It's the useless Rare letters page! Send us your mail! Unless it's about Viagra or printer cartridges.

JANUARY 10, 2003

Dear Scribes,
First let me say that I appreciate your move to the Xbox game console. After seeing what you could pull off on the Nintendo 64 I can't wait to see what you can do with a game designed from the ground up for the Xbox.
However now that you have switched platforms and the people that are claiming betrayal are all up in arms over this I find it so hard to get a straight answer when it comes to anything Rare based any more. Primarily when it comes to the games Xbox owners can now potentially expect to be released for the platform. If I was to go on a forum and ask "Could Rare make Killer Instinct for the Xbox?" I would be slammed with 10 or so responses along the lines of "Nintendo owns KI so haha to you"...
What I'm asking is outside of the media PR and hype what all licenses do you guys retain from your breakup with Nintendo. Obviously StarFox and Donkey Kong are not going to follow you guys... but what about Killer Instinct, Blast Corps, Battletoads, RC Pro-Am, Jet Force Gemini, yadda yadda? And outside of the titles you bring with you to the Xbox can we expect to see titles potentially appear that may not have been considered for the Gamecube due to N64 versions? I'm talking KI3, Blast Corps, and Jet Force Gemini mainly here (I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes to see sequels to these titles).
Anyways you can be sure that whatever Rare magic is to grace the Xbox in the near future will be greatly appreciated by me. A fan of a game company is not determined by the piece of plastic and wires that plays said company's titles.

Rare Reply: Okay, let's see. It can get a bit confusing, but basically, as you say, the DK and Star Fox properties have always been Nintendo's and will remain that way, along with any franchise games that we produced. Pretty much everything else reverts to Rare, including KI, Banjo, Conker, PD, Blast Corps and JFG (but not GoldenEye, obviously, as the Bond licence is neither Rare's nor Nintendo's). Any of these characters and franchises could return in the future alongside original titles such as Kameo, though as to which of them actually will, your guess is as good as mine. And I'm not just saying that - your guess really is as good as mine.

Dear Scribes,
First of all, I want to tell you guys that I am still fan of yours. No matter if you develop games for the Gamecube or for the Xbox. The games are still going to have that special "Rare"-feeling, I think.
Now to my question. It may sound a little silly but, in the Xbox promo video, Conker says "This guy, what's he talking about? I can't understand a word."
THIS GUY? Explain this please. I thought he knew Banjo since Diddy Kong Racing.
That's all I have to say for now.
Best regards,
Nextendo64, a swedish Rare-fanatic
PS. Conker's Bad Fur Day is my favorite Rare game for the Nintendo 64. I've imported the US version, because I couldn't find it in PAL version.

Rare Reply: Yeah, but he never specifically said he could understand him in Diddy Kong Racing, did he? He was just too polite to say anything. His manners have deteriorated a bit since then.

Dear Fellows at Must-Resist-Angrily-Mentioning-Microsoft-Takeover-oh-bugger-I-just-did-Rare,
I have a quick question about Star Fox Adventures. While I was listening to the game's excellent tunes in the sound test, I came across one that I don't recall hearing in the main game. It's the music from Area 6 in Star Fox 64 (one of my favorites) and I was just wondering if it can be heard anywhere else in the game. Did I just miss it while I was playing through, was it planned to be included but then missed out of the main game, is it the music that plays in a secret level nobody has discovered yet, or is it in the sound test for a different reason? I've been wondering about this for a while, so I hope you will be able to help. Thanks.

Rare Reply: In admiration of your manners and self-restraint, I took this directly to the man who'd know: SFA's musician.
"With Star Fox Adventures being such a huge game, we had to prioritise how the audio went into the game and balance this with the development time remaining. The Area 6 theme had temporarily been used for the final Boss level, although we had always Nintended to replace this, time permitting, with the music that now plays during this level. It was literally substituted in the final hours of development, and we simply did not have time to remove it from the final version."

