what moves would you give him?
     5/ What are the odds of a GameCube Donkey Kong game?
     6/ Do any Rare staffers still play old Rare games?
     7/ If you could make a GameCube version of any game from the Spectrum, what would it be?
     ...That's it, I guess. Enjoy Mr Arse if you will, but if it gets out of hand I'll have him killed..
     Paul Matijevic

I'm pretty sure Mr. Arse has been done before. But the K. Rool-style mismatched boggly eyes are a nice touch.
     1) Maybe. Yeah, like I'd give you a straight answer...
     2) We've done alright. Haven't we? We certainly haven't released anything that we thought was crap.
     3) It's out of my hands - but as long as old Scribes faithfuls like SirSlush are still enjoying it, there's plenty of life left in the franchise.
     4) The Clipboard Smash, and the Sudden Pants Drop (hits like a baseball bat, for obvious reasons).
     5) Chunky. Please note: this is a mere play on words and not sufficient base material for a fully-fledged IGN speculative editorial.
     6) Yes - we're all addicted to Taboo and Sesame Street 123.
     7) One of ours? Atic Atac. Any one at all? Probably Chaos. Or Rex. Or The Sentinel. Or Starquake. Oh, you've got me bloody started now...

Dude! It's a llama!
     No dude, it's a Leigh Loveman!
     Okay, I just had to do that. Here are some questions for you:
     1. How did you guys get the first DKC game back for GBC use? Was it saved on a computer and you just pulled it out or what?
     2. Did you have to redo all of the graphics for DKC GBC? If yes, how long did that take?
     3. How's my typing? I'm using one of those "alphabetical" keyboards, and I'm used to the "QWERT" kind.
     4. Conker's Bad Fur Day is undoubtedly one of the best games I've played, if not the best. But it really sickens me to know that the team that made it are probably walking around the Rare HQ thinking they're hot sh*t and swearing and yelling and cussing because they made a good, controversial game. If they are, smack them with a wet noodle (or fish, whatever works better) for me.
     Thanks and I hope you post my letter because it took me 20 minutes just to type it.
     The Rare Game Expert
     P.S. Why am I still typing? It's taking me longer.

Time for one last edition of... Pass The Buck! Here's the team:
     "1. We were lucky enough to be able to rummage through a big box of floppy disks for almost all of the DKC series. Hooray!
     "2. Since the Gameboy Color isn't quite as graphically capable as the SNES, and the screen dimensions are different, we had to redo and re-convert all of the graphics from the original graphics. We also had to write a completely new game engine and re-do all the sounds. All of this took absolutely ages, so no quick cash-in there."
     3. Well, it's legible, which automatically puts you in the top tier of contributors.
     4. Everyone here swears and yells and 'cusses' all the time, so we probably wouldn't have noticed.
     PS Back to the team: "Get a normal QWERTY keyboard and free yourself from the shackles of individuality, fool."

Dear Scribes,
     Oh, god, what have I done... that's the trouble with making games, you can't help but fall into the trap of wanting to improve yourself... I never thought it would come to this, though. I mean, the ideas just kept coming... on the bog, in the middle of the night, during those Claims Direct adverts with the crap acting, EVERYWHERE...

Mr. Pants 2001...

     I'm sorry, I'm really, really, Perfecthead-has-just-been-removed sorry...
     Deepest sympathies,
     Chris Allcock

Bow your head, Slush! "No more Mr. Pants is good Mr. Pants", indeed. I hope you're ashamed.
     I can't think of a better way to round things off, so that's exactly what I'll do right here. I'm still a bit of a Pants 2001 novice at the moment so I'll keep my own comments to myself, but general Pants 2001 feedback will follow with all the usual toss in the next foot-tapping, arse-cracking edition of Scribes (release date strategically withheld).

I loved (actually better make that liked) Jolly Roger and I think that he should get his own Game Cube game. You could call it: "Jolly's Needle Work" or "Jolly and the Killer Cucumber".
Tom "the Demon" Butcher

Yes. So how many of your friends actually call you "The Demon"?

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen Breegull?
Mr David Robertson

Depends what you hit it with, I suppose.

Arse is joyful as flowers on the rear view mirror of a minivan on a warm summer day.
Aric Kleppin

...when you're waving your arse out of the window.

I think you should have someone like Pixar do a fully-computer animated Banjo-Kazooie movie! It would be titled-Banjo-Kazooie-The Movie. Oh c'mon, it would be great! I'd see it!
The Rare Game Expert

How long did it take you to come up with that title?

I have heard that the biggest problem on Perfect Darrk is that nintendo's capality won't drive it.Please let me know that it's not true
Merja Heinonen

I can't do that. Because I don't know what you're talking about.

if u got any nude pics of britney spears send them to redflame98765432@aol.com

Sorry, did you want me to show this to our thousands of readers?

I think it would be funny to hear Jo say some one liners like Duke does, or even some smart ass remarks like Jim Bond uses. It would be cool to just push a button and hear Jo calmly say "Blow it out your ass", or something like that.
Scot Homlitas

Yes. (Very long silence.)

How can they stop making Mortal Kombat movies after the second one, but then make three Pokemon movies in a row? It hardly seems fair.
Boo the Mighty

Any series would have floundered after a second film like that...

Did you know there was an Egyptian ruler named Arses? I'm sorry that you have to read all these stupid letters, but when I came across this information I knew that I must do my part as good human and send it to Scribes. Can you blame me?
Bill Bowen

Blame you? Jim, I praise you for your services to mankind.

Jesus Christ man! What the hell do you think you're doing putting Snippets on the same page as Scribes!? I almost read some of those Godforsaken things...

Just keeping you on your toes. Look, they're quarantined again now.

If you won't give us a picture, give us some links from your bookmark list!! The public insists (us with too much time on our hands, anyway).
Simon Winters

Right, you asked for it: quality music links here, here and here.

I love that little "tiny_space.gif" picture you use to do the indenting! Did you make that yourself or was that made by the graphic department? Is it okay if I use that on websites or something? Cause that is wicked cool!
- Dolphins can SUck it.

Wicked cool, that's right - tiny_space.gif is down with the homeys.

Dear Scribes, I love you, would you please come to dinner?
Baby Ella

You really want Williamson, Tripedox and Pants in the same room?

your rubbish i wish it was more interesting

Yeah, me too.

Who recorded the excellent little 'ooh!'s when you bash one of the guys in the Stetson hats in Glitter Gulch Mine?

Musician says: "It's me as usual, as nobody else could be arsed."

Please name a game "After Dark" because that's the name of a drag-show here in Sweden, hehe... arse.
Marc Spectra (a.k.a Mr Socks)

You crazy Scandinavians! You're all saunas, porn and furniture.

Why does Mister Pants have red pants/underwear, why not blue, or yellow, do you editors have some affection for red? I mean, what is the point of having the pants/underwear in the first place? You might as well put him into a bikini.

That looks painful. And his red pants have sentimental value...

After you shoot all the wine bottles in Carrington Villa does Carrington say "Have some cheese Joanna." or "Act your age Joanna."
Kelson =)

It's impossible to call.