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We may even wait three years for the page to load.
Updated completely irregularly!

We wish you a Merry Xmas,
and an Armageddon-compliant
New Year. Now dance, boy!

Dear Spinning Rareware Logo In The Top Left Corner That Won't Stop Spinning:
I took time off from my busy playing schedule to write to you, for fear I wouldn't make it before the next Scribes "deadline." I just wanted to wait and tell you what I think of Donkey Kong 64. It was VERY worth the wait. Everything just... clicks together and makes it one heck of a game. Perhaps the company's best effort yet (and since this company is at the top of all the other ones, that's saying a lot about the game). Where to begin...
---Chunky Kong and Lanky Kong. I was skeptical about bringing in three new Kongs, especially when you guys had Dixie and Kiddy sitting in the garage ready to be driven again. It wasn't until I started to play when I realized why you did it. Chunky is the most hilarious thing ever created for a platformer. On the other hand, Lanky is just... odd, which is perfect.
---Keeping up with the established characters. This was great. Diddy now takes himself almost way too seriously, unlike the unsure rookie we met five years ago. Funky is now an established inventor, and has for the most part shred his surfer image. Candy, who we haven't seen but one time before, acts like you would expect her to act. A major flirt who uses double meanings in words to flaunt her sexuality (actually, maybe this was just the lonely DK64 team speaking out to the world). K. Rool seems more determined then ever, which makes sense after his horrid losses in the past. Fantastic job on making these characters more than just images on a television screen.
---Lighting effects, graphics, incredible Dolby Surround Sound, etc...
---And perhaps the two greatest things ever: the use of the word "Hell" in a game rated Everyone by the ESRB (I'm only disappointed it wasn't used in the actual game and not in the Monkey Rap...) and Wrinkly Kong's decaying remains. You actually killed off a character. BRAVO! I just hope you won't neatly forget about her death and have her come back as a living ape in the next DK game you make. Once she's dead, she's dead. Please. But one question? Did she ascend to Heaven, or sink to Hell? We never really found out... did we?
Here's to you guys making the Game Boy Color game Lanky and Chunky Kong's Bingo Bonanza In Color. The name alone guarantees it will sell like hotcakes (like in a place where people hate hotcakes more than Satan himself).

Ah, Mr. Slush. After so long practically squirting synaptic fluid from your ears with anticipation, we could hardly deny you the opportunity to spout off about DK64 at last. Even if you did veer dangerously close to essay territory once or twice there. Still, glad the game lived up to expectations.
Not too sure about Wrinkly - she seemed a nice enough sort on the outside, but you never can tell, can you? For all we know she could have been an active member of the
Space Precinct fan club or something in her earlier years. Can't say old Cranky came across as massively traumatised, anyway.
And how could you fail to give Swanky Kong a part in your Bingo game? Who in their right mind would even consider leaving Swanky Kong out of any... oh.

Dear Scribes,
I heard a rumor on the Internet that along with the Citadel, there were two other levels that were deleted; The Moon, and The Buddha Temple. I don't think that they ever existed, but I heard that the Buddha Temple was taken out of Mission, and put into Multiplayer as the Temple. Is there any truth to all this, or did someone just make it all up? I found a screenshot for the setup of the Buddha Temple, with Buddha spelled wrong (Buddah). That's what tipped me off that the picture was faked. I want to know if there ever were those two levels.
The Goldeneye Terrorist

Is this your idea of a Xmas present for all our hard work? A couple of the dimmest rumours yet (which, naturally, you don't believe for a second - which is why you're writing to ask about them)? Sigh. Let's see what kind of an answer we can get from the designer:

Scribe - I choose you! (Gunfire)
Is that a yellow Jinjo I see in one of the BT screenshots? I know they've got a bigger role in Banjo's sequel - but the big question is, will they be available in multiplayer? Will multiplayer have a version not unlike that of Goldeneye, cause I'd like the idea of finishing off my friends with a blue egg. Adding to Togepi_Ikari's idea about a Pokemon mode in PD, I'd quite like to see a Charmander writhe in pain, after being attacked by Joanna's version of a tazer.
Bob (well, James, actually)
PS I presume, that in PD, when you get shot, you don't still defy the laws of friction and zoom backwards sideways while having a leg in the air, simultaneously emptying your lungs, as was the case in that brilliant game named Goldeneye?
PPS Do you lot laugh at the feeble attempt at a game known as Tomorrow Never Dies?

Stop being nasty - it's Xmas and everything. Mind, as for your yellow Jinjo, I've got Banjo artists on the case and even they don't know what you're on about. The only likely candidates are the big gold statue in one screenshot (in which case, no, it's not), or the yellow thing on the track behind Banjo in another one (in which case, no, it's not). And as if that wasn't little enough information for you, allow me to divulge the titillating exclusive that we're not saying anything about Tooie's multiplayer modes just yet. Erm, sorry.

