It's the stupid Rare letters page! Send us your mail! We'll use it as toilet paper! Oh, hang on - it's email.

JULY 11, 2003

Dear Scribes,
     Oh no, Mr. Pants has gone wild, and he's been caught on tape! Call now and get your copy of Pants Gone Wild to witness all of the hot Pants action that he never wanted you to see! And to make things more exciting, Mr. Trout will join in on Mr. Pants' crazy antics and they'll do things like you've never imagined! Well, unless you're some kind of pervert that enjoys thinking about obese stick figures in red underwear making whoopee with a large fish wearing a pork pie hat. Yes. Okay, I think I'll go back to picking my nose in a corner now.

Hell of a way to welcome back our loyal readers, I thought. However, if Mr. Trout rubbing his scaly fish-chin against the small of Mr. Pants' back is the most extreme and uninhibited thing we can hope to see, I think we might be saving our pennies. And what's with the fluctuating nipples?

Mr. Feather thing,
     YOU'RE ALIVE!!! And even better, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE GBA!!! (Dang caps lock...) So, how come Nintendo Power says that Grunty's Revenge has been canceled? Are they assuming that because you were sold and therefore canceled your projects?
     Whatever... as long as it'll come out before the USA becomes a dictatorship. Good luck on the X-Box, even though I'm not buying one solely on your products. Wait... I wasn't supposed to say that. Ah well.
     P.S. Why not make a Weakest Link game?

No idea why Nintendo Power would say that. Are you sure they didn't just mean that the chances of Nintendo publishing it were cancelled? Because the game itself will be released just as soon as the new publishing deal is finalised.
     PS Would you want to be given the job of digitising Anne Robinson?

To Mr Scribes Dude (are you that feather?),
     Well, first things first. I thought you guys had sold your souls to the devil (you know who) and would never do another Scribes again, having become money-grubbing British pig-dogs. But, joy, I see another issue of Scribes on the site, and lo and behold, Rare is as good as it ever was! It's things like you not going all "This is a site. We make games. This is what we do. Go away and buy our games." roboticism that makes me want to fall in love with you guys all over again! And so... I had to send the dreaded numbered set of questions!! Aaahahahahahaha!
     1: What. Have you done... with the Kremlings? Is K-Rool the big N's to do with as they see fit? Are you going to put the croc-dudes in CBFD2? or are they never to be seen again, only to surface in Nintendo history pages and cheezy porn sites? (And I'm NOT kidding about that.)
     2. Pleeeeeeeeeease put the old Dino Planet MP3s back up? Pleeeease? It's not like you don't have the webspace... -gives an offering of Chewits-
     3: What did you do to Joanna?! She's so... Anime! O.o Last I heard, you guys were based in Twycross. Or did you hook the whole HQ up to a chopper and fly the building to Osaka?
     4: KI. We know you'll do another KI someday, so how's about a "gallery" mode a la Soul Calibur where we can look at funky renders (or models, if you go 3D) of all the characters that were ever in the series and read info on their backstory, etc. when you do make said game? And I will hold Mr. Pants hostage and drown him in a vat of boiling chicken gravy if I don't see Riptor in some shape or form!
     Hmm... I'd think of more questions, but I have a headache and need to go to sleep. Yay for three in the morning.

1) K. Rool and the Kremlings were part of the DKC world, so they're being looked after by Nintendo now. We're hoping they've got a nice big fence to keep that Steve Irwin maniac out.
     2) This isn't Uncle Tusk's page, boy - your Chewits will meet with only apathy here.
     3) Iikagen ni shiro yo.
     4) He'd like that. Anyway, I don't think there'd ever be much chance of Ken Lobb letting us leave out Riptor.
     Nothing wrong with three in the morning, mate. That's when I usually do my shopping. There's bugger all on the shelves, but hey! At least you don't have to deal with, you know, people.

Dear Dear,
     Questions have I to ask of thee, they number not sixteen, but three.
     And here they come, those questions three, flushed freshly, from lavatory.
     1) Grabbed by the Ghoulies is a game I'd love to own,
     Tell me when you plan to port it to my Vodafone?
     2) The screenshots of this game are ace - especially number six,
     I particularly like the gay lead guy, who clearly grabs the Ghoulies' d*cks.
     3) I lied about the question count, you see I asked just two,
     And one of those a question wasn't - more a point of view (or 'pile of poo').
     I must now quit,

Your toilet-originated queries have inspired the head of the Ghoulies team himself...
     "1) With buttons tiny and screen so small, on mobile phone you'd see arse all.
     "So for now on Xbox it stays, but who can tell for future days?
     "2) Evidence of this we do not see, so on this point we must disagree.
     "Cooper has his Amber girlfriend, discussion now is at an end.
     "3) A smashing attempt at a bit of rhyme, but questions like 2 really waste our time.
     Farewell to you, Njoinit, even though you're a bit of a twit."

