Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We might even respond when we recover from last night.
Updated when there's nothing better to do!If you're reading this, I still haven't been arsed to change the graphic

Look at the Scribes,
Look how they shine for you...
Wait, that's just a urine stain
.

NOVEMBER 8, 2001


Dear Scribey-like glowing thingies,

     I got a few questions that I have spent hours and hours pondering over like several mad doctors do.
     1. I recently saw a Banjo-Tooie montage, and I was wondering why there was a pic of a RED Bottles with a pitchfork in his hand, I have never seen him in the game, what exactly is it?
     2. I wished to ask exactly how Conker holds that much liquid in his p*sser when he only got tanked with a bit of beer.
     3. Did Kazooie find a way to wash her beak after she drilled out Loggo? I personally would not want that taste in my mouth.
     4. How many hours of sleep do Rareware employees get per week?
     5. What kind of *ahem* Relationship are Dilberta and Bullion Bill in Glitter Gulch mine having?
     6. Has anyone ever tried to invade your headquarters on the basis of espionage?
     8. Why do I miss the number 7 on my questions and mess up on my capitalaization and sperlling
     -Enedar, lord of all chaotic things that explode.

     P.S. Don't store beer with nuclear weapons... it will make you glow green.

Ah, good. Start with a rubbish one.
     1. itis dEV1L #BOtTaLS!!1/! HEis in aSECrerT su#bGAEm cAlleD ,B0TalS rEViNGE!!!@!
     2. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, he's a special magic squirrel.
     3. I don't want that taste in my mouth either, but nobody else is going to do Scribes for me.
     4. How many hours of what, sorry?
     5. Don't start. Oh, what the hell - a filthy, depraved sexual one.
     6. Calm down, we're not that interesting.
     8. Because you're a crazy, off-the-wall guy with a wacky, nonconformist name and zany, unorthodox questions. Sigh.


Dear Scribes,

     I anxiously await the release of StarFox Adventures and have lately taken up the habit of downloading any and all media released about it, such as screenshots and movies. In these movies though, I have noticed that the music, while lovely, isn't quite the same style as the music from the N64 version. My question is this; does this game contain the music from the N64 game (perhaps in remixed form)? Or has that music been totally done away with? I really liked that old music, particularly 'Swapstone Circle' and 'Discovery Falls' and would like to see them show up in the redesigned game. Is there any chance that we'll be hearing these tunes upon the game's release? Thanks.
     * brad

SFA
's blushing musician explains: "The emphasis of the latest videos has been towards showing those elements from the original StarFox games. In keeping with this we decided to use some of the original StarFox music and blend this in as much as possible with Dinosaur Planet. Most of the original music from Dinosaur Planet is indeed in the game, but we have taken the opportunity to use some of the original StarFox themes within the Gamecube environment."


Dear Scribes,

     Best news ever ever ever! Sabreman is back. AND: he's grown a moustache. I was rather hoping it'd be a Game Cube thing, though. Testing the water, eh?
     I was a little disappointed to see that it's all bright colours and blue skies; the original always conveyed the sense of a sort of twilight jungle, but I see now that was the just the limitations of only being able to draw in four colours.
     I expect he'll be a little more PC this time round, as well. Not so much killing defenceless monkeys or stabbing innocent Africans, hmm?
     One question though; I don't really understand where this all fits into the chronology; last time we saw Sabreman he was a werewolf and a wizard and stuff. So is this like a 're-make' of the first game or is it the next one in the sequence?
     Cheers loves,
     Raz


It's not really anything like the first game. Besides, it's clearly set long after all the previous instalments in the Sabreman saga, as he's now a wobbly old fart who can't even carry his sword any more. Runs like a bugger, mind.
     Four colours? Even I know that you could easily squeeze fifteen out of the old Speccy with judicious use of the BRIGHT command...


