Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We might even respond
in a bumper festive stylee.
Updated when there's nothing better to do!Deck the evil-smelling den with boughs of holly...

We're making a list, we're
checking it twice... and it's still
full of PD button code rubbish.

DECEMBER 20, 2001

Dear Surveyor of Foggy Landscapes,

      While slogging our way through Super Smash Bros Melee (which we imported directly from Japan), we managed to unlock not one, not two, but ALL of the game's secret characters. We were amazed at the obscenely large amount of Rare mascot characters that have made it in! There are some really obscure characters in there, too! But hey - Ted does have a posse, after all.Knee him, Jeff! Snap his arse!
     We thought you might like to see the evidence of this, so we've attached it using this nifty email technology. Congratulations on allowing so many characters to be part of such a fantastic game.
     Yes, this is what we do instead of updating DKVine.
     "Aussie" Ben Kosmina and Chad McCanna

Is that the Yellow Shirt Guy from Anticipation? Don't you recognise Freddie Mercury when you see him?
     I have to admit, I'd pay handsomely to see Mr. Pants in a Team Battle against Elvis, King Jeff and Ted the Boatbuilder, possibly in the confines of Jeff's hut. Congratulations on the first RPA in months that (probably) took longer than a couple of minutes to put together.

Dear Scribes,

     Carrington/dataDyne. I don't want to bother you or p*ss you off, but I just want to know the truth. Are they just a joke? I know you guys at Rare like to make jokes. They look all pretty and like a real web site. They both state that they have careers available for people. But there is no way possible to get in touch with them. If it is not a joke why can't you get in touch with someone? Why didn't you guys think to make a contact? That just makes it unreal right there. Cause any 'business' that wants to make 'careers' for people would have a contact. Therefore you can't believe it. Oh, the agent files are interesting. You make it sound so real. But not really. How could an alien be 400-450 years old? And the reproductive system, in the knees!! Come on. Just a little off the wall. Just tell me the truth. I wouldn't tell anyone. I don't know anyone who would even care even if I wanted to tell them. Why did you guys waste your time doing that just for no reason? Rare paid some people to create these nice web sites that are not real and would make them no money or sales? Wouldn't that be a waste of time and money? Who even says everyone who played the game would look it up? Yeah I did. I bet a lot of people did. Did you really think people would believe this? I just don't understand the motive. Can you explain it to me?

Calm down. Take deep breaths. It's not that important. Here, you sit in this comfy chair and I'll let the team explain it to you as if to a fragile child:
     "Nintendo made the sites as part of their marketing plan for PD. The sites went up before the game was launched, to be part of a 'conspiracy theory' build-up to that launch. It appears that you failed to have your finger on the pulse by some twelve to sixteen months, for which we cannot be held accountable."
     Alright, not that fragile.

Dear Leigh 'Leaky' Loveday,

     For no logical reason I have created two Scribes-based Chu Chu Rocket levels. Do you want to see them? Tough here they are anyway. The first is the obligatory Mr. Pants RPA and the second is a grammatically excellent description of what I want you to do with the site. Both are clearly visible and in no way obstructed by light reflecting off the screen or anything like that.
     William Seanson

You want me to 'fetid the cucumber'? 'Feed the focus'? 'Return the...' oh, I see. No. Good job on Mr. Pants, though the lack of nipples and sinister groinal wheel attachment do not work in his favour.
     The traditional packet of crisps from the Rare vending machine to the sender of the best/rudest/most inventive swearword drilled into the wall with bullets in GoldenEye.

Dear Scribes-O-Dudes,

     I have a couple questions regarding the new StarFox Adventures game. Now everyone wants to know these questions, I'm sure, so listen up.
     1. Slippy... ah yes... the toad guy (girl?) Anyway, I'm wondering... everyone's wondering, what's his voice going to sound like? I mean, it's 8 years later, it's matured... right?
     2. Please tell me Rob the robot has a really good role in this game, I mean, I want to see some Terminator action, dude!! Does he do anything besides sit in the Great Fox cockpit telling Fox meaningless details?
     Your 2nd in command,

There you go, then: everyone wants to know these questions, and now they do.
     What, you want answers as well? Honestly, some people are never... alright, alright, here's the team.
     1. "Nope, still sounds like he drinks helium between scenes."
     2. "Besides sitting in the Great Fox giving meaningless details, Rob helps Fox in similar ways to that of the previous StarFox jaunts. We explored the idea of tooling Rob up and setting him to A.R.S.E. mode, but we thought this would taint the pleasant, family-orientated fun offered by StarFox Adventures.
     "A small prize will be offered to the person who contacts us with the most amusing deciphered meaning of Rob's A.R.S.E. mode. (It will? - Ed) Rob was not available for comment at time of going to press."

Dear Scribes,

     What's all this about the (possible) Perfect Dark sequel being 3rd person? Ugh! Why don't you take everything that made GoldenEye great and just throw it away! Oh, you're doing that already (Perfect Dark vs. GoldenEye: worse plot, worse control (PD=sludgy), worse graphics (too shiney, too slow)). Going to 3rd person will make the game less realistic and harder to control. Of course, you'll get to see more of Joanna's arse so it's not all bad...
     I know, why don't you have a game mode where Joanna Dark travels around in Elvis' rucksack making squawking noises? Or turn her into a lager lass.
     Some of your games are absolute classics. You clearly have some truly awesome people. But see how the mighty fall. Even the great Splodge of the desert planet Taknak 4 will one day return to the sands. Oh no oh no oh no! Not yet! What are you guys doing?!?!?!?!?!!!!????!!

