Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We may even respond as part of our community service.
Updated at meaningless intervals!If in doubt - spiky gorilla.

Confused over the unseasonal
sunshine? Well, here's Scribes -
your own personal raincloud.

MAY 3, 2002

Dear Scribes at Rareware,

     You said that you wanted us to send in some ideas for actors to play characters in a Perfect Dark movie. Here's some ideas.
     Joanna Dark = Natalie Portman or Denise Richards
     Daniel Carrington = Sean Connery or Ian McKellen
     Jonathan = Russell Crowe or Heath Ledger or Hugh Grant (I think Heath Ledger would be good)
     Trent Easton = Keanu Reeves
     Cassandra De Vries = Jennifer Jason Leigh
     Mr Blonde = I think Christopher Lambert would be great (but I'm not sure if he's tall enough).
     I hope you post this. Thank you and may your Scribey Ways live forever and become a custom in your religion. That sounds gay but anyway, Seeya!

I didn't say I wanted you to send them in, exactly, I just said I was resigned to it. Denise Richards as Joanna Dark would be an abomination, and your Keanu suggestion walks a very fine line between comedy and tragedy. Still, not a bad call on Heath Ledger and Jennifer Jason Leigh (even if she was cack in Existenz).

Dear Scribes,

     I've heard many rumours about Perfect Dark Zero, but Nintendo dismissed it as just that, a rumour. So, I'd like for you to clear something up for me, is Perfect Dark Zero actually in production? Is it being planned at all?
     That's the first part of my question, but the second part is this: If you aren't planning a sequel to Perfect Dark, what possible reason could you have for not having a sequel to the best shooter ever made? I would think that a sequel to Perfect Dark would be one of your first ideas for GameCube, considering its greatness on the N64!
     I E-mailed Nintendo Power with these very concerns, but they were not much help. I hope to receive an honest, and encouraging response to all my questions.
     Oh yeah, and I'd really enjoy for this letter to be printed, because I'm from Canada, and everybody loves Canada... eh?
     TJ Rector

What a fantastic name - it's like the religious version of TJ Hooker. No, hang on, for that to work William Shatner would have had to play a prostitute in the original.
     We're still not coming out and announcing anything about a sequel to PD, and we won't until we've actually got something worthwhile to show. So nothing's going to get cleared up here today, I'm afraid. Like you expected anything else. Move along.

Heya crazy Scribes' guy,

     I just picked up several N64 games, seeing as they are now dirt-cheap. One of these was Jet Fork Gemini, which I am finding to be quite enjoyable. Whilst playing through Ichor Base in puffs of launcher smoke pierced by sniper bolts, I came to the conclusion that being able to play as a Tribal would be quite fun, especially if it were the baby Tribal. Also questions:
     1) Why do the homing missiles go off all weird if you didn't get a target lock when you fired them? Why not just a straight line?
     2) If Vela has giant shoes, how can she jump so high? Is it because of her miniskirt?
     3) Any new plans for this franchise?

     P.S. What in hell is this whole push-button PD codes thing? I don't get it.

Wow! Chevy Chase!
     1) They're trying to be nice and homing in on what they think you're trying to hit. Is that good enough? No, I don't suppose it is. Let me badger the game's designer for answers, then: "I don't know and I can't be bothered to make anything up."
     2) "No, it's because she has blue hair."
"No, because people have only started 'picking it up' now that it's 'dirt cheap'..."
     PS Ignorance is bliss. Trust me.

Dear Master of the Frameset,

     To begin with, a RPA. Kurt, a fellow Scribee, inquired recently about the release of a game he made up, the completely out-of-the-blue cel-shaded Perfect Dark. Well, I have realized what was Kurt’s design, naming it ImPerfect Dark, in honor of the cel-shaded technology. Now everyone will understand why I laughed so hard at that letter.
     With the news that Squaresoft will be making games for Nintendo again (yay!), I began to see conflicting information on the exact potential of linking the Gamecube and Gameboy Advance, because there was news that Square plans to utilize it. First, I heard that the Gameboy Advance could not be used as a controller for the Gamecube. Then I heard about a Kirby game in the works where Kirby rounds into the Gameboy Advance and control moves to the GBA. Are these indeed two different things, or is one source mistaken? What exactly, as I suspect you would know, can the Gameboy Advance do with the Gamecube? Furthermore, a question that is closer to home, are any of your games in production or in development considering use of this feature?

