Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We may even doff our bowler hats and respond.
Updated completely irregularly!

Wow! A big helicopter's
just gone past. Sorry,
what was it you wanted?

Dear Scribes,
You know what? I think that England's and America's two versions of English are really funny. If an Englishman were to come to America, and say
"I am going to sit on my bum."
An American could interpret that as
"I'm going to sit on top of my lazy, homeless person."
Reversely, if an American came to England and said
"Let's go ride a horse."
Horse could be heard as Arse, and it would be
"Let's go ride an arse."
Then again, if an Englishman were to come to America and talk to a tub of butter that they named "Tubby" and said
"Let's go watch the telly, Tubby."
An American would hear this as
"Hey, I'm a weirdo who likes to talk to butter, and watch stupid repetitive kiddy shows."
Thus concludes my extensive study of the English language.

You started well, then seemed to run out of genuine alternative meanings after the first one. Shame. Still, nice effort. Next time you can make an issue of how a Brit going to America and searching for his daily fix of chips would end up being force-fed packets of crisps, which you only seem to have in about three different flavours, I might add. And don't even get me started on Dipsy Doodles.

Dear Scallywags at Rare:
I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I've shelled out countless hard-earned dollars for just about all your games and am pleased with much of your work. Diddy Kong Racing still scares the bejesus out of me, but nevertheless, it still sits among my collection of Rare games. Let's face it though, Tiptup will never get his own game, mostly because he doesn't deserve it. Conker deserves it more than all those other dirty-arsed rapscallions you concocted (heheh...arse). Besides, I already know Conker's true identity: Mr. Nutz. Yup, Mister Conker Nutz. Do you think it's coincidence that there exists two acorn-slinging beady-eyed squirrels of video game yore? No, doesn't work like that. It is about time Mr. Conker Nutz breaks away from his drab 2D world to step into complete 3D bliss. And for that, I thank you, Rare.
However, I can't help but be disappointed by a certain mistake you overlooked in creating the exceptional piece of work that is GoldenEye. I know you know what I'm talking about, and I know the development team can't even sleep at night with the idea haunting them that they let their precious gem ship to retailers worldwide with such a fatal mistake. They sit in their little offices in Twycross hoping to the good Lord on high that no one would uncover such an incriminating example of negligence that could quite possibly stain their career forever. They live in fear, knowing someone might find out. They shudder everytime they think of that name: Max Zorin. Oh, if only they had taken the time to simply map his face into the game along with a nifty-looking suit or something. Quite possibly Bond's most debonair and malicious villain to date. Who could forget Max Zorin, the greedy multi-millionaire portrayed by Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill? I mean, at least you put in Mayday of the same movie, but she was a mean, ungrateful skank. Sure, maybe fitting in a mission where you get your beatdown on Zorin is too much to ask, but simply as a multiplayer character? Come on! Now I think you owe it to the public to immediately begin development on Zorin64.

As you might have suspected from previous comments, the team's reasoning was this: "There wasn't a good enough photo of Christopher Walken that we could use, so even if we had gone ahead and tried you wouldn't have recognised him anyway."
With regard to the first part of your message - does this mean that Banjo's the same bear who appeared in the 15-year-old Spectrum game
Bear Bovver, because he can run around and climb ladders and stuff? And Rambi the rhino turned up in Donkey Kong Country direct from his exploits in Sabre Wulf? Is there some kind of sub-Noah's Ark thing going on in your head that only allows you to recognise a single representative of each species in the videogame world? Spooky thought - but in a not-really-very-spooky kind of way.

Dear Scribes,
Perfect Dark will have a cart size of______Megs. It will be released on the___________1999 and will contain roughly________weapons. The number of missions will be_______ and the game is currently_____% complete.
Now the only thing that you guys have to do is fill in the blanks, I'm sure that won't cause too much trouble.
The Woman from Unkle

Perfect Dark will have a cart size of assorted Megs. It will be released on the B-side of 1999 and will contain roughly chafing weapons. The number of missions will be approximate and the game is currently over 3% complete.
You're right. That was no trouble at all.