Dear Uncle Albert,

     I have come a long way to write this (it was hell having to get out of bed and walk 5 yards to my keyboard I can tell you) but it will all seem worthwhile once I see my humble collection of meaningless shapes adorning Scribes between a letter about someone's obscenely high Mr Pants 2K1 score and the bloke moaning about the obsession with Mr Pants and the word arse.
     Now I've been playing Rare games ever since RC Pro-Am on the NES, I buy every one I can get my hands on (except DK64 for some reason). I've loved Solar Jetman (insanely hard as it is), I've cried over Banjo Kazooie, I've laughed at Conker and I've nearly thrown PD and Goldeneye out of the window countless times (thinking back about that sentence I should have used the word "Defenestrated", it's so pretty). I have however noticed that amid all the obsessions over connectivity between games and orgasmic letters about Conker people seem to have forgotten two of the greatest franchises Rare have ever had, two games that I wish would be upgraded to Gamecube status (or at least included in their NES gloriousness as a mini game on whatever game you're admitting to being in development this week), these games being RC Pro-Am and Captain Skyhawk. Why have these two original franchises been left in the wilderness like some unloved child, or are you going to admit to actually developing one of them for a newer format? I demand answers... please.
     Yours sincerely,
     MrChom (B.A, S.A., F.R.I.C.S, Sir, GeneralÚ, Leader of the people's republic of Botavia, Mrs)
     PS Help me I'm being chased by a giant Rabbit covered in Jam!


You're not very good with commas, are you? Or capitals, come to think of it.
     None of our franchises are "unloved". We cherish them all, and weep for each day that passes without work on their return beginning anew. Yes, even Taboo. Maybe. But as you yourself demonstrate, not everybody wants to see the same titles resurrected, plus the ownership rights can also be murky with some of these older games.
     But here's a special message from Captain Skyhawk's lead programmer, just for you:
     "Thanks for liking my game. I think you're about the third person in ten years to write to us about it. I'd love to do another Captain Skyhawk game. It will always have a special place in my heart, particularly as it is the only game I know of to have achieved negative sales figures. But having spent half my working life on the DK series, I find myself unable to contemplate working on anything not featuring furry animals. It would take a great deal of effort to include it as a mini game within a Gamecube title, and for very little benefit. And as you didn't buy DK64, I can't be arsed. The nearest thing you're likely to get is the Arwing sections in StarFox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet."



To Scribes,

      1) Hi.
      2) Please make your next Killer Instinct game on the GBA.
      3) Don't listen to the people who said the new web-site design is crap, they probably make up a very small percentage of the population of people who visit this site.
      4) Could you please find out and tell me what that percentage is?
      5) We get the PAL versions of N64 games in Australia. Is that the same as UK and Europe?
      6) If so, do they get released on the same date?
      7) If not, could you tell me why?
      8) Please reply to this as I've included the words Arse, Wanger and Gum-Job.
     Your Mate,
     Tom Rees


1) Yes, yes, get on with it.
     2) Keep going.
    
3) Thankfully, I'm well aware that people are more inclined to write when they've got something bad to say. It means that there are loads of people out there who love the site but just can't be arsed writing in to tell us. No, really.
     4) Let's see... no.
     5) Yes.
     6) Not always.
     7) It's all down to distributors. Plus sometimes the Aussie version ships without waiting for the extra European language options (e.g. Conker).
     8) I noticed. Shame you signed off just as you were getting to the good bits.


Dear Scribes,
     I have carefully researched this. Having minute British upbringing, I automatically assumed that Chucky Poo's lament made perfect sense... until I decided to look up some of the words myself. I'm afraid I failed to find 'bab', 'tw*t', 'tagnut', and 'mimimimimi'. Other than that, Sloprano has a great voice and might have been propelled into a brilliant career if not for his flushing.
     If you do decide to resurrect him as an undead necromancer (read: Madam Winkybunion), perhaps he could team up with those alligators in Frantic Factory and do a burp-and-fart symphony. It would be an instant classic, and you would have me to thank.
     Also, it is impossible to generate power from an ice egg. I just can't see applying the principles of nuclear fusion to something as... hmm... as an 'ice egg'.
     Blor-Utar

Utar Saints! U-U-U-Utar Saints! Sorry.
     I'm sure you can discern the meanings of 'bab' and 'tw*t' (as if you didn't know already) from the context in which the GMP uses them, whereas 'tagnut' is a bit more specific and therefore hard to explain without coming across as vulgar. Which of course I couldn't possibly do. Instead I'll quote from that highly-respected British swearological resource, Roger's Profanisaurus:
     tagnuts n. Toffee strings; winnets; clinkers; dangleberries; bead curtains.