I sent this one down to the Diddy Kong Pilot team to answer, on the basis that the whole tilting thing constitutes some kind of tenuous 'GBA as controller' connection. Here's what one of their hotshot programmers had to say, snapping his braces extravagantly:
     "Similar to the one-cartridge multiplayer, the GameCube can download a game over the link cable. And the Game Boy Advance can send data back to the GameCube to act as a controller. But you cannot use the GBA as a controller for a GC game that isn't prepared for that - the GC has to send some control software to the GBA first. Kirby requires a special cartridge that contains the tilt hardware."
     Nice RPA, though if you read the next letter you'll realise that you've failed to represent one vital aspect of (imaginary) gameplay.

Dear Scribes,

     First of all is it true that in Perfect Dark Zero limbs can come off???? Also If thats true can you make another Perfect Dark like that with limbs comin off? If yes can u also make new lvls and weps??? Id, and the rare fans, would love this game. My friends were talkin about so this where i got the idea. Thanx.
     Brian Schnieder( i gots a girl friend!! he he)

Peer? Is that you?
     Yes, apparently Perfect Dark Zero will be third-person, cel-shaded and festooned with flying limbs. Now, answer me this: would it have taken so much extra effort to put the 'e's in 'levels'?

Dear golden-feather wielding well of gaming knowledge,

     Just thought I'd drill your team of coding gorillas on the progress of Star Fox Adventures, and congratulate them on how delightful it all looks. I bet someone feels very chuffed with themselves. Anyway, to the nonsense in question:
     1) Tell the bigwigs overlooking Star Fox Adventures development that they need to watch what they're doing with that Prince Tricky character. From the small amount of media which has filtered through to the gibbering public such as myself, I'm concluding that said dino is sort of a mix of Jar Jar Binks and Gex, garnished with high-pitched voice acting to complete the package. Please tell me I'm wrong. We already have Slippy to hurl our frothing hatred at, remember? Don't be afraid to put the game back a month or two so Tricky can have a personality makeover, to the relief of gamers everywhere.
     2) Will you include any bosses from the original SNES game, now with a GC makeover? I know the style of game has completely changed, but it would be interesting trying to battle the Attack Carrier on foot. Go on, admit, it would be interesting. Oh... fine.
     3) Has the name "General Scales" been changed? And if not, when are you planning to do it?
     4) Falco has gone jetting off on a glamorous solo career... bah. You don't fool me for one second, you know.
     5) Instead of giving the obligatory PD push button codes, Mr Pants and Arse topics individual numbers, I've decided to put them all under 5 to save time.
     Right, I'll be off now. Wait til I'm a fair distance away before starting to throw pies. Thankyou.

Them's some useless questions, boy. Consequently, I feel no guilt about passing on these useless answers from the SFA team.
     "1) The coding gorillas answer - 'Oooo aahha eee oo ooo ahhhhaaa ee ee!'
     "2) Once again the coding gorillas answer - 'Eeee oo ahaa aaaaa eep ooho ee!'
     "3) That's an odd comment from someone called Tigglypom. When are you going to change that?
     "4) No, really he has. Don't expect him to appear in Star Fox Adventures, he's jetting off on a glamorous solo career..."
     5) Your insolent dismissal of Scribes convention will make you no friends here. Pies are imminent.

Hey there,

      A lot of magazines have been talking about this new game called Sabre Wulf. Well, being the grandad that I am at 26, I obviously remember the original adventures of Sabre Man on the Sinclair Spectrum (back when you guys were Ultimate Play The Game)... but looking at the screenshots it looks more like Knight Lore, so my questions are this: Is it going to be true to the original, and also, will you follow this up with Sabre Man's other adventures, such as Knight Lore and Underwurlde? Sigh, the mention of their names almost brings a tear to my eye. Don't even mention Atic Atac...

It's nothing like the original Sabre Wulf, but then again none of Sabreman's other Speccy outings were anything like it either, so you'll have to decide for yourself whether or not it stays true to the spirit. It's a cracking little game, if that helps.
     Further updates? Who knows... but don't think this is the last we'll be seeing of Sabreman.