Dear Scribes,
     I feel that in order to have this question answered in Scribes, I need to speak my mind and say something that no one on Earth has ever said before. Ever.
     The cranky octopus, madly in love with a drunken three-toed Australian fire-breathing whore, shoved the idol of Jim Carrey (created from a 57" pickle and 4 wooden screws) into the pale abyss of Rosie O'Donnell after deliberately eating his 15th coconut in Lenin's tomb without even asking for permission from Ryan the Soothsaying Midget or his master, a jar of sweetened condensed mayonnaise.
     With that out of the way, why do you continue to be so dry-witted and dare I say angry with us Perfect Dark lovers? We can't help our undying love for Joanna, and have already been patient for three years now. All this time there's been VERY little word on what we could expect to see, and what was made available for us was made void when you made the switch to X-Box.
     So here's the deal; you write all you can tell me about the Perfect Dark: Zero game - maybe a ROUGH estimation on when we can expect to see it (like the year 2005), if you're actually making progress towards the title, maybe an idea or two being tossed around the office, etc. - and I'll never email you with another disturbing (but original) statement again.
     Your avid fan,
     Jesus Christ

     PS. My threats are real. Failure to reply to this email will result in... another email.

Whoa there, Jesus! No need to get down and heavy. What can we say? Yes, it's on the way; yes, it's making progress; yes, there are ideas being tossed around on a daily basis; no, we're not ready to show it to you just yet. Rough estimates would be a bad idea, as they always end up doing more harm than good. Though that might be because we delay everything. Arsenecks!

Dear High-Profile Software Company That's A Part of Microsoft Game Studios:
     Here's a serious question for the guys behind the curtain. In all honesty, are you a little upset that Nintendo is porting Donkey Kong Country to the Game Boy Advance on their own? I mean, you guys just ported it two years ago to Game Boy Color, right? I know that Nintendo is DKC's legal guardian, but you'll always be that baby's daddy. Do you just look at the screenshots, shake your head, and say, "that's not what we would have done. Why did they put the spinning golden KONG letters from DKC2 and DKC3 in the game? This is DKC, and without the stationary golden KONG letters, the game is wrecked!"
     Anyway, does anyone feel a little sad that a game that will always be your own is being remade into something you didn't do, or do you look at it as "hey! We get to take credit for something we didn't even do! Schwing!"

Not applicable, Slushville. As you and many others have probably realised by now, we did convert it to the GBA - hence all that talk about our continued working relationship with Nintendo. We might be leaving the publicity and advertising up to the Big N, but we're by no means denying our involvement.
     As for those of you writing in to demand we follow it up with GBA DKC2 (and 3) - well, you never know, do you?

Do Not Be Ashamed to Tell the Truth,
     Hello Mr. Loveday. My friend and I made a bet on whether or not you look back into the toilet after you take a poo. The winner buys the other one Kameo the day it comes out. My position was that you do only if it hurt coming out, as opposed to only if it came out easy. Please tell me I'm a winner, as I am in need of a self-esteem boost and an X-Box. By the way, my friend's little brother came up with the bet. I only ask because the stakes are so high. Bless your soul, my good fellow.
     Best Regards,
     The Rareware Fan out the Flesh
     P.S. Please don't post my e-mail address in the response. Much obliged.

Some things should never be discussed in public - even amongst the British, who are of course known for their toilet fixation. So I'm afraid I can't answer that question. Nevertheless, tell your friend's little brother he has great things ahead of him. (Though I'm not sure why would someone be more likely to look if it hurt - to see if there were any nails or bits of broken glass in it?)

Dear Wonderful, Wizardly Scribes,
     Here's what happened the other day. I was happily and innocently re-enjoying the gaming masterpiece that is Banjo-Tooie, when it hit me like a ton of bricks (no, I didn't realise that the only place Kazooie can go to the bathroom is Banjo's knapsack). But I did realise to my utmost disbelief and horror that THERE IS NOT A SINGLE TREE ANYWHERE IN THIS GAME! No leafed tree, palm tree, pine tree: no tree of any kind! While fumbling with my controller in disbelief, I even checked Spiral Mountain which had trees in Banjo-Kazooie. But not now -- even though it's the same darn place! Now I don't know if this is some huge conspiracy *shudders* or some practical joke which you devilishly planted to see how long it would take us to notice, but we don't want to hear something like "The trees went extinct because of Gruntilda's evil forces" or "Gobi the Camel went to the Lava World and couldn't water them any more". So unless you want this to keep gnawing at our minds every time we play or even think of this jewel of gaming, it would be quite wise to explain this.
     Mr. Banjo Donkey Your Biggest Fan In The Whole Wide World
     P.S. Arse, Chewits, Mr. Pants... and anything else I've forgotten.

I passed this one to the Banjo team, who in turn hustled it along to their resident interior designer - Mrs. Bottles!
     "Ooooh! Hello dearie, so nice to hear from someone. I've been listening to that awful party music for nearly three years now! When are those naughty boys at Rare going to make another lovely adventure for Bottles to go and have some fun in? Oh, you want to know about trees? They're so out of fashion, dearie. So Banjo-Kazooie. Rocks and stone is where it's at now, darling."

Dear Scribes,
     I am a current PS2 user. I love the games available, Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven is the best. Why are you looking at me like that? I know I'm writing to RARE. As I was saying, PS2 rocks! But I would trade it all, all of it; the console, the 15 games, the multi-tap, and the extra console out the window, if I can hear those magical words "KI3 for the Xbox". That's all I need to hear, make it official people!

KI3 for the Xbox? Does it count if I put a question mark at the end?

