Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We might even respond if summer ever comes around.
Updated when there's nothing better to do!Russell Crowe's showing his age

Here comes Scribes, it's
like honey / You can't buy it
with money. Apparently.


Fawn Scribes. Get it? GET IT?

     Ok, hi! Let me just start out right away with the questions? Sounds good? Great!
     1) This goes to the designer(s) of Kameo, while you were making the character model of her, was someone screaming behind you LARGER, MAKE HER BREASTS LARGER, LARGER, LIKE HIT YOU IN THE FACE LARGE? Because, man, is she ever well developed.
     2) This one goes for Kameo people again, you lucky chaps. Are you trying to scare little children into buying your game with the character design. “Buy our game or WE WILL EAT YOU” should be printed on the front next to a rather large, fearsome looking critter. What happened to the loveable little tyke of a critter, you know, the one that is made into the stuffed animal, and the pillow, and is on EVERY #@#4ING LUNCH BOX BECAUSE HE SHOOTS LIGHTNIN-err...
     3) Dinosa- err... Star Fox Adventures looks cool, but are you going to get rid of that nasty N64 look before it hits the Gamecube? I hope so. Ermm... Were there any limitation to speak of whilst making the jump from N64 to Gamecube?
     4) If Banjo and Kazooie ever lands on our favorite game of cubes, would it be called Banjo-Cubey? Or something just as witty?
     5) Banjo looks GREAT on the GBA, but ermm... wasn’t that painfully difficult to get it to look so nice, play so smooth, and feel soo cuddly on that loveable little GBA? Actually, my question really is did you use the N64 polygon models to render the characters from? If you did, that's smart. Sly as a fox, you are.
     6) That picture of Mr. Sabre Wulf (don’t know his name), what's going on with his mustache? Or did a paper airplane suddenly fly across whilst you were taking the picture. If it is, I bet the guy who made it is the same guy that suggest the frog be named Winky.
     7) This is where I will close my letter. Thanks for reading and ermm... good luck. OY! I almost forgot my RPA, I spent a long time on this. I think it will be a fresh of breath air. Ok, I attached it. HAVE FUN!
     P.S. Thanks.

1) If I know the Kameo team, that 'someone' was actually seven or eight people. In fact: "Err, yes. They were considerably larger at one point, but that's another story. Suffice to say that the final model was met with universal approval."
     2) "No. We are not trying to scare anyone. You only got to glimpse a few of the monsters that will be available in the final game. Simply put, all 60 monster designs reflect their unique abilities and personalities. If a monster looks aggressive, it may well behave in that way. If a monster looks, say, passive (or cute), it may adopt a different approach if faced with the same situation."
     3) Whoops, hang on, quick switch of designers... "Since E3 the game has been completely transformed, I don't think you'll see anything that comes close!"
     4) Super Banjo-Kazooie Triple Strike 2004 Eternal: Pack Pack Revolution.
     5) Another designer shuffle, and: "We're using a 50/50 split of models from the N64 models and new ones we've made from scratch for Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge. Why? Because we love to keep you guessing."
     6) Sabreman. Yes, er, bit of a faux pas when cutting that one out, it appears - leading the artist to make the very same 'paper plane' comment. Moaning buggers, the lot of you.
          7) Unfortunately, by addressing your mail to the non-existent 'scribes@rareware.com', you've forced it to be redirected and lose its attachment somewhere along the way. No, don't worry - we'll cope.

Dear Scribes (I don't know if this is added or if I'm supposed to put it in... and now I'll never know),
      I would like to briefly comment on Rare games on the N64, using these wonderfully crafted haikus. Enjoy.

     Perfect Dark:
     You make shooting fun
     And playing with friends is fun
     You should get a raise

     You make shooting fun
     You came before Perfect Dark
     You made James Bond cool

     Jet Force Gemini:
     This game is real long
     But blowing stuff up was fun
     I demand sequels

     You're like Mario
     But I finished Banjo-K
     Get Jiggy wit' it

     You're cleverly named
     You came after Banjo-K
     And I like you more

     Mickey's Speedway USA:
     Mickey was cool once
     And this game was really fun
     But now it is done
    (Going to have to stop you there: I'm in too much pain to continue. - Ed)

     The brilliance flowing from these haikus is staggering...
     - Nathan

Yes, it's certainly staggered me. Do you think you could try to... you know... never do it again? Go on, I'll even resort to the obvious tactic of making up some of my own as some twisted form of compensation:

     Perfect Dark
     Name makes little sense
     Academic; you can shoot
     Men in eyes and crotch

     Jet Force Gemini
     Happy, laughing world
     Guns and gore and bombs and that

Hello (please don't kick me),

     I have a question regarding StarFox Adventures and to keep this mail short I'll stop with the filler and cut to the chase:
     What will it be called here in Blighty? And why can't StarFox actually be used here anyway? I hope you just use the old "StarWing" title. Whatever you do, don't call it "Lylat Wars Adventures: Dinosaur Planet", that's just asking for a big heap of mockery to be thrown at you.
     Bye, your friend,
     Daniel Sleeth

As far as we're aware, it's keeping the same name worldwide. Not entirely sure where the problem lies with UK Starfox - I remember a dodgy old wireframe shoot-'em-up by the same name on the Spectrum, but that's probably nothing to do with it. Just thought I'd chip in. Sorry.