Dear Mr. Man,
Before I start, JFG rocks holy arse, and you must make a sequel! I am holding Midge hostage, make a sequel, and he will continue to live. Thank you. Oh and one more thing, about JFG's ending... I, of course, can't openly discuss it and ruin it for everyone, but I just wanted to know if the JFG team is aware that the ending makes no sense whatsoever, and creates a million and a half plot holes in the story. (Example: How did *you know who* get so much power?!) Here's my magical question: Does the JFG team have some explanation worked out that makes the ending MAKE SENSE that we would see if a sequel was made?
That's about it. Thanks ya crazy Brits!
P.S. The person who wrote in saying that Mrs. Pie's pies tasted like arse was right! They are made out of arse! The secret is out!

Mr. Man, eh? Can I be Mr. Bump? Mr. Bump's great.
Naturally there's no secret explanation for that shocking final 'plot' 'twist'. We just thought it'd be funny. Can't quite see how it opens up "a million and a half plot holes", though... you-know-who just went a bit mental, that's all. And Midge wasn't the best choice for hostage, either - his intense campness will have driven you to violence long before we've gotten around to paying up.

First I'd like to say that JFG is one of my favourite games of all time. How do you guys do it? The little touches - The Bug disco and arcade, Floyd missions, Mizar in his non-question mark glory, the wonderful cut scenes and on and on and on... It is so good, it could be better than Zelda. No, it is better than Zelda. Sucking up aside, how in arse's name did you manage to get Mr. Pants in the game? How did you persuade the developers to put this badly drawn man wearing a bowler hat and pants into this wonderful game? I think that should be Rare's new trademark. In every game: Mr. Pants. Go on, he will be in PD and DK64 won't he? Please. And look no p.s's. Or rubbish picture attachments. And I'm not an AOL user. This must be printed.
Mecha Mr Ed

Hang on - past editions suggest that all those things will in fact help your chances of being printed rather than counting as points against. Never mind, full marks for your brave yet futile attempt to buck the trend.
As far as I know Pantsy-boy didn't make it into DK64, but there are several possibilities being touted for a comeback in PD... none of which I realistically expect to come to fruition, but you know, it passes the time.

Person, Guy, thingy,
You might as well stop trying to conceal Perfect Pants, I have proof! A screenshot! Mr. Pants and Mrs. Pie in some nice shoot-em-up action!!! Muahahaha! Look at the advanced graphics! Look at them!!!! AUGHHHHH! NOOOODLE FISH!!! GET THE RATS OUTTA MY HEAD! OWWWWW! AAUUGGGH! OWWWWWCH!!!!
I rest my case.
PS: Lookie! Eeeven box art! Ooooh pretty... AUGHHH!! SNAAAAAKE!

Very nice. Your interpretation of the Rare logo is particularly fine. Actually we're pretty short on the old "rubbish picture attachments" this time around, so you win the prized title of "Most Rubbish" hands down...

Dear Scribes,
Why, 'allo, there. So, I'm going through old Scribes, and I come across the 'Loggo Era'. I loved it... but something disturbed me. Loggo is polygonal. While going through my books of B-K characters and such, I find that you did not even make a render of Tooty! Now this disturbs me. Remember back in the SNES games, when you had to make renders because that's what the in-game graphics were? But it seems to me that your artists have gotten rather lazy. They make their polygonal N64 models for the game, and spout them forth, hoping the dim-witted gaming public will think they're renders. But they're not. I'm glad that you've made a render of the Kritter-type Kremling for DK64, but please don't stop there. Tell those artists to make renders of each character, no matter how small or outright annoying it may be. Thank you, and goodnight.
Chad McCanna

Lazy? You cheeky scamp. Rendering is generally done for promotional purposes towards the end of a project, and you'd be surprised at how long the process takes, so we do what we can. Nobody's pretending that the polygonal in-game models are renders, but still, there's not that much difference in quality (if the models were rubbish we wouldn't put them in the game) and the alternative would be for you to wait months while we finish rendering each and every insignificant in-game minion, even as the game itself sits around totally finished...

