Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We may even go "fnar fnar" and respond.
Updated completely irregularly!

Lie back, open your mind and
bathe in the raw, uninhibited
euphoria of what we call 'Scribes'.

Dear person who won't be there if the French bloke was right and everyone interpreted him right,
Oh hurrah the apocalypse is coming. Yes, the supposed final day of the earth and what am I doing writing to Scribes? Oh dear. Never mind eh... oh hang on if it's the last day on earth and I write this then it's unlikely anyone will be in the Rare offices just beside themselves with anticipation about new Scribes e-mails. Therefore noone will get it til after the end of the world and it won't even get on the site because the world will have ended. Damn.
Never mind I'll carry on, ignoring the stupidity of it all (it hasn't stopped me yet).
Clearly you didn't grow up in the latter half of the eighties (and in my school) otherwise you would be au fait with the use of 'State' in the children's English (like the Queen's English but more annoying). 'State' is a sort of statement of disbelief or a derogatory comment. Much like bollo... hmmm, bollards maybe. Variations are "State on it" when someone makes a stupid suggestion or there is a particular situation which is particularly sad. If somoene tells you a story you don't believe then you say in a prolonged way "Staaaaaaaaaaaaate". And so concludes today's lesson.
All that business with the multiple TVs for GoldenEye seems rather pointless. I mean it's a gameplay thing being able to see the other players. It means if you know the level well it'll give you an advantage. It allows for quicker fights rather than hours of wandering round in circles as I appear to do every death match in Quake I play. In PD you could pass off the ability to see other people's view points as saying you have telepatho-helmets. It allows you to see what others see in the situation of a fight for your life kind of thing. Oh go ask one of your plot writer people to make up some twaddle.
I saw a company who had a similar logo to PD but I've forgotten who now... so that's kind of pointless.
End of the world? State on it.
J. Edwards

Oh no! Now I'm going to get indignant complaints for daring to open the Scribes column with a largely irrelevant letter, even though the rest of Scribes is always much the same. Tsk. Never mind.
"State on it" was probably quite widespread back in the misspent adolescence of our generation, come to think of it - as in "Look at the state on it". Can't say I ever heard it reduced to a simple "State" or, indeed, "Staaaaate" though. You live and learn, eh? But I suppose we'd better stop alienating 99% of the readers (at least for a while).
Telepatho-helmets, like it. Basically, of course, it's up to the individual how he/she likes to play GoldenEye deathmatch - obviously the split-screen method spawns certain tactics of its own, and that's the way most people are going to play it, but there's no crime in sorting out some kind of PC-a-like multiple screen setup and watching those delicate strategies fall to pieces...

Dear Rare:
I've found myself interested in programming, especially in the videogame industry. I looked around your site, and came across a recruitment page. Jobs available were shown there, and for the ones that required programming, you required C. Now, I am learning C++, which is obviously better than C. But Rare asks for an example of C source code. Thrown into this mix is Assembler, which I heard was getting to be cast out for C++ in most cases. My very easy question for you is what language would be the most beneficial for me to learn? Do you value C more than C++ or Assembler? As it takes a long time to become fluent in a programming language, I need to learn the right one from the start. Could you perhaps ask some of the programmers in the staff which one a budding young programmer should concentrate on? This is an easy question to answer, and it is a worthwhile question aside from the drizzling tat that you receive daily. Thanks for reading.
PS Love the site, and those smart-arse responses are the best you'll find anywhere. Keep it up!

Look - I got you an answer from the lead programmer of Perfect Dark. No expense spared, mate (he wanted all my dinner money, but I managed to bargain him down to half).
"C is the language that is most used at Rare at the moment. Assembler is useful (and will remain so) for getting the absolute max out of the hardware when you need to speed up heavily used bits of code. C++ is becoming more useful (and should continue to) because it is useful for organising higher level code and creating tools etc.
"So I'd recommend learning C and/or C++, but Assembler is definitely still useful and it's becoming harder to find good people fluent in it."