Dear Scribes,

     I was reading the July edition of Electronic Gaming Monthly the other day and spotted an interesting news item.
     Apparently, families of the Columbine High School victims' have filed a $5 BILLION lawsuit against 25 Media companies, including Nintendo of America, Sony and ID Software.
     The suit is to change "literally the marketing and distribution of these super-violent video games that take kids... to become addicted and turn them into monster killers", said attorney John DeCamp.
     With this in mind, I think Duncan Botwood and his fellow Perfect Dark team-members were wise to remove the face-mapping feature from Perfect Dark (N64). The game could have received a lot of bad publicity.
     Thought you'd find this news item interesting.
     Mark Quested
     P.S. A sensible letter. Well I never!
     P.P.S. I own every N64 game you've ever made, not that you really want to know that!

'Monster killers', yes. That screams in-depth research and an intimate knowledge of the subject matter. We do try to be aware of these things, and as Botters himself says, "we aren’t thick; adverse publicity was one of the main reasons that the face mapping was removed from the game, as our press release at the time stated quite clearly."
     Perhaps some of the more vocal protesters at the time will see now that ditching the face-mapping option was the sensible thing to do - at least this way the game isn't being lynched or pulled from the shelves.

Dear Mr. Scribes,

      Well, Mr. Scribes. I have possibly figured out who or what the hell Mumbo Jumbo, the boneheaded shaman from your supoib Banjo-Kazooie games, is! It took a little bit of investigation, but I think I've got it...
     First of all, I take a peek at an ancient screenshot of Mumbo's Mountain. The most distinct part of that shot is a Grublin, wearing a mask! Much like a certain witch doctor. I must note, though, that the Grublin is blue.
     Now for a little backstory trekking. The Banjo-Kazooie instruction manual *holds it up and smiles* says, and I quote "Mumbo Jumbo: A former teacher of Gruntilda's, this mysterious shaman was betrayed by his pupil before he could prevent her from putting his magic to bad use." To paraphrase, Mumbo is Grunty's magic teacher type guy.
     Well, we all know the rest of the story. But, could it be that Gruntilda has used Mumbo Jumbo's people to do bad things? And if yes, then there's only one thing that Mumbo Jumbo could be... a Grublin!!! Yes, that felt good!!!
     Try and disprove that, Mr. Scribes and his vast knowledge of British pop culture! Nya!!!
     ~BaronKrusha (www.dktropics.cjb.net

I can't be bothered. Wait a minute while I get the Banjo team to make something up instead.
     "Mumbo Jumbo is really an old Donkey Kong model that we stuck a skull onto. What's more, Banjo is based on one of the Battletoads! So how about that?"


     I've recently rented Conker's BFD and I have one simple question.
     Was the Count Batula music composed by the Rare musician or was it an existing work (like the intro)? If it was an already existing work, who composed it and what is its name?
     I think the Count Batula music's fantastic.
     PS: Was the Count Batula music done using MIDI or was it recorded, because it sounds like the solo violinist is actually playing the solo (which is virtually impossible to do using MIDI - I know). Oops, sorry, that makes two simple questions...

Yes, the Count Batula music is all-original and not an existing work. It's also entirely done in MIDI, so, as they say in school playgrounds everywhere (or maybe just certain parts of South Wales), "waaah, sussed".

Dear Scribes,

     Give us the codes for 'Perfect Dark' you f**kpigs. We know that they exist. Everyone who will buy the game, already has it. You won't generate more sales with the release of the codes in three years time. The N64 hasn't got three years. Advanced decrepitude. Release them. Oh, and stop composing your own editorial content. It reeks of those infantile Nintendo magazines that frown on 'converters' and anything that isn't 'Nintendo' policy.
     Michael Carroll

Hey! Well done! We've been itching to hand over all these PD button codes for months, but we'd all agreed to wait until someone wrote in and called us 'f**kpigs'.
     What's this? "Stop composing your own editorial content"? So what should we do instead? Copy out self-help books word for word? That's the most fantastically stupid comment since... since your last one.
     I'd like to say I was deeply offended by this letter, but the truth is it made me laugh for a good half an hour.

Hey Rare,

     First, I'd like to suck up. You have made the best games I have ever played, not just for Nintendo, but for anything. Ever. And they've never lost their appeal, no matter how old. Well, except Killer Instinct, but that's another story...
     Second, I'd like to ask an incredibly stupid question. Can you play as a Skedar in Perfect Dark? Is it a push button code?
     Third, I'd like to be seriously annoying and nit-picky. In the Perfect Dark cinema, in the Area 51: Infiltration intro, Jo says it's 1028 hours, ie 10:28 in the morning. Yet it's clearly late night! Now, I've never been to Nevada, but the sun sure seems to set early there! Second, between the Area 51: Rescue Outro/Escape Intro, the biotechnicians lose their medical face masks for absolutely no reason. Then, in Air Force One Special and Outro, the plane is over the sea (ie a programming shortcut) and you even see the UFO go STRAIGHT DOWN towards the sea... then, in the next mission, they've all crashed on the ground. Oh... kay...
     Fourth, I'd like to say well done on finally making a game that can be dead easy and incredibly hard, easy to "finish" but almost impossible to totally finish, and that I can fail the same mission about 30 times and not break any controllers or shove the game in a cupboard, and have almost infinite multiplayer possiblities in which you can clock up about 80 hours without getting bored. I mean Perfect Dark, of course!
     Fifth, I'd like to say arse.
     Andrew Hodson

