Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We may even swallow our chocolate and respond.
Updated completely irregularly!
I can't be bothered changing the graphic yet. Go away.

Time for Scribes again, eh?
Give me a minute to finish my
ham and crisp sandwiches...

SEPTEMBER 11, 2000

It's been too long! Must... get... Scribes...

     We haven't killed you, have we? Because I think that would fall into the "Bad Things" category.
     Who would write our manuals then? WHO? Certainly not Botwood! All he can do is bite off Gamesharkers' toes!
     Going crazy when you're lazy,
     -Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a ¡Kablooie!, evil twin of Kazooie (Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)

Lazy? Why, I oughtta...
     Your concern for my ongoing life is appreciated - I think - but I've always said I'd do Scribes when I got some spare time, and with all these trade shows and looming game releases lately, there just hasn't been a whole lot of that to go around. Sorry and everything.
     And you'd probably be surprised by just how long it takes to put together your average, seemingly haphazard edition of Scribes, what with the hunt for official info and final approval and all that on top of the usual layout and answering bits... it usually takes at least a couple of full days. Sadly, I'm not lying.


     It's just not good enough. Look here, 'editor', I write you a letter with what I believe to be exceptionally important central message regarding Banjo-Tooie, and you latch onto a passing comment on fat men at the end, and shove it under your crab. Crabs. Then you fill up the rest of the space with letters from Tripearse and co, with their spelling mistakes, copious punctuation, and lack of point, or letters from cross-eyed chavs regarding Mr Pants. Do you want Scribes to lose all its sense of coherence and importance? Don't answer that.
     I've got sidetracked now... hang on... right: either what I said in my letter has already been said, in which case: hairy eye-holes. Or it was news to you too, and you are afraid? Tell me which - my mind is whirling like an oiled pig at a disco.
     Another thing - many moons ago there was a competition to get your face in Perfect Dark: there were no results. What happened there, eh? And I heard the frame rate is a bit miff.
     Hang on - you still haven't answered me! Is there a fat man with a blank face who can run like the wind in PD or not?
     Right, now for the gratuitous stuff that'll get this printed:
     I have come up with a rival to mr pants he is much hadder than mt pant he is called mr davis1 i hate perfecst dak you are a girl!!!? who wantds toi be aguirl grirls are rubbish!!!!??!! in goldeneey i heard you can play as Marios evil dad how???! telelme plaese i want he beta versin of Donkety eye!!!!!!???!
     Cheers Net Guy,

There were results to the PD competition, but surprisingly they were printed in the Guardian. The winner was a young lady named Michelle, and I remember because I took the obligatory picture of her with the team - I'd include it here if I had the faintest idea what I'd done with it.
     No fat man with blank face, no, but there is a fat man with a jolly face and a beard, i.e. esteemed man of the people Mr. D. Carrington. If that's not good enough, I'm sure there's some lying hacker out there who'll be only too happy to offer vehement claims that he's found a push-button code for activating Robbie Coltrane.
     Mr. Davis(1) = excellent.

Dearest big, manly Rare letter answerer,

     I wanted to say thanks for that absolutely spiffing (see, I'm down with all that British slang) Chunky render. To show my gratitude in the least messy way I could think of, I've made a pitch for your newest crossover blockbuster: PERFECT KONG.
     I've included a piece of concept art in a - oh, this'll please you! - picture attachment. Basically, this game'll satisfy all the punters that are missing out on PD perfection because they feel gay when playing as a woman, or something like that. In Perfect Kong they can let the testosterone flow as Agent Chunky, roaring, swirling, and raking up unbelievably gory kills armed with the baddest pineapple bazooka EVER. Good eh? Oh, I know.
     Perfectly yours,

Very nice. But don't you go starting with the genuine attempts at fan art - the only reason I can handle all the RPAs is because of the cheeky postmodern irony that comes with them.

Dear Scribes,

     Naturally, the moment I heard a few years back that Rare was doing a follow-up on GoldenEye, I was excited as hell. But then I started to worry - GoldenEye's "earn-the-cheat" system struck me as incredibly stupid. So, I asked myself, would the folks at Rare do it again?
     I've had Perfect Dark for a month now. It is one of the best games I've ever played in almost every respect - except one: I just don't possess the skill to unlock every cheat and/or perk. I haven't even beaten a level on Perfect Agent yet! The problem is, I spent over $90 Canadian on this game and I'm not very pleased that Rare thinks videogaming should be a chore. Beating levels in a ridiculously short amount of time to EARN cheats? Getting golds in the firing range to EARN extra guns? Uh, this is the kind of aggravation I play games to ESCAPE from.
     If Rare wanted to make the game insanely difficult for more skilled players, that's fine - I'm just sorry they seem to think the rest of us should have to tear our hair out to get our money's worth. And don't bother telling me about the GameBoy transfer-pak deal with the GBC version of PD - that's gotta be the most blatant rip-off I've ever heard of! It's "beat the time or buy the GameBoy game."
     I think Rare should get off this obsession with making players work for their fun and release button codes (if any exist) for PD - NOW, and forget this transfer-pak garbage.
     Joe M

Interesting viewpoint. Interesting in that most of the mail we get on this subject would suggest that you're part of a tiny minority, yet you still seem convinced that you speak for the masses. We're "incredibly stupid" to offer the cheat modes as a reward to increase the lifespan of the game once the basic missions have been completed, rather than just handing them over on a plate to help you ruin the game right from the start and leave you with nothing to play for once you've finished the game on its default settings? It's not as if we're depriving you of something vital to completion of the game if you can't beat the cheat times - it's just an added extra. Yet you still complain about being "ripped off" when we use the GB version to offer a different means of getting the cheats for those who can't/don't want to beat the times. Hey - it's letters like this that make it all seem worthwhile! (Sigh.)