Dear Scribes:
     First time to write y'all, but I read every Scribes that y'all put out. Here's hoping for a response in the next update. Well anyway, I have but two humble requests. First, I realize that I do not know you personally, but I believe you are a good person at heart with good intentions. I don't know if it's a British thing or some common term that I don't hear often, but the word "snigger" is probably not the best choice to use for laughing or whatever it means. Around here in west Texas, that kind of thing can be misconstrued by African-Americans, such as myself, and I don't want to see anything happen to my favorite game developers because of a simple misunderstanding. I hope this doesn't provoke any negative feedback and whatnot.
     Second, Jet Force Gemini is one of the best games ever made in my opinion, and I love the soundtrack. Along with the ones y'all have already done, I hope that y'all will also add the water world/mole mine composition as well as the military base when the opportunity arises.
     Well thanks for at least reading this letter and I wish you great fortune in all of y'all's present and future endeavors. Peace.
     Southside Player


Now this... this is bizarre, and I'd be sorely tempted to kick off a long, stupidity-defying rant if you'd phrased it any less politely. As it stands, though, I'll just make do with a bemused expression. Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid? Life must be tough if you're looking for personal insults in everything you read or hear. 'Snigger' is a widely-used word as far as I'm aware, along the lines of 'giggle' or 'chortle' but with added sarcasm: I'm sure some of you will be only too happy to let me know if this isn't the case elsewhere. Whatever, I sincerely hope that nobody else thinks I'm trying to slip in racist abuse at every opportunity. I'm one of the least prejudiced people I know - I don't really like anyone.



Dear British Scribesman,

     With the release of the Gamecube, more (and I mean more) gamers want to learn more about Star Fox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet. This question might be the first of probably the many unanswered questions that many will write in. Is Dinosaur Planet is the only planet you can visit or will there be others?
     That is all I can say. Good night.
     Daniel Velovic


The answer bubbles forth from the team thusly:
     "Dinosaur Planet is the only planet that you visit. General Scales has unleased the power of the SpellStones which has torn Dinosaur Planet apart. You use the ArWing to fly from the planet's surface up to the pieces of the planet that orbit above."


Dearest Scribblers,

      I seem to have noticed that you updated Scribes. Hurray! I do however have a few questions. I can just see your face light up at the premise of this, I'm sure.
     1) Kameo. Elf or witch?
     2) Bottles. Evil warlord or gentle family man?
     3) ERR... I ran out of things to say.
     4) Do you play Dance Dance Revolution?
     5) God, I am so sorry I just made you read this.
     I will quote from AIM to help this letter be more... letterish.
     "ZZTbenco (11:13:57 AM): I am sending a witty letter to rareware, wanna help me think of stupid things to say?
     Old homeless bum (11:14:47 AM): ASK THEM ABOUT THAT MOLE FAGORT FROM BANGOJORITJNNOGASTO"
     -Benco

I've just wasted a good couple of minutes typing in numbers for
my responses, staring at the screen then deleting them again because I can't bring myself to give each of your 'points' serious consideration. I'm only printing this because the "MOLE FAGORT" bit made me snigger. That's right: snigger.