Dear Scribes,
     I beg, nay, implore you to spread word of my good fortune. The people must know that GoldenEye (GE) and Perfect Dark (PD) are to be played with the Controller set to "Solitaire" (PD = "1.2"), Auto-Aim "Off". Oh, the hours (years) of joy that this off-path wisdom has brought me!
     It is bane to me, as well. Surely, most follow the road of the default Controller settings, entirely unaware they have Nirvana so near at hand. Unknowingly, they propagate the lesser form of play in the muse of those who forge the consoles and those who script the games. It must be! For the present-generation Controllers have regressed (from N64), and there are none other FPS games of great merit (due to control issues). It fills my heart with woe to read yet another review that observes "... the game lacks precise control, which is to be expected from console FPS's ...".
     I have seen it with mine own eyes! Felt it with mine own hands! When mastered properly, GE and PD have the most precise control, with fluid, satisfying action, to be preferred, even, over the cumbersome mouse-and-keyboard method the PC'ers cite as superior. THEY JUST DON'T KNOW!
     Please, Scribes, help me lift the curse. If not for this generation, then for the next. The people must replay GE and PD in "Solitaire" and become enlightened, and then spread word of their transcendence. They must want more, so that there will be more.
     (Or I shall be forced to seal-up a refurbished N64 with GE and PD, in order that they may be re-opened as "new" and "brilliant" to cast light in the dark times to come.)
     The Sundown Kid

There you go. If only we still had the Forum with its 'very interesting' thread about different ways of playing Rare games, eh? No, not really - it was mostly a load of rubbish about monkeys, arsecheeks and making it look like Bond had done a big fart.
     Have some wise words from GoldenEye's designer.
     "The default controls are often the best ones to use to play the game. If you're used to a particular setup from another game, however, you will find you get the best results with a control setup that is closest to your favourite; when I play Halo I use the ‘Legacy' controls with the second stick inverted, and I had terrible trouble when I first played Splinter Cell until I got my head around the control layout.
     "Personally, I found the best control system for GoldenEye was the 2.1 dual analogue, 2 controller setup based on the default setting. It suits the way I prefer to play the game, i.e. stealthily. But the main thing is for the player not to feel like they are fighting the controls to achieve the effect that they want."

Hello Scribes,
     I have 5 questions:
     1) I may have got the name slightly wrong, but will Conker's Pizza Adventure for PC ever make a comeback? Please....?
     2) What does RARE stand for?
     3) In Perfect Dark, in comparison with Danny Devito, just how tall would Elvis be in real life? 1.5 Danny's or 2?
     4) How cool is it to know you have made some of the best ever games... ever... ever, and that you are now making new games that will be known as best games ever in years to come?
     5) Will you reply to this rather poor excuse of a letter?
     Bye, Bye,

1) You seem to have problems with not only the name, but also the format and history of your imaginary product.
     2) Nothing - it's an anagram of ARSE that went horribly wrong due to vodka interference.
     3) Over to Botters! "Now this is what I call a proper question. And it demands a proper answer. Pity."
     4) It'd be cooler if people didn't keep telling us that by moving to a new platform we've automatically gone crap, and everything good that we've done before is suddenly null and void.
     5) Now that you mention it, I probably shouldn't bother, but I'm too lazy to deal with the layout repercussions of deleting it.

Dear Scribes,
     Okay, maybe I'm just too dumb to find it, but I haven't seen the coveted Mr. Pants "Please Leave" pic ever since you changed your site around. Whatupwitdat? I have decided that the best way to get my hands on that pic would be to make comments against your company, thus making you want to give me the coveted prize.
     Here I go *reads cue cards*:
     1. What's the deal with highlighting the names of your games in Light Green? I mean, if you're going to do that, why wouldn't you also make the words link to the game's web-page? Pretty stupid :D
     2. No Blast Corps sequel? What's up with that? Utilizing the XBox's brilliant power, you could like have like six nuclear warheads instead of two, thus making a much better looking explosion. But you'd go and make it so nothing happens when you get all platinums again. Fools :D
     3. *looks down at cue cards* Oh yeah, Star Fox Adventures sucked :D
     4. Kevin Spacey? :D
     5. (I can feel them tremble, time for the kill blow) What are the push-button codes for Perfect Dark? :D
     6. You still don't want to give me the "Please Leave" award? Okay, I've got one more insult. In Jetpac, when you are at the edge of a level, an enemy can suddenly appear without warning and kill you. I find this to be shoddy work. FOR SHAME, ULTIMATE :D
     Greg Head
     P.S. Is Nintendo making Donkey Kong Racing?

I won't be forced into handing out the treasured Please Leave award to any old thug, but I will present a special variation in honour of your name. Enjoy.
     We resent the allegation that nothing happens when you get all the platinum medals - you know very well what happens. You just weren't prepared for its unconventional approach to the accepted notion of 'reward'. And as for the Jetpac thing, well, I find that to be a matter of shoddy reflexes. Overall I give your reflexes 4/10, and your failed master plan 3/10.

Dear Scribes,
     I'm just wondering why you all go through the trouble of telling all the kids to stay away from Conker's Bad Fur Day and even label that the game is loaded with bad manners, racy innuendo, and strong language, yet you all still censored f--k. What's up with that? Hopefully, you'll go all out on Live and Uncut and not bleep out anything but maybe real people's identities or something.
     Anyway, you guys rock, keep up your best work!
     Ben Graham

Are you The Thing?
     The way I see it, Conker's BFD was loaded with bad manners, racy innuendo, and strong language, but in terms of consumer backlash it
was better to bleep the strongest swearwords than leave them in. That way most of the impact was retained, while making it difficult for those overly sensitive factions of society that we all know and love to kick off some tedious moral uproar.
     Having said that, it remains to be seen which way things swing in Live & Uncut...