Dear Rareware:

     I was told that British actor Tom Baker, who starred in the science-fiction series "Doctor Who," did some voice work for Perfect Dark. Can you verify this? I do not hear his voice in any of the movie sequences, so I am wondering where he is.
     Any reply would be appreciated.
     Mark Askren

Where did this rumour come from? Why is it everywhere all of a sudden? And why does everyone believe it? You'd think we'd have mentioned it at some point if we'd managed to get famous headcase and genre legend Mr. Thomas Baker in on things. No, all the voice acting was done by lowly Rare staff members, without exception. Erm, sorry.

Dear Scribes,

     I just looked up Ken Brilliant on the Internet Movie Data Base. He also worked on both the 'X-files' movie and a 1993 movie called 'Freaked' (aka Hideous Mutant Freekz) which alarmingly credits him with "first prototype eyeball suit". This is for real. You can look it up yourself.
     Rob "Muggy" Lowe
     P.S. I though you might like to know that the guy who played 006 in Goldeneye is now doing contact lens commercials in America which he boasts can "give you better than 20/20 vision."

Better than 20/20, eh? Impressive. Hideous Mutant Freekz certainly sounds like my type of film. If only I'd known about it a few years ago, I could have included it in one of the cheap themed B-movie all-nighters that we used to pull (probably the one that featured The Creeper, Creepers and Creepozoids - that was a classic).

Dear Scribes,

     Browsing old copies of 'N64 magazine' for information on a old game I had bought, I saw a surprising preview of Jet Force Gemini. Now before you say 'Hold the buses!' I was already aware of the old character design, and aside from wondering where the order came from to change the characters designs to inferior 'adult' models (rumours suggest Nintendo HQ), I was most disturbed by the mention of a plasma gun.
     Now, ardent fans of JFG like myself know that the most arse (had to get it in somewhere) gun in the entire game is the Plasma Shotgun. Technically the pistol is worse, but when my Machine Gun ammo runs out I hate the inaccuracy and entire feel of the sub standard Plasma-me-do.
     The magazine (dated July 99) states 'a Ghostbusters-influenced plasma gun that holds spasming victims in its neon streamers until they expire'. Looking at the Plasma Shotgun, it bears similarities to Bill Murray's piece. The shotgun does emit neon streamers, and has a charging mechanism that rings true with the Slimer legacy.
     Why was this function taken out of the game? And if you're going to take out something as patently great as a Ghostbusters gun, why replace it with something more useless than Mr. Blonde's henchmen?
     Incidentally, I might have broken protocol by addressing this to Scribes, and not Uncle Tusk, so I better ask something that'll go with 'vibe' of Scribes. You know, comments or questions that consistently come back, emails from annoying anal retentives with actual queries about 'classics' like Taboo (anal - I missed a chance to say arse. Damn. Arse, there goes another. Note to self - report theft of the DELETE key to police, and hopefully it'll be RETURNED when they catch the SCROLL LOCK who @~ed it).
     Oh yes, that question. Any chance of a Game Boy version of Mr. Pants 64?
     Stephen Fingleton
     P.S - Seriously though, Rare mightn't want to risk millions developing an N64 title revolving around a British ad joke with the Yanks wondering 'But he doesn't wear any pants.' But Game Boy games, I mean, how many people work on them? A five year old to draw the sprites, and a fifteen year old to hack it in Q Basic. Come on my son - it's a possibility! We should start a petition. Yale for Mr Pants GB!

A Game Boy version of Mr. Pants 64 would have to be called something like Mr. Pants Pocket, which evidently doesn't bear thinking about. And our entire Game Boy department (combined age 27) are on their way round to kick you in the shins as we speak.
     Isn't it obvious what happened to the 'Ghostbusters gun'? The weapons weren't given final names until quite a late stage, so up until that point the Shocker was loosely referred to as a 'plasma gun' - then the simple shotgun became the Plasma Shotgun and we had to call the 'plasma gun' something else. See?
     Anyway, the old Plasma Shotgun's a bit handy for picking off those inconvenient Zombie Drones, you've got to give it credit for that.

Dear Person,

     Last week I snuck into BBC (British Broadcasting Company) and found footage of the pilot for Star Pants: The Next Reiteration, I have even managed to get a screenshot of the show featuring Mr. Pants as the captain. After seeing this I have to ask if Rare has anything to do with it and if the BBC is planning on making a full blown television show. Do you think this show will make it to the US? And could this mean that the secret Mr. Pants Dolphin game being worked on by Rare is indeed a Space themed game? The footage I found was only of Captain Pants turning in a mission log to his superior but is it possible that other Rareware characters showing up in the show? How did I get into a British building when I am in the USA?
     Answer these questions for all your fans, do not try to deny the truth!
     Bearer of truth,

Hang on - his eyes are level, and so are his nipples! And his pants have shrunk! Mind, that could be down to the extra weight of those rank badges... no, no, the evidence is too strong: you're an impostor! Get out of here! Mr. Pants in space is an absolutely stupid idea! I mean, really...
     *Frantically tears up preliminary sketches of Darth Skids*

Dear Scribes,
     I've been living in Japan for two years now, subsisting on the meager diet of non-Pokemon games released over here. The import versions of Banjo-Kazooie, Jet Force Gemini (a.k.a. Star Twins), and Donkey Kong 64. Just one question: Are there any plans to release Banjo-Tooie (a.k.a. Banjo-Tsugi) in Japan? I've seen no mention of it in recent release lists.
     Conker's BFD is coming out, according to the monthly magazines, but it's still listed as Conker's Quest and I wonder if the Japanese know what they're getting themselves into.