Dear Scribes,
Quite obviously noone has got the subliminal messages implanted in the Tiptup character. Clearly you are agents of Twentieth Century Fox, obviously keen to promote The Simpsons, you thought and thought as to how to get a reference in without looking too obvious. Then the innocent looking Tiptup appeared on some piece of paper. Aha I know what we'll do. Several hours later and Tiptup had been converted for the dastardly plan. Now whenever people select Tiptup on the player select screen of DKR they will hear the tones of Barney (the drunk not the Dinosaur).
Why are people having trouble with the name of Banjo-Tooie? As soon as I saw it I thought oh that's err clever and then forgot about it. Perhaps because British papers have leaned me towards punnage.
Why would people assume that kids are rubbish at computer games? (Get the feeling I'm going through the current Scribes here?) I remember the hazy days of my youth, I was pretty good at games, I completed all the Dizzy games except Spellbound, far too long that one. (Actually on the subject you said Dizzy was far too obscure to be sold overseas, but hang on Blast Corps never existed before you made it, and therefore more obscure, think of another excuse quick... of course you could just mean it's such an obscurely British concept it wouldn't be appreciated by anyone else, but it's practically the only genre that British companies only do... in that only a British company has ever done it... err back to the subject perhaps.) And of course Gauntlet, Robocop, New Zealand Story, Bubble Bobble. The only game I didn't really get far in was Transmuter which was impossibly hard (except of coure Amsoft's BridgeIt which actually was impossible due to poor game design and control) but noone's heard of Transmuter, even then they hadn't so I can lie and say I completed it.
And anyone who's gone into an arcade and played on a fighting game only to be challenged by a kid in a fight and seen their own smug grin fade rapidly as they activate the super secret hidden character will testify that kids are way too good at games.
Mumbo Jumbo a woman? So I see when Grunty steps out of the big machine thing Mumbo's reaction well... there's nothing wrong with that sort of thing these days I guess. Just trying to educate the masses eh? Enlighten them further.
While we're on the subject of the machine in B-K why does the camera become controllable if you stand on the lever? There must be a reason, even if it's to annoy me.
Why don't more games characters have Welsh accents? There should be more. Joanna Dark should be Welsh. Then again as I'm from North Wales I don't have a Welsh accent so I shouldn't really complain. Think how much Turok 2 would be improved if Adon had a Welsh accent. The Dinosoids arre utterrrly rrruthless etc... oh fill in your own humorous quotes from the game, stupid thing making me backtrack through level four simply because I hadn't done any of the mission objectives, that's just mean.
It's quite easy for all that parallel universe nonsense to be sorted out through my theory that also encompasses time travel and how fast anything can ever go. But it'd take far too long to explain and everyone I tried to explain it to sort of looked confused and scrunched up their faces in an effort to understand. You see time and space are both quantative and as such the universe can be thought of as.. what? Oh OK I'll stop.
J. Edwards

I remember Transmuter. Was a bit on the tough side, wasn't it? Also moved like a half-dead snail, as I recall.
Sources in the know reckon that the Banjo camera thing "sounds like a bit of a balls-up". Let me know if you need that in layman's terms.
And I find it amusing that you claim to be from North Wales and have no accent, considering that even people in South Wales can barely understand their Northern neighbours. Still, despite the total absence of any glottal Swansea pronunciations in Perfect Dark, it's looking pretty damn fine in this year's E3 video... I strongly suggest you look forward to it.