Hallo there editor at rareware dot com,
I recently saw a very nice movie called Notting Hill. Yes - with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts - that one! In that movie they use the word "bugger" in a lot of situations. I simply want to know what it means and I just know that you are the right man to tell me. Being English and all...
The reason for me not understanding the word is that I'm from Sweden. Do not tell me to trust the translators in this country! They once translated "coke" into Cola when it should have been cocaine. -"He was doing time for selling Cola". Nice job!
Does the GameBoyCamera - thing in PD support long hair...?

Don't call me English. 'Bugger' in the sense it's used in Notting Hill is merely a mild all-encompassing expression of irritation... I can't see its other meaning cropping up much in your average family-friendly romantic comedy. That Notting Hill, though, eh? It was like watching The Muppet Show with the gobs on those two.

Dear you rocking daddios down at Scribes,
I must ask, how evil do you become when developing games? Do you ever say "Oh dear that level was frightfully difficult, I'd better tone down the level of skill needed in fear of making our beloved gaming public frustrated". Our do you say "Bwha ha ha ha ha! I shall [insert terrifically hard moment here] to make the people who buy our games to be cast into near purgatory! Now let my evil creation render! (Cue over the top laughter that I can't spell)". Methinks it's the second one (anyone would say its the second one after Grunty, DKR's silver coin challenges and cheating bosses who run off before go, and practically any level in Blast Corps).
The lack of the word Arse in this mail may have frightened you (it must begin with a capital letter!), so here is an Arse related thing:
That big green thing is Tiptup (of course! What else could it be?), releasing his evil army of sporks (is it more spoon or fork? One of the great mysteries of the universe there) on to the hero, Mr Pants. I've done the box and now it's up to you for the small matter of the game.
Mr Ed the talking horse
P.S I'm Henry the Eighth I am I am.
P.P.S I wonder how SirSlush2 will bring us closer to enlightenment today?
P.P.P.S Say boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wayoo!

Did you have a bet on with someone about whether this would get printed? Are the standards of this page really such an international laughing stock? I suppose you're right. Never mind, eh?
We're not evil. We're all lovely. We just have to throw in a few, um, 'tricky' bits and pieces towards the end of a game to add replay value and give the seasoned veterans something to chew on. And we do it in as nice a way as possible, though occasionally we do slip: for instance, I bet you didn't know that up until the very last minute, Blast Corps' Diamond Sands actually featured the Ramdozer instead of Backlash. Now
that was a moment of pure evil, I'll grant you.
Say boom boom boom, and let me hear you leave the room immediately.

Dear Scribes,
I recently watched Live And Let Die. I noticed that Baron Samedi in the movie looks nothing like the Baron in GoldenEye (see picture). Why?
Even Though You'll Make Fun Of Me,

Nowt do to with me, pal. Let me just grab you a designer.
"The astute observer of said movie would have noticed that the Baron gets several costume changes throughout the film, with different face makeup to boot. Also, to look 'nothing like' Baron Samedi he would have had to be white. Pedantic, yes, but you brought it on yourself. Actually, are you sure you weren't looking at the Robbie Coltrane character?"

Greetings to you lucky Scribes in the Northern Hemisphere!
I have a couple questions.
1. Would there be a way to scan photos etc. using a scanner, use a program to transfer it to the appropriate format, transfer via dexdrive to controller pack, and upload to game in Perfect Dark? It would be a hell of a lot easier than to buy all of this extra stuff. I would love to scan my arse, upload it and play as an arse-faced Joanna Dark, or somehow make the other players arse-faced and shoot them dead! That would be cool!
2. In Banjo-Tooie, would you happen to learn a move to break off the sign on Sharkfood Island, which you use to smash through the glass in Wozza's Cave, to get the ice key, to open Gobi's Door, to reveal an amazing picture of someone's arse? Just wondering.