Dear Scribes,
It's me again! I don't really hate Xbox. I'm just giving you some hoopla! If it's at all possible, I might pick one up, but at my current state, 150 bucks (stupid word for American money, in case you didn't know) is a whole lotta cha-ching. Wing-banger, wa-ding dong ching. I have a suggestion for Perfect Dark Zero. Isn't it kinda cel-shaded or something? Daniel Carrington could be in 3D and just be a floating head and hands like Andross! Creepy... Eww; tingly. I think I have that thing where you type too much or play video games too much or something because my wrist is weird. Operation time! I hope not <shiver>. Man, this is pointless. I must really annoy you people. Sorry. I can understand. I can't even stand myself! I have an idea for Star Fox Adventures 2: Down in da Ghetto. Gen'ral Scales: "Yo, yo. What be cookin' dawg?" Krystal: "Man, whatchu be talkin' 'bout?" Oh, and I saw some pictures from Dinosaur Planet in an old magazine when it still featured Sabre, and I noticed the places with Krystal are not even in Star Fox Adventures. Like some kind of field and a waterfall place. Now I need more Dinosaur Planet! Get some company to make the sequel! Or, you got any spare Dinosaur Planet cartridges laying around?
Peace out,

Rare Reply: Virginia Woolf would have bowed to your mastery of the stream-of-consciousness form. Of course, there is one vital distinction: she was doing it because she thought it made her look clever, you're doing it because you've got verbal diarrhoea. Even so, I can only hope Nintendo follow up on your famous-franchises-hit-the-streets idea (and bring in Snoop Dogg for voiceover duties on General Scales).
0H mAN a wArtaR#FaLL!!!1 tEhrE mUStBE sEkreT~lEVaLs in /TEh STraR f0XX0r aVenTUrEzz!!!!1!

To heck with all of you Rare-haters.
You're nothing but losers! You complain because a company wanted more success and moved to another platform?????
Latest I heard was that Rare are the very same guys I've looked up to over the years for making some of the most amazing games that the ZX Spectrum ever had, courtesy of a company named 'Ultimate Play The Game' - they were around long before the GameCube and any other Nintendo console, making amazing games with technology no-one thought existed, let alone crammed into 16 and 48k Sinclair computers.
So to all of you morons slamming Rare...
Spin on it.

Rare Reply: Well, er, thanks for that. Slightly more blunt than we'd have phrased it, but the fact that Rare's period of Nintendo exclusivity only comprises about a third of its lifespan to date (we were around and making games for about 15 years prior to Donkey Kong Country, including the Ultimate glory days) does seem to be lost on a lot of people.

Hello Rare.
How's it going? Ok, I better continue before I'm kicked out of this, er, fine establishment. Er, I see ye've been bought up. It's not too bad really. At least Grunty's Revenge is still coming out. When will it be out anyway? Is it nearly finished? What sort of a plot will ye be able to make out for Banjo-Threeie anyway? Grunty's head flails around uselessly in an attempt to possibly bite Banjo's feet?
Kazooie Says 'Brrreeeeee!', Is Subsequently Shot In Head The new site layout is very nice, much better than that Flash version. It never actually fully loaded for me, and I was downloading it for a half an hour. By the way, I noticed that Kazooie was nowhere in sight in the Rare Xbox trailer. Didn't ye have enough time to make a model of her, or are ye killing Kazooie off? Anyway, that about concludes my random waffling.
P.S. Can I have a Mr. Pants Go Away/Get Out/Stay the Arse away (can't remember which...) Award?
P.P.S. Is Wil Overton still working at Rare? He didn't design Joanna Dark's new look by any chance? Well done to him if he did.
P.P.P.S. Is there a Banjo-Tooie soundtrack album available? I can't seem to find one.

Rare Reply: Stop rambling. I put the promo movie question to someone I know had a hand in it, and this is what he said:
"Kazooie is a worldwide phenomenon, and is allegedly more recognisable to kids than the McDonalds M, the Pepsi swirl or the moon. It is more a case of astute 'planning' on the part of the promo video makers to omit such an icon, so as to not excite its audience too much."
PS No. You can't even get the name right, you Philistine.
PPS He may well have had a hand in it...
PPPS There was. Ask Nintendo - it may have been used as part of a Nintendo Power subscription deal or something, but there was definitely one kicking around.