Hi. Some questions:

     1. In the G5 Building in Perfect Dark, you know the stairs that you have to go up to get to the lasers, and then you use the Camspy? My question is this; WHY THE HELL ARE THERE STAIRS LEADING UP THERE!!!???? There's nothing up there but lasers. Even if you guys included a door up there, and made the door locked, then there would have been a logical explanation as to why the stairs were there, but there isn't.
     2. In Conker, the teddez (or however you spell it), say something weird. Whenever they're around they mumble stuff we can't understand, but I was able to make out one thing. They sound like they're saying 'Mother F***er'. Is this intentional? And if so, did Nintendo notice this?
     Thanks, bye.
     * James

     PS. Hurry up with Perfect Dark 2 already!!!

1. I thought I'd give the designer an opportunity to explain your half-arsedness:
     "He's inexpertly referring to the cable ducting. The stairs are there so that (depending on your point of view of course):
     "a) The humble and overworked G5 technicians can get to the cables to perform any alterations or repairs to the cables and lasers, or;
     "b) Jo can crawl over them herself (the cable ducts, not the technicians) and drop down through the hole above the other door, or;
     "c) the CamSpy can get through the hole after floating along the ducts, or;
     "d) gibbons like yourself don't bump into walls for hours on end trying to find 'secret ladders' or tear the manual apart looking for the non-existent 'jump' button.
     "You should infer nothing from this, of course, but I've just bought a cordless drill and a selection of interestingly-shaped bits."
     2. I don't know, and because I've already taken up so much space with the answer to your first question, I can't be arsed finding out.


Dear Scribes/Leigh/Sue/Magical Golden Feather/who does Scribes anyway?

      It's definite! Mr Pants is in BFD! I have the picture!
      Right then, now to think of a good excuse to run. Ah yes, I have to visit Gnawty in the Royal Hospital. No, seriously. Damn Kazooie, just HAS to take her rage out on SOMEONE... I'll show her not paying for a broken window... I'll shove that up her arse...
     Nabnuts, Click Clock Wood, Grunty's lair, N. Ireland

Are you trying to steal the accolade of Shoddiest RPA from that shocking RoboPants thing from the last edition? It's not a bad attempt, to be honest.


Dear whoever-you-are,
     I have one thing to say, and that's all. StarFox needs a longer muzzle. A fox (or Todd as you call 'em over there... I think...) has a longer, more pointed muzzle than Star has at the moment. He looks more dog than fox right now. I should know, the fox is my favorite animal. I know just about everything there is to know about them, or If I don't know something, I know someone who does, and I know that stupid muzzle needs to be slightly longer and pointed. The StarFox 64 model had a decent muzzle. Try to base it off that. You remodeled the Jet Force team once, so why not Star?
     ~Andrew Renard, The Phantom Fox


I'll let you in on a little secret. Don't tell anyone, but... he's not even a real fox. If you look carefully, you'll see that he's standing on two legs, wearing clothes and flying a spaceship. Keep it quiet.
     Two other things you apparently don't know about foxes: 1) Nobody's ever called a fox a 'Todd' over here. 2) His name's Fox McCloud. Not Star the Fox. You arse.


To you wits down at Rare:

     Straight to the point: this is about your recent addition to the Perfect Dark section. No nonsense in this email about Mr. Pants or anything. I'd like you to consider posting this message, because it represents a great deal of your gamers. Being a devoted player of Perfect Dark myself, I soon became interested in that "Mystery" stuff and the like, as others have. I'd like to thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for addressing the stuff we've been nagging you about for so long once and for all. I speak for many, many, of your fans when I say that we're very happy with the information you've supplied, accept it, and hopefully we can put this nonsense behind us and start playing your games again instead of hunting for things to bother you about. I look forward to Rare's Gamecube era with much anticipation, wish you many productive years, and hope the PD team can get some sleep now after answering our questions once and for all.
     Thanks!
     -Steven E. Nigma

Now hang on a minute. It's not fair, you just wading in here and throwing your appreciation around like that. I don't know where I stand when people start being polite and reasonable, and when it's with regard to something like the PD 'mysteries'... well, it boggles the mind. I'm sure you meant well, but it'd be easier to swallow for all of us if you could just come back and try again later with something a lot more venomous and accusatory. Cheers.