Couple of. A couple of questions. Anyway, while the designer's here, I may as well get him to answer these too...
"1. No. Buy a GameBoy Camera, you cheapskate.
"2. How would I know that? I work on Perfect Dark."
That's comedy, that is.

Dear Scribes,
Let's look at this from my perspective for just one moment. I sit in my comfy chair reading the latest edition of Scribes and sipping hot cocoa. I come to an interesting letter in which the writer states something like "Yum! Delicious syrup!" for no apparent reason and totally out of context. These type of comments ellicit a response (in parentheses) of something to the effect of (Eh?- Ed) from, I'm guessing, Ed.
My theory:
That response indicates that "Ed" doesn't understand that particular statement. I will now test that theory. I like to roll in the mud! (Alright, alright, hold on. Ahem. Here we go: Eh? - Ed) On to my next question.
Who is Ed? No, no, you're not Ed, you are Leigh. L-e-i-g-h. So who is Ed?
P.S. By the way, I happen to take offense at the comment of Slakmehl in which he blatantly advocated punching someone in the gut. Slakmehl - I'm calling you out!

'Ed' is 'Editor', as if you really didn't know. Tsk. Age-old publishing convention, or something. We do have a bloke called Ed working here, but taking into account his regional background, he'd be more likely to say (Strike a light, guv, do what? Apples and pears, gaw blimey missus, let's 'ave a knees-up round the old Joanna. - Ed)

Dear Scribes,
I'm sorry J. Edwards, but I'm gonna have to stick to my guns here: "car park" is an unacceptable term for a parking lot. If a car park is a place where cars park, wouldn't that make a ballpark a place where balls park? "Car park" could be taken -- at best -- as a verb; as in "A car park is the action of parking a car," or "for his road test, he practiced the car park (specifically, the parallel park)."
Now I'll test the results of my "Game Name Theorem" research for bold letters: Car Park 64, Dhuefog, and Muddy Honeycarbon.
And I have to say that I can't wait to stick a remote mine to my friend's ugly mug (or arse) in PD. I can see it now: "Hey, buddy, that's a pretty nasty hemmorhoid you've got there! [BOOM!]" or "Damn, I can barely see with this mine stuck on my face! [While he is paralyzed with terror, I take aim at the aforementioned mine]." Oh, the possibilities!
Power_Made_Fleash@hotmail.com (formerly Akuma99999@aol.com)
P.S. What the hell is an arsebolt?
P.P.S. In accordance with your policy of freely distributing beta copies of upcoming games, I'd like to reserve my pre-release copy of Muddy Honeycarbon (a sure hit indeed).
P.P.P.S. What would Brian Boitano do?
Px4.S. "....."

You can argue all you like: 'car park' still sounds better than 'parking lot'. So ner.
No joy with the game names, either. I'd still go for
Heresy Instance Rim, given the choice: it'd be a mech-based blaster set in a post-apocalyptic city where the commoners are forced to live crammed into narrow streets under the shadow of the city wall, far from the rulers who are gripped by a religion so fierce that they order all potential blasphemers hunted down and blown to pieces by massive ED-209-type robots. Do you see?
PS I never claimed to fully comprehend the depths of my psychic gift.
PPS Right - just give us a few centuries to get around to it.
PPPPS Well, quite.

To the JFG coffee-doubting Scribes:
I couldn't believe that there was actually JFG Coffee either; such an allegation blew my mind. I'm afraid, though, that proof exists in the 80s film Manhunter, the precursor (of sorts) to Silence of the Lambs. Near the middle of the film, there's a scene in a supermarket between the main character and his son, who resents his dad's reentry into the police biz. In the middle of this scene -- yup, you guessed it, JFG Coffee makes an unbridled, unexpected, but nonetheless quite conspicuous cameo in the background. I couldn't recall for awhile why this hitherto unknown product made such an impression on me, but luckily, my memory, always searching for the clues that bind the universe, recalled for me the issue of Scribes where the existence of this coffee was first mentioned. It exists, and there's your proof.
It's not a bad movie, either.
T Reiley
P.S. We Americans can't be dumb! Eddie Murphy loved our urban culture in Coming to America! That validates us!
P.P.S. 80s movies own your soul.