Calm down, man. What's gotten you lot so paranoid lately? We haven't even announced any kind of sequel to Perfect Dark yet, let alone confirmed the ludicrously rampant third-person rumour. You should know by now to take this kind of thing with a pinch of salt until we're ready to make an official comment one way or the other. You're definitely onto a winner with Elvis-Joannie, though.

Dear Scribes,

     In the November 3 Scribes, somebody asked:
     "2. Which lazy nubbins did the end sequence for BFD; why the hell make it so 'gay-cheap-American-film' esque?"
     The ending and opening scene in BFD are imitating Stanely Cubrick's A Clockwork Orange.
     Nathan Marsh
     P.S. Do you really consider American movies "inexpensive homosexual US porn"? Some of the greatest movies ever have come out of America (some are The Godfather, Schindler's List, Grapes of Wrath.) Pull your head out of your ass and watch some.

'Stanely Cubrick' would be proud of your remarkable perception. Look, man: he said "gay-cheap-American-film", I responded with an offhand (heh) comment about "inexpensive homosexual US porn". Make the connection. Use your eyes and brain in joyous tandem. Feel the blistering power of conscious thought. Liberating, isn't it?
    Oh yeah, you forgot to mention Highlander II and Slugs.


     In response to a recent Snippet I would like to inform you that beans are, in fact, a fruit. As is the seed-bearing part of any plant. This means actually that many things we call vegetables, such as peas, cucumbers, avacados, and actually many others, are really fruits. This is actually only the way a botanist will tell it to you though. If you ask a chef he'll likely tell you that fruit is any vegetation that happens to be sweet or tart, therefore by his logic a stalk like rhubarb is a fruit while a fruit like peas is actually a vegetable. Also a chef will say that nuts are neither fruits nor vegetables and belong to a class of their own while botanically speaking they are actually a sub-variety of fruit (which peanuts, despite their name, do not actually belong to).
     I hope that this letter has shed some light on the matter.
     -Josh Keyes

You learn something new every day. It's just a shame that it's usually something you COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT.

Dear Scribes,
     I have just been reading the 8th November 2001 Scribes and I am angry. Not at you luvvies at Rare, but at RB, expert at neutron stars (?).
     He has got his facts wrong about Area 51.
     He says that Groom Dry Lake is known as Groom Lake. Wrong, people have called the base by both names. He says that Area 51 is part of Edwards Air Force Base, but I thought it was part of Nellis Air Force Base and bombing / gunnery range.
     Area 51 has no real name to speak of, due to its high secrecy. It has been known as Dreamland, the Ranch, the Remote Location, etc. The US Military does not call the base Area 51; Area 51 was a term coined by UFO researchers based on some old map reference.
     The base has no gates to speak of, only a long road which leads up to the base. The perimeter has signs outside warning trespassers to keep away.
     In short, I doubt that RB has ever been near Area 51.
     Just wanted to defend the almighty Botters!
     Mark Quested (Nerd extraordinaire)

Don't encourage him. And don't be so quick to put down our friend RB: just because he chooses to advertise his no doubt considerable expertise in the field of neutron stars doesn't mean he's a bit clueless in every other respect. It could be a cunning bluff.

Dear overly patient Scribes editor,

     I was gadding about your website, looking at the games you have coming out, and for some reason I became disappointed. Not that I'm thinking that your current slew of announced (which I'm thinking is the key word) games are bad, just nothing truly grabs me by the throat as absolutely must have. Just thought that was an odd thing coming from a game company that I have come to adore. I think it's said best in Conker, "a niggling little tagnut". Not sure if I got that right, but close enough. I'm still gonna get most of your titles. Just seems something's missing, is all. Thought I would share that, cause I know how important the opinion of a regressed teenager matters so much to you. Thanks for your time.
     Aaron Mayoras

Who are you calling patient?
     Interesting observation, though. I mean, compare Rare's first wave of GameCube titles with Rare's first N64 titles. A lot of people look back on them fondly now, but KI Gold and Blast Corps didn't exactly make waves at the time. Having well-established characters such as Donkey Kong and Fox McCloud in the vanguard of GC development is nothing to sneeze at... and while we've got a far bigger range of high-profile franchises to work with now than we did five years ago, we're still devoting time to original titles such as Kameo too. You wait until the hype really kicks in. It's early days yet.