Dear Scribes,
I was on Scribes! It only took you a month to respond and answer none of my questions. You guys kick arse. Anyway, though you didn't answer any of my Perfect Dark questions, you did touch on the subject of the reader who asked for TND. Well, that reader saw my letter and wrote back. Boy, was he p*ssed. And I don't mean drunk, though he very well could have been. He said something to the effect of: "F@@k you. You wouldn't know a video game if one crawled out of your @ss. You are a fat piece of monkey sh@t. Ya Homo i got two words for you "F@@K YOU" B@@ch C@ck Munch Tommorow neverDies Kicks ass Anyways, I wrote that because I feel they owe me the game". Minus the @'s everything else is right, I even recreated the grammar and spelling errors. Anyway, you know that this guy is going to kill me, so wouldn't it be fine to tell me a little about Perfect Dark? C'mon, I'll take the secret to my grave. Besides, Dark isn't coming out until November, right? I won't be around that long. Oh, be a gent and correct my spelling errors. I would check them myself, but I have that police protection thing to go to. Kidding, of course.

I don't think you've got that much to worry about. To be honest, it looks as if this chirpy young chap only managed to copy your email address down correctly through some kind of once-in-a-lifetime fluke. And, you know, give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps we really do owe it to him - perhaps in some weird alternate dimension, we borrowed his copy of Tomorrow Never Dies and sold it for the price of a lager shandy. Perhaps.

Dear Scribes,
Please don't give into to all those immature people who want you to put loads of blood in Perfect Dark. Computer blood always looks so ridiculous.
Take Turok 2 for example - You're making your way through some realistic-looking locations, with atmospheric sound effects in the background. You hear a sound and then a dinosaur pops out right in front of you. So far so good.
Then you shoot your gun. The first two shots seem to have no effect at all and then the third somehow manages to slice off the dinosaur's head as if it was a butcher's knife. Hmm. Then the 'blood' appears, except it looks like tomato sauce that has been pumped through a half-blocked hosepipe. Hmm. Then the dinosaur goes into an over the top stagger before he finally dies minutes later. The whole thing lasts as long as a Shakespeare death and is just as ridiculous.
However, Goldeneye's deaths, while still quite cartoony, weren't so unrealistic that they ruined the atmosphere and at times the way the people collapsed from head shots was quite disturbing.
If you must add more blood for Perfect Dark, just make the patches on the clothes darker or only have little splats where the bullet hits. Please don't go down the severed limbs path, however much you're forced.
Thank you for listening.
Iwan Lamble
PS. I looked for another good joke of yours to steal, but I couldn't find one.

It's not so much the individual death scenes that make Shakespeare's tragedies so marvellously histrionic as the sheer number of people who keel over within the space of the last few pages. Always gives me a chuckle.
According to PD's designer: "There will be no violence at all. Instead, you will go around the levels giving gifts to children. Make sure you don't leave anyone out..." Oh no! It looks as if those people who complain about being forced to play as a female character were right after all, etc.
PS. I have the same problem myself.

Dear Rare,
I was wondering if you could arrange a date with Tooty for me. You see, I just broke up with my French girlfriend, and I need someone just as hairy to replace her. Also, Tooty's kinda cute, and I happen to have a "fondness" for bears.
T. Humphries

Tragically, corporate politics dictate that I can't be seen putting the verbal boot into any individual, race or country without due cause - even the French. Which means I have to concentrate on the rest of your letter. But I really don't think I should.

Dear Scribes,
Hey I was just wondering, when you guys play a GoldenEye deathmatch game, do you guys do that extra character code and then choose your own characters to play with? Who the hell is B??? He's that ugly b*stard with the buck teeth isn't he?!? He's the guy I enjoy shooting in the face so much!! Bwahahahahahaha!!! That kicks ass!!! I mean arse. Oh yeah, and does Perfect Dark really have a co-op mode?
G*Doink Hippo

"Sometimes we picked our own characters, yes. And sometimes we didn't. That's the trouble with having an active imagination."
So says El PD Squad. B is female and probably wants to hurt you right about now. And if you hang around for a few more letters, you'll see the 'conclusive' 'answer' to the PD co-op question...