We'll take your word for it about the coffee. At least until the next time someone here sees the film and scathingly denounces these reckless claims. Meanwhile they'll all be busy soaking up Episode 1 in its first few weeks, because we're too backward over here to bother with when it comes to the timely distribution of box office blockbusters. I'll be off watching Slugs or Hellgate for the umpteenth time because, let's face it, they're much funnier.

Dear Scribes,
On the front of a magazine I was reading the other day was a logo for Perfect Dark. It looked like a P and a d ripped out of the page. But my friend is convinced it was an N. We have had a long discussion about this (we were bored) so what is it. Please. Oh yeah, arse.
PS. If it is an "N", why.

The designer, he say: "You should really make an effort to do interesting things if this is the result of boredom. And infuriatingly, the answer is 'both'."
It's Pd, you see, but it's also designed to resemble an 'N' because if it didn't, the morphing effect from the N64 logo during the game's intro sequence would look a bit pants.

Dear Editor,
What sorta BULLS**T is X The Ball?
Like, for one thing, it's obvious it's not real. Let's get that much straight. Second of all, this is what truly scares me: why the hell did you make that picture of an arcade machine with that weird looking stick-figure standing next to it? God you have too much time on your hands. You think your readers are sad, take a look at yourself! Why don't you go and make yourself useful and play cricket for your country. God your country needs some real players. Not just cricket, actually.
Yet, I grant you, you make some of the finest musicians on earth, most notably, Robert Smith.
Joe F. Tangco

You see that Joe F. Tangco? He's a Cure fan, he is. He loves them. They're his girlfriends. He is them.
Don't know a lot about X The Ball beyond the obvious fact of it being some bizarre foray into the quiz machine market. Are you familiar with the great British institution of Spot The Ball? You know, drawing a cross where you think the football's been crudely airbrushed out of some manky old picture of a bunch of players in mid-air about to nut each other? Well, that's what it is. The stick man's a bit grim, mind.

Dear Scribes,
In GoldenEye, I find it funny that you can simply walk right through solid metal grates. You don't even have to bend the bars, or anything. Just waltz right through. Well, believe me, it doesn't work! I have a big hole through my screen door now thanks to you idiots. Think about the logic in the games you make before you make them, for God's sake. The only person I've ever seen do that is Patrick Steward (I think that's the actor) in Terminator 2. But, even as the liquid Terminator, he didn't go through the prison cell bars, he melted around them. Even then, his gun got stuck.
Oh well.

You mean Patrick Stewart. Or you would, if you were talking about Patrick Stewart, which you're not, because you're talking about Robert Patrick. Pedantry's great, isn't it, kids?
Anyway, what's the problem? This is James Bond. He probably just kicks the grates out of the wall because he's so damn hard and everything (but not so discourteous as to leave them just lying around on the floor, which explains why they're back in place when you turn around).

Dear Scribes,
Here are some questions which no doubt you'll read but probably not answer.
1. How many Rare workers does it take to make a game? (And it's not supposed to sound like a "light bulb" joke).
2. Aren't those Goldeneye time cheats wonderful. So frustrating, yet so pleasing. Will we see the likes of them in Perfect Dark?
3. Do you lot make such quality games because your knowledge of the Universe at large is so vast, or is it raw talent?
And finally...
4. What is the probability of someone's letter being answered?
Um, I think that just about covers it. Thanks for answering.
Peter Monks

Make your mind up whether or not I'm supposed to be answering you. Had me all flustered for a minute there.
Right, there's a PD question in amongst that lot somewhere - good enough justification for passing all of them over to the PD designer if you ask me...
"1. 'Just enough.'
"2. There is a chance that they may possibly be considered for something like that.
"3. Bad games aren't worth making. This we know.