Dear Scribes,
I bequeath my first born child, reams of nude photos of the Pope, and several years of sexual favors to everyone at Rare if you actually answer this. While I'm not sure if it's kosher to ask about aneurism-inducing legalities and copyright ownership and whatnot, I figured it's worth a whirl just in case. Even a vague answer is better than none. Who owns the rights to Rare's original Dinosaur Planet characters? Would it be at all possible for you guys to make another game featuring, say, Krystal? Or - perish the thought - might Nintendo use them in another Star Fox game?
Tell me your inspired Dino Planet cast isn't lost in some hellish corporate void due to their illicit tryst with the Star Fox license.

Rare Reply: Not sure about the characters who didn't make the transition from Dinosaur Planet to Star Fox Adventures, but as mentioned earlier, everything Star Fox-related belongs to Nintendo - and following her part in SFA that now includes Krystal. Maybe we'll be invited to bring her back one day, or maybe Nintendo will put her furry blue charms to good use elsewhere. Who knows?

Greetings from the other side of the cesspool we call the Atlantic, you studly blokes you!
Here's some questions!
1. I need to know, will Sabre Wulf still be making his way to Gameboy Advance? I've been looking forward to the game for quite some time, and the screenshots are certainly droolworthy.
2. Also what about Coconut Crackers, maybe without the DK license? I must know!!
3. Dick York or Dick Sargent?
4. Oh yeah, one more thing, I know you fellas have stated that you aren't interested in making a third Killer Instinct game, but I was just curious, if you retained the rights to the franchise when you made the switch or if Nintendo still owns them.
Those are my questions, should you choose to accept them, look 'em over, think on it a bit, maybe answer them. Or don't, see if I care.
Crystal Walters

Rare Reply: 100% Pure Love - I used to hate that bloody song. No, hang on, that was Crystal Waters. Sorry.
1) Yep. Just a matter of sorting out the publishing duties.
2) It hasn't been DKCC for some time. If all goes well, see answer to 1). If not, you'll never know what you missed...
3) Neither are funny enough, so after consulting the IMDb I choose professional stuntman Dick Dial.
4) We never said we weren't interested, we said we weren't working on it right now. We did retain the rights, so maybe further down the line, eh?

Hello again!
I guess people are a little bit angry because you don't make any games for Nintendo anymore. I have played your games since Ultimate so I think this is so exciting. I look forward to the new games. (Even if my wallet don't do that because I have to buy a new console...)
And why is everybody making fun of Duncan Botwood? Grow up!

Rare Reply: Ha ha! Look, everyone! Duncan's got an admirer!
Thanks for your support, even if the Ultimate point was already made a few letters back - I only really printed this to make fun of Duncan.

Hello Rare person -
I have a question, really only one, but I'll make a list for old times' sake.
1.) We really don't have any old times now that I think about it, probably cause you've never printed one of my letters. Bloody pirates...
2.) I'm requesting that you stop work on GBA games right now. We proud Nintendo only owners just can't stand it, or at least I can't. It'll just make me sad to play a little Rare game, knowing that I'll never get to play a big one again, and don't tell me to buy an X-Box.
3.) Speaking of that thing. People keep saying that Nintendo was putting too much pressure on you guys to make THEIR games. Is that true? For example, take SFA. Did Big-N force you guys to add the Fox McCloud crap, or was it mutual. I don't figure they coulda been pushing you too much, or you never woulda made GE or CBFD to begin with.
4.) Here's the real question I've got. Are you the same Scribes guy from before. Your insults seem slightly less edgy. Perhaps the divorce just has you shaken, but I think maybe this is somebody different than the Scribbles we had come to know.
5.) Do you listen to Rage Against the Machine, cause I love them. If you don't, you should give 'em a try.
That's all. Peace out little man. We'll miss y'all. If you ever feel like quitting, please do. Fund Q is calling for ya.
Gary Olson

Rare Reply: 1) Oh, stop moaning. Look, here you go - instant 'fame'.
2) I won't. Anyway, some of our upcoming GBA contenders feel surprisingly big for such little games. You'd be surprised.
3) I know everyone wants to believe that there was a titanic clash of wills and possibly some naked mudbath knife-fighting at the heart of the Rare-Nintendo separation, but I'm afraid it never came down to anything that exciting/erotic. It was just time for us both to move on. Simple as that. Sorry.
4) Less edgy? Right, I'll try to be a damn sight more offensive from now on. You blooming muppet! You flipping great fatty!
5) No. I don't see any way I could justify having lightweight fluff like Rage Against The Machine in my collection alongside such butch disco classics as Oh L'Amour by Erasure, Love Train by Holly Johnson and Rat Rappin' by the legendary Roland Rat and friends.