Dear Scribes,
It's a known fact that monkeys fling their poop. But why haven't we seen, for example, Diddy Kong ever do this time honored tradition of ape-dom?
Think about it. In Donkey Kong 64, you're surrounded by Kremlings. You have no extra lives, and the nearest save point is in the last world. So what do you do? Fling your feces at those crocodiles! Yes, yes, how beautiful that would be! But what is keeping you from indulging in this giddy little thrill?
If you're worried about getting higher than an "E" rating from the ESRB, don't. In Banjo-Kazooie, Kazooie shot eggs out of her arse, and nobody complained. And feces flinging is a natural, beautiful fact of life. Why, you have the power to make 1999 the year of flinging your feces!

You sound a bit too enthusiastic about this whole thing... anyway, it could be argued that Kazooie actually used her feet to flip eggs out of the backpack, whereas the sight of Diddy Kong blatantly rummaging around in his arse for ammunition wouldn't really be open to gentler interpretations. Still, maybe one day we'll be desperate enough to release Donkey Kong Country XXX. Or maybe we won't.

Dear Scribes,
Don't worry, I'm not writing a nasty letter, because I feel no reason to. Instead, I'm writing about something very interesting I found in Banjo-Kazooie. In the world Mad Monster Mansion, get inside the cathedral, and go up to the organ. Find the little platform that the sheet music is on, and stand as far away from the sheet music as you can while still standing on the platform. Press C Up to look at the music. Look very carefully. The music on the organ is actually the music playing inside the cathedral! Well, only the first few bars of it, but it is absolutely perfectly in time and in tune with the real music! So, if you like the music, look at it, and hopefully you will be able to play it on your piano or keyboard or whatever. Maybe you should have a section based on all the tiny little hidden things in Banjo-Kazooie, like the picture of Berri near the bed in Rusty Bucket Bay, and the picture of what seems to be Evil Mumbo in the big house in Mad Monster Mansion.
Peter Escott

Well, we've got the Rumour Mill, and there's a Tepid Seat in the pipeline. But because we're so damn nice, here's the designer with a momentous revelation to tide you over:
"There used to be a secret sub-game if you stared at Berri's picture for ten minutes. Berri came to life and jumped out of the picture. She then teamed up with Tooty, in a little gem we called
Frooty Tooty and Merri Berri in Tiptupland, where the tipsy scantily-clad bear and chipmunk had to fend off the amorous advances of the lecherous Tiptup and his macintosh-clad cronies. It was really good but we forgot to include it in the final version..."

Dear Scribes,
I e-mailed you not long ago, and asked if you were available for Goldeneye deathmatch. Oops, my mistake - actually meant to ask if you're available IN Goldeneye deathmatch, as one of those characters brought up when the 'Rare Staff' cheat is entered. (All we need to know is your first name...)
Anyway, you replied 'No, but I'd kick your arse at Chaos on the Spectrum.' Being as how you used to be 'Ultimate' and all, maybe you could see your way to making the following games:
Dizzy 64: This would use an N64 port of the DKC engine and would contain a brand new game as well as all the old ones. Of course, it'd be updated to take advantage of the Rare characters instead of old Spectrum ones. Even though it is, as you said 'An obscure British franchise', the Oddworld series are flip-screen platformers and they're popular. (Sadly, Nintendo probably won't let you do this because of the whole 'Game Genie' affair with Codemasters a few years back.)
Back to Skool 64: This would use the Goldeneye engine, but replacing the guns with water pistols and so on. The scientist polygons would be replaced with school uniforms and they'd all run away when you sprayed them. Oh, and you could have the ability to name the characters, just like in the original. You could replace the meeting with 006 with a cloakroom fight scenario...come to think of it you'd hardly have to do anything to the game, except rebadge it.
Tiptup 64: Well, this would - no, wait. That's just stupid.
Anyway, maybe if you shift some of the team away from Perfect Dark (It doesn't really NEED a multiplayer, does it?) and put them onto these games you've got two blockbusters to fill the gaming 'summer lull'. Or maybe not.
I'm all out of ideas now, so let the sarcasm commence...
Chris Allcock