 I still can't be bothered, so I'll allow the PD designer to answer this one in its entirety. Hey, if he's willing... (parp).
     "First: Cheers.
     "Second: No, you can’t. The push button code is activated by stuffing the controller into your mouth and jumping out of a window. Ground floor will do; you may be stupid enough to believe that there are button codes for PD after the many occasions that we have stated that there aren’t, but you did buy our games, so we’ll let you live as long as you carry on buying them.
     "Third/In: Or it’s morning. Joanna’s mission timer works off CI time, and all CI agents are linked to the CI clock so that they know what time it is back at base, and how long they have left on their mission before they can go back and watch The Simpsons in the Ready Room. Whatever time it is, it certainly isn’t late night because of the bright sunlight you see in the area by the main hangar lifts.
     "Third/Second: They took them off. The scene was deleted from the production ROM so as not to excite dangerous medical fetishists who might buy the game. There was lots of heavy breathing and stuff, you know, and some people can take that the wrong way.
     "Third/Then: The plane is over the sea due to a graphical shortcut. The aircraft were flying over Amundsen gulf, and the crashdown happened just over the coastline of Victoria Island. So ner.
     "Fourth: Cheers mark 2.
     "Fifth: Hmmm."

Dear Scribes,
     Just like movies with talking animals, games with animals suck. Why is Rareware wasting its time with Banjo and Kazooie? My little sister likes it. And my mom she likes it too. But us men we like Perfect Dark and Goldeneye. Perfect Dark is the best game ever made. When is the next version of Perfect Dark coming out and what is it going to be titled? I took a petition all around the state CT. I got two signatures guaranteeing that they will buy your next game. With these numbers alone I deserve to see some actions taken. WHAT IS THE NAME AND RELEASE DATE FOR YOUR NEXT PERFECT DARK ENGINED GAME?
     Laughable Man

Two signatures! That's some petitioning there, boy. Thing is, even those two don't count because Connecticut is officially the most boring state ever. Sorry, but it's true.
    Here's some barely-related gibberish from the designer: "The name of the release date is Geoffrey. The engine for the N64 version of PD is in what passes for cryogenic storage round here in the English countryside (a rusty milk churn)."

Dear Scribes,

      HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOO!!!!! (Whew!) I've done it. I, ****** ******* have found out the best possible game to make starring the one, the only, the singular, the uno, the absotively posilutely swankyest MR. PANTS!!! It is set in the future where giant robots have taken over and it's up to a group of renegades (Mr. Pants and all of his girlfriends (yes, he has girlfriends)) to stop the evil robots. The game is called ROBOPANTS and should be rated "SSS" for superbly spectacularly swanky.

     (P.S. Do you like 'swanky' or 'nifty' better?)

That's one of the worst RPAs we've ever had. In fact I've no idea why I'm printing your letter. 'Nifty' is clearly a better word than 'swanky', and no, I don't care that there's no Nifty Kong.

Dear Scribes,

     Thank you very much for the Jet Force Gemini MP3 files. They have much better sound quality than the ones I recorded myself. Now could you please do MP3 files of Sekhmet, Water Ruins, and Ichor? You must obey me, as I am being very polite in my request.
     P.S. Thank you also for that new word. Cack cack, cackitycack caaaaaack cack. Cack!

We'll get around to it sooner or later. Not because you were polite, but because we were planning to anyway. Besides, your politeness is offset by the admission that you've only just learned the word 'cack'.

To whoever reads this,

     I've written in a lot before and my question's never been answered, soooo... I'm gonna get lots of people to write in with the same Q and hopefully at least ONE will be answered. Here's what I've been wondering... What was the Giant's name..? The Giant who use to be in B-K before Grunty was there! Also, do you have a screen shot, render, character sketch, or description of what the Giant looked like? Some say he was the king of the Gruntlings. Some say he was a a giant Klungo. Some say he was Capn' Blackeye (that would explain his huge size). Some also say he looked just like Grunty, only she/he was a Giant.
     Come on! Tell us the truth! Well, maybe I'd have a better chance of you answering if I get Kablooie (evil twin of Kazooie) to write in... Or maybe SirSlush...

I enjoyed following the progress of your scheme to get lots of people to write in, especially when nobody did. Nevertheless, proper answerage follows:
    "There was never a name or even a picture for the giant, as his time as the main bad guy was extremely brief. We swapped to a witch because she promised that she had more levels in her lair than the giant had in his castle. She claimed her levels were really good and the players would love them, whereas the giant was little more than a hopeless fool who was still trying to construct level 1."