Dear Scribes,

     Being a Nintendo Magazine Editor in the Australian world of... well, Nintendo, I reckon I have some weight to throw around. It's about time Rare stood up to that misbegotten fan-boy hater George Lucas. Rare, much more superior to Lucasfilm, is not to be outdone with shock announcements like Mr. Goiter Lucas, so here's a few ideas you should be incorporating into Star Fox Adventures. As SFA is as grand an adventure as Attack of the Clones, it too shouldn't be without its fair share of celebrities. I want background cameos from the likes of Aaron Carter, that kid from Stuart Little, Chris Barrie, at least one of The Young Ones (preferably SPG), and Michaelangelo (the turtle) and an end of level boss could be either Sam Neill or Steve Irwin.
     Chips buddy, chips
     Stephen Farrelly

Steve Irwin would be impossible to defeat. The man is, frankly, psychotic. And seeing as Dinosaur Planet is home only to dinosaurs, human cameo appearances might look a wee bit out of place. Though if it's Aussie stars you want, the idea of Rolf Harris' face wobbling around on the end of a diplodocus' neck is strangely alluring.

Dear Scribes,
     I've been playing some Conker's Bad Fur Day lately, and something cought my eye. In that level where Conker has to go through that house thing and meet up with that Dracula guy, there are several (I think maybe two) pictures of Conker's ancestors. I thought to myself, "Those would make pretty neat wallpapers for my computer." So, I'm asking, would it be possible to make those available for download? If you did, that would make you the neatest guys ever.

So what are we now? The second neatest guys ever? Who's our competition? How could you leave out information like this?
     Apparently the original textures were hand-drawn at something like 64x64 pixels, so they wouldn't work fantastically well as wallpapers even if we could, er, find them. But thanks for asking.

Dear Scribes,

     Mr. Trout may be retired but due to the fact that he is still at an extremely young age (considering), he has taken up a new career. Using his international celebrity status, he has decided to go into modeling. My client told me to give you a picture of his most recent photo shoot. I have attached it to this letter. Mr. Trout wants to know if there's any way he can help sell your anticipated Rareware clothing line. I am only doing my job, so please do not send hatemail to my law firm if this request should in some way offend you. I can't imagine why, though.
     Daniel Fishopolis, Attorney at Law

But I thought Mr. Trout was dead. What is this, some kind of sick sabotage attempt? You want us to use rotting fish corpses to advertise the range of exclusive high-quality clothing that we don't currently have? And even if he's alive, I find it hard to imagine pants that stink of fish selling in their thousands...

Dear Scribes letter answerer,

     I can't remember seing any of my letters printed on your section, but I'm still taking a chance. So the first part is about the food stuff, which was started with the Alpha-Bits cereal, then pursued with the dilemma to choose between croutons or bacon bits. Surprisingly, you weren't so far... as long as my knowledge in Canadian gastronomy is not voided by the fact that I live in Québec. Around here, we put both croutons and bacon bits (wich are not necessarily made with real bacon, but still taste like some... well in a sense!) on the so great Caesar Salad, but I do remember putting croutons on my soup during my childhood. But I'll bet the best argument we have food-wise is the maple syrup, which I think you can find in luxury-imported food stores. Or am I wrong? Anyway, if you ever get some, try it on your so-called Weetabix cereal, it should change your whole conception of generic wheat-based cereal.
     But that's enough, isn't it? Okay, then, I'm changing subject. Mentioning that no one has asked about KI-3 or PD Zero is just like asking everyone to start doing so once again. Are you masochist? Well I'll just keep "failing to fulfill" your expectations, since for the moment I don't care about either KI-3 or PD Zero. Ha!
     But I'm still going to talk about PD, since creating a cast for a potential PD movie seems to be quite a hype these days... You'll say I'm a bit "Hollywoody", but my cinematic culture isn't that extended (thus I don't really know British actors - except for Rowan Atkinson - and naming unknown actors from Québec wouldn't mean much to the usual readers). So I go on:
     Joanna Dark: Charlize Theron
     Daniel Carrington: My math teacher of last year... He looks so much like Daniel (see picture attachment, taken from that school's phonebook). But I doubt he's a good actor, so I'd do for Danny DeVito.
     Jonathan: Brad Pitt (although I'd say the Justin Timberlake match is better... unfortunately!)
     Cassandra: Jamie Lee Curtis
     Trent Easton: Pierce Brosnan
     Mr Blonde: Arnold Schwarzenegger
     Elvis: Kenny Baker (don't know what he looks like, inside that R2-D2 costume, but for the size, he might just be fine!)
     Any Carrington institute scientist: Rowan Atkinson (he just HAS to have a role in that movie!)
     I guess this is kinda Hollywoodesque... anyway, I'll have tried! Well, I guess I'll be going now.
     Patrick "Pat the Cat" Bolduc

     P.S.: That Rare-only SSB thing is a really good idea. Think about it...
     P.P.S.: Notice: No numbered list!