Dear evil overlord of the Scribes page,

     Just thought I'd 'drop you a line' to see what your 'go' is on what they've done to your already frightening DK rap when uhm... 'remixing' it for Super Smash Brothers Melee. I mean really, there's been nothing but people shuddering at the original since DK64 was released, and now they go and mangle it? Do HAL *want* us to hate them?
     Anyway, time to speak some English. What do you think of the version of the DK rap included in SSBM? Does it burn your eardrums? Do you think it's a lovely tribute? Do you regret having written the thing, after seeing it abused like this?
     Hmm, only a Rare-related question in that whole letter, I'd better put something irrelevant in to gain some hope of it ever being published... hmm... Ooh, I know! This letter's grand question is:
     Which do you prefer - Cheese or Chicken Twisties? I find chicken ones to be an insult, really. They're just not proper. And if you don't know what Twisties are over there in Britain, I really do pity you. You're missing out on the world's best lumpy cheese chips.
     Anyway, thanks for your time, and before loathing me for such a rambling and incoherent letter, take the time to realise that I'm
     a) Not Sean Williamson,
     b) Not Tripedox, and
     c) Haven't asked about Mr. Pants, Stop 'n' Swop, or Perfect Dark for Gamecube.
     I'll see you on 'the flipside',
     Mykel 'Porky' Hamer
     P.S. I'm Australian, so I have to ask - have you ever been near a koala? If not I'm sure you think they're really cute fluffy little darlings. If so, you'll be able to agree with me when I tell you they're vicious little buggers with sharp teeth, sharp, black claws, and they growl VERY loudly. They also smell like urine. Frankly, they scare me. Just thought I'd share.

Does your middle name began with a C? I bet it does. Stop! Hamer Time.
     Never heard of either Cheese or Chicken Twisties, but as everyone knows that cheese is secreted directly onto shop shelves by Lucifer himself, chicken flavour would win by default.
     The eclectic stupidity of the DK Rap in a Smashy Melee stylee kept me amused for a good few minutes, but the original composer is slightly more touchy on anything to do with his 'freestyling' ape 'homeys':
     "That bloody DK rap again! It was supposed to be a joke... you know, a bit of a laugh... that noise you make in the back of your throat when you find something amusing! Believe it or not I wasn't actually trying to write a credible rap track... I didn't have any aspirations to become the next Eminem. Anyway I think the version in the game is reasonably amusing and I'm glad it's in the spirit it was meant to be, i.e. a stupid rap about monkeys!
     "Regarding the koala question, I was in Australia at the beginning of the year and visited the koala sanctuary at Brisbane and very cute they were too. There wasn't a drop of urine in sight, maybe I went on a urine-free day."

Dear Receiver of Rubbish Mode Interpretations,

     You mentioning the DKC Animated Series sent a very cold and uncomfortable feeling down my spine. I would highly appreciate if you could collect the pictures of those responsible for that immense piece of sh*te and use them in any Perfect Dark sequel you might be producing. Did you actually watch all the episodes that were made or just a few? In any case, I feel your disgust.
     PS.: Make a JFG sequel. That is all.

Speaking for myself, I saw the pilot episode when it arrived, laughed at K. Rool's inappropriate Kenneth Williams voice, raised an eyebrow at the animation, then never saw it again. I banged out a few brief plot outlines before it started showing, but seeing as it never made it to terrestrial TV in this country I've no idea whether any of them got used. I doubt it - they were crap.

Dear Scribes,
     RMI? Oh dear... I thought I had escaped those Remote Method Invocation lectures.
     Anyhow, my premiere RMI presentation is Alpha.
     Level: Villa
     Limit: 1 kill, time unlimited
     Weapons: All FarSights
     Options: Fast movement, one hit kills, no radar
     Sims: Eight NormalSims for one player, none for more than two players
     Good, eh? It's a mad dash for a FarSight - particularly if you start by the altar / podium where there's no bloody weapon - and then a wild peek through the walls to find someone standing about (probably looking for you).
     Great fun.
     Stephen Smith

Nice. Sadly, this is one of only two RMI submissions following last edition's 'request' (and neither of those were complaints from the Rocky Mountain Institute). Suppose we're stuck with the RPAs, eh? Once we've got this bit of lunacy about squirrels out of the way...

Dear Scribes,
     I believe survival mode consists of two young, female squirrels eating apples beneath Victoria Falls while stoned. Whilst doing this, a large bird, preferably an albatross, shall fly by in an attempt to distract the squirrels. The squirrels, being stoned, will be easily distracted, and will drop their horde of delicious, red apples. The albatross seizes the opportunity to grab the tasty morsels in its talons, for you see, it is a rare apple-eating albatross, the likes of which have not been seen since 1993. Two pigs waddle up at this exact moment, and, after making their respectful greetings to the squirrels and albatross, proceed to try to get the squirrels to come back to their place in downtown St. Louis to listen to bad rap music. It is your job, as the squirrel, to fend off the sex-crazed pigs' advances, and at the same time get your apples back from the albatross, who has called in a few of his friends to help eat the apples! ALL WHILE STONED.
     And if anyone can think of a better idea than that, well, then, the squirrels are going to be very disappointed.


Don't worry. No-one's going to think of a better idea than that.

G'day Scribes,

     This would be about my 9th letter I've sent to you and I don't blame you for not publishing it or responding to it, but I thought I might as well try again and see what happens eh? Anyway.
     1) Please put some more Joanna Dark and Killer Instinct, and Conker's BFD renders on your site cause they really make me day go quicker.
     2) Any plans of a Battletoads game for the Gamecube? Or maybe Time Lord? Those games really made me see games in a whole new light.
     3) Have you got an Australian HQ anywhere? We don't get any attention when it comes to games. We got one THQ HQ here in Melbourne but pfft come on!
     Matt S

1) There isn't much in the way of BFD or PD promotional artwork beyond what you've already seen, and if we had any more KI stuff we'd have put it up ages ago...
     2) Blimey, Time Lord fan mail now, is it? Mind, you didn't specify whether this "whole new light" was a good thing or a bad thing.
     3) Our only development HQ is here in Blighty, I'm afraid. Hey, you've got Melbourne House, they did Way of the Exploding Fist - don't knock it.