Dear Scribes,
     I've seen pictures of your new Game Boy Advance games, like Banjo-Kazooie, Diddy Kong Pilot and Coconut Crackers. Everyone thinks they look good and likes the idea of them, but, as much as I want to, I don't. To tell you the truth, I don't get why all these companies are trying to make this great little handheld like the Nintendo 64 or Playstation. Sure, it all looks good, but is it as thorough? Tell me what you'd rather enjoy playing, Banjo-Kazooie: Gruntilda's Revenge, which is kind of a new game, but more of a mix between BK and BT, or something brand new like Donkey Kong Country 4. And it wouldn't need a huge selection of characters either. Just two characters (Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong would probably be choice) and a game with great game control, new levels and new bosses. THAT, my friend, would be amazing. So please try and take this to consideration, and I hope to see an answer.
     - Garett Barr

Not exactly sure what you're trying to say here. Either you object to the choice of games in our first GBA batch (only the storyline in Grunty's Revenge could be described as "a mix between BK and BT" - the game itself is all-new), or you really think that all our GBA titles are doomed to fail simply because of the platform that we've chosen to release them on, in which case I suggest you tell that to the millions of people who've just gone out and bought a Game Boy Advance. There are reasons why everyone and his dog is supporting the GBA: it's powerful, it's portable, it brings back the golden age of consoles for many people and at the end of the day you don't need sky-high specs to make a quality game. Plus of course we're working on GameCube titles as well, so what's the problem?

Hello there,

     There was a letter in Tusk not long ago that, after a bit of translation into comprehensible English, seemed to suggest - quote - a "Heat Ray; fire it at a drone and they will melt. Think about it! Blasting a ray of heat at your enemy and watching them melt in agony!"
     Now, I don't really know why it was sent to Tusk because the only question in it, as far as I could tell, was "You like that sort of thing, right? Right?". But still, that aside, here's what it got me thinking about:
     I'm a Brit but I have to admit, we do have a couple of oddballs (Americans) in the family and a while back, one of them came to stay. We were sitting in front of a bus stop one day and she pulled out this little thing that looked like an inhaler or something. I'm now extremely glad that I didn't ask for a puff myself because it turned out to be that b*st*rd "highly painful and so available only to kids age 8+ in the U.S." Mace stuff. You know, the spray with pepper and stuff in it that burns a hole in someone's face. Anyway, I was shocked to see her spray it on the ground and, by chance, onto an ant.
     I was even more shocked to see said ant visibly MELT as it struggled to get out. It was really quite disturbing, but at the same time highly entertaining. She sprayed it on to a few more and they too dissipated into a few gases, and I can tell you, it wasn't a fast process either. The things audibly fizzed as they went from the bottom upwards.
     Now, before you hide in a cupboard for days, I think I'll get right to the point: incoherent and childish as that previous letter was, it had a point. Any JFG sequel really could do with a melt-o-gun or something. All I ask is that, should you decide to create a follow-up (and you really ought to, you know), and decide to stick some similar weapon into the game, you base it upon the mace/ant incident. Because believe me, the personal enjoyment would be through the roof.
     Thank ye kindly,
     Richard Broderick

Americans in the family... are you related to Matthew? Tell him he completely ruined Ladyhawke.
     In the event of a JFG sequel, no doubt the range of weapons on offer would be given a facelift, so a Melt-O-Gun would entirely possible. In fact it could well have been considered for the original - I know there was a Shrinking Ray in there for quite a while. Most importantly of all, as long as there's a place reserved for the Fish Food, everyone's happy.


     eYE HAV NOTISSED PD'S CHEEZE, AND NOW eYE ASK, KNOW demaned, VAT YOU MAKE: cheeze sicksty-for. eYE WILL SHUT YOO WIV DUBBLE CHEEZERS!!!!(A KIND OV GUNN A FRENND OV MIEN INNVENNTEDD)!!!!!!11!!111!!!!!!!1!111! hahahahaha!!1!111!!
     -Crimson Fox
     PEE ESS- eye meen itt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!1111!!!!!1111!!!!!11!!!!!!!111!!
     PEE PEE ESS- HaPy NeSs RoX!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!11!!!!!!!111!!

The designer says: "Hello, mum. Been on the sauce again, have you?"
     PS i bleive u!!!/1!!#!
     PPS No - his PK Fire and stupid swervy double jump make him deeply irritating.

Dear Scribes:
     In honor of your web-site redesign, I have redesigned my letters, with easier navigation!
     When this big ol' world starts a gettin' me down, I boot up my copy of JFG splatter Mizar's fat arse across the solar system. However, the last time I did this, I decided to actually pay attention to the credits this time and not just Juno dancing. Then I noticed something I never noticed before - Rare has a USA office! No Way! But I started thinking, what is it that they do there? They obviously aren't making games. Then I thought that they might be localization, but no, because Americans speak English (sort of) and any regional references to Britain seem to be left in the games. Though I thought they might publish it, I remembered that Nintendo usually takes care of your publishing needs. So, WHAT DO THEY DO? My theory is that they are composed entirely of the snotty, spoiled, American based nephews of Rare developers and the only way to appease them is to send them advanced copies of your games, and pay them a salary for doing so. Calling them Rare USA is the only way you could sneak this under Nintendo's nose.
     Am I the only one who thinks that you guys should make the next Earthworm Jim game? It would be ARSE!!!
     You guys should make a Super Smash Bros. style game with all of your characters. Conker fighting Jo Dark! Mr. Pants fighting Uncle Tusk!
     Yesterday, I, like, saw Mr. Pants, and I, uh, said, your totally cool!, and he said, "Bless you my child!" when I got home, I noticed that my underpants was now red and comically oversized! WAY ARSE!
     Scott Lochmoeller
     P.S. I don't believe in post scripts, so unlike those other un-cultured slobs, I will not employ one in this letter. (What the... oh no.)