Ah yes, croutons in salad. That would explain why I haven't had much experience with them. If they came in shiny foil bags, unrecognisable beneath a thick coating of salt and unconvincing chicken flavouring, it'd be a different story.
     Your maths psycho looks like one of those teachers who only have one expression - that of mindless, indiscriminate rage. Congratulations on getting through the year in one piece. And the more I think about it, the more I agree that Ms. Theron could actually work as Joanna Dark... it's just a shame your other suggestions are a bit rubbish.

Dear Scribimus Prime,

     Is it just me or do Krystal from Star Fox Adventures and the Sabre Wulf look eerily similar? Could there be some kind of distant relation there? Could Sabrewulf from Killer Instinct be some kind of twisted, inbred spawn of Krystal and the Sabre Wulf? Sounds like something that would be dealt with on a daytime talk show. Or Bad Fur Day 2. Or porn. Do you have the answers to this mystery? The people want to know.
     Darth Ridley

It's just you. And Count von Sabrewulf from Killer Instinct was originally human, which severely reduces the odds of him being a by-product of interspecies wolf/fox-girl breeding. My God, I can't believe I'm discussing this logically.

Dear Scribes,
     (Sorry, no semi-humorous nicknames for you this time.)
     First, I noticed about 50 people responded to my note about the DKC trilogy not having a drastically different 2nd iteration. (I'm assuming there's 48 people who didn't make it in.) I didn't say that "you ruined the DKC trilogy because you didn't make the second part drastically different from the others," I merely said you screwed with the trend. I also did not say that "most serieses have a divergent second game," I said most GREAT series have a unique 2nd game. (Not to say Crash, Ninja Gaiden, or MMX aren't great.)
     Second, when I wrote that, I was being a smart-ass. I didn't mean a thing by it. I was bored and had nothing to do so I sent an email which somehow made its way onto your site and into the hearts of many.
     Third, listen to my fake piano playing the Bats music from Conker 'cuz it's almost neat and you seem to have a thing for almost neat stuff. (Again that's me being a smart-ass. I can't remember any Rare thing that was any less than neat.)

Calm down. Nobody's coming to shoot your dog just because your theory was slightly half-arsed. Maybe it was just the novelty of seeing a letter about something other than button codes, Slippy's crapness or Krystal's jiggly bits that got the punters excited enough to respond in their 'droves'.
     As for your rendition of Bats, the original composer says: "I'd describe it as a good effort. It seems to have all the notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

All Hail The Mighty Ruler of Attached Pictures That Are Rubbish!

     Or Dear Scribes as I believe you say on Earth. I have just noticed a problem with one of your new games. Sabrewulf is actually the name of a Spectrum game made by Ultimate. Now I'm not surprised that you haven't heard of them as they were crap and don't seem to have made a game for about 15 years - a good thing there, but you should probably change the name to avoid legal problems. Let's face it, we don't want such a pathetic games developer as them suing Rare, the money they make could be used to make a new game.
     Hugh Jarse
     P.S. When you said depending on the player SFA could take over 100 hours, was the player you were referring to Sean Williamson? Just wanted to know as I really don't want yet another Luigi's Wendy House style 4 hour game.
     P.P.S. If you print this you must be prepared for the inevitable idiots writing about 100 letters pointing out that Rare is the new name for Ultimate.

Don't worry, they're not around any more. I read somewhere that they were bought out by Rage.
     PS I honestly don't know, but I seriously doubt you'll be polishing it off in four hours.
     PPS Yes. Even after they've read this. Makes you want to cry, doesn't it?