Dear Scribes,

     After reading the last Scribes I decided that I shall help you out and not send in a numbered list. I have replaced it wih letters pointing out were each question should be.
     a) Is this form of asking questions just as annoying as numbers?
     b) I haven't seen any images or any information for what characters will be in Donkey Kong Racing besides the few images showing Taj, Donkey, Diddy (on a bloody huge Rhino) and Tiny. What other characters will be in the game.
     c) Is a Zebra a black animal with white stripes or a white animal with black stripes?
     d) Can you at least release the MP3 of when Conker first meets Death, it's the greatest cut scene in the game and there is no way to reply it without starting a new game and it's pointless going through the 1st 20 mins of the game just for the opertunity to kill ones self.
     p.s. What with people writing in post scripts at the end of all Scribes messages it seems almost manitory along with the word arse, Sean W insults, RPAs and requests for PD push button codes.
     p.p.s. I still firmly beilive the current Mr Pants is not really him. (I still don't give a hoot about spelling either.)
     p.p.p.s. I wounder what the actuall record for post scripts actually is. (It's OK I won't try and break it... yet.)
     p.p.p.p.s. Stop bagging Taj that Indian Genie thing is great and has the funniest voice (behind Gregg the grim reaper- I hate cats too).

a) Sigh. No, it's vastly different. I'm touched by your consideration.
     b) We'll tell you later. Maybe.
     c) It's flesh-coloured with black and white stripes, as you'd know if you'd watched one of those wildlife programmes that show zebras getting their legs ripped off by cheetahs and stuff.
     d) What, you think you can just snap your fingers and I'll go off looking for it
and take the time to stick it on the Conker Downloads page? Merry Xmas.
     PS So where's yours?
     PPS I noticed. Perhaps we should make proper spelling 'manitory'.
     PPPS You'd have a much better chance at the Mangling Simple Words record.
     PPPPS Freddy! You're right.

Dear Scribes,
     Why is the Sloprano MP3 censored? Didn't we have to click saying we were old enough to view the page on Conker? What more do we need to do? I'm trying to compile a CBFD sountrack CD for listening to on the road but having the censored sections makes it harsh on the ears, especially since the music stops to let the sound effect play. It's not even like s--t is all that bad of a word, and especially not tw-t and some other words blurped out. Is there any location in which I may find a copy of an uncensored version?
     PS. Other than that, the media on all the games is outstanding.

That was the only version I could find at the time. I'm still trying to pin down the full, uncut version, though I still have my reservations - yes, you do have to go through the Mature disclaimer when clicking through to the BFD section from our front page, but other sites are bound to bypass that. Then again, the Conker Meets Death MP3 that I've just added is a bit on the 'fruity' side, so I haven't really got a leg to stand on. Tch.

Hello there Scribes answerey-type person,
     I've often thought about sending a message to Scribes page only to be discouraged by the loincloth-browningly high probability of it not being posted. So I thought maybe the chances rise if the message gives Answerey-type Person the possibility of a really funny reply. So here is a joke, you can say the punchline in your reply and everyone will laugh and say "Gosh, that Scribes Answerey-type Person is such a card, hohoho": What's the difference between a brown jinjo and the Bank of England?
     Hahahaha, you see, you are so amusing, now I'm sure you'll post my message. Anyways, some Rare-related stuff. Has any other sad loser noticed DK's air attack is straight out of Battletoads? Well I have.
     More importantly whose strange idea was it to merge the previously exciting-looking Dinosaur Planet with the Starwing (that's StarFox to all you other-worlders) characters and plotline, and why? Also, did you lot ask for the Starwing licence or did Ninty chuck it at you and say "do something with that please"? I'm sure you've covered all this in minute detail but I must have missed it. Sorry.
     Respect and all that,
     Thickieoe the Prince of Winchesterlande

     P.S. All you Americans stop saying "kick ass" please, all this profanity is upsetting for us English types. And besides, it's spelt 'arse' (an ass is a small horse don'tyouknow).
     P.P.S. Mr Pants. Sorry, did I say that?

Erm... erm... the Bank of England hasn't been up Banjo's arse?
     Right, now I'm hilarious and everything, let's see to your questions. Battletoads... dunno... DP/StarFox thing... see the FAQ... blimey, these questions are useless. Just as well you gave me the opportunity to 'crack' a 'funny' or this would never have been posted.