(Cs + L) x (R + Q(g))

1 + (AOL x (A1, A2... An) x P!) x (S1, S2... Sn)

Cs = Common SenseAOL = Aol user
L = LiteracyA = Instances of Abuse
R = RelevanceP! = Incorrect or Excessive Punctuation
Q(g) = Genuine QueryS = No. of identical submissions."

Dear Scribes,
"You have worked out that none of it's actually real, haven't you? Please say yes. Look, Clanker's a magic robot. He belongs to a witch. He works in magic secret witchy ways. And Captain Blubber is a special one-of-a-kind dancing super-hippo that we discovered. Don't blame us for the quirks of nature."
What are you talking about? Clanker is a cyborg! CYBORG!!! Sigh, here's the definition of CYBORG!!!!
The Dictionary says: a bionic robot, human being, or mechanical whale with organs and tissue and/or brain mended with a metallic structure.
So you see, you were gravely mistaken by your definition of a "magic whale". Maybe you should hire a continuity or science editor or something for Rareware. It would do your heart good.
By the way, other cyborgs in history?
-Al Gore
-Fulgore (wait, he was a robot... scratch that) -Mr. Bean
-The man who hosts Wheel of Fortune (no, you don't get that in Twycross, right?)
-Leigh Loveday
So Clanker is clearly a cyborg. Oh, and just to prevent any more confusion down the road with Banjo-Kazooie character mis-interpetation; Klungo is both a mad scientist and a warlock; Chimpy is a monkey, not a chimp; and Mumbo Jumbo's species is in fact genuine poodle.

But did Clanker start life as a whale or a robot? Eh? Eh? And considering that you're wrong about both Fulgore and KAOS, why should we trust your wonky judgement, Slush-boy?
And another thing, you've just thrown Mr. Bean in there for purposes of international appeal, but it won't work because we all got sick of him after the first two or three episodes. Our version of
Wheel of Fortune, on the other hand, may well be hosted by cyborgs... but not very good ones, because it's been through at least three of them so far and the design brief's showing no signs of improvement.

Greetings Scribes,
I am very distressed because I heard that Perfect Dark was going to have an "M" (as in Mature) ESRB rating. I was very surprised to hear this as Rareware (at least to my knowledge) has never done a game with a rating above "T." I loved GoldenEye and I am eagerly anticipating Perfect Dark, however if it was rated Mature I know that my parents would never allow me to purchase it. I know hundreds of other people for which this is the same situation. So please, tell me this isn't true and that Perfect Dark will have a "T" rating.
Mark Willard

Designer! "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Perfect Dark is expected to get a Mature rating."
Sorry about that. Fact is, though, it was never designed to be anything other than an adult game. So no doubt we're in for a flood of complaints from the other half of the gamesplaying public, i.e. the half that doesn't complain about the cute games... ho hum.

Dear Big Man Floating Above Twycross,
You stupid spellchecker, Twycross is a proper word. Sorry about that, I get over excited easily.
1. How come in the instruction manual says that she's called Tooty while the game says she's called Tooie? Which is her true identity or is it a conspiracy?!?!?!?!?
2. Killer Instinct vs. Pokemon, it would be brilliant, Pikachu doing a thundershock attack up Uncle Tusk's arse.
Please Note: The Killer Instinct characters wouldn't be there for any other reason than the fact that watching 1ft tall creatures beat the crap out of fully grown men is both fun and amusing.
3. Wot are you guys doing for the Dolphin? How about Banjo-Kazooie-Tooie-Tiptup-Donkey-Diddy-Dixie-Kiddy-Conker-Joanna-Timber-Pipsy?
4. I have proof of the existence of Mr Pants64! By threatening to set foot on the new carpark, I forced an unnamed member of staff to give me the beta copy of a bonus level featured in the game. Enjoy.
Yours Sincerely,