Dear Scribes,

     Although some time has passed without contact between our organisations, I have endeavoured to remain abreast of your activities, and I was bemused to note the recent confusion over "A.R.S.E. mode." Longtime readers will recall that A.R.S.E. stands for the Ape Research Society of England, the august group which I am privileged to direct, and our mode of operation can best be described by our motto, "Simian Perspicuity."
     You should be aware, however, that in recent years the scope of our charter has expanded. For instance, we have recently launched a bold new initiative, the Vulpine Sexuality Project. This groundbreaking study pledges to undertake a forthright and frank analysis of modern society's attitudes towards scantily clad, anthropomorphic fox-women. The topic is controversial, but we here at A.R.S.E. believe that the time has come to analyse rather than stigmatise. After all, the ancient Egyptians worshipped a cat-headed goddess who frequently went about garbed in nothing other than a strategically placed napkin. Were they a bunch of pervs? Very possibly, but this did not prevent them from building some whacking big pyramids. It is issues like these that the Vulpine Sexuality Project seeks to address.
     As a personal aside, I have recently been traveling in Japan and I thought you would be curious to see how the names of recent and upcoming games are being translated:
     Perfect Dark
Shrouded Without Flaw
     Conker's Bad Fur Day
Tree-Vermin Hairjinks
     Kameo: Elements of Power
Princess Jiggles: Monster Party
     Donkey Kong Racing
Mounted Ape Joy
     Diddy Kong Pilot
Monkeyling Aviator: Go! Go!
     Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers
Husky Gorilla Nuts
     Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge
Super Rural Twanging Device with Vibration Flute Faces the Wrath of the Poorly-Spoken Sorceress
     Sabre Wulf
Onwards, Victorian Helmetman
     Star Fox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet
Scantily Clad Anthropomorphic Fox-Woman Adventures: Hubba Hubba!
     Sincerely Yours,
     Chauncey Rumsworth Biddlebury III

You can certainly count on my support to get Kameo renamed Princess Jiggles. However, there's no law to say that ARSE can only stand for one thing, just as VSP can also stand for Virtual Service Provider and, er, Virginia State Police. Your own particular brand of ARSE couldn't possibly apply to Rob the Robot and the Star Fox team, unless you consider Andross and his thick nephew to be apes.
     Wait a minute, what's this? "Traveling"? With one 'L'? This does not bode well for your future as Chairman of ARSE, Biddlebury...

Dear Scribes,

     Normally I wouldn't spam your email with this trash (what am I saying, OF COURSE I WOULD), but, it occurred to me that Kameo is not going to be able to do any fighting whatsoever with those big arse boots on. Does she take them off before the fight? And what if someone grabs her ear? Apparently she lets the animals fight for her, but I got the impression that in the beginning she would have to fight herself. (Does she stomp her enemies?) Anyways, I am attaching a disturbing(?) pic for you to look at and enjoy. Sorry about not compressing it but I'm a lazy arse. I used Paint for Pete's sake!
     Jacob Hawkes

Have to fight herself? What, like a tramp in a bus station? Oh, you mean fight enemies herself, I see. Let's ask the team...
     "No she can't fight - that's why she has to collect the monsters. There. Simple. Easy. Any more?"
     That picture's awful. Of course, it might not even be yours because I got them all mixed up again. Tsk.

Dear corrector of all that is poor,
     I've got a few questions I want to rap up in yo'face. Khm. Right. The list.
     1] Was the Perfect Dark (which was freaking awesome, by the way) soundtrack inspired by something? This is probably a question better answered by Kirkhope. Some of the tracks sound very... Dragon Ball Z-ish for some reason. The techno beeps fading in and out can be compared to several face-offs in DBZ. Hey, speaking of PD, I've attached some fan art. Tell me what you think. Hahaha... I tried to make the Phoenix look as non-penis-like as I could. Not an easy task.
     2] Can we expect to see any new games at E3 this year? I'm not asking you to name any, but It'd be nice to know if we're going to see more than updated versions of Kameo, SFA, and DKR.
     3] Please. No. Say it ain't so! SFA delayed again!? September!? Oh, boy. I have to sit down. Agent Under Fire's hold-your-hand gameplay won't last me that long. Could we at least have a reason? Or even better, tell me that I'm a crazy, crazy, gullible b*st*rd that believes too much from secondary sources.
     Been interesting,
     -Bright Eyes

1) Keep your dirty Dragon Ball Z talk off this page, young man. I've seen how it infests and corrupts other, more innocent forums - look, it's already given you some kind of phallus obsession. Mr. K says: "Ah yes... the old Dragon Ball question, erm, I must confess I've never actually heard any music from it. The Perfect Dark tunes all came from my own little brain... would you believe it! Anybody would think that I was employed as a musician or something... no, surely not!"
     2) Maybe some announcements. Maybe game-related, maybe not. Who knows? (Well, apart from us.)
     3) It just ain't finished, and we don't have it in us to ship an unfinished game. Go on, swear at us if it makes you feel better... oh, I see hundreds of you already have. Thanks.