Your letter's navigation sucks!!! It looks crap in my resolution!!! Etc.
     Rare Miami was founded at the same time as Rare in the UK. They don't localise or distribute: they deal with all sorts of bits and pieces on the business side of things (trademarks, legal issues etc.) so that we can concentrate entirely on development. They also tend to do suspiciously well in the annual Rare fantasy football league.

     Maybe we'll do a bright, colourful, 2D Killer Instinct 3 in the style of Smash Bros. How the gore-lapping psycho fanboys would enjoy that, eh?

Dear Scribes,

     Banjo-Tooie soundtrack. I play it, and my three kids play it. Their friends, too. The soundtrack is firmly embedded in my psyche. Is there no way to turn the darn music off without losing all the sound effects as well? It's driving me nuts!!
     If not, maybe your developers could take pity on parents and include an option or cheat to kill the music in your games, cuz the tunes have an odd knack for sticking in our heads. Thanks.
     Scott Paine

"They're supposed to be catchy!" exclaims the musician, flailing his arms like some kind of terrifying monkey windmill. "I don't sit here for hours trying to write UNmemorable tunes... it kinda defeats the object of being a video games composer! I don't know... there's just no pleasing some people."

Dear Scribes,

     You know, I really find it amusing that you guys from Rareware expect us to believe you when you say that there's no Perfect Dark Zero, especially when the game list was published on E3.nintendo.com, and Ken Lobb said it himself that the game is being developed. Wadda ya think? We're stupid (don't answer that)? Seriously though, if you're gonna keep a game secret, don't post info on it on web sites, and don't get high profile people from Nintendo confirming its existence, right before you say, nah, there are no plans about PD2.
     Matthew Raw

Good name. A few things you need to bear in mind: firstly, Rare didn't post any info about a PD sequel; secondly, Ken Lobb has also 'confirmed' the existence of KI3 before now; and thirdly, we've never flat-out denied plans for a sequel. We've just never specified anything. Now stop complaining and we'll spill the beans when we're good and ready.

Dear Scribes,

     First off I just want to say that I think the new site design's pretty good. Admittedly, I didn't like it too much at first, but I suppose navigation is considerably easier, not to mention those delightful high quality renders. Anyway, to the questions....
     1. What on earth happened to Banjo's voice in Banjo-Tooie? Its much lower pitched than before... did it break or something?
     2. This has been bugging me for ages: considering the fack that Perfect Dark has so many multiplayer game modes, why oh why did you not include a survival mode? Hmmmmm?
     3. Which do you think is best: Falcon 2 or Magsec 4?
     4. In Goldeneye, KF7 Soviet or D5k Deutsch?
     5. And finally...here's a toughie: Mr Pants 2000 or 2001 (i'm probably in the minority, but I prefer the original)?
     Well, those questions were almost semi-intelligent. Amazing. Until next time...

1) One from the B-T team: "Yep, he waited so long for his new game that his voice broke. Did you also notice that Mumbo looked substantially different, Mrs. Bottles was Bottles in drag and King Jingaling was little more than a big Jinjo with a crown on his head?"
     And the rest from PD, including a shameful confession:
     "2. I don’t know for certain but I think you can cobble one together from the options. I’d have tried to do that before writing in and looking foolish.
     "3. Both are best in certain circumstances. If I had to pick one, it would be the Falcon2 because of the accuracy.
     "4. Again, each have their merits. Probably the KF7 Soviet due to the slight zoom capability and the opportunities for ammo replenishment (i.e. dead guards). But if you added a silencer to the D5k, well…
     "5. I haven’t played MP 2001 yet."

Dear Rareware...

     In recently playing one of your many excellent games Perfect Dark, I was playing the combat simulator with my little cousin. We were playing the game against the "sims" and I noticed, that the sims, who were all the bad guys, were all of the male species. I noticed this, and I feel this is a bit sexest. There are bad people in the world that aren't men. I do realize you can have girl "sims" but that's through setting it up and many people don't have the time or patience. I'd like to hear from you on this subject.
     Thank you and Goodbye.
     Ben Donnelly

It's not even remotely 'sexest'. The fact that you can't spell it suggests that you're not much of a crusader against 'sexesm' after all. Let's get the opinion of Designer Boy...
     "Read this bit back to yourself: 'you can have girl 'sims' but that's through setting it up'… Sexism is discrimination against male or female on the grounds of their gender. Women in Perfect Dark are not portrayed as inferior, or denigrated in any way that I am aware of - that, and only that, is sexism. To use your standard of argument I could say that you, Ben Donnelly, were sexist for not taking the time to use the options to set up a combat game that included equal numbers of male and female simulants. It’s pretty derogatory of you to call them 'girls' too. Instead I point you to the single player game, and one Cassandra DeVries - the primary villainess; also her bodyguards, all of them women. To a man, you might say. If what you describe were actual sexism then yours would not be the first letter that we have had on the subject (and it is)."

Who ya gonna call?
     Hello all, I am most definitely a very avid ghosthead (Ghostbusters fanatic). I have seen on many Ghostbuster fan sites about "The Real Ghostbusters" game which comes from your studios. I have even seen a scan of the cover of it.
     I've checked the website and still find nothing even mentioning it. As a completely compentent representative of the Ghostbuster community I am presenting the question of: "where is this masterpiece of a game I have heard so much about?" Go to any Ghostbuster message boards, you'll see. We would appreciate any information you could give us to calm our nerves... I'm drinking way too much coffee.
     -The Keymaster

I have to admit I've heard this rumour before, but didn't realise it was quite so widespread. Anyway, this quote from an unnamed senior staff member should put it to rest once and for all: "In my 12 years here I have never heard of us being even remotely involved in any fashion with such a game... the Lord only knows how this one started."