Dear Rare team,
     Currently I'm playing the fantastic Star Fox Adventures on Nintendo GameCube. I enjoy this game very much, but I do have a big problem. I've completed the game around 80% and I'm now at the scene where I have to destroy the 4 towers by flying on the little dinosaur and I just can't make it. I've already tried for hours and have managed to destroy three towers, but I can make the fourth.
     Is there any way to pass through this scene, as I would hate to just stop this game after having played so much.
     I hope you can help with this!
     Best Regards,

     Ruediger Zuber

This is more Tusk's department, but seeing as there's still no sign of the big old bugger I might as well just ask the SFA team leader on his behalf.
     "Sorry, but there's not much help I can give you. To destroy the fourth tower you just need to be good and not get hit! Here's a little bit of advice - don't move the aiming target all around the extremes of the screen, keep it concentrated on the centre area. Also, when you first see the missiles come out of the towers, blast as many as you can when they are far away and at any opportunity shoot the tower itself. Keep pressing the fire button as fast as you can and you should do it. Though if you think this bit of blasting action is hard then there's more to come when you meet the boss of Dragon Rock…"

Dear Scribes,
     I would like to say congrats on a terrific E3. Even with the absence of Ms. Dark, it still was an excellent showing. I can't wait to play the updated Conker, that I think was the best game you had at E3. Kameo looks fantastic and Grabbed by the Ghoulies looks like it will be a great game (it would be nice of you to send me some demos).
     Now that I got that out of the way I just have a few suggestions:
     1. Killer Instinct Online
2. Jet Force Gemini 2
     3. Rare All-Stars Kart Racing Online (Xbox All-Stars would be nice then you could have Master Chief and Brutus and some of the DOA girls)
     4. Battletoads Online
     5. A game that follows the exploits of an anthropomorphic female skunk. This could possibly be a good platformer.
     6. An RPG, not sure who you could use but I know if you guys did this it would kick major booty. A MMORPG would be even better.
     Thank you for reading my mindless dribble.

Anthropomorphic female skunk platformer! NOT IMMEDIATELY APPARENT GENIUS.
     Considering the definite online slant to your suggestions, it's hardly surprising that Conker was your pick of the show. I just hope you haven't opened a brand new can of worms with the three simple words Killer Instinct Online.

Dear Scribes,
     I've been a long time Rare supporter but I have to ask WTF is up with Grabbed by the Ghoulies? Conker Live & Uncut, Kameo Elements of Power, & Perfect Dark sequel are all good news but shouldn't you release an Xbox game that has a strong reputation?
     I mean if you release GBTG first, I highly doubt anyone would buy that. That game should be the 4th one released. Perfect Dark should be the last because you have to compete with Halo 2, Half-Life 2, & Doom 3 now. Are you forced to change Perfect Dark's gameplay mechanics? Can you tell me what order the games are going to come out in? Is Kameo coming out first?
     Also note the majority of Xbox owners are over 21+ so that's almost 11 million of us, the other 2 million are teenagers. Also cel-shaded games don't sell well with the exception of JSRF/Zelda:WW. The millions out there flopped.
     Thanks for your time.
     T.E. 7

"Cel-shaded games don't sell well, except the good ones." I like your argument. Believe it or not, Ghoulies happens to be a good game, and I'm not sure cel-shaded is really the right term for it anyway.
     Don't get me wrong, I can see where you're coming from and of course we're not giving up entirely on established franchises - the current (known) line-up is half established and half original. It just so happens that Ghoulies will be the first to launch. Remember, KI Gold and Blast Corps were our first releases on N64 before the big guns of Diddy Kong Racing and GoldenEye came out. And popular franchises have to arise from somewhere. You'd complain just as much if we spent the next ten years churning out nothing but Banjo sequels.

Dear Scribes,
     I'm one of your fellow followers from Italy. Probably the only one, but I guess it's better this way - or not? This letter has no particular meaning, but I felt the urge to send you this picture, showing one of my friends during her life's most important day: the day of her marriage. Please, do not mind the snowboarding mole on the lower right corner of the pic, he was just passing by. Yes, he has a snowboard, but sadly it doesn't show.
     Best regards,

You're right, it's definitely better this way. Do all moles look like Sean Penn in Italy?

Dear Scribes,
     I've sent this again cos I just realised I mispelled 'croc'. Don't worry, I'm not a psycho. Honest.
     This question relates to Donkey Kong Country on the SNES, so find a suitable fossilised employee. In one of the levels, I found a gold croc with a green star and a white B in it. Has anyone ever found this before, and more importantly, what does it do? If no-one has a sodding clue that's OK.
     PS. I couldn't be arsed to check all these archived SNES sites to see if anyone had found it.

Neither can I, but it's easy enough to forward your mail to the game's designer.
     "Everything's okay then, because we genuinely haven't got a sodding clue. If it's a good feature then we'll claim it was put in there deliberately, but if you think it's crap then obviously it's a bug."