To f**kheads at rarewear,

     I've been playing your game conkers bad fur day the, game and the story in itself is good until you play it, then your always p*ssed off cause you can't do sh*t your controls get tooken away you can't jump when you need too. The computer can hit you every time and even if you put the cheat to make it easy they have an even better shot. in mulitplay it's bogus cause you can't do any thing when you put it to enstien, and i never was able to figure out wheter inbred was was the worset they could be or the best that's how f**ked up it was. i just throw the damn game out the window cause on the stage were you have to run back to the ship, with the tediz shotting bazokas at you. I tryed over a 100 time's with the cheat code i used it 2 time's and never made it all the way threw, i even looked and tryed the way people told me to go on the guide's or walkthoughs it's a bunch of crap. i hope when it come's out for wahat ever system you make on you learn how not to make it so the game isn't p*ssing people off cause i've been to alot of website were people like the game but can';t stand it. and they just payed 50 bucks for it. Making a computer cheat isn't making the game harder, it make's it pointless, making more guy's have in them do more stuff. make's it harder putting them in tricky places makes it hard. Not what programers do now in days, probaly just to cut time.

What was I saying about people swearing at us? (At least I think he's swearing - sort of hard to tell.) Thanks for your constructive criticism, anyway, Dan. I'll personally make sure that us f**kheads try to do better next time. There's definitely something wrong with the game if your controls get tooken away when the Tediz are shotting bazokas at you, especially if the difficulty's set to enstien.
     The Bad Fur Day team leader suggests you "try using the 'Education System' most countries in the world provide."

My Dearest Ms. Loveday,

     As a young lady (who is not getting any younger) of rapturous beauty, and cunning wit (if a bit botty related) I have come to fancy you. Now now, I know you don't know this south American (Mississippi) plantation owner from apples, but I have lots to offer. Brandywine on the porch of my home, as the sun sets upon the cotton fields. Money to buy furs, corsets and what have you and your wicked woman's mind can bother to come up with. You would have to commit yourself to some of the more frowned upon biblical acts, and speaking in mixed company would need to be nixed. But, within some parameters, I can make you the happiest "foreigner" this side of the Mason Dixon.
     Now tell me you love me, now tell me you'll be mine. I want to look deeply into those <insert color> eyes, and swim in the pools of <insert fruitier name of said color>. I want to marry, and make you mine forever! I can offer you many acres, much cotton, assorted servants, and any number of dollar bills if you'd say you'd be mine truly, or truly mine, and say it truly. If you would but tell me so. I would shout it from the hill tops, sing it from the trees, "KALOO KALLAY, I've the love of a one, Ms. Loveday!" If only. My days would be of moist happiness, of loin girding joy! I await your response, wedding ham by my side.
     Colonel Nicholas Rump

Make it a wedding hamper of Peppermint Aeros and Toblerones and I'm all yours, Rumpsy. Of course, I understand that for the sake of appearances I'd have to put an end to such unseemly things as working for a living, meaning that you'd have to take over Scribes and interact with people like the lovely Dan (see above) from now on... wait a minute, where are you going? I thought you wanted to swim in my fruity brown pools?

Loveday You Arse-Obsessed Fool!

     In SSX Tricky, if you play as Moby and get into a fight with another character so that they shout at you after the race, there is about a one in four chance that he will reply "That is a load of b****cks!". This is despite the game being rated E by ESRB. It kind of puts that whole "One hell of a guy" thing in perspective doesn't it?
     P.S. I know that noone has been talking about this for about a year - shut up!

Snappy name you've got there, 84DH. Can I call you 84DH? I've no idea whether you're telling the truth or you're just a compulsive liar/have really bad hearing, but it sounds funny anyway. Does he emphasise the second syllable as 'locks' instead of 'lucks'? That's how you can tell if it's an American voice actor, y'see.