Hello peeps,
Anybody have any idea when DK64 will be out in the UK? (More specifically, in the Electronics Boutique near Durham University?) I can't wait to get a chance to slap that big bad furry monkey into my eager and waiting console slot, etc etc.
Er, yeah... now for something more seriously-minded.
From Ed's evasive answers to this matter in previous Scribes, I have built up a rather strange idea of what might be causing the game Perfect Dark to be saddled with a mature rating from the word go.
Let's be anal about this (short for analytical. Obviously):
Question: Discuss, using quotations and diagrams where necessary, the awarding of a "mature" rating to the late-20th century gaming legend, Perfect Dark. Your answer will be marked on succinctness, structure, coherence, and theoretical accuracy.
(Time allowed: 2 hrs.)
Essay outline: [panic! panic! panic!]
Well, firstly, consider the most obvious reason for a mature rating: Sex.
I can't imagine Rare putting a full frontal shot of Jo Dark into the game, nor do I imagine she gets put into any Pulp-Fiction-esque compromising situations with twin hillbilly brothers (one named Zed) in a gunstore cellar somewhere. No, the reason cannot be because of sexual themes or nudity. So what then?
Violence? Well, from the few snippets I've seen of the game's first level, it looks like the violence level is not much higher than that of Goldeneye, which is pretty tame by computer game standards, you have to admit. So what else?
Curses and obscenities, perhaps? There is a difference. Terms like "damn" and "hell" and even the ubiquitous "God" will certainly consitute swearing... but the myriad of four-letter Anglo-Saxon words used to describe somewhat more bodily matters do not. They're the ones which only fall under the term 'vulgarities' - and they're the ones most likely to get a game boosted up to a mature rating.
The only other thing I can imagine is the question of plot and storyline. Let us imagine that the storyline is so convoluted and sophisticated that it can only really be understood fully by those who have a pretty good grasp of current affairs. (Though why this cuts out under-17-year-olds beats me. From how adept they are at handling the internet and playing N64 games, you'd have thought they'd be on the cutting edge of current affairs.) This is entirely possible, given that the storyline starts off with aliens and alien contact... which is so cliched a storyline that you'd imagine Rare would have to do a lot of elaboration and reality-tweaking to make it sound feasible.
With the genre of space and science fiction growing more and more tired and saddle sore, the ones that are truly classic are almost always the ones that are *NOT* immediately accessible to, say, the average 9-year-old kid (examples from literature, film, and games include: 2001 AD - A Space Odyssey, the Red Mars trilogy, the Chung Kuo octalogy, and the Alpha Centauri PC game, to name but a few). Perhaps Rare's similar moves to make PD more gritty and reality-based have resulted in a game that is similarly exclusive in its target audience. Therefore, it has to be made mature-rated in order to ensure that its players don't miss out the plot and feel shortchanged at the end of it... Desperate, desperate theory here indeed.
I'm aware that this email probably sounds terribly indulgent, patronizing, and condescending towards our younger N64 players, and I'd like to apologize for it. Having been Klobbed to death by more under-17s than I would care to admit, I have no intention of denouncing the playing prowess of that section of gaming society. But you have to understand I'm clutching at straws here, trying to work out why your game is excluding that age group, and if my theories are unbalanced... well, then perhaps that's because you people have been so darn oblique about the REAL reason.
So how about it? A few lines to explain PD's Mature rating? How much could that hurt you guys?
PS It has just occurred to me that the reason why you're being so quiet is that you guys really *know* something the Roswell aliens... and this is your way of telling us about it. Or warning us. Or just toying with us before you doff your human disguises and storm over the world like intergalactic stormtroopers. Ah, me, where are Juno and Vela in the real world when you need them???
PPS Leigh looks like an alien, so perhaps I'm not too far off the mark here.

The designer speaks, and he says: "One of your suppositions is nearly correct. It's not the one about aliens, tho'."
Oblique enough for you? You can probably rule out the swearing/'vulgarities' one too. Personally I was dumbfounded by the number of strange people who came popping out of the woodwork to splutter in outrage at the phrase "hell of a guy" in the DK Rap. As if any film, book, song or TV programme that dared to say such a thing (and in a particularly inoffensive context, no less - Good Lord, have we no shame?) would expect to get slapped with an automatic Mature rating. So does that mean 'heaven' is deeply offensive as well? And if not, why not? Sigh. (Gets off soapbox.)

Hey there, Scribes,
How in the world do you Brits get all those innuendoes past Nintendo? "Come over here and I'll teach you how to use your instrument," eh? "Let me show you my melons and my instruments." It isn't even subtle! Hilarious, yes. Subtle, no. I love you guys. Is there a transcript that says everything Fernando says in JFG regarding the, er, "specialist" magazine? It was hilarious, but I forgot it all. Also, In another Scribes, you said you were bitter at having to edit out some of Fernando's more enthusiastic praise for the magazine. What would this praise have been, then.
P.S. Does Mr. Pants make any other appearances in JFG other than the carving on the wall? He's my idle, he is.
P.P.S "Arse" isn't funny anymore, people - Quit saying it in P.S. as a stand alone thingy. Arse was soooo five minutes ago!
P.P.P.S Is Snide a cocaine addict? He is constantly sniffling (my little brother says it is because he's crying because he lost his blueprints - he's seven years old. Bless). First Tiptup's a commie, now Snide's a common drug dealer. How sad.

Oh no! Innuendo and a passing mention of drugs - that'll turn everyone reading this into a crackhead pervert!
I'd print Fernando's little 'specialist magazine' speech here for you, but I've got so many slightly different versions on file that I'd be bound to pick the wrong one and end up looking like an ill-educated, ham-fisted gibbon in front of everyone. And, er, we can't have that.

