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Scribes is the wellspring from
which you flow.
When it is gone,
you will have never been

MAY 20, 2002

A Rare nite at the BAFTAs (TM)

Lieutenant Fox McCloud and a bunch of expendable mammals are trying to arrest some scrawny Breegull terrorists in Kazooie's hometown of Breegadishu, which looks like a birdcage that hasn't had the paper changed for about ten years. Unfortunately, Fox's Arwing is hit by Fire Eggs, and it crashes, killing Bottles the Mole. For the next 18 horus, the fur, guts, and feathers fly as Fox's rapidly-diminishing team mows down thousands of squawking breegulls while gradually losing members to their egg barrage. Guest starring Falco as the token avian on the squad of Jet Force commandos sent in to save Fox's butt. In the end, everyone dies, but somehow we seem to win anyway. American heartthrob Josh Hartnett provides Fox's voice, as well as his soulful, heavy eyebrows.

In the first shot, we see Mumbo Jumbo's hand holding a Polaroid photo and waving it occasionally while a shattered Ice Key slowly fades out of the picture. Mumbo then wakes up in a hotel room with two extra doubloons and no idea where he is or how he got there. Minutes later he pulls a wand out of his arse and electrocutes some annoying twerp (played with grim intensity by Bottles the Mole) in revenge for killing Mumbo's true love (Gruntilda). Mumbo now finds himself trying to complete a weird backwards platform game where he can only go in reverse chronological order -- he must open the next world before he can play the previous world. When he finally gets back to the beginning, we learn the cause of our hero's amnesia, which I can't remember, but it was really assume.

Emboldened by her nude scene in... well, in everything she's ever done, Kazooie takes on the tough, uncompromising role of an utter skank whose husband, Falco the Canary (voiced by Puff Daddy) is gassed in a coal mine, leaving her with a fat, ugly son and no prospects. Despondent, she tells her son (played by Bottles the Mole) to go play in traffic, where he gets squashed flat by a car driven by Mumbo, who costars as an incredibly ugly guy with a funny voice. After a raw, shocking sequence which shall go undescribed, Mumbo spits out some feathers, buys a gas station, and he and Kazooie kick back and eat ice cream.

MOUETTE ROUGE (look it up, Frenchy)
Banjo is a young, idealistic poet living in bohemian Bearis. After befriending a bunch of weirdos, he goes to a club called the Mouette Rouge, which is inside a gigantic windmill next to a dungheap. The Mouette Rouge's fat, mustachioed Impresario (played with verve and gusto by Boggy the Polar Bear) introduces Banjo to the squawky singing of a skinny red Breegull with an incredibly bitchy attitude and terminal tuberculosis. Banjo inexplicably falls paws over tail in love with her. Laffs and hijinks ensue; but nobody can figure out what the hell is going on because everything is structured around frantic, insanely baroque musical numbers that would give Busby Berkeley an epileptic seizure. In the end, just before an assassin with a funny hat (played with flair and panache by the dean of British acting, Mr. James Bond himself, Sir Pants) "caps" Banjo with his "gat", an asteroid fragment slams into France, killing Bottles, destroying many expensive wineries and hurling the region back into the Jurassic Age. Everyone dies. Vines grow through skeletons in jungle.

Conker is a brash young cadet who gets everyone drunk enough to believe he's a good pilot. Just as Conker manages to get Berri liquored up enough to begin to start to maybe consider taking a second look at him, the naughty Tediz launch a massive aerial bombardment. The first bomb blows up the HMS Rusty Bucket, killing Bottles the Mole. As the fur, guts, and feathers fly, Conker's fellow pilot Fox "Eyebrows" McCloud (played by American heartthrob Josh Hartnett) drags Conker off to use his "flying skills" to defend the base. Berri throws up (CGI, but strangely realistic) and puts on way too much makeup. Then she goes to the hospital to try to nurse the sick, but due to her inebriated condition everyone dies. But that's OK, because thanks to Conker's cowardice and incompetence, everyone dies anyway and we lose the war. Guest-starring Falco as Jimmy Doolittle, although he dies too.

Almost, but not quite, as bad as FOX WARS EPISODE I: THE HANDSOME MENACE. Starring American heartthrob Josh Hartnett.

Wimpy, whiny rookie Trooper Loveday (Steve Buscemi) shows up fresh out of the Jet Force academy and is immediately paired with Trooper Tusk (The Rock), a dedicated, highly decorated psychotic barbarian. As they cruise the streets in their undercover Arwing, a disagreement emerges. Trooper Loveday wishes to serve the public trust by rescuing all the cute little teddy-bear-like "Scribals" they see. Tusk wishes to run over as many Scribals as possible. He puts up with Loveday's complaints for about thirty ticks before pulling out an enormous ax and cleaving his foe, then playing football with his head until it rolls down a sewer. (Considered a lock in the Shorts category.)