Dear Scribes,

     Oh-ho-ho-ho, Mr Loveday, it appears that you fatally underestimated the intelligence of your Scribes readers. Rare merchandise you say? You're "considering" making some high quality items for your fans to purchase? And why all the secrecy over the Super Secret Bovine Bonus? All key pieces in this fascinating puzzle which reveals the sneakiness of the Rareware team. But just what is it that I'm babbling on about? Curious about the Super Secret Bovine Bonus, I tapped those words into a search engine, and to my delight, I found a perfect match. Clicking on this link, I found these pictures, proving that Rare have had merchandise made ALL ALONG and were just leading the naive merchandise-hungry public on a merry dance. Now, like a bat in the night, I'll take my leave from you Sir, and enjoy the delicious chaos that I have created.

Actually I've been meaning to mention the SSBB for the last few Scribes. Yes, a new incarnation popped into being just after someone asked about it in the July 5 edition, and humorously enough I linked it to the Rare badge in the response to that very letter. Of course, you bunch of cheating gets just stuck 'Super Secret Bovine Bonus' into a search engine instead. No morals.
     The odd Rare shirt and t-shirt does get made, it's no big secret (if it was then we wouldn't give them away in competitions, you gimp). Mostly they're done for team members to wear to trade shows, but now and again we have a few left over to hand out. Actually contracting a company to produce a bulk order of merchandise for commercial purposes is another matter altogether.

Dear Scribes,

     Right, so I finish Jet Force Gemini last night. During the awards ceremony, I hear Magus mumbling off something to the tune of "Magic, magic! Kill me or you'll fear! Fruity fruity little b*stards speaking!". After which, he proceeds to moan like he was beat about the sconce with a shovel. Being the inquisitive fellow I am, I turned the music off and beat Mizar again. Back at the awards ceremony, I finally got to hear what I think he's really saying: "Badges badges! What have we got here? Lovely, lovely little badges sparkling!". Once again, he proceeds to sound like a goat with its head stuck in a turnstile. Could you possibly get an actual quote instead of me guessing? I hope you also post a sound clip, I've sent you a bottle of vermouth to butter you up.
     - Ian Maloney

Who the hell's Magus? Is this some twisted Gemini Trigger dream you've had? Or did you just mean to say Jeff? Easy mistake to make...
     I didn't think anyone would remember the actual quote, but the musician reckons: "It was in fact 'Now then now then what have we here, lovely, lovely little badges for you' (I can't spell the Jimmy Saville/Tarzan bit). I'll see if I can dig out the .wav file."

Dear Scriveners (is that you, Bartleby?),
     I have noticed upon inspection of the facial shot of the heroine Joanna Dark in your hideously stupid rumour page that said heroine bears a striking resemblance to one Shirley Manson of the band Garbage. Brilliant. Why then, in the game Perfect Dark, does Ms. Dark's face more closely resemble that of a pale Mr. Potato Head? I fear that an all nude push-button code would be about as arousing as a hermaphrodite amputee war-veteran stag film, considering the lackluster technical capabilities of the N64. What say ye, mates?

I say there's probably a market for that sort of thing somewhere. Mercifully not within Perfect Dark, though. And I can sort of see where you're coming from on the Shirley Manson thing, though I can't say it'd qualify for the Rare intranet Separated At Birth page (currently featuring in-house lookalikes for such diverse celebrities as Kid Rock, Postman Pat, Decoy Octopus and Andre the seal).

Dear Scribes,

     I just heard some good news for all Gamecube, Rareware and Battletoad fans which Iíd like to share with your readership - unless you wish to censor me and make an official announcement.
     Apparently, an N64 version of Battletoads was ready to be released and be the systemís last hurrah - however, after Rareware realised the market was in decline, the "Battletoads 64" team went away and have since been working away feverishly on a Gamecube version, tentatively-titled "Battletoad Planet".
     Now the good news is, somehow, word reached long-time fan of Battletoads, Quentin Tarantino, about the Gamecube version of Battletoads, and he was heard to mutter something about how cool it would be with some of his characters.You can be Mr. Green... so can you... and you.
     That was over a year ago, now word has leaked of a new version, completely remade again, which is to be titled "Reservoir Frogs". Today, I bring you the first ever exclusive shot of the gameís box art, in the form of an RPA file.
     Martin Badowsky/Alf-Life

Yay! Another one! The RPAs are back - and they're 'doing it' 'big style'.
     However, as the first half of your letter sounds so much like a bona fide stupid Internet rumour that it had even me fooled for a while, I must slap your wrists in advance for any demands sent in by excitable Battletoads fanatics with dismally short attention spans over the next few weeks.

Dear Dr. Wiggly,

     1. Why are you complaining about numbered lists all of a sudden? You've been putting up with them for years. Besides, you should be so lucky that some of us can actually count.
     2. Super Smash Brothers Melee has a new version of the DK rap. Oh God.
     3. Here's my obligatory Captain Skyhawk comment. Yes, there was a TV commercial, which is why I asked my parents to get it for me, and they did. Be sure to give 'mad' 'props' to the the programmer for putting in that spinning alphabet wheel thing for when you enter your initials. Hey, things like that were impressive back then.
     4. Forget about Elvis recognizing Jonathan. What was more confusing is why Joanna acts like she never met Elvis before, even though she did in the GBC version (for about 5 seconds). Even stranger is why, in the GBC Perfect Dark, Joanna doesn't seem to be the least bit alarmed that a small grey alien is talking to her. If I were her, I'd at least be wondering where his genitals were. Am I the only person that bought that game?