First, I think you guys are the coolest game company in the whole wide universe because your games are the best and your web-page is groovy. Second, why aren't there any rubber chickens in your games? After all these years of making videogames, you should have had at least one rubber chicken in a game. Maybe you could put a rubber chicken in Banjo-Tooie. That would be really cool.
I was looking in my Chemistry book and saw the ionic compound Arsenate. I looked for a funny metal to combine with it and saw Francium. Francium Arsenate. A French arse!... it really isn't that funny... A bit like the joke on your chocolate fudge bar...
Now that I'm done trying to be funny, could you please tell us all something new, like screenshots, about Banjo-Tooie. If you don't, I'm going to fly over to Twycross (on a plane of course) and hold Mr. Pants for ransom. I'll force feed him SPAGHETTI! Ha! HA! HAAA!
Since I mentioned arse and Mr. Pants, I'd better have my letter printed! Gotta go to work feeding the Stupid, Rude, and OVERDEMANDING FOOLS-THAT-WE-CALL-APPRECIATED costumers hamburgers that are poi... I mean hamburgers that are good
Kenny, the one they kill all the time in every episode

There, you've got your (currently chicken-free) Banjo-Tooie screenshots, are you happy now? Let's hope so - Mr. Pants hates spaghetti. He has enough trouble with the most basic of foodstuffs, thanks to those badly-sketched fingers.
Do you work at some kind of bizarre fast food/tailor hybrid, then? (No typo is safe.)

Dear Scriballistic Missiles,
Here's an interesting Goldeneye "tidbit" I found on the glorious Net. First, one has to set up a Multiplayer game in the Caves with Remote Mines. Next, enter the game (apparently no other statistic matters). Go to the area that normally would house the Golden Gun in the Multi Game Type of the same name. It's a really dark area. Supposedly, in this dark area, one can find the word "BAR" written backwards... somewhere. Place a ton of mines on the word and detonate them (from a safe distance). Enter the smoke and hit B on the word and you'll be able to walk through the wall and into a bar where there'll be some blokes knocking back a few.
What disturbs me about this the most, besides the fact that I couldn't find the word after a five-minute search, is that I believe the word "pub" is more appropriate in this case. Of course, I don't know how often you folks use either word.
Well, if you respond, you'll either be opening up a cute little Easter Egg, or dispelling another nasty Internet rumor, so if the latter is true, I hope you guys had as much a laugh as I did.
Yours and so on,
Scott Zdankiewicz

More great GoldenEye rumours! You spoil us. See if you can guess how much truth there is to this one from the designer's 'cryptic' response:
"Actually, the word on the wall is 'Esranworuoy', and you disappear up it. Hence the brown texture."
I think we're going to have to create a comprehensive directory of our own spaced-out rumours for Perfect Dark and start distributing them when it's released, just so we know more or less what to expect when they all come flooding back in.

Rare, my dear old thing,
First things first. Jet Force Gemini. My word. What can I say? The absolute dog's. Utterly tip-top. Arse-stuffingly good.
But I do have one minor little niggle. What's wrong with Her Majesty's Finest Olde English? We humble Brits haven't got much to shout about nowadays, but we should be immensely proud of Rare, and I certainly am. But it's a little tear-jerking to see that recently your games have bizarrely included American BASTARDISED spellings in the instructions and the in-game text. I'm sure things were spelt correctly in Goldeneye, so what's going on? Is it because Nintendo of America own a chunk of you? Is there some queer rule which stipulates American English in games?
We have to suffer enough cultural vomitting into our small island from the wooden planks as it is, without our proudest institutions resorting to Micky-Mouse spellings.
Thanks again for such a coloUrful game in Jet Force Gemini, it really is of the highest calibRE and easily one of my favoUrites.
Yours Dr-Samuel-Johnson-turning-in-his-grave-ingly,
Tim Wye

Yes, all text naturally has to be Americani'z'ed for the NTSC version, but if we time it right we sometimes stand a chance of pasting the original text back in for the PAL release. However, there's usually so much else going on by then that it just never happens. Or if the original dialect's a bit too British, it'd still leave everyone else in the PAL territories bewildered anyway. But hey, at least it's in some form of a language you can understand, and not, for example, Canadian French. (Snigger.)

Dear Scribes,
Have an original idea. No really! - Why not try making a completely original title for a change - you know, 100% Rare, rather than with the benefit of the odd game engine or exclusive developer tools provided by parent company Nintendo - that way, the gaming public might see you for what you are - namely mediocre and unimaginative (and arrogant too) - though to be fair, it does take some talent to come up with the consistently appalling character designs you lot seem to manage.
Oh and if you're wondering what brought this on, maybe it was seeing yourselves win Best UK Developer BAFTA, despite not having released anything over the qualifying period (or did Conker's Pocket Tales swing the vote for you.)
Brian R Malone-West

Sigh. Your idea of our working relationship with Nintendo is shaky at best. And maybe we should have released Perfect Dark this month just to sell on the name alone without a care in the world as to whether people get their money's worth or not, eh? Because we're so arrogant and everything. And as for the award, we were as surprised as you (just not quite as bitter) - though just because CPT was our only release over the qualifying period doesn't mean we weren't developing anything else during that time, does it?