Dear Scribes guy,

      After your mention of playing Super Smash Brothers with 'Bot', I began to wonder if you in any way resented the fact that Donkey Kong, after you took all the trouble to make him his own games and turn him into a hero, has been transformed by HAL into the slowest and most inane character, whose sole redeeming feature is that he can grab the other characters and run off the edge with them. I know it was Nintendo's character to begin with, but does no one at Rare feel a little cheated by the sudden lapse in DK's abilities? Poor, poor monkey.
     James Stenhouse

     PS. Why is Captain Falcon so much better than any of the other characters?
     PPS. I know DK is an ape, but monkeys are funny.
     PPPS. Show me your moves!


But diving off the edge with people is very nearly amusing enough to make up for DK's shortcomings, as is the Crate Surprise (i.e. suddenly running up and braining someone with it). Oh, and belting them clear off the screen with his ridiculous wind-up punch thing is also enjoyable, in the one time out of twenty that it actually connects. See? He's not so bad. Of course he's slow, but I'd still take DK over smelly old Kirby any day.


Dear Mr Sean Tripedox "Pants" Williamson,

      Hello good sir, just would like to start this correspondence off with a right jolly congratulations on your previous works of video entertainment. I most enjoyed them all, especially Perfect Dark, even more smashing then its precursor Goldeneye. A couple of the chaps at the gentleman's club were pondering questions to ask you, and since I am the video entertainment afficianado of the group, here they are.
     #1 Bloody good show with Perfect Dark and all that, quite enjoyable. I was wondering though, why can't I see my feet or any part of me at all besides my hands. It's quite disconcerting to not be able to see yourself. Still your decision to keep dear old Jo invisible was probably sound, or we would have boatloads of filthy Americans rambling on about her chest and such.
     #2 Considering your considerable experience in this field, I thought maybe you could make a historically based game. Come now, can you imagine, a Historical Realtime strategy game, centering on the most famous exploits of the jolly old empire. Think of it, controlling the archers at Agincourt, leading the cavalry charge at Waterloo, over the top at the Somme, on the beaches in Normandy, what an idea if I do say so myself!
     #3 I've heard greatly about secret games in development. I greatly dislike secrets. Could you just confirm that Perfect Dark 2, Killer Instinct 3, Conker's Other Bad Day, Banjo-Threeie, and the as yet to be named Gran Turismo killer are NOT in development? It would make me feel much reassured, as all this "secretive" faving about is unbecoming to the gentlemanly reputation of RARE.
     #4 What is all this nonsense about a survey man that only wears pants?
     Your humble servant,
     Sir Bran of Stinkmoor

1) I'll quote the designer on this one: "Yes."
     2) Indeed, what an idea: just imagine a game with an audience consisting solely of beardy British historians and military fanatics. Doesn't exactly cover all bases, does it? And what do you mean, "considerable experience in this field"? We weren't actually around in 1415, you know (well, not all of us).
     3) I can officially confirm that at least three of those aren't in development. Two of them would have been handled by the same team anyway.
     4) Just that, sir - absolute nonsense. Fancy forgetting about his hat. Tch.


Dear Rare,
     You're not gonna put this one up are you?
     Anyway, I have two things to say.
     1. In Perfect Dark, you refer to Area 51 as Groom Dry Lake. This is incorrect. The lake bed in which Area 51 is located is called Groom Lake. It is a dried up lake, but dry is not in its name. That I am sure of, because I have been to its gates. The signs read AREA 51, KEEP OUT, NO TRESPASSERS, VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW. And then, on the bottom of the sign it says: Area 51-Division 8-Edwards Air Force Base- Groom Lake Facility. So please get your facts right before releasing a game.
     2. How do I get a hold of one of those DKR action figures? I can't find them anywhere. AND... Does Nintendo make BK action figures? If so, how can I get some?
     * RB, expert on Neutron Stars (ask if ya want to learn about them)


Hey, it's shaping up to be a cracking edition for the PD designer...
     "I can only assume that the neutron star expert business is a bit slow these days.
     "Anyway, displaying a flagrant disregard for the extra three characters and the space, I chose to use 'Groom Dry Lake' over any other name that I found during my research; I now use the same flagrant disregard towards your e-mail and delete it from my PC.
     "2) I believe they are sold in Groom Dry Lake, which is why you may have been having trouble getting them."