     P.S. mr PANts 0WNZ j00!!11

1) Usually they barely even register. However, the four in a row right at the start of the last Scribes made me realise just how many of the buggers there are.
     2) You will memorise the words, dammit! You will!
     3) 'Mad' 'props' duly given. He hasn't responded to the 'mad' 'prop' email, though, so he either doesn't care or he's still wiping away the tears of pitiful gratitude. Or, er, he's not here.
     4) No, but you're the only person who worries about the Maians lacking todgers.

Dear Scribe,
     'MOLE FAGORT' made my mouth laugh also. So, continuing in the same vein of 'Excellent Quotes from Criminally Insane Rare fans' (and it is one HUGE vein, trust me) I got this from a particularly terrifying example of one of those Beta Goldeneye/Gameshark sites:
     "use this code with Random Characters... I saw Bond kiss Oddjob!(Oddjob was feeling his ass!)"
     Classic. But hang on... oh God, I think I've been perusing these dark corners of the Net too long... their mentalist logic is starting to make sense... brain... changing...
     hey arare man!!!i have to wr9ite to you becuas you guys are fAGORTS!!lol!!!! youleft out the tazeer frpo mogdeneye how could yuo leave it out fagorts hoew could youy lol??!!!!??/? imagine it wouyld have beenm so much better my friend iworks at rare and he has sen the beta copy of goldenyu in a cupbad HE HAS!!!!!!!(1) i thin kmmaye you are not hiog hup enough mr loveGAY you are not allowed to se it my friend is he is hig tre tha nn ou lol.heer is my picher its of the next game you should make ytou can empoloy me i wil worfk for $10000 a day here it is i t is a new game with jame sbnd and joana drak and they work togethe to kill gruntida by huryting her eye.i do not kno wwhat is calle di ahave a working titrel also bojnd is using the TAZRER!!!!!!!!
     Merry Christmarse Mr Lovegay,

Tragically, I understood every word of that. Yeah, Merry Christmarse yourself - it's easy to be all cheerful and festive now that you've guaranteed enough nightmares to see me right through to the New Year. I'll be sitting bolt upright in the middle of the night, dripping with sweat, shouting "Idiots!!! Idiots are in my house!!!"

Dear Scribes,
     Over the years now there has been a trend in games of high polish storytelling, not enhancing, but taking the place of gameplay in many games. How much of a balance do you think there should be in the two? I ask this because one of your games disappointed me so in this area. The game was Perfect Dark and although I enjoyed it while it lasted the story/game left more to be desired. I wanted more boss battles than the lame ending one. I wanted to battle Cassandra atop the dataDyne building or battle Trent in an "Air Force One" style battle sending him flying out the back of the plane or even fighting Mr. Blonde in the Cetan or Skedar ship to the death. Alas none of that happened, all I got were cinemas showing their demise or last appearance (Mr. Blonde).
     You always tend to have awesome boss battles but not here, why? It should have been planned from the start, after all Goldeneye had cool boss battles. I hope you take this into consideration while you're working on 2 or 0 whichever it may be. As gamers we want to play games not just watch them. Thanks.
     -The Illustrious Mr. Coco LeBlanche

     P.S. How 'bout letting us explore the entire levels of the new 'Dark game just like in Goldeneye on any difficulty setting without the locked doors? Please?

I've always been one to recognise a perfect buck-passing opportunity when I see it. Here you go, 'Coco' - one tetchy and irritable designer.
     "Perfect Dark was based around a character-driven conspiracy theory storyline. It was because of this that you couldn't fight Trent or Cassandra. If you had been able to fight them, that would have taken away much of the tension of this conspiracy theory while making the game more derivative.
     "Inferring that PD is a game you 'just watch' is highly amusing; more so since this is the first criticism of this nature regarding PD that I have ever seen... I suspect that a rather large number of people will disagree with you on that point.
     "Your choice then - witnessing Cassandra sacrifice herself to free her one-time nemesis Joanna, in the hope that the seemingly invincible CI agent will destroy her ultimate enemies and former co-conspirators the evil Skedar; or shooting her on the roof of the dataDyne building. Atmosphere and pathos versus more shooting of which there is plenty in the game.
     "P.S. Your neighbours must just love you and your 'exploring'."

Dear Scribes,

     How odd is THIS. I was reading a letter about how it sounds like Taj from DKR calls everyone Freddy... when suddenly, a Queen song begins playing on my MP3 player. The song, to be precise, was "The Invisible Man" and it starts out by saying "Freddie Mercury". So I heard that name just as I read the "Freddy" comment in this letter... pretty crazy huh?
     P.S. JFG sequel=Good idea as it would make me happy.

I love the bit in the video where Freddie excitedly shouts "John Deacon!" - then it cuts to John Deacon looking deeply depressed. Hopefully that exact bit will be playing on MTV or something as you read this, further assisting your slow descent into madness.