What are you insinuating? No, I didn't get my mug in GoldenEye - but you never know, I might pop up in PD if my elaborate kidnap scheme and subsequent demands prove successful.
Dizzy 64 ideas make it sound uncannily like DK64. That's alright then, we're doing that one. A Bak To Skool update would certainly be a welcome addition to the N64's library for old farts like us, but that'd be a job for the original creators, and seeing as they haven't gotten around to it already I can only suspect that they crashed and burned in the mire of 8-bit software obscurity. Tsk.

Dear Scribes,
"Who'd buy a Mario game today if all his previous outings had been pants?"
Is that a typo or some British thing? I didn't get that at all.
Anyway, I was travelling through time (either that or passed out drunk, I don't really care) and about a year or so into the future I saw a a game on the shelves titled, verbatim, Joanna Dark and Her Crazy Alien Friends. Whew. I wasn't crazy about the title Perfect Dark but the new title is crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. What are you thinking?! Get a hold of yourselves. That isn't going to sell. People will go to the stores with the express purpose of not buying your game. I'll say to my friend Bob "Hey Bob, you going to the store?"
"Yeah" he'll say.
"What are you going to do there?"
"I am going to not buy JDHCAF."
"Ah," I'll say. "Could you pick up some Jell-O?"
"No problem." He'll say.
Bob's a good friend like that.
Oh yeah, in the future, toilets don't have to flush, but they still make a "flush" sound when you press the handle.

That's nice. I'll look forward to it. You may have more success in understanding the Mario question if you read the word 'pants' in its adjective form, i.e. 'slightly poor'. And the game you saw on the shelves must have been the launch title of our up-and-coming edutainment range, featuring prominent Rare characters caught up in wacky situations that can only be resolved through the use of accurate grammar and long division. Hours of fun!

Dear Scribes,
I've been robbed! You've gotta help me! PLEEEEEEZE Help a poor repressed sap fighting only for the well being of cattle farmers everywhere! Look, here's what happened:
That lovely chap Tusk over at "Ask Uncle Tusk!" was so kind as to give me a BRAND NEW, CRISP DOLLAR BILL under the condition that I use it to "get help." I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I thought, "Who better to help the needy Rare gamer than those wunnerful blokes over at Scribes?" And so I started to make my way over here when this crazy, unshaven, and ill-mannered TURTLE with a damn wild look in his eyes jumps out of a dark alley toting a huge AR33 Assault Rifle! He said he'd blow my brains out if I didn't give him my dollar! Now, being in RareWhere, what I thought to be FRIENDLY territory, I had left my trusty kattle prod at home! I was defenseless! I complied with the loony and ran here as fast as I could! He could be anywhere by now, with MY DOLLAR! TUSK GAVE IT TO ME! You gotta do something! Call out the Battletoads! Release the monkeys! JUST GET ME MY DOLLAR BACK! *sob*
The enigmatic KOWKILLER

That's your mistake, you see. Assuming that all's sweetness and light in the bouncy fields of Rare country, where it's common knowledge that terrifying entities like Conker and Timber are on the prowl. Think yourself lucky it was only Tiptup this time, and that he let you escape with the last shreds of your sanity intact.

Good day Mate (Scribes),
The other day I was drinking my tea with scones, and I had the urge to go to the discotheque. Darn! The lift was out of order, so I turned to the bloke next to me who was scratching his arse, and asked him where the stairs were. He said by the rubbish bin. Too bad it was 20 bloody floors up. I kept resting so much and sitting that my bum hurt. I gave up and got my magic transporter out of the boot of my car. Guess what was there a Jinjo. Well I think I have mocked you English enough, buh-bye.

Dang! I'm just going to fetch some diapers and aluminum foil from the trunk of my Oldsmobile. (By the way, it's the Aussies who say "G'day mate" - the English say "Salutations, old bean".)