O Great Depository of those wonderful Things we fondly call RPAs...

     First of all, the new site looks fantastic. Very spiffy. Although I do wish you had a different version for those of us with 1024x768 res or higher. Oh well. Anyway, a few things to brighten your day:
     1) The site. See above.
     2) BFD. All I can say is wow. Wow. That game is fantastic beyond words. Especially that bit with Gregg. Gregg has been a local hero ever since I introduced the game to my friends. He rules big time. The only problem is that we have to start a new game every time we want to view the death scene. Which is a lot. And I haven't been able to find a video of it on the net. Would there be any chance of you posting it or other really cool BFD stuff in the near future?
     3) [Breaking form here] In the (supposed) Banjo game for the GameCube will the characters use real voices like in BFD or just really nice sounding jibber-jabber?
     4) When will the old Scribes be up?
     5) Mr. Pants Movie!!! That's right, I'm making a new (soon to be infamous) Mr. Pants movie, entitled Mr. Pants' Day Out! (If you could do the green thing with that it would be cool.) I already got the first act done!!! And it's already full of lots of arse-type dimwitted humor!
     6) And finally, the real point of this long (which it wouldn't be if the site had 1024x768) letter, I am pleased to announce the Scribes and Pants Cursors! They are conveniently zipped up for your downloading pleasure and even contain a readme since they're not self-executing or any of that hard stuff. And they only took about an hour or two to make. Honest. So here you go. Eat your heart out.
     7) Finally, last but not least, Jet Force Gemini is the greatest game ever. I got it for Christmas a few years ago (whenever it came out) and I must say that it ranks up there even above BFD in quality! (Yes, BFD does have "quality".) Anyway, if anyone reading this hasn't bought JFG (or BFD, for that matter) get up and go do it now. In fact, BFD is on sale at Best Buy and JFG at Wal-Mart. Seriously. Why would I lie?

1) It looks fine in 1024x768. Stop complaining. You're just bitter because you smell.
     2) I'll hassle some people on the team and see what we can rustle up. There are definitely some MP3s on the cards, I can tell you that much...
     3) Considering the 'supposed' status of the 'game', it's a bit of a moot point.
     4) Eventually. Each one takes hours, man! The mental and emotional strain cannot be overemphasised.
     5) So who plays Mr. Pants? Is it Danny DeVito?
     6) Astonishing. I did use them for a while, but after a day or so they started freaking me out. Maybe others will display a higher level of tolerance...
     7) I don't know. Why?

To the land of Giant Golden R's
      This weekend, one of my friends and I were playing a few hours of Perfect Dark, and we came across a few things that confused us. Firstly, while playing "Hide 'n' Seek' in the Complex (taking advantage of the fact that when you hold down the crouch button when you're the lowest makes your screen go blank) - one chosen hiding place of mine was in the room with the hole in the floor and the balcony window looking over the two ramps. In the corner farthest from the entrance, next to the hole in the floor, I'd ducked, and aimed at the floor, putting the character's arse straight in the air - the target for when the other player would find me. He did find me - but we found out that, to quote Jorenko, "Your arse is impenetrable!" No matter where he shot while I was staring at the floor in that corner, it would do no damage. We tried it on his character - same result. We tried it in other corners - did not work. It was only that corner.
     Secondly, we both noticed our accuracies were annoyingly low due to some recent rampages, and we decided to have a 2 on 2 duel type battle (Why isn't The Duel playable for Counter-op? That would be so great...). After one game, his accuracy jumped from 32.8% to 44.3%. We then tried, using all the numbers available in the stats page, to come up with how that accuracy is figured. We were stumped - so now we're asking you.
     A few days later, this same friend and I were DVD shopping, and I purchased my first DVD. It was my favourite anime - Iria: Zeiram the Animation. The cover art is what shocked me - her pose bore a striking resemblance to a particular render of Joanna Dark. It's a similar pose, but viewed from the other side.
     This letter's longer than most of my old ones. Maybe I should stop.
     -Amanda Marie Schroeder

Maybe you should. Check it out now - the funk soul designer.
     "First bit - Sounds like a bug. Wash the cart in warm soapy water and leave to dry for two years.
     "Second bit - Accuracy leap most probably due to the type of weapons used in the match you set up. Since you don't say what they are I can't be bothered to speculate, what with it being Monday morning and me not being awake yet and everything. Play a duplicate match with the same weapon setup and see if it happens again. Or accept that your friend is a better shot than you are.
     "Third bit - It was Socrates who said: 'There are only a certain number of poses that look good enough to be used for advertising purposes, and this seems to be one of them.' His mate Plato agreed: 'Not all poses can be duplicated by normal humans, which is why we see them so often in manga artwork and CG renders.' Both of them agreed however, that nothing could beat a good side-on view of a Greek babe in a wispy gown, especially if it was slapped on the side of a curvy vase."