Dear Scribes,
First things first. You mentioned Mr Arse, and at about that point I couldn't resist, so here it is.
Anyway, the reason Arseboy here is green is because I want to talk to you about the Rare-Microsoft thing. Here's a Rare (pun intended) opinion: kudos to you! I don't own an X-Box, but you wouldn't make a decision if it wasn't stupid. Although I doubt that Joanna should look like she's eighteen (I have a strict policy about games that turn me on, see), I want Kameo on the system I HAVE (why, God? WHY?!), some employees have left your company, I'm not sure if you'll do well in the future, and I think that Microsoft are (Censored for reasons of common sense - Ed), I do know that Rare make great games. If you keep up that high standard you've had, then I'll have to... oh god, I might actually buy an X-Box. How the hell can you hate a console you own?
At any rate, I bode you well wherever you go, and whatever my doubts. Have fun with your X-Box there (hee hee, get it? "Box" means "Arse", and I drew a picture of - oh, fudge it...)
P.S. Fifteen seconds to bash up Mr Arse? I wish. It took me half an hour.
P.P.S. Any ideas on how I can acquire an X-Box? An allowance of AUS$15 a week sounds good but it takes six weeks to buy a GAME, let alone a console. I don't have the money. Honestly, I don't...

Rare Reply: Excellent. Nothing says Scribes like a big green arse with bulging eyes. Although I have to say I didn't mention him by name last time: that's just your unhealthy preoccupation running away with you.
We'll do our utmost to prove to you and others in your situation that we're still planning to bash out the best possible games, because after all, I don't think I could do Scribes any more if people lost interest and stopped sending in arse attachments. And tragically, I mean that.

Dear Scribes,
Why the hell did you wait until the move to Xbox to make a Blast Corps sequel?! Don't tell me it was because of the sudden acquisition of funds from the sale, because I don't buy it. I would have KILLED (not really) for a Blast Corps sequel on Gamecube!
If the rumor hasn't been disproven yet, then please, don't [censored] up the game for the few hundred (my friend included) still with Xboxes: please, please, please don't make the game easy. The original Blast Corps was all about the seeming impossibility of such classics as Diamond Sands or Oyster Harbor (though Oyster Harbor you could at least cheat at), and the long, hard process of getting better medals. Blast Corps is one of the hardest games I've ever played, and it stayed in my N64 for months. Mainstream gamers today may be unwilling to accept a true challenge, but for those dedicated few, please make a hard-arse game.
Return of the Volatile Chipolatas Now then, to round out this letter, I must include the following:
1) A British slang word saying how good/bad you lot are;
2) A reference to Mr. Pants and/or Trout;
3) A broken link to a rubbish picture attachment;
4) A completely random sentence simulating a sense of humour;
and 5) The thought that I'm being original by jabbing at the usual syntax of a typical Scribes letter.
Thank you and good night.

Rare Reply: Eh? Are we making a Blast Corps sequel? I hate it when nobody tells me these things.
Sadly the Blast Corps team leader is no longer around, but most of the other demolition veterans are - not that you could produce a game in a decent length of time with only 7-8 people these days, mind. Anyway, it's not a huge franchise, but it is a fondly-remembered one, so you never know. And I can assure you I always check the links on RPAs, because I'll be damned if I'm not making sure you lot suffer the way I do.