Banjo-Tooie's being translated into Japanese as we speak, so unless someone's just doing it for their own personal amusement, a Japanese release could well be on the cards. Not so sure about BFD: as far as I know, NCL are playing it thoroughly before making a decision on whether to go for a Japanese launch... I can't wait to see the translators try to get their heads around the Scouse dung beetles.

Dear people who pinch their noses while saying "Welcome to Hacker Central,"

     I s'pose I'd better start my letter off with a list, or else it might tossed aside as junk mail.
     (1) Do you pinch your noses when you say "welcome to Hacker Central?"
     (2) Is a JFG sequel in the works for Dolphin?
     (3) After Dark. Hmm... What could it be (scratches head).
     (4) Are you willing to forgive GIKGs (Gameshark Ice Key Grabbers) by allowing them to get their eggypoos in BT?
     (5) You should have killed off Cranky Kong instead of Wrinkly! It's sexism, that's what it is! Poor old bat... (Grabs a hanky)
     David Noonan
     P.S. I hold my nose when I say it too.

1. I don't think so, no. That would be cheating.
     2. Not in the works right now, but maybe in the future.
     3. Well, you know, if you want to believe it's that straightforward...
     4. Remains to be seen how forgiving the team itself will be.
     5. It was probably more to do with "we need a ghost character - quick, who's old?"

Dear Scribes,

     We love your games and can't wait for Banjo-Tooie, Dinosaur Planet but please keep the text optional in your new games because my little 8yr old twins have improved 200% with their reading skills since playing Banjo Kazooie, Zelda, Yoshi Story, Mario Party 1&2, and Donkey Kong 64. Over the holidays they hardly do any reading because we usually buy a new game and the teachers were amazed at how much their reading has improved. Mothers don't feel so guilty when their children spend hours playing games.

You see? Videogames will cure the world's ills, reform humanity and bring about the rise of Utopia. Well, they might. Anyway, DP and Tooie are both stuffed with on-screen text antics, as is Conker's BFD, but, er... maybe your 8-year-olds should avoid that one for now.

Dear person that never updates the letters page called Scribes:

     I was greatly un-inspired by the not-so-magnificent work of the musician for Mr. Pants 64 (Yumblie, I believe it was). So, I decided to show him up with an even better tune, and, hopefully, you guys will let me do the composing for that game.
     The music I have attached is for the rumoured "Flatulence Mnt." level. I spent a whole half-hour on it! If you like it I can definitely send you more tunes when I know more about the levels and their themes.
     Hmmm, what else do I have besides rubbish MIDI attachments... OH! Questions!
     1: When is Nintendo gonna stop shifting release dates? I want Banjo-Tooie NOW!! Why is the release date being pushed up by Nintendo? (Stupid PR people.)
     2: Speaking of Banjo-Tooie, have you taken my suggestion about rubber chickens? If you haven't, there should be some kind of special rubber chicken character or object or bonus mode.
     3: Who is doing the music for Conker's BFD? What other games has he/she worked on? What does it sound like? I'm thinking that the musician should drink a lot so he/she can come up with the best flatulent music ever (music just like Hailfire Peaks).
     4: So, David Wise is composing for Dino Planet? Hmm, didn't he do the music for Donkey Kong Country? The music sure does sound like it (and in the credits of DKC it says "David W." I beat the game just to see).
     5: This is actually a serious question that needs a serious answer. I'm very interested in becoming a musician for video games, actually, Rareware games. What do I need to do to become one? What kind of examples of my work do you need for me to prove myself to the top-dogs at Rare and Nintendo? And finally, are there actually open positions at Rareware for musicians? (I say you can never have too many musicians.)
     6: Oh, darn, I'm out of questions. I guess I'll have more to bother you with next time.
     Kenneth B.
     PS. Put rubber chickens into Banjo-Tooie. Diminished Arse Major (just assurance this letter will get printed, naturally).

Not Kenny B of easy-listening saxophone fame? Oh no, hang on, that's Kenny G.
     1. Calm down. It's not easy trying to pin down a definite gap in the production schedule that we can absolutely, definitely have a final version ready for when the game's still being debugged.
     2. Rubber chickens went out with Hale and Pace, man.
     3. Our esteemed BFD musician's last project was Jet Force Gemini, which should tell you all you need to know, but he was also the man behind some of those kickin' KI choonz.
     4. Yup.
     5. We're not actively hiring musicians at the moment, but when we do, we like to receive as diverse a selection of tunes as possible (to which we'll reply with more specific pre-interview requests if we're interested).
     Here's a few quick guidelines from one of our musicians for future reference: "Everybody at Rare goes through a trial period anyway and we would expect new musicians to be able to use a PC and a PC-based sequencer package like Cubase, have some familiarity with sampling and samplers, and above all have a good set of ears. Melody is the most important thing."

Dear Sc ibes,
     How a e you? I must say that the quality of the Sc ibes section neve ceases to amaze me. And I mean that in a good way, too. But alas, I fea that the M Pants saga has gone on fo fa too long. Isn't it time that somebody took some pet ol and a naked flame to his unde wea to elieve the poo little fella of his mise able existence? Afte all, would you like to spend each day getting laughed at by people who think pictu es of you in you unde wea a e funny? I tell you, f om my own expe ience, it's not as fun as it might seem. In fact, you could kill him off in She lock Holmes kind of way: tumbling off a cliff face into a massive abyss while attempting to finally beat his a ch-enemy, M Pie.
     Anyway, must go now. I've got a docto s appointment, y'see: I can't sit down 'cause someone's stolen my Rs. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! GEDDIT? EH? SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY ARSE!! AHAHAHAH *ack* AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
     Seriously, help me, I'm mental.
     P.S How about a Mr Meekat?

I feel cheated after reading through that and then realising it was all just a build-up to a particularly crap punchline. It's not even anatomically accurate: you could still sit down without an arse, you'd just be a bit lower than usual. Probably.
     PS Wasn't he in Rentaghost?