Dear Creators,
I have come up with the most lucrative idea for you guys, ever!
It will be a TV show, a Game Boy game, and many plush toys! (Speaking of which, I would really like a Mr. Pants doll).
I call it: "Tribals", and its hook would be: "Gotta Save 'em all!"
The way I figure it is that you make the show first, about a month before the game comes out. It will be about Juno's dream to become "Tribal Master" of the universe. Each episode will be about Juno, Vela and Lupus running around looking for Tribals, while Mizar tries to steal their own pet Tribal.
To do this, Mizar thinks up elaborate schemes with his side-kick, who is, ironically, an evil Tribal called "Bucky" (did anyone else hate the buck-tooth Tribal? I know I did).
Juno's mentor will be Professor Jeff, who advises them. The police force will consist entirely of Magnus, and Tribal Centres will be staffed by Midge.
The GBC game would just be JFG again, which isn't such a bad idea. And there would be a Tribal card game and Tribal Pinball, where the ball is a Tribal head! (No, wait, I've gone too far).
Till next time!
mr_pants007@hotmail.com (formerly known as Togepi_ikari@hotmail.com)

We like it. Not much scope for vastly different special abilities between Tribals, mind, but no idea's perfect. As for 'Bucky', I'm surprised how few complaints we've had about the fact that he doesn't even hang around to be rescued after you jump in to stop him being eaten by the Mechantids...
And I hope you don't
really want a plush Mr. Pants doll, because let's face it, that's just weird.

Dear Scribes,
I'm just writing to ask if you have any RPG style titles in the works. It would be nice to see a Zelda (on Dolphin of course) beater coming from a company whose main attributes are little monkeys, Mickey Mouse, a now old Bond game and Perfect Dark. A title which took so long that all but its most dedicated/sheepish followers hung out for. I gotta admit I'm one of those followers, and a tad disappointed at that, after all with the new technology currently gracing my brand new PC PD can't help looking dated before it reaches completion. I'm not really one to usually criticise the best developer in the biz (but I will!) it's just the N64 has been fraught by delays ever since day 1 (which ironically was set back as well) and with only a handful of true quality titles DK64 and JFG are a sad case of bad timing: my message you ask; just for your sake bang out the titles early, ideally you should have few well underway by now.
If not for the sake of fame, riches and glory (and if you're really lucky pleasures of the flesh - that means women for the 12 yr olds who write in most of this trash) then for the sake of actually decent games for the educated gamers. Y'know the people who read EDGE not Playstation Power, who buy Nintendo consoles to play Rare and Nintendo games as they are truly great games, not like Tomb Raider 103 and FIFA, Rainy Edition 2.
Goddamit I love your games but please I just want to play more of them. Face it, truth is decent games publishers are an endangered species, to such an extent that respect in the industry starts and ends with Nintendo.
P.S Now that my rant's over I'd just like to say it would be nice to see more letters involving games instead of the usual "Mr. Pants has joined up with Cranky Kong and they're having it off in Funky's Shed, have a look @ the pic if you don't believe me". Still the replies are pretty funny...

Ah, so the secret of ultimate wisdom is to read Edge? Okay...
Seems you've got a problem with every one of our games that's not GoldenEye or Perfect Dark, but if every game we did was a first-person shooter, you'd be just as quick to complain (along with the rest of the gaming world). And if you feel you can't get any enjoyment out of DK64 or JFG just because we've released them quite late in the N64's life cycle, there's not a lot we can do about that either. It's the way development works - obvious as it sounds, games are finished when they're finished, so "banging out the titles early" just doesn't come into it.

Dear Scribes,
I may or may not have had a dream that might or might not have involved a character that might or might not be from a game that could or could not have been recently released under a title that may or may not be Jet Force Gemini, and in said dream the two parties who may or may not be Juno and I might or might not have been doing something that might or might not be considered "naughty."
This letter may or may not have been written by...
Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie (Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)

But Juno's a good guy! He's a hero! He wouldn't be seen dead stealing apples from his next-door neighbour's tree... assuming that's what you were on about.