Dear Scribes,

     A few numbered questions (don't you love 'em?) that I've been pondering over for a while...
     1. We all know Donkey Kong Racing's video was prerendered with in-game textures and models. Good. Fine. But what about the oh-so pretty motion blur? Is that an in-game feature, or just something that may or may not be utilized in later generations of GCN software, providing it advances that far?
     2. A bit of a silly question to be asking, but is Donkey Kong Racing the official sequel to the N64's Diddy Kong Racing? The damn-near-identical logos and general concepts would suggest so...
     3. While I'm in a DoKR groove, may as well go for the gusto - any chance Wizpig will be reappearing as the villain, with K. Rool backing him up, prompting Donkey's namesake inclusion? (Braces for inevitable "bugger off" response)
     4. Oh, let's see... Since Diddy Kong Pilot is scheduled to come out by year's end, maybe the release is close enough to merit a response to this... who's the hillbilly Kong from the character select screen? Can we at least have a name?
     5. So, when are you going to get around to adding Twelve Tales: Conker 64 and the Sabre-riffic N64 Dinosaur Planet to the Limbo page? I know it's more than redundant, but isn't that the world we live in?
     Well, that about does it. I'll probably think of several more just seconds after clicking "send" and kick myself for not asking, but I can't be bothered to write another letter (we both know that's a lie, but I don't want to look like a two-letter knob). Cheers.
     >Chad McCanna

I can do better than an "inevitable 'bugger off' response". I can get you some of the least satisfactory answers in recorded history from the Donkey Kong Racing team leader.
    "1. It is definitely something that 'may or may not be used in (this or) later generations of GCN software, providing it advances that far.'
     "2. No-one really has any idea what the concept for DoKR is yet, so a comparison is not entirely appropriate at this juncture.
     "3. There is, more or less, almost certainly 'any chance' that Wizpig will appear as the villain.
     "Oh, and at my school the word 'Chad' was used as an insult."
     He then proceeded to give a graphic example, which I've duly censored. It's for your own good. As for the other questions:
     4) Don't worry about it - he's been killed off now anyway.
     5) Everyone already knows about those, so it'd be a bit pointless at the moment...

Dear Scribes,

     I'd like to apologise on behalf of every real Rare fan in the world to the Rareware team, for the idiocy of all the bumlookers who like the unmentionable stupid games character, or think Banjo and Kazooie are at it morning, noon and night.
     Real Rare fans have completed PD challenge 29 (FINALLY bloody did it, thanks Duncan), and know what RCP stands for as well as other obscure / stupid trivia.
     On the firing range in PD, did you ever fire a Slayer in Fly-by-Wire straight back into Joanna's face? My personal favourite is firing crossbow bolts through Foster's face.
     Incidentally, who you think was the best in Thundercats? Panthro was dead hard, but lost his temper quite a bit.. and didn't you just want to set Snarf on fire...
    Stephen James Smith

Panthro was clearly the best - his temper only made him even more of a hard case. His only real competition was Cheetara (well, and Mumm-Ra). Lion-O was uptight, Tygra was effeminate, Snarf needed a good kicking and let's not even get started on those stupid kids.
     No need to apologise on anyone else's behalf - you're the one who'll look daft when we reveal that Banjo and Kazooie have actually been at it morning, noon and night and RCP stands for 'Remote Control Pervert'.

Dear sheath-wearing scribesman of the Serengheti savannah,
     Somewhere in the jockstrap region of my mind, a fetid memory bubbles pungently and billows forth, too buoyant to repress and too vile to ignore. Something about a game called JFG. Something about a droid named Floyd with a characteristically fierce "rar!" trademark warcry. Then many Scribes ago, something about a newspaper clipping about a malevolent hurricane off the coast of Florida. Something about untold damage done to property and human life combined...
     Have a look at the attached file and quail in fear as yet another JFG character with a penchant for violence rains wholesale destruction upon the hapless Disneyland State. Do you know something about this that we don't?
     Secondly, I watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the ending was empty and mirthless. I watched 2001 AD: A Space Odyssey, and the ending was oblique (and somewhat arbitrary in the book). I read Captain Corelli's Mandolin, and the ending was a bare-faced cop-out. They were all nice while they lasted, but it seemed that the writers couldn't think of a way to give a meaningful ending so they fudged it or just dodged the issue.
     Then I thought of JFG - top-notch shooting and races galore, but with an ending that goes for humor (of a sort) at the expense of all else. Uninvited, BFD entered my mind forcibly - unconventionally amusing gameplay with a wonderful array of weapons and challenges, but with an ending halfway between a desperately unfunny deus ex machina and a vague attempt at atmospheric weirdness. Crumbs, thought I in depression, has it come to this? Time for the nembies - come hither, my dears...
     But seriously, I think movies and books (my earlier examples) will pretty much stay the same forever. Books are pretty much the same as they've always been for the past few centuries, and movies are pretty similar dating through the past few decades. But what Gamecube and the rest of the consoles are showing is a very rapid increase in the quality and possible length and complexity (through increased memory capacity) of future games. I really hope that this can lift whatever constraints might have shackled you in the past. If anyone can do it, it's you, because you have your undeniable achievements and Nintendo's mighty support behind you.
     So even if nobody else agrees with me, I'd like to stake out this lonely argumentative corner of the discussional woods, and say that the endings matter to me. Your earlier comment was (humorously intended, I have no doubt) that closure is so passe already. Well, you're not the only ones to forward this view, if contemporary film and books are anything to go by, it's entirely possible that I truly am old fashioned in my expectations regarding storyline and closure. But the future seems to hold so much more opportunity for great games - and games so good and so thoughtful that they might no longer even qualify as "pastimes", more like "cultural pursuits".
     I hope you give this some thought whilst I'm still soused as a newt. Before you know it, I'll be back to my old self again and this moment of clarity will be a thing of the past.