1. The game doesn't say she's called Tooie. For the umpteenth time, it's just... oh, I can't be bothered.
2. Stop trying to salvage your credibility.
3. Don't be ridiculous. How could we possibly justify including Joanna?
4. The Mr. Pants bonus game provided hours of solid entertainment, thank you kindly. Can't beat that good old-fashioned left-to-right-and-nothing-else gameplay. However, had you indeed set foot on the new car park, you would have been instantly electrocuted - so bear that in mind when your thoughts inevitably turn to the
Tiptup 64 subgames.

Dear Scribes,
I have been disappointed in recent months by the lack of rabid jingoism in these letters. It is a sad day when representatives of the four major Anglophonic nations congregate without taking advantage of our rich tradition of hateful mockery. And yet, month after month, the Scribes page goes up completely devoid of adolescent harangues. Puling, pantywaisted Limeys are not invited to insert their crumpets into their rectal cavities. Wombat-fondling Australians are not reminded, ever so cleverly, that their country was once a "penile colony." Canadians are not subjected to obscene re-interpretations of the word "Mountie." And, most shockingly of all, my own countrymen are not taken to task for their relentless crusade to drive the lowest common denominator further and further down until every television channel on Earth broadcasts nothing but a toilet flushing, over and over again, coupled with an uproarious laughtrack.
If we cannot even rise to this level of internecine loathing, how can we hope to properly ridicule the French?
Cadwalader Mumphries, Executive Director, Institute of Cultural Denigration

I'd like to agree with you and open the floor for an all-out international verbal scrap, but some people seem to get offended by that kind of thing. Hard to believe in such an endearingly self-deprecating age, but true. And don't rule us "pantywaisted" (whatever that is) "Limeys" out of this Toilet Channel you so titillatingly describe - I've no doubt we'd hand over good cash to be a part of it.

Salutations Rare-Guy-Who-Never-Gives-a-Straight-Answer,
Finally! A video game web site that has the slightest sense of humor; IGN64!
Kidding. I just have to ask one question. I figure if I ask it now there will be a good chance that I will get a response sometime in the next four to six years. In Perfect Dark, is Joanna Dark pronounced Joan-na or Jo-an-na Dark?
P.S. What would happen if I sent this letter to you 20,000 times? What's that? You'd be delighted? Okay, here's number one...

It's pronounced Jo-an-na, just like every other instance of the name since the dawn of time: for example, er... Eddy Grant's 1990 political anthem Gimme Hope Jo'anna. Yeah.
PS More than once and I'd refer you to Uncle Tusk. He'd be even more delighted.

Dear "Scribes" - oh wait, we ARE the "scribes"(duh), hmmm...
Anyway, after my point last month about a certain Duncan Botwood looking 'mardy' in N64 Magazine, I "performed" the cheat in Goldeneye that allowed me to play as staff members. Now don't worry Monsieur Botwood, I am not stalking you or anything but I couldn't help noticing that in Goldeneye you are a ginner! How so? - in N64 Mag you have black hair. Was this a paintbrushing effort/experiment by the team, or were those your wild days when your name used to be Mandy at weekends?
Martin Badowsky

Not stalking him? A likely story. Mr. B is now in hiding, and his lawyers have issued the following statement on his behalf:
"Our client made the mistake of getting on the wrong side of (ie. failing to convincingly bribe) the person responsible for texturing the heads. His hair is not naturally ginger, more a nondescript dark brown colour. Most recently, his name at weekends has been 'Wagner'."
Have you been roleplaying again, Botwood? Honestly.