Dear Mr. Pants Senior,
     Well, I've had a gander at your new stuff, and I must say I'm impressed. So impressed, in fact, I'm actually going to get a job and start saving for one of these. Compliments aside, I have a question - is Mr Pants in this? Think of the opportunities. It could be a decoy. You're aiming your sniper rifle at the guy making off with your flag, and suddenly - DUDE! He's in his undies! Even better, you could have him run around, and when you shout something into the headset Mr. Pants shouts it too. There is no way anybody is going to aim a gun right when there's a half-naked man running around shouting "I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN AND YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!" or pretending to be a Nigerian who wants your money. Either way, when there are already evil Hitlerteddies and rampaging rodents about the place a man in red Y-fronts and a bowler hat couldn't hurt. What do you think?

Actually, I think I'm just going to post your letter here and see how much weight your opinion carries with the Conker team programmers.

Dear Scribes: Satan has my soul and I need your help.
     I was just talking to Satan the other day and you guys seemed to come up in our conversation. You see, I was playing a match of 'pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey' to see if I could win my soul back. I lost it in a bet. I told him that you guys would revive one of your greatest games on the Xbox (no, not Jeopardy), Jet Force Gemini.
     I said "if Rareware revives this game with up-to-date graphics and great dynamic lighting, then it will no doubt be a top seller." Then I had to open my fat mouth and say "I bet you my soul that this game will come out before the end of Xbox's reign."
     Being the Devil and all, he could not refuse. What I didn't know at that time was that he was hiding his true power. He could tell what will happen in the future by looking at his reflection. Just then, he whipped out a mirror and shouted "Mirror Mirror on the wall, let us see Rareware's future and all". To my surprise, it was that Rare Timeline in the year 2008, with sadly no visible evidence that you have made a remake of Jet Force Gemini with up-to-date graphics and great dynamic lighting.
     He then turned to me and said, "well little pathetic man, you are wrong" (in the voice of Chewbacca's dad from the Star Wars Holiday Special. It was a bit hard to understand, but I got the message).
     He then took my soul and here I am, playing 'pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey' trying to win it back so I don't have to spend the rest of my life in eternal damnation. Anyways, I was reading the book Getting Your Soul Back for Dummies while I was crapping on the toilet and came across this sentence. "To get your soul back, all you have to do is prove Satan wrong." So it got me thinking. To get my soul back, all you have to do is remake Jet Force Gemini with up-to-date graphics and great dynamic lighting. So please save me from the wrath of Saddam's good friend Lucifer, and remake one of my favorite N64 games Jet Force Gemini with up-to-date graphics and great dynamic lighting.
     Please be my savior,

Now that's a hell of a roundabout way of saying "make JFG 2". Especially when you know exactly what the answer's going to be, i.e. "we might". Though to be honest it's more like "we might not" these days, what with most of the original team gone (and most of those permanently afflicted with a severe twitch at the sound of the JFG opening music).
     Anyway, if we ever did bring back JFG, would you really prefer us to just revamp the original rather than come up with any new content? We're getting enough flak from idiots for daring to make the original Bad Fur Day part of Conker: Live & Uncut.

Cheers you porridge eating twits!
     Something unbelievable occurred recently that I felt I must communicate to you. A fellow I know has constructed a number of tiny cardboard replicas of the GoldenEye levels from Perfect Dark and he uses these small models to formulate strategies and locate firing points. The level of detail is rather low, but the layout of the levels has been translated quite effectively, allowing for a great degree of success in respect to the lines of fire and points of ingress. I was wondering if during the planning stages of the games Perfect Dark and GoldenEye, did you construct similar models to allow for an effective planning process or did you simply do it all on computers?
     Oh and on another note, I believe that it is absolutely essential that any subsequent FPS you design include internet based multiplayer.
     Mr. Copyrighted Kong
     P.S. If the coming PD sequel does not include a secret Mr. Pants multiplayer character I shall continue to write in my absurd imitation of a British accent for the rest of my Scribes messaging career.

Now that is scary. The cardboard models, I mean, not the rubbish British accent. And extra credibility points for using the phrase "a fellow I know" instead of "my friend". Now let's put it to that surly old designer...
     "No. We did it all in our heads. And in my experience of multiplayer console games, particularly those with a split screen, lines of fire tend to be found whenever you see anyone else rather than at specific background locations. But hey! Whatever floats your boat."

Dear Rare,
     I heard the news that you guys were making another Conker game. That's bomb ass! I was wondering though if it will be a "Live only" multiplayer game. I think it would be cool if you guys could also do what you did in BFD and make it possible to fight against the computer AI in split-screen and system link. My friends and I had some good times fighting against these guys in Einstein setting. I think by doing this Conker: Live and Uncut could be one of the best multiplayer games out there for everyone, including people like me, who can't get Xbox Live because I live in a rural area. Damn my location! I think you guys can even beat Halo's split screen and system link play cause Conker kicks ass. If you can do this, then you guys kick ass.

Do we kick bomb ass? We won't even consider it unless you confirm that we kick bomb ass.
     According to the team leader, the current situation is "Live only, sorry. Having AI in a Live game is a contradiction in terms. You'll just have to get your hick ass out of the woods, or the arctic or wherever the hell you're from, and get online."