Dear Scribes,

     You've said time and time again that if anyone tosses a game idea your way, then there's no chance in hell that it would be made due to legal problems. So any game-related ideas sent in would have no chance in happening, like me saying "Put an aristocratic dog in a top hat in KI3". There is no chance that dog would be there, or else I could say that you're stealing my idea. Now this may also work the other way around, the way I see it... So I have a few things to say, then:
     -Don't start work on Banjo-Threeie right away!
     -Do not make a new Donkey Kong Country side scroller for the Gameboy Advance! And whatever you do, don't put Dixie in it!
     -Make GBA ports of all your old games like Nintendo is doing!
     -Please don't make 6 more Conker sequels in the near future!
     -Continue work on your wonderful Disney games. Whatever you do, do not can them and start a completely new franchise!
     There. That oughta do it. I just hope my stupid idea works, or else I'm going to look like a complete idiot. That last sentence I wrote is probably going to be the first thing you'll want to reply to. Hopefully with "It wouldn't be too hard for you to look like a complete idiot!" or something like that.
     -Bhlaab

Spoilsport. You can say what you like - KI3: Aristocratic Dog Edition was our idea and you can't prove anything.
     Anyway, at least one item on your non-wish list is redundant because we're not currently working on any Disney games. Ha! That's told you.


Hello Scribey-people,
     In your response to Daniel Sleeth's letter about UK Starfox games getting stupid names you said "I remember a dodgy old wireframe shoot-'em-up by the same name on the Spectrum, but that's probably nothing to do with it". Well as usual you've got it completely wrong, idiot. Starfox had to have a name change in the UK because of copyright problems involving this game, hence the rubbish "Starwing" title over here. Bizarrely when Starfox 64 was being converted for a UK release it turned out that this name was also not allowed because George Lucas thought Starwing sounded too much like a Star Wars game and Nintendo had to settle for the truly pitiful "Lylat Wars" title.
      Anyway, since the title is now a bit longer, hopefully Rare will be able to keep the proper name but if the same problem arises then I totally agree with Daniel - DO NOT CALL IT "LYLAT WARS ADVENTURES: DINOSAUR PLANET". Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time so I'll be off now.
     Andrew McGrae
     PS. Keep up the good work SFA is looking Assume!!


Hello Rare!

     Regarding the change of the name of the original StarFox, apparently "Starfox" is the name of a vacuum cleaner in Britain!
     So that would explain the name change... right?
     Why they changed it to "StarWing" I will never understand... you Brits are weird, no wonder you need a Swedish manager... hehe.
     So long,
     Marc Spectra (a.k.a Mr Socks)

Oh, which one to believe, which one to believe... *rolls eyes*
     I'm not quite sure where Lylat Wars sprang from either. Surely they could have settled for something less radical, like 'StarBlokes' or, I don't know, 'SexFox'. Anyway, I've asked the game's designer to see if he can get a straight answer out of NCL regarding the long-standing Euro name change malarkey. Rest assured that as soon as I hear anything... I might not tell you, haha.