Dear Scribes,
     I'm a controversial trend-setter - time to use a **lettered** list!
     A) Using some ingenious software and circuitry of my own creation, I currently have my N64 connected via USB to my computer, so every conceivable Perfect Dark push button code can be tested. After 20 hours' processing, I achieved the following break-through: C-up, R+D-down, hold C-up C-Right and press Z, L+D-down, hold L and R, move the analogue stick right and press START.
     B) Will Perfect Dark feature intuitive online play? Perfect Dark has all the gameplay ingredients for an Unreal-breaking, no - all-breaking online multiplayer. While hard-core players would probably stick to Falcon-only matches (for fairness), the wide variety of weapons mean mixed ability games wouldn't leave unseasoned gamers confined to being just harmless kill points for the professionals to take out.
     C) Will you keep PD's engine tight, so the landscapes can be enlarged? We need some sort of sprawling contoured feel, which needs graphics similar to Black and White in magnitude. It would allow a complete break from the 2D Doom-style way of shooting bad guys standing on essentially the same level as you.
     D) "If a game keeps surprising you with enjoyable gameplay from beginning to end then the developers have done their job."
     Hmm - intriguing that one. Does that mean you'd be happy to say a game with just the first stage of a Perfect Dark level, just with an 'ending' thrown in would make a good job? Would you condone launching 20 Perfect Dark games, each flawless, apart from only containing one level in each game? Maybe I'm missing the point - you say the *developers* have done their job - and it's up to the designers to provide the longitivity. I think a good game is one which keeps satisfying you with rewarding your progress, but keeps making you itch to get on to a 'next' stage at some point in the future. This keeps the competitors busy, since it's much harder to get someone to buy a similar product while they're still addicted to your version. This is basically the tried and proven Goldeneye-PD method, but with enough inventiveness to force THQ and ID, etc. to rethink their FPS strategies to make them even more appealing before people will buy them.
     E) Perfect Dark Racing, or just normal realistic racing game would be nice. Look forward to hearing about JFG, DK64, BK, Goldeneye and most important PD sequels at E3.
     P.S. That push button thing is a spoof, I just made it up to get attention. Why do you still keep including any message about push codes in your Scribes section!? Tell them to send money to you or something.

Not so trend-setting, mister - you've been pipped to the 'lettered list' post by some even more fashion-conscious young upstart.
     A) Hey - that doesn't do anything! Oh, right.
     B) & C) I wasn't aware that we'd announced anything on further PD adventures since the last Scribes, when I mentioned that we hadn't yet announced anything on further PD adventures. Try asking us questions about a game after we've announced it and we may be more co-operative. Or not.
Hey - we're loveable and unpredictable like that!
     D) I think it was just meant to imply that a game can't be judged solely on longevity (or indeed "longitivity", if you're mental) - it has to excel in creativity and immediacy of play too. How many people are going to sit through 40-50 hours of the world's most boring, unoriginal FPS?
     E) I'd be only too happy to present the idea of Super Maian Kart to the Rare management myself, except I'd quite like to keep my job.

Hey, how's it hanging!?

     During an interesting conversation, my name being Boggy in IRC, we stumbled across something odd. If Mrs. Boggy is named that, wouldn't that make that the family surname? So what is Boggy's first name, surely it's not as silly as Mario Mario, you've ruined the Boggy name... we did come up with the name Toby, seeing as though he's a tobogganist! See? Anyway, don't use that as an answer, tell me!
     Also, I went to your mud wrestling club, I'd like to say Leigh is kinda s... *gets shot by a Falcon2*
     Darren 'Boggy' Gargette

Something tells me that it's just 'Boggy'. And if he does have a first name, ingenious as your deductive methods are, I sincerely doubt that it's Toby. You know, if only you didn't ramble on so much I could have just consigned this to Snippets and not worried about having to come up with a reply longer than three or four words.

Dear Online Representative of All That is Rare,

     To start things off, I have attached a RPA of the finest quality. I call it: Citizen Pants. I don't have much to say about this, just that I laughed the entire time I was drawing it. I guess the only real correlation is that Pants and Kane sound somewhat the same. Assume. Now, to the meat of the issue.
     As gamers everywhere await the glorious and expansive games of the Gamecube, some of the more purist among us are angry. Why? Well, these irate gamers are up in arms about the new Zelda, Metroid and Starfox games. Zelda, which was going in the direction of realism, flipped back to its cartoony grass roots. Metroid Prime, which gamers have awaited since they got tired of stripping Aran in Super Metroid, will now be a first person shooter, a big change for Samus. And last but not least, Starfox, the first two games being entirely the same and completely Arwing, has been handed to Rare, and merged with the Dinosaur Planet project, giving Fox the chance at a different genre. I, for one, love every single change (especially since I already planned to play Dinosaur Planet), but others seem to fight change at all cost, and are now crying in gas station bathroom stalls in every quarter of the globe.
     Therefore, my questions are: What does Rareware, a company that is reinventing one of the old classics, have to say about the importance of innovation in video games? What will you bring to the Starfox series that, if it were cooped up in an Arwing, would be missed? Please, tell these people what you're doing for them, wake them up to the new age of the super console!
     P.S. Rosebud... or perhaps Fruit-of-the-Loom?

RPAs with culture... nice try, but Scribes probably isn't the place for it. I've already had someone come in here and say "What's that? Pants Hitler?"
     On the subject of genre-hopping, I don't see why the first game in a series should dictate the format of that series for the rest of its natural life - but on the other hand, a change of style between one game and the next doesn't rule out the possibility of revisiting the original style at a later date. Sounds like a nice big bout of fence-sitting, I know, but people are overreacting hugely to this whole Zelda thing. Look at the first few games in the series - top-down, side-scrolling, top-down again. There's no telling what could happen in future instalments, and the same goes for the StarFox franchise. A bit of exploration never harmed anyone.