To whom it may concern,
"I can have my girlfriend beat me to death..." "My own girlfriend is on record..." "My own girlfriend calls my vision..." Who do you people think you are fooling? Admit it, you don't get women. You don't know women. Your only notion of a woman is based on experiences with B. Orchid, Maya, Kim Wu, and soon Joanna Dark. It is pitiful enough that you spend all your time sitting on your arses playing videogames, and then writing to Rare with arsinine questions, but to lie and make it sound like you are actually getting any? You make me sick. Anyway, I would continue crushing your self-esteem, but I have to go make out with my girlfriend.
P.S. My girlfriend wants you to bring back Chief Thunder for KI 3.

More like your girlfriend wants you to stop making her dress up as Chief Thunder, you degenerate. And how can you be so sure that we don't base our game characters on people we actually know? Apart from the ones with fur, obviously. That'd be stupid.

Dear Scribamifications,
Now, recently, I was looking through your vast array of DK64 screens and noticed that the game is full of politically-incorrect flaws! I have included a screen shot detailing some of those flaws. Do you notice how many there are in a single scene? Martin Luther most be rolling over in his grave! Anywayz, send me all the free stuff you can fit in an average sized porta-potty of significant retail value (not the kind you get at Value Village) and keep up the good work. Remember: just 'cause they did it once in the movies, it doesn't mean you can't do it three times a week for a steady income.
BILL (reviewer for Blab Magazine)
P.S. Arse.
P.P.S. Canned goods at half the re-sell value.
P.P.P.S. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

We have nothing but admiration for your razor-sharp analytical mind. Naturally, DK64 has been pushed back a couple of years while the disgraced team fine-tunes its grip on reality.
PS Knackers. Remember?
PPS Your statutory rights are not affected.
PPPS Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers.

Dear Idiot,
I have things that I need to ask you about.
1. Apparently, I need to make a very good point or be a stupid moron to get printed. (Sez me, who has written you... ohh... about 987 billion times... give or take a few...)
2. To the person writing in, asking if the Multiplayer creations in PD would have pasty-white faces; I would think that Rare would have some sort of flesh toner for the skin coloration.
3. Kat; do you realize that by saying that you rushed down to Snippets "with a warm feeling in your breast" that you'll never get FLEAB whats-his-face to leave you alone?!
4. Helllooooo... Sean Williamson... where are you... I have a little present for you... (by the way Scribes, don't tell him that I plan to jump him, steal all of his valuables (if he has any) and take him to a doctor to get him a partial lobotomy).
5. If I write in a very illiterate fashion, will I get printed? Or maybe if I annoy you with old movie and TV quotes? Shine your shoes? Get you a harem of dancing gypsy girls with the see-thru pink pants? What?
6. I know what you'll do next summer... (ripping off movie title in process).
P.S. Who wants to melt SirSlush2? I do!!
P.P.S. At least everyone has shut up about TipTup.
P.P.P.S. Use the word 'booty' instead of arse! I dare ya!!

People may have shut up about Tiptup, but they're making up for it by bundling in PS after irrelevant PS instead. Hey ho.
1. No, you just need to attract my attention, amuse or interest me in the slightest, because I am Lord and Master of this godforsaken page and you will indulge my every whim, you filthy rabble.
2. Yep.
3. Don't spoil it, we were enjoying that...
4. Either he's stopped reading or he's a man of remarkable fortitude. Not even a single tetchy swearword from the great Mr. Williamson since his original confession and the haranguing that followed (for those of you who've just joined us, you can view his heartrending missive halfway down Uncle Tusk's March 4th column). Come on, Seanie! Show your face!
5. Any of those would help except the first one.
6. Have another sprog, probably. That's what I've done for the last two summers.

Oh no! There's too many of them!
I'm just going to... have to...

July X Snippets Special

June 23, 1999
June 4, 1999
April 29, 1999
March 30, 1999
March 1, 1999
February 11, 1999
December 24, 1998
December 1, 1998
November 2, 1998
October 7, 1998
September 25, 1998
August 28, 1998
July 24, 1998
June 23, 1998
June 2, 1998

Main Scribes Index