Dear Scribes,
I wrote in on Oct. 11 with something that really shouldn't have gone unanswered. So I think I'll ask again. I've been really excited for the longest time now about the release of DK64 but a few things came across as simply WRONG. I would think that Rare's DK team would know that all monkeys, apes etc. run on legs AND arms. Don't say that you made them run on twos because of the holding of barrels and weapons because you could have just had the Kongs run on fours when nothing was in their hands and otherwise (when something was held) it would be twos.
Secondly, what could have possibly possessed you guys to remove the 2-player co-op tag-in mode from previous DKC games. This was one of the best features and a big reason I ever got into loving DK games and everything else behind it. You remember when the other Kong would follow you around until you tagged him in. If you're thinking it would take away from appeal (which it wouldn't) you could have had the option for tag-in or split-screen. This game (DK64) looked to be flawless, the best game in the world, but it lost a small piece of the fun with the no-show of the co-op. Anyway I realize it's too late now but if there is anyway you can throw these 2 things in it would be awesome. Please write back with your insight, just find a way to throw this in with the next Scribes update and please remember my thoughts on what I, more than anything, want to be the best game ever, DK64. Thank you.
A huge Rare and DK fan,
Mohamed Jaffer

The Kongs have never been restricted to running on all fours, largely because they're videogame characters and we can make the buggers do what we like. Does it really take that much away from the game's atmosphere? What about that weasel in a lab coat standing on his hind legs? You're alright with him, are you?
We did try out the whole cop-op tag thing during the early stages of DK64's development (ask for a Beta version and I'll kill you) but some ideas just don't function properly when carried over into 3D, and that was one of them. Plus having two main characters loping around independently of one another didn't exactly leave the game running like a dream, as you'd expect. You're far better off with the new character swap system, trust us...

Dear Scribes,
In JFG, when you collect a weapon, it magically appears from a futuristic-looking crate. See, I hate to release such a vicious rumour (AND THIS IS A RUMOUR, PEOPLE), but the crate looks suspiciously like a console to me. At first this looked a little like a fat N64, possibly with a 64DD underneath, but I soon realised this couldn't be it. Delving a bit further into the murky depths of my mind, I stumbled across a box marked "wildest dreams". Upon opening, a thought came into my mind that this could, juuuust possibly, be the Dolphin console. Obviously I don't expect a proper answer, more a mystical 'maybe', but a similar sneak preview happened in an earlier DK with the N64, didn't it? I await your non-answer with baited breath, Mr JFG Designer.
Richard Broderick

I'll go track down the man himself and see how 'proper' an answer I can get for you. Here goes:
"Call me predictable, but I'm going to have to go for 'That's a ridiculous thing to say, it looks nothing like a Dolphin... it looks more like a Porpoise.'"
I'm surprised people still write in to Scribes genuinely expecting information.

Dear Scribes,
If "Twunts" is such a fine word (as used by Dr Benway a few Scribes ago) then why o why do we not likewise commemorate such words as "Twazzock", "Taint", and "Barse"? Not to mention such swearificational potpourris as "Biffin", "Julf", and "Banjo-neck"?
I hereby demand that you pay equal and all homage to rude words of every walk of life, regardless of color, race, or creed, you imperialist, class-distinctive, xenophobic Pommy Brit scumbag you. [Twitches cheek playfully.] Gaaddammit.
Yours affectionately,
PS Please don't ask me what "Bismillah" means in Arabic. That was twenty four years ago, and I'm still recovering from my staged death. Shh! Don't tell!
PPS I amended one of my previous songs to warn the world about you, Mister Lovelace. [Clear throat, cue dancey music. Don Coronation Street costume. Ready, Roger? Okay here we go:]
I want to kill Leigh.
I want to ki-ill Leigh.
I want to kill Leigh:
Can't you see I believe he's the seed of all e--vil?
I've got to kill Leigh. (Yeah.)
God knows! God knows I've got to kill Leigh.
He's casting a spell.
He's casting a spell.
He's casting a spell:
Knows full well how to call upon forces of darkness. (Yeah)
He's casting a spell.
God knows! Leigh's planned a "Gay video hell".
(That's enough of that. - Leigh)

Receptive as I am to any and all "swearificational potpourris", the line has to be drawn well before it comes to cobbling together any old odd-sounding syllables and proclaiming them to be great new rude words - otherwise we'd be here all year. Mind, you'd certainly receive something of an education in the Art of Cuss were you to lurk outside the door during one of our pre-Xmas lunchtime Smash Bros. pile-ins.
Also, be warned that nobody's going to pay any attention to your
Coronation Street costume if you let Roger wear that frankly unsettling schoolgirl outfit again.