Dear Scribes,
     Can we assume that the increase in the number of PD and PD Zero related comments that have been allowed to filter through onto the Scribes pages indicate a nearing of the time when any actual solid, useful information about the most eagerly awaited game since Horace Goes Skiing II is actually due to be released to the currently ignorant gamebuying public? I ask partly because the sooner you do, the sooner I can start building a "Perfect Dark Zero - The Sequel" website before anyone else does.
     As Mick Jagger would say "I Can't Get No Satisfaction..." - at the moment I feel like I'm watching a Carry On movie - Wendy Richards might flash her boobs for 5 seconds but we never actually get to see anything worthy of a late-nite Channel 5 sex documentary (you know what I'm talking about, you pervs).
     And for those of you in any doubt, the above paragraph is a metaphor for info on PD0... honest.
     On another note - I'm not alone in the world as someone who objects strongly to the complete and utter lack of meaningless video-game violence directed against the following animals - 1. Seagulls (they had the right idea with MGS but didn't take it far enough), 2. Pigeons and 3. Magpies. I'm thinking a level sneaked into Starfox where you have to shoot down whole bloody swarms of the dog-poo-and-vomit eating winged vermin, preferably using phased-plasma/particle-beam phalanx-batteries, limited-yield tactical nuclear missiles and a mucking great rotary-barrelled shotgun.
     What is being done to meet the needs of those such as I? I can understand the need to be discriminate in targeting species for outrageous acts of genocide, but surely you could squeeze a bit in, even if it is only on the one level.
     I, of course, realise that the sheer maginitude of the bird-related murder I am suggesting might offend some but quite frankly I couldn't give a flock. Please do something about it.
     Rich (Tricky) While-Cooper
     P.S. Please put this on Scribes as I want to have something on your message board even more than I wanted to get a Jim'll Fix It medal for being allowed onto the set of Space 1999. Ta.

Now then now then, jingle jangle jewellery jewellery, let's have a look at these lovely seagulls blam blam etc.
     No comprehensive PD Zero blowout just yet, as you can see. Yes, you're right about there being a fair degree of anticipation - though you do us too much honour with the Horace Goes Skiing II comparison - and we don't want to show something that we're not 100% happy with or a build of the game that might change drastically before release. For now, you know it's on the way, and that'll have to be enough.
     Pigeons are just stupid. They don't need to be specifically targeted, they're easily capable of becoming extinct on their own. Magpies, though - I had to live with what seemed like hundreds of the vicious buggers nesting outside my window while I was at university, and I lay the blame entirely at their door for the rapid deterioration of my Macbeth essay into such a big sack of arse.

Dear Scribes,
     As this delicious RPA proves, not only am I wishing the guys at Rare a happy Easter... I've found out your secret. I've managed to leave my house and search for those those "special things" that are so forbidden to speak of. If you're curious as to their whereabouts, I found them under a homeless man.
     So... with this evidence, I plan to do absolutely nothing because the satisfaction of discovering these has been good enough for me. So happy Easter to you and everyone else at Rare. Take care... and good luck with all the other rubbish letters you need to reply to ;)
     Gold Jinjo

The truth is out. The connection was abandoned because A TRAMP STOLE OUR EGGS.

Dear Writers' Guild of America,
     Did they lighten your manual-writing workload or something, Loveday? The frequency and relevancy of these updates is just incredible! Anyhoo, to the point of this little romp through POP3 land: I was attending the local cinema a few days ago, and they've gotten in the nasty habit of showing adverts before the actual movie previews. One I caught the latter half of was for some Adopt-A-Child agency for African kids, which was no shock, considering America's overwhelming desire to interfere with countries that we deem in need of help. What did come as a shock was that to sound more tribal, they had some people singing a spiritual tune to a very familiar melody. It wasn't until the narrator shut up that I realized these were actual people performing what I had only heard previously as a synthesized Cape Claw theme from Star Fox Adventures (and before that, a Discovery Falls theme from Dinosaur Planet). Am I going completely mad, or did somebody license out that tune to be heard behind child adoption agency ads in movie theaters?
     Chad "The Yellow Dart" McCanna

Scribes tradition dictates that there has to be a response of some substance and worth hidden away amongst all the cack, and here it is for this edition. Over to you, Mr. Wise!
     "I found these vocal samples of an African choir on a sample CD we have in-house called Heart of Africa. This is on general release. This sample is found on a sub-index of the said CD. With it being a ‘sample' CD, purchasing the CD gives the user a license to use the samples in their own musical production. So I took the choir samples as a starting point and constructed the rest of the music around it. This included composing additional melodies to complement the original African choir samples. Coincidentally, this would have been about 5 years ago now. Discovery Falls was one of the first levels intended for Dinosaur Planet. Since then I have heard this same sample used last year on a morning television program over here called GMTV. I believe they were running a feature on African holidays, but it also may well have been an ‘Adopt-A-Child' type thing, hard to tell at that time of the morning. Now if they happened to use the whole arrangement, choir samples and additional music from our production, that would be a matter for Nintendo, who own the rights to Star Fox Adventures."

Dear person reading this rubbish,
     I recently dug up my old N64 to re-play Conker, and to my astonishment, I finally found the whole conversation between Gregg and Conker at the start! It had me rolling around the floor in fits of stomach-churning laughter, so I decided to see if I could find it on the net and amuse the whole world with it, since I can't just hand out free Conker games to everyone...
     On, somebpdy told me that you once had the whole conversation up for download, before you renewed your site, after which you took it down like the foolish mentally-incapacitated fustilarians you were. Is there any chance you could upload it again, or send it to me?
     Florian Krätke

I'm certainly not sending it to you after you've called me a fustilarian, but it'll probably reappear here soon enough* when big chunks of the previous site content are reinstated.
     (*Rare interpretation of 'soon enough', i.e. 'within the next five years'.)