Dearest Scribes,

     It's become apparent that you hate numbered lists. Well suck it up pretty boy.
     1. Print my letter damnit, I waste so much time writing to you and never get answers.
     2. This is not a request or a "Are you making this?", this is a direct order that Rare begin production on a new Battletoads game. Also you are to re-release Special Edition Super Battletoads Arcade seeing as nobody ever got to play it.
     3. Is tea time for real? Where the world stops, sits, has tea and crumpets, then restarts again when the last sip is sipped? That is all.
     Commander Q

I'd imagine that you never get answers because of your harsh, abrasive and (sniff) downright hurtful approach to letter-writing. You can invite me to "suck up" as many numbered lists as you like, but I'll stand firm and deny you the simple satisfaction of numbered responses. Anyway, tea is an ongoing daily process which assists rather than hinders the creative flow whereas crumpets are strictly a recreational breakfast event, which shows how much you know, smelly.

To celebrate the Christmas spirit, I present Father Christmarse! He goes all over the world, delivering Gamecubes to needy children around the world. Just don't ask me to name his reindeer.
Moe McEttin

I wouldn't dream of it. No need to - I can probably guess.

A bam, my yet-to-be-enlightened friends is the same as a ned. Do you not watch Chewin' the Fat down there in England or something. Ah well, there's always ignorance where there's knowledge.
Stuart Gillies, Glasgow

Oh, right - so it's a bit like a jeff?

You've finally posted the best music track in the whole of Conker! I wondered if you were ever going to give us the Windy theme(s)... thanks!

We wanted to cram all the variations into one big file, y'see.

I heard there was a way you could put your own face into the game "Perfect Dark". I have the N64, PD Game Pak, GBC, GB Camera, and the Transfer Pak. Could you send me the instructions on how to do it? Thanks!
Dane K. Hanneman

The team suggest you explain the situation to Hannibal Lecter...

Brits talk funny! Hahaha!
-Mister Poopies

Better than talking unfunny, 'Mister Poopies'.

i have spoken to loads of people i know adding up to around 45 in total about what thier favourite classic game of all time was and about 92% of them said Donkey Kong Country 2 or another of the series, and so you must admit that if you were to bring this out on game boy advance it would hit it big time if my feedback is anything to go on.

92% of 45 people is 41.4 people. You scare me.

Do you chaps actually say "arse" all of the time, or is it a fan myth?

Fan myth, my arse.

In Super Smash Bros Melee, DK has teeth! He's NEVER had teeth in the Rareware games! DONKEY KONG DOES NOT HAVE TEETH! YOU CAN'T OBTAIN FALSE TEETH IN THE JUNGLE! WHY ARE THEY THERE?
Jeff McCulloch

So that he can bite Mario's stupid ears off.

Would you be happening to be developing Killer Instinct 3, Perfect Dark Zero, Banjo Threeie and Donkey Kong Universe by any chance?
-=Bad Mojo=-

Donkey Kong Universe? Isn't that rumour four years old?

If the bug-thingies are drones, why do they have green blood in them? Wouldn't drones have wires and other electrical crap?
The Royal Bum of Maine

I suspect you're thinking of 'droids'.

Why did you guys kill jetforcegemini.com? It used to be a great site, and now there's just a stupid forward to the ugly nintendo.com. I hereafter abandon myself to my grief and despair.

Blimey, you're right. At least someone bothered to let us know.

What the f*ck does wtf mean?

It means someone's too lazy to type and/or swear properly.

The last time I wrote to you my questions were deleted except for one, so again I shall write. I believe that this is due to...

Oh dear! Look what's happened.

banjo should poop fish or poo or somthing... the noise is uh cool
TWEEDLEDEE, on the pot

"Poop fish"? I hope you missed out a comma there...

I have a nightmare where I'm trying to climb this sheer cliff... AND IT'S MADE OF ARSES.
The Ponderer

It's okay, sit down, we understand. Haha - not really, you freak.

Had Jugga accepted Conker's proposal, what would she do with him?

Probably something involving extreme innuendo.

You can have my Banjo Kazooie for 25 quid? send me a e-mail

Why? Why would we want to do that? Please explain. Please.

Now it's the time to sob and grovel: PLEASE print my letter, PLEASE! I'll be your best friend!
The Rare Game Expert

I'll print a tiny bit of it, then you can be a passing acquaintance.

Joanne O'Brien

Yes. Hopefully today is the day you'll realise that we're not Sega.

I'm a big fan of Perfect Dark but especially Mr. Pants. I have an animation of him dancing with colorful pants. I have one question: Is Rare ever going to make an official Mr. Pants Game?

Sorry, what? That's eerily hypnotic.

Is it realy treu? that after you complete the game banjo-tooie 3 times you get to play boggy the fat polar bear? PS- this is the first new secret i ever heard so I realy want to know it.
~Antonio Kessler

It's about as true as MY ARSE. Happy Xmas, chums!