Dear Scribes... WARNING! High Level Poo Content!
I often wonder about the residents of Manor Park. Since the GameCube has been somewhat lacking of Rare games lately (heh), and in the wait for Star Fox Adventures to hit our sunburnt shores, I've been dabbling in the odd game of Conker and PD to tide me over until Xmas time. Anyway, to the point. It baffles me to think how in the hell you got those poo sounds in CBFD sounding so... well, pooie. I mean, those are the most authentic poo sounds ever! What was the development cycle for the recording of the poo sounds? Hey Leigh, did they fill you up with lots of cheap curry and a few laxatives then forcibly lock you into a cubicle with a handy microphone right next to the bogs? And how did they make Conker's footsteps in poo sound so squishy and realistic? (Not saying that I measure the levels of squishiness on my daily trips to the bog, mind.) Did they get you to relieve yourself into one of those "6 special fillable sound recording holes in the floor" and then make you walk back over it? Come on, enlighten us! We need to know!
Ta Ta! Love always!

Rare Reply: Curry's not really my thing - give me the toilets of a reputable Chinese restaurant in which to be sick all over myself any day.
Straight from the horse's (well, BFD musician's) mouth: "I'm afraid they were all made-up sounds, except for the one real fart Mr. Seavor gave me when he was recording some speech one time." Nice.

Alright Scribe-guy, I've got a couple of questions for you:
1) Am I stupid for only just realising that that weird thing in your logo creates a 'R'? I first saw your logo when Donkey Kong Country came out and never noticed it...
2) Will you include "Extra Features" on your X-Box games (as Splinter Cell) with Making Ofs, trailer or demos? That would rule.
3) Did Nintendo do some kind of offer to get you to stay with the Cube?
4) Is it weird because I giggle everytime I hear or read Twycross? It just sounds funny.
5) PLEASE... Make a sequel to Blast Corps!
6) Is Kameo going to kick as much ass as it looks it will kick?
That's it, goodbye.

Rare Reply: 1) Have you noticed it also looks a bit like a slightly unravelled 3D toilet roll?
2) Dunno. Possible, I suppose, but we wouldn't want to scare anyone with close-up documentary footage of our staff.
3) Well, they did get 'first dibs', if that's what you mean.
4) Not nearly as funny as Sheepy Magna, Barton in the Beans or Norton Juxta Twycross - all within a few miles.
5) I'm sensing a flavour of the month here...
6) No. Twice as much.

You seem like a learned fellow. Answer me this...
Why do games developers these days insist on that abominable practice of locking up all the multiplayer features of a game and refusing to allow you access to them unless you complete ridiculously difficult or boring challenges? Why are you pandering to the few sad obsessive individuals who have the patience for this kind of thing? I only really bought Perfect Dark for the multiplayer experience, and found I had to wade through a whole bunch of pointless challenges to unlock all the maps. And there's never a button press cheat to unlock them if you can't be bothered to do it the monumentally boring way. I paid the same amount for that game as the aforementioned sad obsessive individual, so why shouldn't I be able to enjoy the same range of multiplayer features?

Rare Reply: Interesting point, but one that's easy to answer: we prefer to think of it as longevity. Replay value. There's nothing stopping you from enjoying the same range of features as everyone else if you're prepared to put some time into the game you paid for, as I'm sure the thousands of "sad obsessive individuals" out there who actually have some passion for the games they play would agree.
As PD's designer puts it: "The challenges do have a point. They unlock the various multiplayer features. And if you bought PD for the multiplayer alone, you never had to splash out for the Expansion Pak, did you?
"There are no button codes because we believe in people putting in the effort and earning things. Sorry (he lies)."

Dear Leigh, please try to find my uncle Tusky,
Could you maybe track him down? I'll help you, I'm a crack shot with a heavy tranquilizer gun, you know, the kind you can use on cattle? Here is the plan: we tranc him, then tie him up using the finest shrew pelts money can buy. From there we will take him to your comp, and leave him until the sedatives wear off. He is likely to become completely disoriented, and may forget that Tusk was temporarily taken down. If everything goes according to plan, we should have a nice little update that has nothing to do with anything other that Tusk saying "My head hurts" folowed by random letters and numbers as he vomits violently.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to hurt Tusk, I just crave the senseless violence my dear uncle always brings with him. My school, for the 900th time, has made my class take a conflict resolution class. Nothing makes me boil with rage quite like conflict resolution. All I could do to rebel was to take notes which only revealed parts of the counseler's sentence, making her say things like "start at the bottom and work your way up" followed by "don't get greedy" and "girls are the best at it". Oh, yes, I laughed... but did I cause her any physical pain? No. So, Please, help us harness the power of Tusk once again, so that he might clash blades with the these anti-violence baffons and free us from their chains of hemp rope.
Dave Roscoe