Dear Scribes,
     I was most shocked and saddened to have you refer to me as being "more Southern than we are". As we all know Southerners have a much greater grasp of grammar than myself as you have commented several times before. Originally having come from Bolton I think I can safely now call you a great Southern Jessy and get back to me Faggots, Peas, and Chips before going back to t't loom in t't mill.
     However, I digress, dismissing your slander was but one point of my rambling and most likely quickly forgotten email (we all know you do Scribes in that space on a Monday where you can't be bothered to do REAL work). What I am really here to talk about, is how much I am enjoying GoldenEye... again. I am terrible at the game, I know that, I still play on Secret Agent, but I still find it fun, and should you choose to ridicule me, well that's your god given DUTY!
     However... after hours of arsing round with cheats and whatnot I found a hitherto unreported bug... it is SOMEWHAT obscure... but here goes. Go to Cradle with infinite Ammo, and All Guns. Kill Trevelyan, but do not end the level (kill him from the sheddy thing, or with the golden gun, just make sure the music change happens first). Now, throw knives off the side of the Cradle continuously and when the music changes back from the finalé piece to the normal version, pause and unpause the game... resulting in the hidden Beta feature of... A CRASH. Now, I thought it very important to inform you and all the devoted readers of Scribes of this because this "Crash" was a very important feature in early, or "Beta" versions of the game. Thusly this sequence of events inputted by a user is what I like to call a "push button code" to attain a "hidden beta feature". I'm sure you'll all be thrilled.
     Incidentally... how is Captain Skyhawk GBA coming along?
     Yours sincerely,
     Mike "MrChom" Chomyk, Liberator of the Free People's of Botavia, Generallissimo of the United Republic of Lower Lower Volta, currently residing in his Summer Palace in the West Midlands

teH PUsH bUTTe#N c0DEs EX1St~!!!1! RaER 1S TeH D1RteY LYaRzz!!!!!#!!1
     "Well done," says Mr. Botwood. "If you send your game cart to me I shall ‘fix' the bug by not sending you the cart back."
     The GBA version of Captain Skyhawk is coming along really well - in the confines of your head. Beyond that, it's floundering a bit.

Dear Scribes,
     I've always been a Rareware fan. I even got an Xbox mostly for games like Perfect Dark Zero and Kameo. I hope to see many of your new unannonced games soon (possibly E3) and is it true you're working on a game called Saber Man Stamped? I read about it on some video game site. If you are is it Donkey Kong Racing replaced with Saberman characters? I would also like to show you my idea for a Rareware Xbox game. You play as Mr. Pants or Mr. Arse and it would be called Mr. Pants's Scribe Adventures! Here is the box art! Now you could bet your arse that that would be a good game. Who doesn't want to answer Scribes just like you do!
     Mr. Pants Himself aka Tim

Tut tut, the number of IPs you're infringing there doesn't bear thinking about. And you're so wrong about answering Scribes. Still, thanks for labelling our games 'unannonced' (which presumably means 'containing no nonces').
     Saber Man Stamped, the unambitious resource management game set in a smalltown
American post office, will be on the shelf of your local games emporium before you know it. But only because we've quickly mocked up a load of empty boxes and we're planning to hide in the next aisle laughing at your dull-eyed confusion.

Dear Scribes,
     I see you're remaking Conker as a Director's Cut for Xbox. Being the hard-core Conker fan that I am I can only say one thing. Thank you thank you thank you thank you OH DEAR MERCY THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Now then for some questions regarding Conker.
     1) Seeing as this is Conker's Bad Fur Day completely redone in Xbox graphics can I ask just how realistic this will be? I noticed some pretty snazzy effects in the screenshots on how the characters have real bulletholes through them when shot but what about more realistic liquid effects? (The original had some pretty dang realistic liquid effects going on for an N64 game.) I can only imagine the Great Mighty Poo dripping down direarrah realistically or blood spurting out everywhere and smearing the landscape during the war.
     2) Concerning the story-driven war against the Tediz on the Xbox Live half of the game. Just how are they still alive? Didn't we see them get blown to pieces in the original? Or this the exact same war that went on in the original? Either way these new redesigned Tediz are awesome. They look like actual Nazis.
     3) Can we still expect to see the Cheat menu feature in this game? Or are doomed without our ability to play as Neo Conker in multiplayer? (Provided that the average deathmatch game is still in there.)
     4) Just what are some examples of these deleted scenes? Do they include levels in the game that were removed from the original? (By original, I don't mean Twelve Tales. I mean the N64 version.)
     And lastly) Will Conker come out and dice up the Xbox logo in the opening like he did in the N64 game?


I give your spelling of 'diarrhoea' 2/10. But here are some proper answers from the team.
1) "Liquid effects are certainly something we're looking at, at the moment. Bodily fluids are a prominent feature in the new game."
     2) "Conker's All New Live multiplayer is actually set before the events detailed in the original N64 version. They are definitely dead. The new and more aggressive Space Tediz (and their female counterparts, the Doliz) are alive and well, however."
     3) "There will be special, unlockable characters, and I'm sure Conker's fetish guise will be amongst them."
     4) Whole levels? You don't want much, do you? Officially we're looking at some deleted scenes along with "a few tiny little extra ‘details'."
     5) "No... it's similar though."