     PS Can't find a wretched e acute on this lousy American keyboard.

You don't half go on. But it's so rare to get a letter that successfully uses words and phrases like 'oblique', 'deus ex machina' and, er, 'jockstrap' that I can't bring myself to hack it down.
     Surely the JFG ending goes for humour in addition to the usual glory, ceremony, fireworks etc. - it's not as if it cuts straight to Juno doing his thang and robs you of the traditional rewards. And the BFD ending was intended to be unexpected and make you think. Neither are bad intentions as far as I'm concerned, and they're a lot more interesting than just being handed the same old halfhearted, reiterated cut scenes - well done, world saved, the end.
     Increasing the quality of games with the new generation of hardware is obviously something we've set our sights on, but it's not as simple as just saying "right, let's make this next one really long and dead complicated". Team size is growing, but we're still talking about a hell of a lot of manpower, and we don't particularly want five-year gaps in our release schedule. You'll just have to wait and see how we do...
     That Barry, eh? And he said he'd changed his ways.

Kudos to you sir.

     You've thrown out the dubious furry based character designs of Dinosaur Planet and replaced them with familiar StarFox faces. But you've done so much more. You've made Fox McCloud look like Danger Mouse. Ever since playing SF64, I knew these two franchises were destined to be intertwined. The homoerotic inneundo, the unintelligible voice tracks, it's all there. Indeed, with lines like "So you're going to attack the enemy base? Great idea Fox!", General Pepper was obviously of very close relation to Colonel K.
     Please tell me you're going to see this all the way through and have Slippy run around saying "ooo 'eck". And, if possible, could you replace Tricky the dinosaur with DM's yellow car? And have him flying around in it?
     Thanks a lot!
     Alex Hutton
     PS Are either of the Stampers working on any secret NGC projects? A simple yes/no answer will suffice.
     PPS How is Cobra Triangle Cubed coming along?
     PPPS He's the Strongest He's the Quickest He's the Best!

You've rumbled us. And without even mentioning the fact that General Scales is a walking, talking tribute to Baron Greenback. Plus Falco is obviously Stiletto, and the only reason we've put so much work into the facial expressions is so that Fox can look appropriately resigned when he says "Slippy... shush".
     PS I suppose it would. Shame you can't have one.
     PPS It's looking isosceles-tastic!
     PPPS But he's not as hard as Panthro.

I never understood why James Bond's enemies would basically tell him their whole plan, how to foil it, and then tie him up and have some weenie guard there. It's like kicking your own arse.
- NES Boy

Would you prefer it if they just shot him five minutes into the film?

When Mr. Scarecrow Birdy asks me for Mepsipax, I get scared...
Sam Bruce

It's okay to be scared of Birdy. We all are.

I think you should be more politically correct in the next Killer Instinct and change Jago's name to Gay Joe. He could wear tight clothing and squeal all the time... hang on...
The Ponderer

How about TV Combo the cross-dressing boxer? No, maybe not.

Is it true that Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge has the alternate beginning that wasn't used in Banjo-Tooie? Maybe you should put something besides a giant rock on Gruntilda, like umm... a 1982 GMC Custom Van. No one can outrun Mr. T fool!
DVGBC, the Official Game Boy of Justice

That'd just be crying out for a scary Banjo/Blast Corps crossover.

Where is the "Super Secret Bovine Bonus" on this site? And don't say "I can't tell you, it's a secret" because that would be dumb and childish. Really.
The Rare Game Expert

So it'd be clever and mature to just tell everyone where it is?

I just thought I'd point out that if we all thought like Will Wallingford, you guys should have never made Donkey Kong Country. I mean, all DK should ever do until the end of time is kidnap damsels and throw barrels at people with mustaches.

Sounds like a perfectly good set of ambitions to me.

You shoud put this on the box and ads of PD2: "Like an orgasm but only better." Cool huh e-mail me back on what you think.

It'd be embarrassing even if the grammar was sound...

Are the rumours true that it was you and a certain Duncan Botwood that motion-captured the ending scene in the Jungle, for GoldenEye 007 on the N64, together? 'Get in there' Loveday! :D
Martin Badowsky

Stop it. That's twisted.

Hey Rare. I think you are the best and I think your web site is assume!!

Ladies and gents: the latest addition to stupid Scribes terminology.

I need the loo. What happens when I get there?
Simon Hanzl

You shoot the guard's hat off from the vent in the ceiling.

In Conker I noticed the cavemen saying "popo" when they were mooning me in the arena. My German studies tell me that it is the German word for arse. I figure that it was intended?
The Mighty Shiroc

If in doubt, figure that it was intended. Sounds good to us.

I sat down and waited and waited and waited but I still didn't here of a prequal or a sequal,so is Rare gonnna make anothe for GameCube cause I'm dieing for another so please make another PD,i'm on my knees for another one.

There's no need to go quite that far. Not in public, anyway.

Is the Cheese some of Joanna's lunch that she's dropped on the way round?

Bill Clinton's dog, Bob

That's certainly the best theory yet, and the most logical.