Rare Reply: Take him to my 'comp'? My comprehensive school? Why would we want to do that? The place already looked like it'd been sacked and pillaged by a posse of heavily-armed madmen back when I was there. Mind, it was never so rough that anyone felt we needed a 'conflict resolution class'. Kids these days.
I'm still halfheartedly attempting to follow Tusk's trail when I get a few spare minutes, but there's no sign of the private detective I sent to look for him last month. Well, no sign of most of him - two of his fingers and an ear arrived this morning. No postmark, either. Dammit.

Dear Scribes,
Hi, you may or may not know me, but, whatever the case, I'd just like to email you because... aww, because I want to appear on the site ;)
Actually, that's not all I want to say. I'm not going to ask about PDZ, as you (understandably) want to stay "hush hush" about it for now, and neither am I going to berate you for "changing sides", as a) I'm not a moron and b) I own an Xbox anyway :P
What I AM interested in is how much time, on average, do Rare's artists/designers/the funny guy with the moustache spend on designing the characters for your games (recent ones, that is)? Presumably Goldeneye was a bit of a no-brainer, but how about those in Perfect Dark / sequel and Kameo? I ask purely out of interest, and you can rest assured that I'll be able to find no use for it, but if you don't tell me I'll be having sleepless nights for... ooh, at least a week.
If you reply - Thanks! If you don't reply... er, get back to work, programming slaves! I want my entertainment ready on time!
*cracks whip*
Thanks ;)
Yann "yprbest" Best

Rare Reply: Sadly the funny guy with the moustache left years ago, so I've had to consult the old faithful GoldenEye/PD designer instead:
"As games become more complex, so the length of time it takes to make a character increases. Depending on the character, it takes roughly one to two weeks from concept to final model; obviously that's a large error margin, but sometimes the model goes through several iterations. The main character models are often the most trouble in that respect. GoldenEye had to have a little bit of thought put into it - Bond's outfits are different in particular locations (e.g. snow suit, jungle fatigues, tuxedo, combat outfit) which meant we had to make new character models and textures for each of the outfits, and we had to go through the film to find a good shot of that exact costume to model; if there wasn't a suitable outfit there, we had to go back through several other Bond films and reference material to find what we were after. Jo's wardrobe in PD was a more open design exercise, but followed the same kind of brief (lab disguise, wet suit, evening wear, ripped evening wear, combat suit). It was also open to more criticism and review since there was no finished character to base the model or outfits on."

Dear Scribes,
I've noticed most of your letters are a bit long, so I'll cut right to the chase. Do you know who composed the music in Rare's 8-bit games (specifically the Wizards and Warriors trilogy and Battletoads)? Man, those games have some SWEET music. I would really like to know what have those musicians been up to all this years.
Thanks a bunch,

Rare Reply: You may have heard tell of a Mr. D. Wise, perhaps more widely-known for his work on DKC, Diddy Kong Racing and Star Fox Adventures. He's your man for tuneage in Battletoads and W&W, amongst others.

Dear Scribes,
I must say seeing a bunch of tigers doing the "Haka" in the Kameo movie on your site really made me chuckle... the only thing that would have made it better was if they were sheep doing it, cause we all know how those Kiwis love their sheep, hehe. Is the Haka going to make it to the final release... just to see that alone is almost worth buying the game.
I hope it is not too long before you do a Conker game. I bought my N64 just so I could play CBFD and I will most likely buy an XBox for the same reason.
Kameo's 18lb boots prove difficult to lift Keep making good games, don't the one machine loyalists get ya down.

Rare Reply: I hope you're not trying to rob the good people back in dear old Wales of their reputation as Top International Sheep-Fanciers. We'll fight the New Zealanders for that honour if necessary - only about 23 people live there, after all.
The designer of Kameo claims that while the Haka might not make it into the game fully intact, elements of it will definitely influence the characters' war dances. That good enough for you?