Rear Scribes,

     I've just been playing your latest masterpiece on the combat simulator using just remote mines, and to my joy I discovered that the mines stick to people. I've had so much fun experimenting with these new super sticky mines, and I've made a list of the best things to do:
     1) Throw a proxy mine on someone then run. When they try to open a door or go near another person, BOOOOOM.
     2) Throw two mines onto someone's arse for buttock extensions.
     3) Repeat the above on the chest of a female character to, erm...
     4) Throw on the top of someone's head to make a hat.
     5) Throw a timed mine onto someone to make a walking time bomb.
     Look how much fun you can have now thanks to these sticky mines. My thanks goes out to the programmer who put this into the game. Oh yeah, when will Americans start saying aluminium properly? It is NOT aluminum. Try saying nium, nium. Yo better say it properly and drink yo milk or I'll throw yo foo's hulluva far.
     P.S. Did you know that some people eat chicken's arse, and stranger still, it's called a parson's nose?

You can also provide the guards with attractive early 80s Cameo-style codpieces, which is worth a few minutes of anyone's time. And I think Americans do actually spell the word as 'aluminum', so unfortunately their pronunciation is correct - it's just their spelling that's all over the place.
     PS And the most unsettling thing of all is that it doesn't taste any different to the rest of the chicken... I'd imagine.


     I thought it would be funny for an American to greet a Brit in French. Oh well, guess it isn't. Anyway to the main point of this letter: It is truly the little things in your games (and all video games for that matter) that make them special and put them one step above the rest. I truly admire the slight bit of buoyancy that the designers of Jet Force Gemini gave to Vela. And I am not talking about her special ability (though I suppose it might be called that.) Stupidly put: she jiggles. I truly did not appreciate the physics engine of this understated masterpiece until I happened to walk Vela up against the camera. Who was in charge of Vela's animation? I want to know whose hand to shake if I ever take a trip across the pond.
     There is one thing about the game that bothers me: these same rules of physics also seem to apply to the female Tribal. Whose smart arsed idea was that? I suppose the designers were aiming for a wider demographic than I had ever expected a video game would be aimed at. Then again, I really don't want to know anymore on that subject.
     OK that's it for the main part, time for the P.S.-ing to begin.
     Keep up the good work,
     Professor Knütszach
     P.S. The Beatles kick everyone's arse.
     P.P.S. So do the Traveling Wilburys. Anyone who says otherwise is a jackarse.
     P.P.P.S. I heard that a Diddy Kong Racing track (Greenwood Village) was in JFG; this isn't a rumour (spelled British just for you) this is something I saw on the OFFICIAL Jet Force Gemini website. How do I access it?
     P.P.P.P.S. Vela kicks the excrement out of Lara Croft's sorry arse any day of the week, hands down.

Bore da, Professor. Ah, if only you knew the full story behind Vela's carefully-modified jiggle. It's actually been toned down quite a bit, because when the character models were 'aged', the modelling software amplified the amount of jiggle - previously barely noticeable - to a degree which the designer can only describe as "ludicrous". So the amount you see today is a mere fraction of what it once was. The team denies noticing any kind of jiggle on the female Tribals, and to be honest I can't say I ever did either, so you're obviously looking a bit harder than you should be (and/or hallucinating).
     Greenwood Village: beat the top times on both Jeff & Barry Racing games. What am I, Uncle Tusk?

Hey Scribos,

     I was at school today struggling through a disgustingly boring maths lesson when an announcement came over the speaker: "Would Sean Williamson report to the general office please?, Sean Williamson to the general office". I was dumbstruck. Could it be that the infamous Sean Williamson is a fellow Aussie? Even one living in the same city as me? Rest assured I will investigate this situation and find out if this is THE Sean Williamson, and if necessary I'll smack him in the head with a baby fennel. Whatever the hell that is. May the Arse be with you...
     Fuzznut Whizzgerbil

You could have easily found out right there and then simply by dashing out of the lesson and looking for someone milling around with an expression of confused alarm, trying to work out who was talking to him.
     That's two possible sightings now, one in the US and one in Australia... I should get one of those big maps they use for tracking serial killers in films and start little sticking flags in it. Flags with a nice little dunce's hat 'D' motif, maybe.

Hey Rare dudes!
     Finally a (boring) Scribe that makes sense and isn't full of arse jokes! Firstly: Perfect Dark is 'ok' but Jet Force Gemini is WAY better. Probably due to the lack of Pants in PD. Anyway I was bored one day so I made this rubbish picture attachment for dudes who like South Park and Pants. Arse.
     P.S: I asked this before but you ignored it - in the Ship parts screen in JFG Vela's hatch key says 'Sllows Vela to access her pod'. You're gonna say you did that on purpose, right? :)

I warned them, you know - I said "If you don't put Mr. Pants in, there'll be a massive consumer backlash". But did they listen? Tsk. Anyway, thanks for the RPA. You know how I love them.
     PS We've been through this in the Forums. Dunno how it happened. Must have been an arse-up on the part of whoever entered the text into the game at this end, but I'm not planning on confronting the person I feel is responsible because... well, because he's quite hard.