Hey Scribes,
I have a few questions (and who doesn't?)
1. How come on the main page when you list upcoming games you don't list Banjo Tooie? That is one of your upcoming games isn't it?
2. Could Banjo Tooie be one of your secret games you mention on the main page? And then you say it was one of the secret games when it wasn't and we were just building up false hope? You sadistic B*ST*RDS!!!!!!!!
3. What kind of a name is Loveday?
With false hope,
The Guy Formerly Known as Simono
P.S. That Tiptup The Communist picture is COOL.
P.P.S. Taj has a wobbly nose.
P.P.P.S. PLEASE release some Banjo Tooie and more Donkey Kong 64 screenshots/info!
P.P.P.P.S. I reckon you should call DK64 Donkey Kong World.
P.P.P.P.P.S. What does P.S. stand for anyway? Okay I'll go!

1. Because I'm stupid. Yes, it is. I've fixed it now.
2. Er... no. Yes. I don't know. You've confused me. It's not a secret game, no. We've got at least two others on the go, and contrary to recent 'investigative reporting', that doesn't include any Game Boy plans we may have.
3. Ha! You're just jealous because you haven't got the same name as a nurse from low-quality Australian soap
The Young Doctors.

Dear Scribes,
So just to educate you on some of the greatest American slang there is, allow me to introduce you to the word "awesome". No no, this is not the regular old "awesome" you are used to (e.g. "The sight of the mothership was truly awesome") as in awe-inspiring or impressive. The way we use awesome over here is like we just have no idea what awe is. Either this word has totally lost its meaning in North America, or American people are moved to "profound and humbly fearful reverence" (thanks Webster) rather easily. For example, consider the following simulated interactions, keeping in mind the literal meaning of the word awesome.
"How do you like my haircut?" "Awesome."
"I got a B on that test." "Awesome."
"Baywatch is on." "Awesome."
Okay, so maybe that last one isn't that big a stretch.

The slightly-too-common use of the word 'awesome' throughout the US isn't lost on us. Especially not when Ken Lobb's around. And I'm sure it speaks volumes about our comparative natures when the Americans stick with 'cool' and 'awesome' while we Brits generally prefer 'crap', 'pants' and 'arse'. Miserable? Cynical? Pessimistic? Don't ever doubt it.

Dear Scribes,
In reference to a letter in the March 1 1999 edition of Scribes:
Quark does not rhyme with bark, dark, ark, mark, park, lark or shark. The correct way to say it is kw-oar-k.
So ner ner ner ner ner ner.
A Mooing Cow

Up your arse, Mooing Cow.

Dear Scribes,
Hello. I've written in before, but I won't complain about my letter not being posted, because I'm not American. Nor will I say the sacred 'a' word to get in your good graces. Instead, I shall compliment you immensely on your games, which you are, I notice, carefully distributing in a deliberately random pattern - or at least it SEEMS random. However, it seems to me, after countless minutes of thinking of a subject, that you're really distributing your games scattered across the decade in a way which will only help increase the popularity of your company by means of psychic suggestion. Yes, I'm on to you, you clever little Brits you - thinking that you were getting away with it. By the time DK64 (bold #1, I'm keeping track for you) arrives in stores, fetuses will be scrambling to escape the womb to play it. I'm personally impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. Of course, it could just be the fact that you make the best games in the world (and possibly on several other worlds, you never know) that makes you so dastardly popular. But that isn't as much fun to ponder, is it? On a personal note, if a 4 foot-high plywood snowman happens to appear mysteriously somewhere in the Rare offices, do send it back Canada-wards. Thankee.
Mike Martin

Look, look - someone who refuses to say 'arse' but still gets printed. Never let it be said that I'm biased.
So what is it you're accusing us of, exactly? Blatantly failing to release all the games we have in development at exactly the same time? Erm... alright then. You've definitely got us there. Just as long as you don't catch on to the suspicious parallels between our release schedule and the alignment of the stars as we approach the turn of the millennium. Wouldn't want you to find out about our plans to reawaken ancient demons from the core of the planet to do our bidding.