Dear Mr. Scribes Editor Guy,
     Despite the fact that the chances of my serious questions being answered properly are even less than the chances this letter has of being printed, I thought I may as well try just for the bloody hell of it!
     a) I read in a previous Scribes that Starfox Adventures had auto-targeting onto enemies. Fair enough, but if you are being attacked by more than one enemy, is there any way to switch which enemy you are targeting? e.g. in the Zelda N64 games, you just pressed Z again and the enemy which you were targeting was changed.
     b) Why-O-Why are the movies available for download on this site in Quicktime and not Windows Media Player? Quicktimes is rubbish. The End.
     c) So the purpose of the airwing is to move from one world to another. So does this mean that when you land on a world, do your exploring, kick some bosses' arses etc. you have to go back to the point where you originally landed your airwing? Or is it like JFG where your ship just magically moves from one point to another?
     d) You eat Bob the Builder spaghetti shapes? What are you thinking? Everyone knows that Scooby-Doo spaghetti shapes are the best! Well maybe not everyone, but I do.
     e) Those "Alpha-Bit" cereals remind me a bit of the good old "Lucky Charms" which used to be out here in the UK, since they too contained marshmallow pieces. Actually, remove the 'good old' part from that, because they were disgusting. Weetabix is definitely almighty, the king of cereals. And the Americans don't get it. Ha ha.
     Thanks for your time,

a) Team says: "Yes."
     b) Nonsense, man. In my experience, Media Player is ridiculously arbitrary about what formats it can be arsed to play. Anyway: "We like Quicktime," declare the team. And you can't argue with that.
     c) 'Arwing', not 'airwing', silly boy. Officially: "The Arwing remains where you land. You can make your way back there at any time."
     d) But... but... they're both made by HP (no, not Hewlett Packard) and taste identical. Anyway, Heinz ones are much nicer - shame about the licences. I mean, Steps pasta shapes? What are they thinking?
     e) I'd almost managed to forget about Lucky Charms. Weetabix are at their best if you dump about six spoonfuls of sugar on top and kill them with half a pint of milk - otherwise you can't beat the choketastic and slightly dirty-sounding Clusters.

Good Evening, Mr. Scribes...

     I have numbered questions and stupid pictures of blokes in pants. You have a big company and a short temper. This won't end well...
     1. How come we never see Tiptup's wife in any games? Is it because she's too knackered? I mean, c'mon - 19 kids? Tiptup's a machine!
     2. The new Sabrewulf art is brilliant. Would that be the work of a certain Wil Overton?
     3. O.K., so Mr. Pants originated here in Britain, then went to America and Australia. "So where next?" I hear you ask. Behold! Japanese Pants!
     4. Where in the name of sweet Jesus in a bread bin has the Banjo Kazooie/Tooie link gone? I read somewhere that Rare insisted that it was still in there, but I can't find a thing. If it's there, how do I do it?
     5. Mr. Pants is nowhere near as disturbing as Mr. Loveday...
     6. Do you watch Black Books? Bloody hilarious, that is.
     7. I think I saw Sean Williamson's name in the credits of a film once. ARSE! Er, yes, sorry.
     I need sleep now, so I'll quietly walk away...
     Yours sincerely,
     Mr. Frumpenmyer
     PS. That isn't my real name.
     PSS. If PS stands for Post Script, what does OK stand for?

Joy! Another list. You're right, this probably won't end well.
     1) Yeah, but turtles lay loads of eggs at a time, remember. He could be woefully inexperienced and still have 19 kids.
     2) I can see where you're coming from, but no, it's not... whoops, almost slipped up there and told you what he is working on.
     3) Since when do a woolly hat and handlebar moustache scream 'Far East'?
     4) I thought everyone knew that the FGN 'Rare insists' story was a classic misquote.
     5) Dammit! I thought they'd shut down that webcam!
     6) Dylan Moran = comedy god.
     7) I'll tell you what, the credits of AI are brimming over with excellent names. I didn't think anybody could beat Greg Killmaster until, out of the blue... Jonathan Wank.