Greetings from the realms of stupidity,

     Every month it seems that Scribes gets further and further from anything resembling a letters column for a videogaming website, so in accordance with this, half of my questions are not serious. Guess which ones for 5 points and a Kit-Kat bar (although the postage from Australia for a chocolate bar may provide a problem):
     1. In PD, how do I earn the right to have more than 1 simulant buddy with me in co-op?
     2. How come the soldiers call Elvis and Mr. Blonde "her"? Couldn't a method similar to that of the language filter have been used to remove all references to women for the two levels where Blonde and Elvis are used - it could have been called Tripedox mode.
     3. Who is responsible for Challenge 18, and could you flick him/her on the ear for me?
     4. Is beetroot an acceptable sandwich ingredient?
     5. How many times must Mr Pie be shot in Mr. Pants 2000?
     6. Any chance of including this little gem in one of your upcoming games, Jetpac and DK arcade style?
     7. Do you find it disturbing (as I do) that the lead singer from the Australian band Savage Garden (I cringe with embarrassment as I type) will be playing a role in the next Star Wars movie?
     8. With Dino Planet, what is the deal with the characters' age - in the character sketches they seemed adult, but in the screens they seem childlike. Please explain...
     9. Do you think that the Sydney Olympic torch looks a bit silly? I do.
     10. Which gold medals on the targeting range correspond to which classic weapons? Cruising the net has proved unhelpful (all I can find is "get all golds"), even the almighty IGN64. Oh, and curses to the person resonsible for that giving up a gun thing in the Battle Shrine - it took me a long time to work out, and when I finally worked out what to do, I accidentally gave up my Callisto NTG - ouch.
     Connell Wood

You know what this calls for. Yup - extensive pressuring of Mr. Designer Boy to answer the whole bally lot, even the ones that don't relate to his game. And you can keep your Kit Kat, we've already got plenty of them...
     "1. Play through the multiplayer challenges...
     "2. Some kind of feminist crackdown on personal pronouns.
     "3. Some of the challenges are hard, yes, but there is often a way to do them.
     "4. To sandwich eaters who like beetroot, yes.
     "5. Never lasted long enough to find out.
     "6. Probably not.
     "7. I thought they were French until I was corrected during a pub quiz. I've never got over it.
     "8. I don't know, I'm not working on the project." (You scamp. - Ed)
     "9. It looks like a horn. Or a very large example of the clicky things that you light gas ovens with.
     "10. Work it out yourself... keep going back and checking or something."

Hello, Scribes:

     A few weeks ago, I took a not-so-subtle swipe at the somewhat underwhelming multiplayer modes of some of the N64 games of late in between other rants in a letter I didn't at all expect to be published. I was trying to be funny, or offbeat, I think, but now my JFG and DK64 cartridges are shunning me, despite my professed appreciation for their classic one player modes.
     I can only offer the sincerest apologies, because, baby, I didn't mean it. Not one word. I don't want you goin' off to sleep mad, thinking I said something that from the bottom of my heart I did not mean... I love you, baby. I never want to let you go.
     Also, I have no idea how you understood that barely comprehensible letter, but this one's worse.
     T Reiley

It's too late, man. You've just thrown away all that sweet third-person love, and it's gonna take more than honeyed words to get it back. Ain't no easy way out for a low-down dog like you, know what I'm sayin'?

Dear Grimshaw's drinking buddy,

     I have found that the arse grabbing movement that the Carrington Institute gents like to do (actually almost everyone in the game does), makes the performer move a step forward. This proves to be very, very, very bad for Foster, the guy in the firing range; if you point him at the glass door which leads into the range (by facing him from the door), he will slowly proceed into the range. Now you can finally practice the close combat moves in the firing range. Yes, Foster is invincible kids, but he doesn't like knives and arrows (they make him bleed and make him dizzy). Also, it was silly of the PD team to think they could contain the weapons of Perfect Dark in one room. You can hold the door open with either: (1) Yourself, (2) The Hovercrate found in the hanker, or (3) Foster himself. It was a bad idea to include the Hovercrate in the Institute because it is so mobile (you can take it anywhere in the building), and it holds remote mines. Ah yes, happy was the day I found out I could cover the box with mines and carry it up to old Danny for a big surprise later when I returned to the range to detonate the mines. When I came back, the lights in the room were out and Daniel turned to me and said "Please don't do that Joanna... it worries me." The crate is also good for holding doors open. There is no way to make a CamSpy happier then by holding the Device Lab door open with a Hovercrate, allowing the little bugger access to the entire Institute (Note: if you try holding one of the upper floor doors with the crate and then try to shoot a fly-by-wire missile through it, the door will be shut when your missile gets there, and shut for good, thanks to the crate, which is now stuck in it).
     Now hold it there Ed, before you run off and say I'm rubbing in all the glitches I found, I'd like to say this is a tremendous game, and the testing department did a splendid job. I mean, you wouldn't find N-bombs in the firing range, and you can't take weapons out of the range (besides mines). I bet the Hovercrate was a last minute thing, as the game was rushed to the stores. Thank them all for a great game, and tell the guy whose face they used for Foster I'm sorry for sticking knives and arrows through his mug.
     P.S. You're the voice-over of Grimshaw aren't you?
     P.S.S. Oh, come on, Daniel?
     P.S.S.S. Foster? (If so, I'm sorry, I'm sure I pierced the voice box too.)
     P.S.S.S.S. Wait, wait I'll answer my own question, you're the voice-over for nobody (as long as Mr. Pants isn't in the final game).

Mr. Designer blabs: "Hangar is spelt 'hangar', not 'hanker'. And yes, if you are clever/persistent/lucky/a Gameshark owner, you can discover many features within the game that others who are stupid/flighty/cursed by fate/not Gameshark owners will not. It was the case with GoldenEye, and it added to the game. It is hoped that this adds to Perfect Dark too."
     PS-PPPPS No, no, no... yes. Well done.

Dear Scribes,
     Boy, those Fearnalls in the last Scribes were a bit scary. I expected them to call you a doirty boirdy, tie you to a bed and hobble you, unless you brought that witch thing back to life for the next Banjo thing. Don't go driving in the snow.
     What I really wanted to ask was if Donkey Kong's grunting was done by Fat Harry White who drives a softtop Bedford Rascal on the radio. It definitely sounds like him.
     P.S. How do you send this thing now? I'll have to work it out before my girlfriend gets back as she'll think I'm a right sad tw*t for looking at Nintendo stuff instead of pornography.