Dear Scribes,
Finally, I have gotten time to write, in between my plans of world domination and such. After starring roles in Banjo-Kazooie and Diddy Kong Racing so long ago, I crave more. You dirty fools, you've forgotten all about me. It is time I made myself known to all of human kind. I shall pay a crispy, fresh, and warm dollar that I swiped off a poor, cow-loving sap for a glamorous starring role in the upcoming blockbuster, Perfect Dark. I wish to be Ms. Dark's boyfriend. After that, I want my own game. I shall be a macho Rambo-turtle and kill anyone that opposes me. Comply with my demands or you shall all be killed with my AR33 Assault Rifle. Or, a nuke that I've been storing. Fear my godly power. I am Tiptup, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

Get back in your shed, you stupid animal. Stop frightening the tourists.

Dear Scribes,
I am an Australian and l only just stumbled across Scribes the other day, and was to put it frankly, amazed by your infatuation with the word arse. How the hell did you get onto putting the word arse in nearly every letter you reply to? American writers are also weird crapping on about British slang when theirs is ridiculous. No my friends, if you want real slang then you have to come to Australia to get it, such as bloke, fella, mate, faggot (as opposed to the American "fag"), jumbuck, dodgey and fair dinkum. As well as this we have wonderful Australian ambassadors such as The Wiggles and Rolf Harris (who thankfully decided to go and play his wobble board in Britain permanently).
Now onto something a little less serious. My friends and I all loved Goldeneye, especially the multiplayer and all agree that Perfect Dark looks like a bloody good game. I have a few questions on multiplayer in PD though-
1. Will there be a License to Kill type mode in the game as this rocked in Goldeneye.
2. How about putting in a mode where you can choose your own weapons at the start of the level, such as an explosive, a pistol and an automatic instead of walking around picking up weapons. This would mean that gamers could choose weapons to suit their style of play.
3. In two player co-op who is Joanna Dark's partner?
James Baum (and you can tell by the surname that my ancestors were not convicts or animals, so no cruddy jokes).

Not even a cruddy "I feel better than James Baum" joke? Ah well. Here's the designer to comprehensively answer all your nagging PD queries.
"1. No worries. 2. No worries. 3. Big sigh... I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a co-op mode in Perfect Dark at this juncture. If anyone with this question would like to come to Rare and ask this question in person I'll be only too happy to beat them unconscious in an unusually brutal way."
Blimey. I think that's enough PD questions for one month, eh kids?

Greetings and salutations,
A couple of points in response to other letters.
I noticed that Martin Badowski claimed that no game could ever reach the heights of Zelda. This is a controversial topic since everyone has their own preferences, but there is a concrete advantage that certain games, in particular 007, have over others. That is 4 PLAYER mode. I once owned a Super Nintendo, I had a multitap and games like Bomberman (which was 100 times better than the 64 version) and NBA Jam. I cannot begin to explain the fun I used to have with 3 friends. I actually won 2 Playstations a year or two ago in a competition, but I sold them in order to buy a 64 and four controllers. I did this for one simple reason: 64 has four controller slots built in. Obviously PSX would eventually come out with adaptors etc, but you yourselves can testify to the fact that it is a lot more enticing to develop 4-player games for 64 because people are much more likely to have four controllers. If you have Bond but not four controllers I recommend you go straight out and buy them now. Playing two player is entertaining for a little while, but it wears out. Just like playing against the computer. It's fun, but after a while, you start to wonder what the point is.
This is why I think, as I saw someone comment somewhere on this site, that there should be a game developed as a multiplayer game, maybe with single player added as an afterthought FOR ONCE. I know what your argument would be- you can't play by yourself. Well I say- I don't want to play Mario Kart or Bond by myself anymore anyway, but I still have heaps of fun playing with my friends. Imagine how good you could make a multiplayer game if development was solely focused on the multiplayer aspect. You guys said Bond multiplayer was only added as an afterthought and look how good that turned out! The developers claim it's hard to come up with original ideas, well here you go. I'm sure you will dismiss this idea, but I'd be interested in reasons why you think this is not feasible.
Secondly, you claim "noone remembers Macgyver"! How could anyone forget him? He would make helicopters from rags and bits of wood. And that penknife! It was used at least 5 times every episode. If there was a nuclear holocaust you'd want that guy around afterwards, he'd have the world back to normal in a couple of days.
Finally, just out of interest, do you write HTML as well as all text in the website, or do you just fill in the blanks?
Thanks for listening to my ideas, I hope you enjoyed the variation from "I know English slang. Arse" etc.
John Fletcher