Dear Scribes,

     Is the game musician working on Kameo perhaps someone we are familiar with? Do we know them from any other projects? It would make the waiting a whole less painful if we knew at least a little bit of what to expect from the game in the sound music department.
     Dave Roscoe
     PS: What is Robin Beanland up to, if it's not too top-secret/embarrassing to disclose on Scribes...

Cleverly trying to answer your own question, eh? Unlucky, squire. No, you won't have heard our Kameo musician's works in any of our previous releases, and as for Mr. B, he's beavering away on Conker: Live & Uncut.

Dear Scribes,
     Good day? Mine hasn't been, for the past week now a single thought has been going through my head. Cash. Yes that stupid green thing from Conker, I'd just like to know if Rare has ever given the rights for 'cash' to a soft toy company. A friend who will remain nameless, was talking to me over a casual ale at the local tipple, about the possibility of a 'plush cash'. We came to the solid conclusion that 'plush cash', be good.
     If Rare were to release a second Conker... you could have a marketing campaign that goes something like 'get CASH back when you buy "Conker 2: Conker's Itchy Nut Sack"'. Of course if you did that, I'd have to buy 10 ******* copies of the game, to facilitate my need for a cash battalion! I don't know, maybe it's because I'm drunk. But hey, I bet you have to be royally p*ssed to read the same sh*t sent in over and over every day?
     p.s. wh3n ar3 y00 g0ing t0 r3l34s3 (ahh feck this) I was going to make a smart arsed joke about begging for KI/PD/PIE, but instead, I think I will spend the time thinking of ways I can create cash that actually talks, and use it to infiltrate the Heineken factory.
     p.p.s. Sorry about the length of the message.
     p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Just to clarify, was plush cash ever released? If so where? Will plush cash be released? And Conker plush released? Plush Conker plush plush? Uhh something to do with cash?

Have you been drinking? Oh yeah.
I don't think there ever was any 'plush cash' made. 'Plush huge-breasted flowers' were probably higher on the priority list, or possibly 'plush dung beetles with realistic poo-rolling action'. But it's a top quality idea - we could release them in different denominations, not to mention different currencies. And the international ones would be more colourful and interesting, because not all banknotes are as boring as dollars. Plus, of course, the whole thing would have the added advantage of nurturing a new generation of filthy capitalists in the form of impressionable young children who learn to depend on the security of taking big wads of cash to bed with them. Result!

I think you should update with various teams from Rare describing their games wrapped in bacon.
Martin "Alf-Life" Badowsky

So you want to hear some strange men describe the mouth-watering aroma of their Ghoulies?

Is there a anyone at Rare that looks like the man in Hacker Central? Always wanted to know if it is someone that was scanned to the game or just a fiction head.
A Great Perfect Dark Fan

'Fiction head'? If only. It's a "slightly adjusted Rare staff member of the programming persuasion".

If you had a child, or just in case you've already got one, if you had another child, what would you call it? If it was a boy, I'd call him Dave, because EVERYONE LOVES A DAVE! DAVE THE RAVE! DANGEROUS DAVE ETC! If it was a girl.... ummmm... sod it, I'd call her Dave!

I've always thought Galactus' first name should be Dave. Even better - Dr. Dave Doom.

How about you just tell everyone you've cancelled the GBA games. Skanks.

That'd be a bizarre thing to do - you know, BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T. Scab.

How do you feel after reading this e-mail?

Did you spike it with something? I feel strangely depressed.

You did not print my last letter. Consider this a declaration of war. I shall now reveal this fact to all: You are a poohead.
Josh Tejada

And you use capital letters directly after colons. Ha ha: you pleb.

Suppose Banjo-Threeie is a possibility... since the Banjo-team is working on Grabbed by the Goblins, is there a possibility of Banjo-Threeie coming out on the first Microsoft console?
Wilhelm M.A.O.

Well, the 'Goblins' game will be out soon enough, so they'll have to find something else to do.

Is there a really fit female Scribe editor among you? I wanna get my arse into Rare, so I thort that if I could chatup a Rare femme fatale I'd be in there... in more than one way!

You 'thort' wrong. "Among you"? Among who? There's no justice - there's just me.

Are you still going to make NINTENDO games anymore. Make lots of E-rated games, they're the funnest.
Margaret Ash

GC: no. GBA: yes. Surely X-rated games are the 'funnest'.


Ironically, after that charming request I probably would have, IF THEY EXISTED.

I was reading the Pantsboard and you guys said that it was up to the publisher to set a release date. So should I go bitch to Nintendo to get them to say when the release date is?
Brendan Grimaldi

You could, but you'd be better off contacting the actual publisher.

darn... i wanted PD0 for the GC
well i hope the future PD will come out for the PC or future consoles like Phantom
!! !!

A Phantom version! Genius. We'll get started once the Jaguar version's out of the way.

Me kill you now you so dead whats the big point of telling us theres gonna be a third Banjo Kazooie game for GBA and its still not here and now everything is being transferred to XBox please respond
High Max

How can we respond? We're not just dead - we're so dead.

For next year's E3, I reckon you should make Duncan Botwood wear a giant Mr. Pants outfit and wander the streets of LA chasing the pretty ladies around. You know it makes sense. Brand awareness, and all that.

He doesn't need an outfit to make a convincing Mr. Pants. Or a stalker, come to that.