,sebircS raeD
I bought Conker's Pocket Tales a while ago just before my holiday in England (England is cool by the way) and finished it in a few days. I then put it away, and played it again on my Super Game Boy when I got home. It's cool how you bothered to go and make a new game for the b&w console. After finishing it, I finished it again on the Game Boy Colour (notice how I spelt it with a u) but I would now like to ask a few questions about the game:
1. Why is it that in the secret caves in the Colour version of the game, it is some underground purple castle thing, while in the b&w version of the came, it actually looks like the world that you got all the invites from?
2. Why is the hotel in Vultureville supposed to be four-star? If you look at the sign, there are four stars next to the name HOTEL. But you go inside, and there's no carpet, no seats (I don't count evil seats that attack you when you get close), one guy who just tells you to go somewhere else all the time (he tells me to go visit the undertaker, then the bank, then the sheriff), another guy who lost the key to upstairs - and the key is almost as big as he is, a room with one bed, a room with two beds, a room with two baths, and all the rooms are infested with rats or bats, and you go to the bar, and there's nothing to drink but Watney's Red Barrel (obligatory Python reference there). I mean, when they find out that Conker is really a hotel inspector in disguise, things are gonna change.
3. Why isn't the Spooky Forest spooky? I mean, at least the Mysterious Forest was mysterious.
4. I found Berri in the Catacombs, and she tells me that the bomb is about to go off, then she just disappears. Where does she go? Is she hiding in Conker's pocket, having some pocket tales? Interpret that however you want.
5. How stupid is the Evil Acorn? He puts a bomb in the Catacombs, then forgets to leave. What a silly acorn. Bet he wishes he'd become a doctor like his parents told him to, instead of an evil acorn.
6. There is NO question 6!
7. Why does the Forest Wong in the Mako Islands say g'day? Is he Australian?
8. I have written a kind of diary thing called Conker's Travels. It might be good to put it up, as it is kind of funny. If you ever saw that Lylat Wars diary that was in N64 magazine once, you'll have some idea of what I'm talking about.
9. If those acorn friends on the Mako Islands got Honker to participate in the swimming race and the hurdles race, why didn't they just kill him then and get it over with?
10. The boat race was supposed to be big. How come all they could get for competitors were a skunk and a squirrel?
11. How come Conker, a stupid squirrel, got 64 presents for his birthday? Surely he doesn't have that many friends. I envy him so much, I hope the presents hidden underwater just happened to be the ones that weren't waterproof. Ha.
Captain Sarcasmo

I can't answer these! I don't know anything about - oh, hang on. I can just get the team to answer them, can't I? Great.
"1. We had more space for new graphics on the colour version (notice how I spelt colour with a C).
"2. That would be a 4 star hotel around here.
The Blair Witch Project wasn't very scary but the Americans still fell for it.
"4. Berri really is hiding in Conker's pocket, but she's playing with Conker's Pokemon.
"5. Yes.
"6. ..........
"7. Yes.
"8. Let's see it then.
"9. Honker is hard and would have kicked them in.
"10. Honker killed all the other competitors.
"11. He probably has more friends than you - try going out more."

To the guy with the blue page,
I was reading a letter on your page by Devin529@aol.com, which mentioned K.Rool's wife. You then replied saying "we don't even know if K.Rool has a wife". Now, in DKC3, after killing KAOS in the laboratory, K.Rool says "my wife's going to kill me". Now, either you made a mistake (in which case you owe me $10000 for spotting it), you don't know what you're talking about, you aren't really the official Rareware page or you just make everything you say up. Now, seeing as you're English and your site doesn't have a .com.uk at the end, I'll say that's it.

If you mean .co.uk, I think you'll find that this site can be accessed at rare.co.uk in addition to a wide variety of other, possibly even more exciting domain names. And the "my wife's going to kill me" thing doesn't necessarily have to be relevant in any way as it's a typically throwaway Reeves and Mortimer reference. British comedy, eh? It's all a bit stupid, but what can you do?

Dear Scribes,
I recently snuck into Rare HQ disguised as a WPC. Sadly, I couldn't find out whether or not Jo Dark really was an averagely-endowed woman or just a very camp and convincing man.
But, I *did* find out a few interesting things about Mrs Pie! Her husband, Mr Pie, is a hardworking man, trying his best to support his wife. But the money's been tight recently, and job cutbacks at the nearby Twycross Meat Packing Plant have forced Mr Pie into a less reputable profession... he's become a door-to-door double glazing salesman.
Hounded by feelings of social inadequacy and financial dependence, he has become heavily in debt. He smokes thirty a day, and is also a moderate drinker, and comes home stinking of cheap brandy and fags... when he comes home at all. Mrs Pie, for so long his steadfast helpmeet, has begun to avoid, fear, and maybe even detest her husband. The marriage is fast becoming a pretence, and Mrs Pie can only find solace and comfort in the few desperate moments of intimacy that she snatches from the cruelty of everyday life with her close friend, Mr Pants the Survey Man.
The photographs shown hitherto tell a different story. In them, Mr Pants and Mrs Pie are shown happy, carefree souls: baking a cake, standing at the Whitley Bay seaside for the day, going for a picnic in nice weather. But behind each false smile lies a heart in torment, as this shaky love-triangle threatens to overturn all that they have struggled for...
Stay tuned for the rivetting new documentary exposing the desperate truth about animated cartoon adultery - "Pants in the Pieshop". Series starts tonight at nine, on Channel Five...
Goodie Cash

I couldn't have put it better myself. No, hang on - what I mean is I'd never have been arsed to put so much thought into it myself. Still, there's no standing in the way of true love, as demonstrated by the tragic yet beautiful tryst between Mr. Pants and Mrs. Pie. But inevitably, Mr. Pie is becoming suspicious of the ink stains and threads of bright red cotton that keep turning up on his wife's clothing, and the seeds of revenge are even now beginning to germinate... I tell you, there's a Shakespeare play in here somewhere.