There's no doubt that multiplayer options increase the lifespan of just about any type of game, but it'll be interesting to see just how well those upcoming PC multiplayer-only games do when they're released. Of course, current console users don't have the option of online gaming to fall back on if they can't get any mates round their house, which makes multiplayer-only console games an unlikely prospect from the very start. Also, just because deathmatch wasn't originally the main focus of GoldenEye doesn't mean that the team put less effort into it, just as they're working hard to cram as much as possible into PD's version: having a prominent single-player mode isn't an excuse for chucking in any old manky multiplayer options.
I'm afraid the wonky HTML is my fault as well as the crap text. Sorry. But thanks for breaking up the endless slang debate that I seem to have unwittingly started.

Dear Scribes,
i read that you are busy finallising a license with the new forthcoming james bond film "the world will end tomorrow" which will be basically golden eye 2 but when i heard that it might not be released on the n64 i couldnt beleive it!! but on there next console that is the biggest joke i have ever heard as it wont be out for at least 2 years so ppppppllllllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeeeee put it on the n64 with the memory expansion where you will have anothere hit.
Peter Glynn

Sometimes, you know, just sometimes, you get one of those letters that would lose so much if the spelling and grammar were corrected...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm crazy!!! If Banjo-Tooie isn't released in the next two months I'll kill half the population of the planet.
Joaquim Mendes

Videogames In 'Downfall Of Society' Shocker! Proof At Last!

I was wondering if there is any news on the next installment of the Cruis'n series?
Derek Holliday

I hate to tell you this, but...

Great site, but could we please have some more Perfect Dar screen shots.
Billy Hanafi

I'm afraid we're not doing a Beastmaster game. (Obscure? Me?)

I just wanted to know if you had any .wav files of Mario saying "Ass me!".... for personal reasons...
You really don't need to know

I'm very proud to say that I don't know what you're on about.

Quick...is it Jet Force Gemin-EYE, or Jet Force Gemin-EE? My bro and I can't decide which sounds better. Oh, and how is Jet spelled? LOLOLOL...no, wait, that wasn't funny. Never mind, then.
An ashamed AOL user

It's Jet Force Gem-EE-nee... no, you're right, it's not funny.

I'm asking - nay, begging - you to please make DK look really cool in Donkey Kong 64. He looks very gay in Mario Party.
Cornelious, the Corn Flakes rooster

Why shouldn't he be happy? It's a party, after all.

I finally got the gore version of Word Perfect, but can you tell me why my Active Desktop always crashes when I'm drunk?

It's nothing to do with being drunk. That's just Windows.

I have a little friend in my PC. He's rude and smokes cheap cigars.
Nirpal Bhogal

It's nothing to do with being drunk. That's just Windows. (!)

KILL SQUARESOFT!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bit harsh, surely? Can't we just talk about it over a pint?

March 1, 1999
February 11, 1999
December 24, 1998
December 1, 1998
November 2, 1998
October 7, 1998
September 25, 1998
August 28, 1998
July 24, 1998
June 23, 1998
June 2, 1998

Main Scribes Index