Dear Scribes,
In the final cutscene of Star Fox Adventures, Krystal reclaims her staff and starts doing a little pointless shooting. When Fox and his crew are all back together on the Great Fox, I noticed Fox mysteriously has reclaimed the staff in his backpack. Did Fox hop back to Dinosaur Planet for a quickie with Krystal, steal her staff, and then leave when she was asleep so they didn't get a chance "to talk"? Or, did the computer programmer from Conker mysteriously place the staff back in Fox's pack just to make everyone still know he had some power? Or, even further, did Slippy attempt to murder Krystal, out of his jealous rage because of Fox's love for her, and instead stole her staff and gave it to Fox as a love gift?
Matt M.

Rare Reply: More importantly, are you Daredevil, Man Without Fear?
Let's see what elaborate explanation the team have for this one. Brace yourselves for vacuum-sealed logic:
"None of the above. It was late. We were tired. Just leave it. Okay? Could you honestly not think of a better question than this?"

Dear Mr. Loveday,
Last week you mentioned one or two ideas bouncing around regarding Mr. Pants, so I went and invited Mr. Duncan Botwood over and got him drunk on some Southern Comfort (it didn't take very much, mind). Along with his usual drunken blabber, he mentioned having ditched his MMORPG in favour of a Perfect Dark-esque off-shoot; Perfect Pants Zero.
I believe the plot goes along the lines of Daniel Carrington getting his own back on the cartoon world that Joanna seems to have gone to, by hiring 2D's premier mascot; Mr. Pants. Or Agent Dark Pants to you.
Oh, and let Botters know he left this 'proof' round at mine.
Martin "Alf-Life" Badowsky

Rare Reply: I'd never do something so low as making fun of Botters in front of all these people. And I certainly wouldn't mention that time we got him so drunk that by his own admission it took him four days to recover.

Dear Sir:
I have loved the web site that you maintain ever since I first saw it - two years ago. Scribes never made much sense to me, until I read the little tidbits of double-meanings, the unique fan art, and the wonderful spirit that Scribes is.
Rare has always been a company, since Goldeneye that has been in my heart - partially due to the fact that none of the games ever to be released by you guys were ever disastrous - they have been breathtaking. Furthermore, I wish to say that this Christmas - is the Fifth Anniversary of Goldeneye's crazy Christmas season.
Because of this, I wish to share a little story with the Scribes. Back in 1997, I consistently rented Goldeneye and loved it. The trouble was, whenever I went to go purchase the fine game that it was, and still is for that matter - I would come up short, and find sold out shelves. Eventually, I told everyone that I knew that if they could find that game for me, somehow or another, it would be an interesting holiday season indeed. So, everyone I knew went looking for it... in many different towns. Eventually, one person found it - and there were only two copies left, one was reserved - the other, I was given.
The game was simply marvelous. I played it for a long time. I always loved it, and eventually I got other people together to play it, and we had a simply smashing time.
I wish to thank your company for, so long ago, taking the time to make a game that will never be forgotten - even if we have to emulate it ten years from now.
Because I remember the game so fondly, I have assembled a simply marvelous collage of GE screen shots, compiled them, and made it into a Christmas Card. I've also, at the bottom, put where I downloaded the images from, to give them credit.
Well, I just though I would put this here, to prove that even though Rare is on XBOX, they shall make games that we won't soon forget!
Best wishes to all of you. Have a good holiday! :-)
Mike "M:\>" Decker
PS - I will be playing a four-player match against friends this holiday season. Then, the memory will be complete.

Rare Reply: It's so cute the way you describe our selection of rotten RPAs as "unique fan art" and endless repetition of the word 'arse' as "little tidbits of double-meanings". Bless you.
Hopefully, as you say, there are plenty more classics yet to come from the Rare stable, as the recent change of platform hardly compromises the talent of our staff or the determination to make memorable games that brought them here in the first place. Thanks for having faith in us, thanks for the story, and of course thanks for the card. It's a bit rubbish, but the thought was there, and it's very much appreciated.
And with that all-too-brief display of humanity over, let's get cracking on these stupid bloody Snippets. Look, man, there's millions of them...