Dear Scribes,

     In the last Scribes, there was a letter from 'JMP' asking "why oh why did you not include a survival mode [in Perfect Dark]?" In your reply, you (I say you, I mean the PD team) gave an answer, to whit: "I don't know for certain but I think you can cobble one together from the options. I'd have tried to do that before writing in and looking foolish." Yes. Well. I sure hope the PD designer appreciates irony. Mr. Designer was wrong. And not just the regular, boring, run-of-the- mill type of wrong. Staggeringly, stupidly so, for reasons including, but not limited to, the following:
     * You cannot cobble a survival game together from the options at all.
     * 'JMP' in fact almost certainly tried to put a survival mode together, whereas your designer clearly did not. Who looks foolish now?
     * The person who wrote the reply to the question was *from the Perfect Dark team!* They *made* the game. You'd think they'd be familiar with the intricacies of the multiplayer setup, even if they didn't work on it themselves.
     * Surely there is at least one N64 and a PD cartridge in Rare HQ, probably dozens. It wouldn't have taken two minutes to check and avoid looking so deeply, deeply foolish.
     Well. If one of the people who made a game can be so utterly, fantastically, searingly wrong about that game, there's something wrong with them. In light of this, I think I might stop buying Rare games forever. Unless you release the PD push-button codes (joke).
     * Paul 'IQ 164' Taylor


Fight! Fight!
     "All right. (cracks knuckles)
     "Assuming as I did that 'Survival Mode' means No Time Limit, No Score Limit, One Life Only, I suggest that whoever wishes to play such a mode in PD should do the following:
     "1) Go to the Combat Simulator, 'Game Setup' menu;
     "2) Go to the 'Limits' menu;
     "3) Change the Score limit to 'No Limit';
     "4) Change the Time limit to 'No Limit';
     "5) Set the rest of game up (opponent settings, level, weapons, etc. as taste dictates)
     "6) Play until you die once, then quit or restart.
     "Sounds like a cobbled together survival mode to me, and I never claimed it would be anything else, as anyone but a howling idiot would recognise. It requires a certain integrity on the part of the player, but I happily assume that anyone who plays PD will possess such an attribute. Only one more thing remains to be said - should I ever meet the grossly offensive, unbelievably wrong Mr. Paul Taylor I shall shove his head so far down his oesophagus he will appear to be a dwarf with round, hairy shoulders and a brown necklace."


Dear Scribes,

     I watched a fellow playing KI Gold for the first time. He played for 5 minutes and ran to the bathroom. He was so excited that he had to crap; hard and fast. It turned out that he didn't unbuckle, because I heard him scream before he slammed the door behind him. I ran up and saw his pants just outside the door, still zipped and buckled up. He feels that Rareware as a whole should apologize, since this situation was "unavoidable". What do you think?
     Dave D

I think you should stop being so stupid and pass on my regards to Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.




Hi Scribe.

     I finished JFG ages ago, and just recently got around to playing through it again. The first time I played through, my mentality was along the lines of 'Shoot, collect guns, progress to next level'. It was the second time through that I noticed all of the extra detail that had gone into the game. (I recommend that anybody who hasn't played JFG in the last 12 months do so) There was a few things that disturbed me about JFG though...
     (Here come the inevitable numbered questions.)
     1) The fireworks that you see in the background while Vela, Juno and Lupus are walking towards the title screen look suspiciously like exploding Ants... Are they? Are these some sort of demented revenge tactics that the Jet Force teams are exacting upon the ants for trying to take over the universe?
     2) Have you got any JFG conceptual art of things that were scrapped from the final version? (That the public can see.) Or from any other Rare game for that matter?
     Thanks for your time,
     Bronzetiger


1) No, they're not. And stop saying Ants when you know as well as I do that they're Drones (despite the fantastic UK advertising slogan "Kill Ants, Save Bears" - all thanks to a classic sarcasm-taken-seriously misunderstanding).
     2) We might have. I haven't been able to find anything yet, but I'll keep rummaging around. Why specifically stuff that was axed? What's wrong with proper official artwork for the finished game, eh?


Dear Scribes,

     This is concerning the game StarFox Dinosaur Planet. Needless to say I, along with many other die-hard Fox fans, were disappointed when Miyamoto decided that the next StarFox game would be better in the hands of another company. However, I have seen many good titles from Rare, so it is not entirely bad. The game looks amazing and I'm still waiting for movies containing in-game FMVs. I hope that whatever voice actor you get to play Fox, he sounds like the original one. Fox had the best hero voice in a game; there was not a cheesier hero voice. Some of my friends share a concern so I ask this: You're not going to make Fox British are you?
     -Nikovich

Scary fact: the man voicing Fox in SFA is the man who voiced Grimshaw and Elvis in PD. But don't panic! He doesn't say "Welcome to Hacker Central" or complain about the size of his head (though we might slip in a soundbite concerning the inappropriate length of his muzzle). Here's a quote from the team:
     "No he doesn't sound British! We have worked very hard to ensure that the new Fox voice sounds very similar to the old, though you must remember that this game does take place 8 years later so it may not be exactly the same..."