Dear Scribes,
     I got back to playing Goldeneye recently (trying to top my time in Facility) and I got to thinking about differences between Goldeneye and Perfect Dark. The thing that I want to bring up is that in the next PD it would enhance the game if double fisting guns was an option. I know that having too many options can become hindersome but in the case of playing multiplayer on one hit kills double fisting all the pistols detracts from the gameplay. It drasticaly increases the rate of fire of the guns and decreases the difficulty. Well I just thought that I would throw in my two cents. I'm sure that you know what I'm talking about but if you don't just compare both games in multi with pistols only and with one hit kills on.
     Thanks for listening,
     Ben Lewis

Always finish on a high note. For anyone who thought PD didn't deserve a Mature rating, there you go - it was down to all that double fisting. We're amazed it got released at all.
     Mr. Designer says: "You could partially rectify the situation by not putting pistols in the level. But this in itself would not help, really - the 'one hit kill' mode is always going to tend towards high body-count gameplay. Blame the mode rather than the weapons - your effectiveness goes up drastically, not the weapons' rate of fire. I do know what you're saying though; one of the most interesting experiences in multiplayer GoldenEye was the 2 player match, one hit kills, pistols, in the archives, with autoaim off. The sport of gentlemen. You were able to use 2 DD44s but I can't remember offhand if that was a single player feature only.
     "For a real barrel of laughs in PD try one hit kills and throwing knives only. Cutlery mayhem - you can't beat it."

Why don't you make Video Scribes? You could tape yourself and a few other people, in colour at the centre of the building all while reading back the messages, all while making smart arse remarks at the corrupt ones?
- Mike :-)

Apart from the size of the download, you couldn't pay me enough.

Rare is god. Goldeneye is, therefore, a gift from god. Please make another 007 game or I will kill you.
Michael Cochrane

You'd kill God? That's a bit Nietzschean for Snippets, isn't it?

I'd like to thank you for catching the evil fiend who won't give me Captain Skyhawk 2 and questioning him, if you could just post him to me in weekly instalments I would be delighted.
Mick Chomyk

We can't take the risk of you surgically reconstructing him.

In an N64 mag interview, Rare said that they had a wish list for Goldeneye, what was it, and is it in a confined safe in a secret trap door or sewn into one of the Stamper brothers' trousers?
Alexander Davies

A lovely image, but it's more likely to have ended up in the bin.

If Banjo is a bear, a rather large animal, why does he always find himself talking to usually small animals twice his size? Are we to believe that chickens and bees are larger than the average bear?
The King of Kongs

He's a special magic bear. You know that. Don't play the fool.

Just to clear a little something up: Mini Racers was the property of Looking-Glass Studios, who have since 'bitten the big one'. Still, you weren't missing much - it was looking a bit rubbish anyhow.
Alun MacRae

So that's when Rare acquired it!!1! When's it released?!![?#1

Who do you think is stupider, Jonathan from PD or Blubber from Banjo-Kazooie?
Chris Shorter (Shorty)

Not something I'd ever considered. I'll get back to you.

You work alone? Just a curious question...
Johns Program

Are you trying to hire me for a hit?

After some extensive research, I've managed to whittle down the Top FALSE 'Perfect Dark 0' Rumors from a field of about 10,000. Here ya go.
Gaming Eye

The spotlight one doesn't sound too far-fetched to me...

You know, it's not even funny to make fun of how you have to say arse to get printed anymore. First we act stupid, then we make fun of acting stupid, then we make fun of making fun of acting stupid. When will this wild merry-go-round of Scriby fun ever stop?
-Mixi, the shape-shifting Moblin

Let's hope not! As long as there's stupidity, there'll be Scribes.

Is it just me or is every new game on GBC/GBA that's made by Rare a top-down adventure like Conker's Pocket Tales? How about something different? Like a port of Anticipation on GBA!

It's just you. Grunty's Revenge doesn't count as "every new game".

If you knew you would die tomorrow... what would you do today?
- Thisisgod

Not bloody Snippets, that's for sure.

This is actully the 1st email i sent from my new computer so you should feel speacial. I SAID FEEL SPEACIAL GOD DAMN IT. sorry for taking the lords name in vain.

No problem, Luke. We all get excited about feeling 'speacial'.

I have to know - what are these "Ricicles" and "Weetabix" that you speak of? To my best guess, Ricicles is made from 100% Recycled Cans and Glass Bottles, while Weetabix is made from recycled unmentionables that I can't say in this letter without being bludgeoned by abuse.

I was about to argue with you, but you're probably not far wrong.

That is freaky ass the way DK moves in SSBM. It looks like he's humping.


And any readers who think that's disturbing should see the next one...

Can you guys make the Sesamie Street game have a lot of sexualty, like you did with the conker games?

Congratulations on the 'best' double bill of Snippets appearances 'ever'.