I hope you can find some way to answer my question. I was wondering how the developing team for Perfect Dark got the face specs for the simulants in the game because one looks very similar to a person that I know.

Rare Reply: Yes! It was him! Well done. Dave, wasn't it? Or Mike? No, hang on - Phil.

I'm STILL waiting for Mire Mare to come out on the Spectrum, it's only been - ooh - sixteen years now. These whippersnappers whinging about game delays don't know they're born if you ask me...

Rare Reply: Sadly, we've had to delay Mire Mare to Q3 of the 22nd century.

This one time, at band camp, I took a tuba...

Rare Reply: ...and STUCK IT UP YOUR BOTTOM. Yes?

I just wanded to ask a quick question. Will the same guy(s?) who wrote the music to Perfect Dark, the Banjo series, and Jet Force Gemini be writing the music to your later works? If so, I will be a very happy gamer. I love his (their?) work. Long Live "Alien Conflict"!
A Content Gamer in Michigan

Rare Reply: They're not the same person, but yes, they're both still on board.

Who was that safari dude on the ice level of Banjo-Tooie? My friend told me that he was from a failed game called 40 Winks, and due to his vast knowledge in the category of video games I decided to accept his remark.
Metroid 444

Rare Reply: Downgrade 'vast' to 'utterly unreliable'.

My keyboard doesn't work.
Tyler Prevost

Rare Reply: Bummer. Lucky you managed to type this before you found out.

I'm a Gamecube gamer and I think we don't need you. You are the biggest ass of this world. Nintendo is 100 times better than you.
p.s. Joanna for the box showed very bad and gay.

Rare Reply: I'm laughing too hard to take offence.

I think if you do another Bond game you should include a level fighting Madonna the fencing instructor. Not only would you attract Bond fans but Madonna fans too. Trust me this idea will work.
The Happy Little Elf


Me and all my friends agree that Goldeneye should be remade on the X-box! It would be "wick-a-mondo"!

Rare Reply: Don't ever say anything like that outside inverted commas.

In a drug-induced haze, the makers of Dead or Alive are creating a game in which the characters from the fighting game play volleyball. You should follow this up by making a game in which the cast of Killer Instinct plays miniature golf. It'd be great, but keep Dennis Rodman far away.

Rare Reply: In a moment of hideous self-revelation, I realised I'd probably buy that.

Can you do something about Joanna in time for PD Zero? She's far too bloody thin. Put some meat on the girl will you. Think Sophie Dahl in the Opium advert. And lose the flat shoes, right.

Rare Reply: How do you know we aren't replacing the famous PD cheese with packets of lard?

I'm working on a RPA... but this includes getting my flatmate very drunk... so that he will put on a bowler and these enormous red Y-fronts I have... he has the body of Mr. Pants!!!! I don't... (sobs)

Rare Reply: There there. Not everyone can be an irresistible underpant Adonis.

I remember you saying you had set up a 'look a like' section on Rare's intranet space... and I was just wondering who you set for Duncan Botwood? From the very few pictures I've seen I'd say a mixture of Barry Evans and Chris Moyles. Though I could be wrong.
Martin "Alf-Life" Badowsky

Rare Reply: Fish out of Marillion, obviously. Duncan fails to appreciate either comparison.

anyway im skint now and i got to get an xbox, ill probably have to sell my house but who cares as long as i have kameo, ill live in a tent.

Rare Reply: Very noble of you - just don't block any public footpaths, you scabby tramp.

If Killer Instinct 3 EVER gets made, I dare you to change Orchid into a wrinkled, pants-wearing 3-ton tank with a hairy lip. I DARE YOU (KI3 team)!!!
Jacob B.

Rare Reply: Playing miniature golf? That's too erotic to even contemplate...

I have taken you up on the "25 second picture" thing.
Now, I don't want to depress you. In fact, I respect you and your intellect.
In any case, here is an ARSE WITH LEGS!
The Mighty Johnny Baboon

Rare Reply: Actually, Joanna's contribution renders it genuinely entertaining.

Now that you're on Xbox, will all your female characters still have large breasts, or were extra-large mammaries trademarked by Nintendo?

Rare Reply: Big up the old skool. In answer to your question: let's hope so, eh?