I've no idea what you're talking about with the Fat Harry White thing, but I had to print your letter because the PS made me laugh. And you'll notice that Gruntilda has been brought back to life for the sequel, so draw your own conclusions (he muttered, wheeling himself awkwardly away).

Dear Scribes,

     You in the last edition of Scribes:
     "GoldenEye's Facility level was based on a scene from the film, while the Aztec and Temple levels were completely original."
     I think by now you can see what I'm getting at. While it is possible that you simply typed Aztec instead of Complex and it was all an honest mistake, I prefer to believe that you accidentally revealed that the Aztec stage is a hidden multiplayer level in PD.

Bugger. Simple slip of the tongue, I'm afraid. There I was, thinking that the two non-Facility GoldenEye levels going into PD were the extra one-player levels opened up after the Cradle, i.e. the ones that weren't in the film. Consider me ritually flagellated.

Dear Scribes,

     Some people just never appreciate your work - reading the review at www.gameplay.com for PD, I couldn't help noticing "Perfect in every way. Except for the manual, which I've burnt" and "No. It's not perfect. The manual is rubbish." These are fairly high contenders for the 'top quote' section in Archives, surely?
     Doubtless a dribbling fool unworthy of attention but it seems your job description in Scribes passim makes it look like this particular d.f. has a personal grudge. Alas I cannot comment on the allegations because I live in Blighty with my PAL, and can't get PD for another week. The wait means more time to play Pants2000 at work (inspired stuff - esp. the cityscape with London Buses, Eiffel Tower & hypermarket all at once while dodging old BBC-B style monitors) and JFG at home (finally got round to buying it).
     Anyway - a weird question. On the 'pictures of Twycross' bit, I saw what looked like a floating pontoon / quay thingy outside. Do you all go boating in between designing levels, writing (rubbish) manuals (for fuel) and pouring scorn upon AOL users, or just drown eejits & hide the bodies there?
     Nothing useful to say - I'll go back trying to forgive Phil Neville (two first names & two left feet). Apologies to the septics who won't understand that. I'd normally feel sorry for them - after all they don't have a clue about the meaning of 'Bobbins' nor 'Lush', and can't buy mild or IPA anywhere. But they don't have to put up with Paul Daniels, Richard and Judy, and didn't bloody lose to Romania.
     Oh yeah. When's the next Win Stuff, eh, you gurt slack lummox. Your adoring manual-burning public needs more junk.
     Mike A

Leave me alone! First the PD/GoldenEye multiplayer levels fiasco, and now this...
     We did the best we could with the arsing manual, but there was just so much stuff jam-packed into the game that it was never very clear which descriptions would end up being included on-screen and which would have to be crowbarred into the documentation - which, combined with the inevitable three-or-four-months-before-release manual deadline, made it all a bit tricky. So there. Now stop forcing me to justify myself, you... you... you big bullies!
     As for the pier thing, people tend to wander out there at lunchtime or after hours in summer, and it got pretty crowded during last year's eclipse (but there's still no sign of the hilarious structural collapse I've been waiting for all this time).

Dear (insert some funny adjectives) editor,

     I hope to make this your first grammar-perfect lettar... (Oh well, nice try. - Ed )
     I recently had a arse-sighting... that didn't sound right.
     I was reading 'Battlefield Earth', the book with the awful movie conversion, and after about two weeks of reading I came upon an interesting name. It seems this author tries to make up wierd names for aliens. Rogodeter Snowl for one. But during an interesting portion of the book (on page 761), I read a name and was laughing for... minutes. The name being Roof Arsebogger... no joke. That is perhaps the funniest use of the word arse yet. It seems the author read Scribes one too many times and had arse on the mind. Roof Arsebogger...
     That is the conclusion of my pointless letter that most likely won't get read by Scribe readers. Just keep in mind; even best-selling authors have a sense of humor... Arsebogger.
     Viper119 Arsebogger

Either that or it really was unintentional and Mr. Hubbard was a bit of a mentler. I avoided the film like the plague and I'm more into crappy pulp fantasy novels than hardcore sci-fi, so I'll have to take your word for it...

Dear Scribes,

     I know you can't tell us whether Mr. Blonde survived Perfect Dark and where he is now, and whether or not he is scheming up something new for P.D.2, but I am curious about his rank. Does Mr. Blonde hold a high rank among the Skedar, and hence is the ringleader of the conspiracy to control the Cetan ship and its megaweapon, or do the Skedar employ some sort of insect-like hive mentality, and all Mr. Blondes are generic and totally interchangeable? To put it simply, is there one Mr. Blonde who is the badass-est of all the Mr. Blondes?
     I live in America, and I am curious about what Perfect Dark looks like over there. I found it interesting, but also disturbing to be playing in American settings. Although it was just a game, I found it creepy to be killing C.I.A. agents and F.B.I. agents as well as dataDyne goons and base guards with dopey American accents. Was anything changed within the content of the game from the American to the European version? Does the European version contain the exact same settings, story, and voice-acting? For instance, the Chicago level could just as easily have been set in London.
     Also, will non-English versions of the game use the English voices with subtitles, or will new voices be recorded in other languages?
     Big Rare Fan,
     Matt Still, Scottsdale Arizona

Yes, I'd imagine people living in London often wake up in the morning, look out of the window and think "Bugger me! I'm in Chicago."
     Let's get some official storyline gubbins from the horse's mouth:
     "The Mr. Blonde hologram is a generic disguise, so they all look the same. The guy in the cutscene that follows the crash site level is almost certainly a leader, as is the Mr. Blonde in the 'Mr. Blonde's Revenge' level. The game voices and settings are exactly the same from version to version; the subtitles are the things that change for regional languages. New voices will not be recorded. Unless the temptation to do an Australian language version becomes too great ('Are yer hurt, mate?' 'Strewth, it's a Sheila with a gun!!' etc.)"