Scribes...

     I was wondering, could you possibly make some piccys of Tediz or the Combat Squirrel from Conker's Bad Fur Day, or give me the link to some that already exist? They are so damn cool, and I only have the Tedi piccy that is on the Cast List in the Conker's Bad Fur Day section of the site. I want more of them so I can use them in my World Domination Plan, but I won't go into detail...
     I also have a couple of questions about GameCube games. Do you plan on making a Donkey Kong game for it like you did for the N64? A sequel to Conker's Bad Fur Day? A sequel to Perfect Dark? I hope so...
     Cheerz for your time and all the great games you've made in the past, the present, and hopefully... the future!
     ~Mole

     P.S. The site looks great, nice one!!!


Oh, I suppose we can manage a couple of bigger pictures (especially if it helps soften the blow of your other questions being completely ignored). Here's your Tediz/Tedi/whatever the singular form is, and here's your combat squirrel. Naturally we'd appreciate full credit in the event of World Domination being achieved.


In the recent update of Scribes you put both Thundercats and Transformers in italics. According to your system this means that they are either working titles or games which you may be working on in the future.
The Mighty Williamson

...or somebody else's games, or films, or books, or TV programmes...


will Winky and that funny fish and that funny snake from DK2 appear ever again? Gloomp and Springly i think they were called
DJDUDE

No, you're getting them confused with Spork and Arsepipe.


Thanks for shoving my letter in Scribes - but I didn't say "bumlookers" - what the hell did I say that you had to censor?
Stephen James Smith

I'm afraid you did say "bumlookers". No use trying to hide it now.


What face cream does The Great Mighty Poo use? It takes years off him.
Tom Gilder

Ask about the bull next time, then I can say Oil of Olay. Do you see?


In J.F.G I can't get the items to get ship parts I've got awards from each one I'm not sú%$ at games I just at games I just have a low I.Q.
RAREFAN

Ah, you couldn't make this stuff up...


Mr. Pants really looks like my dad. He should get his own cartoon where he melts people with laserbeams as he's so kewl.
Liz a.k.a. Roofoot

The staff of Rare offers its commiserations to your father.


Beanland, Beanland, the musical fruit...
-Schroe

Is the bean a fruit? Or do you mean Robin's a fruit?


I'd like to buy a Juno's Space Racing Adventure or a Jonathan Dark Speedway USA more than a Mickey's Racing Adventure or Mickey's Speedway USA.
Hoagie Impact

Jonathan Dark Speedway USA would easily be the best game ever.


Why does Shigeru Miyamoto insist on wearing that awful biff on his head, and why are Rare games so rubbish? I mean, who ever heard of a talking bear?
Disgruntled No.9, Somewhere beyond the stars

I can only assume you don't mean 'biff' in the gynaecological sense...


There is probably a parallel universe out there somewhere where you released the beta version to the public, and Scribes is crawling with hardcore nuts determined to get their hands on the final version. Ahem.
TheBeerMaster

At least that would be sort of understandable.


Jet Force Gemini: Gamecube. I request, nay, I DEMAND a sequel. Come on, you know it would be the bomb, I know it would be the bomb. Even Gimlet the pants-less hippie knows that, and he is oblivious to most non-slacks related matters.
~DidItAll4the20

Pants are not slacks. You are unworthy of Gimlet's wisdom.


Thanks for understanding us who like beautiful girls in our console games. Can you email some screenshots of some gorgeous Rare girls so I can print them out and moisten them?
Steve Boaz

Oh... my... God.