Dear Video Game Gods (well, thats what I call you anyway!)

     I was bored and I read the Scribes page lots, so I decided to write. Or type, whatever you consider it! I know this is a really long letter but oh well. I'm a fan of BK and looking forward to Banjo-Tooie. (You guys really picked a cool name for the sequel.) I'm always looking for new screen shots. One I wasn't sure of, was with Klungo, and the three witches with Mumbo watching in the distance. I had no idea that the really skinny one was Grunty until a while ago. (Wow, being trapped under that rock really made her thin!) But, what I really wanted to know and has nothing to do with either Banjo game, what is your favorite Nintendo 64 game that you guys did not make (example - Mario Kart.) Just curious. I like all Rare games. I swear if you guys teamed up with Nintendo to make, say a Mario game, it would be so cool.

Buggered if I'm organising a comprehensive poll of every single staff member, so there's no such thing as 'Rare's Official Favourite Game' - but judging by the reactions of various people I've collared as they came wandering past my office, the obvious candidate would be Zelda (though surprisingly few people have seen it right through to the end). Or there's Smash Bros. if you're talking sheer longevity, and personally I'd still rate Mario 64 as one of (if not the) best.

Wassup Scribes,

     Hi there, I'm just writing to let you know some demands my boss and his goons want fulfilled. In case you didn't know, my boss is Mr. Trout, or aba Fish as they like to call him in the cult.

     *****Begin Trout Transmission*****
     Dear Mr. Loveday and the rest of the world, This is Mr. Trout, the sworn rival to Mr. Pants. I have my own cult and my popularity is soaring. There are already thirty members in the cult that have joined via the Internet ALONE. (Not including those I recruited from off-line, of course.) So, Pants is growing weak. You will not prevail, Mr. Pants! Fish will beat Pants any day! And so, with the advice of my high counsel and Mecha Mr. Ed, my personal advisor, I am prepared to face Mr. Pants in a duel. Magnums at twenty paces, perhaps?
     Mr. Trout, aka aba Fish, aka Slim Fishy
     *****End Trout Transmission*****

     Well, that's it. Now, I'm off of work for the rest of the day, so I think I'll go down to the mall and shop with my girlfriends and my boyfriend for clothes and makeup. Oh, and of course, accessories.
     Celestine Kane, the personal secretary of Mr. Trout
     P.S. What do you think, Mr. Webmaster Guy, about 'N Sync? I think they're the greatest! I can't wait for their new album this autumn!

I was totally convinced that N'Sync would reign forever as Worst Band In The World, until Scooch went and showed up. You probably haven't come across the lovely Scooch yet. I envy you so much it hurts.
     And you'll never beat Mr. Pants in a gunfight because he has the advantage of being 2D, meaning he only has to turn to the side for bullets to zip harmlessly by. So I suppose he would have slightly unbalanced the character roster if he'd appeared in Perfect Dark, come to think of it. Not that I'm intending to ever forgive them for leaving him out.

Dear I-can't-be-arsed-to-think-of-an-oh-so-witty-introduction- to-my-incessant-ramblings,
     Mr. Pants 2000. The name brings me to tears. (Actually the freaks who are obsessed with a big fat man wearing fashionable under(are)wear are starting to worry me). Upon seeing the Mr. Pants 2000 link, I smiled inwardly at myself and downloaded. After playing for hours and hours, I finally managed to achieve a score of 81050 (hah!).
     However, I am not here to boast about how great I am (although I am actually really great). I am here to let you know that I have stumbled upon on a BLATANT marketing ploy that you should be proud of. You see, if you press P on level 2 of Mr. Pants 2000 (which I presumed would be pause), that once-black board at the bottom left of your screen begins to flash, displaying the message: BUY PERFECT DARK!!!!!! over and over and over again.
     I think you should send Chris Allcock (the programmer, for all you non-Pants fans) a lolly and a large piece of fish (preferably halibut) for being nice and commanding all the Pants people to go and buy the wonderfulness that is PD.
     I have to go now - I don't know why, but I just do. So there.
     @llan a.k.a. Bacardiboy
     P.S. As you might have noticed, I have taken great care not to use the word a*se at all. Refreshing, non?
     P.P.S. Can I have a halibut too? They taste nice with whipped cream and tomato soup. Mmmmm...

Nothing like a few of those hidden secrets to keep you playing, eh? Mind, we were privy to this delicate information right from the start, being influential industry bigwigs and that.
     So what's the verdict on the latest Pants adventure? Oh, hang on, you haven't seen it yet. Allow me to surreptitiously rearrange the page so that it becomes the next letter down...

Dear Scribes,

     Despite its belated release in good old Blighty, I've got myself one of these here new-fangled Perfect Dark things and must say I'm impressed. No, make that amazed. Stunned. Guns, aliens and fresh cheese. Does a nicer combination exist? Who did Elvis' voice, by the way? I actually find him funny, in kind of the same way I find Mr Pants funny. Speaking of which, 'inspired' by Mr Pants 2000, I got hold of the Games Factory and had a go myself... you can download the results here. It's 1.3mb, but thoroughly worth it. Honest...
     But, that aside, what's all this nonsense about destroying the Mr Pants phenomenon in its prime? I admit, most of the picture attachments in Scribes aren't exactly hilarious, but that's the point, isn't it? If they were funny, well drawn or something, they'd be called quality picture attachments, fergoddsake.
     Still, I'm at least in agreement about the whole Twiglets thing. Ick and indeed poo. Twiglets stink.
     The Cussing Snake
     PS. Hah! A Scribes letter with none of this PS guff. Sh*t.

A second quality entry into the Pants canon - who'd have thought it? Ultimately less replay value than Pants 2000, it has to be said, but more overall ambition and of course some of the best sound effects of all time. And this is only level one. Roll on level two and the quest for Salt & Vinegar Discos, I say. Are you listening, Mr. Snake?

Dear bug-eyed stalker,

     I've noticed someone with a notepad feverishly writing notes in the shadows for the past couple of years. Now with the release of PD I know it was one of your flunkies. How do I know this? It's all revealed in your games.
     Blast Corps: An uncanny simulation of me going for my driver's licence, motorcycle licence and giant robot licences. Sure you changed the plot from Jon cruising for chicks to saving a city from nuclear destruction but the gameplay is the same.
     DK64: After going through puberty for a third time I became shipwrecked on a magical island. While again you changed the plot and added some evil characters, the locations and DK bear a scary likeness to my ordeal.
     PD: I work at a supermarket which sports excellent lighting effects and dynamic sound. Also at this supermarket is a girl named Jo. While she doesn't appear to be a secret agent she does seem to be annoyed by me.
     Anyway I've decided not to send my lawyers in, and will settle out of court if you make a Mr. Pants game that will run on my cash register. Basically it'll run the same as the cash register normally does, but it will print every item as arse on the docket. Thank you for your time, and call off your people at once. If I even hear about you releasing a game about my drunken exploits I'll be back.

But we're all set to announce Waking Up In A Shop Doorway With A Mouthful Of Congealed Vomit 64. You're not going to make us can it now, are you?
     Don't be fooled by Jo in the supermarket. If she appeared to be a secret agent, she'd be a bit of a crap one all round, let's face it. She's just waiting for the signal before she decides whether or not you're a fellow agent: all you have to do to gain her trust is get on the conveyor belt, stick the barcode reader up your arse and moon her. No, really.

Will Jinjos be in Banjo-Tooie? If so, they didn't get captured again did they? If they did and get captured again in Banjo-Threeie, they can join Free Willy in the Dumb Captives hall of fame.

No, they didn't get captured. They got... er... startled.

I'm sure there's a good reason it says "1994 - The Future" in the new games sections, please do tell.
Lee Brewington

It means "1994 TO The Future", not "1994 IS The Future", you div.

Does the American Independence Day make you angry?
Zachary Steven Houp

Absolutely steamingly incandescent with fury.

This has bothered me for years... What does the 'J' in J-Bomb stand for?

I think we originally had 'Jet' in mind. Very boring. Sorry.

i realy want to be a guard but i have no money but im am a very snicky person i would be a very good guard. so what should i do?

Sign up with AOL... oh, you have.

In the hangar in Perfect Dark, the computer says the inertia of the hover crate is decreased, when in actuality it is increased. If it had less inertia, when you push it, it wouldn't keep moving, it would slow down real fast.
Roy Wall

OooooOOOOO! *Raises handbag*

When that guy wrote in discussing Perfect Dark's similarities to Ghost in the Shell, why didn't you delve into the humorous potential of the title spelling "gits" (which anime sods mostly are)?
Argon Aspen

Because that would have been the work of an ungentlemanly cad.

Were those American voice actors in Blast Corps? They don't sound British at all. And why are they all cross-eyed? Which character do I play as in Blast Corps?

Yes; because they're not; extreme stress; nameless driver bloke.

I have anal pains from playing Perfect Dark, why is this?
Peter Hills

No idea, but be sure not to tell us if you find out.

I'm curious, just what exactly is Mr. Blonde's first name? Is it, JAMES??? Ha ha ha ha ha, cough cough. Hm.
Yopwig the Mighty Carpark

The front door's that way.

I just thought of something really cool!! DP is an anagram of PD!!!!

The mystical insights are coming thick and fast today...

My name is Garry Haywood. I think I left my llama in your office.
-Garry Haywood

Yeah, and it was bloody uncomfortable - oh, right, office.

Did you know that the Japanese name for Koffing (pokemon #109) is Dog Arse? The funny thing is I'm serious. I have a sound file to prove it.

The Japanese version of Smash Bros. must be a laugh a minute.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Give me the cheats for Perfect Dark... or I'll cave your head in."

So that's what happened to Mr. Pie...

As a suggestion I think the next person to send in a Mr Pants thing should be a) Burned at the stake as a heretic b) Shot in a firing range as a traitor or c) Hanged as a felonist.
~Brian Zohner

Hanged as a what?

Steer clear of Taboo at all costs! I pray that no one will ever have to go through the horror of playing it. Even Mr. Pants 2000 is a vastly superior game.
Chris Lundgren

Mr. Pants 2000 is vastly superior to most games.

Why do you bother doing scribs? Does it give you perverted humer?
Jonathan Melton

For the raw pleasure of dealing with such fine chaps as yourself.

can you find Oodjob in Caverns without the 24 cheats and if you can is he armed what kind of weapon those he have. And can you kill him

Yes. Yes, Oodjob's there. Watch out! He's got a cocktail stick!

It's true! Cranky mentions Mr. Pants in Donkey Kong Country! You sly developers, you. Who would've known you'd come up with the character that early in Rareware.net history?
Jed West

Yeah, and he's a playable character if you break that crate, etc.

Is the R-Tracker a Rare Tracker, Radar Tracker, Retro Tracker, Reaper Tracker, Reckless Tracker, Randy Tracker, Rust Tracker, Rogue Tracker, Reality Tracker, Retard Tracker, Rattata Tracker, Raptor Tracker, Ray Tracker, Race Tracker, Rambling Tracker, Rat Tracker, Rack Tracker...

It's a Rump Tracker. It operates on rectal frequencies.

Why are Daniel Carrington dancing some kind of "Pee pee-dance"?
Cool guy

Because he are needing the toilet!!