Dear Scribes,
Congratulations on completely ruining a fine game. Jet Force Gemini was going along fine as a game I had decided that once again was up to Rare's usually high standards. Then I hit the Lupus Boss or Mantis level. Besides being impossible to complete, there are absolutely NO working codes to help with this matter. Having completed all other possible levels the game is now a pointless frustration that I can go no farther into. All other characters have already reached their final stages and still there is no way to get past those bosses. So you have managed to lose my business (like you care). I will not be purchasing another of your games until I find out if they are as impossible to succeed in as this one. I enjoy a challenging game as well as the next person, Banjo is still one of my favorites, but when a game just becomes pointless half way through it, I guess it's time to find other companies to waste my money on.

Oh no! Did we accidentally release an impossible game again? That's always happening! It's just a shame that you didn't write in earlier, because thousands of hapless players around the globe have already completed JFG, oblivious to the cold, hard fact of its impossibility. Just imagine how they're going to feel when they find out.

Dear Scribes,
What is your reaction to the realese of the dreamcast you poo heads, one more thing Playstaion are SH*TTY AND SMELL OF POO . SO DOES P2. But N64 on the other hand SMELLS OF LOVELY ROSES AND WILL KICK THE BOTTOM OF SONY AND SEGA. THE DOLPHIN, well, THAT WILL KILL THEM ALL MAHAHAHA. YEA BABY YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kevin Harris

Excellent. Thanks, 'Kevin'.

Dear Scribes,
My name is Phillip Kuhler and I was wondering if you had a tentative release date for Perfect Dark yet?
I also wanted to thank you. Goldeneye has helped me become the pale-skinned recluse that I am. I enjoy playing the single person mode just as much as the astounding multiplayer mode. Even though my roommates and I have been playing this game going on 2 years now we can still play for hours, with no attention paid to the time. I truly feel as if you have created a masterpiece. A Pong, or Pacman of the 90's. A whole new Bond dialect has been formed. Words such as 'birth-ed' and 'straggeti' and phrases such as 'got dead' and 'I am suck' have never been heard more. My friends and I have spent and will continue to spend countless hours when we should be studying in front of our 35" desperately trying to kill each other. Thank you so much!
I look forward to the release of Perfect Dark. I am sure you have done an excellent job, and again thank you!
Phillip Kuhler

You're lucky. The designer's gone all festive and mellow:
"Ah well, it's Christmastime. Our scheduled release date for Perfect Dark is still April, as Nintendo stated a while ago. And we're very glad that you continue to enjoy GoldenEye. Although your English teachers must be apoplectic by now."
I thought 'I am suck' was strangely charming, myself.

To you crazy bunch of screwed up "people",
It is with some amusement that I write this letter, mostly because of my brother's position on this fine website. Allow me to explain:
My twin brother, many months ago, worshipped your site. He visited it every day in the vain hope that you may have for once fulfilled his high hopes and updated. I was then a stranger to the ways of Rareware, until a strange event triggered my curiosity. It started when he seemed to stopped visiting your website almost entirely. When I asked why, he seemed to show reluctance to tell me. For months and months this dragged on, until finally I decided to visit the site myself and see what seemed to make him so upset. As I stumbled upon your letters page I thought to myself: "Hmmm... not bad. I can see why Sean (my brother) seemed to like it." I scroll down, laughing at the occasional joke, until, what's this? A reference to my brother? Could it be? Without bothering to finish the paragraph, I clicked on a link that followed, to a certain "Uncle Tusk" I believe, and found myself completely astounded! There it was: a letter from my ashamed brother, Sean "Bond" Williamson. I laughed as I saw him get completely told off by Mr. Tusk, and, as I dived further into the murky depths of Scribes, I realized the truth. My brother is a God amongst you and your people. However, you seem to give him a bit of a hard time. I'm not here to stop you, just to tell you: feel free to continue your insults. He deserves it anyway. And to make it worse, all I need to do is "accidently" reveal his email... Should I? Ahh, to the hell with it: (Snip. - Ed) Feel free to tell him what you really feel about him and his lousy 4 minute time.
Matthew "Brother of the Loser" Williamson

Ah, but with so many impostors crying Williamson wolf these days, it's hard to know what to believe. Intriguing as the twin brother story may be (would that make you equally crap or astoundingly competent, having swiped both shares of natural ability in the womb?), I can't help but catch the familiar reek of subterfuge here. If anything, I think you could be The Original Williamson, out to claim your well-deserved glory without revealing your true identity and thus attracting another barrage of ridicule for your legendary "not crap" GoldenEye exploits. Could it be true? Have you come to redeem us at last? Show yourself!

Bumper Snippets too! (Appalled groan in background.)

December X Snippets Special

November 10, 1999
October 28, 1999
September 16, 1999
August 25, 1999
July 19, 1999
June 23, 1999
June 4, 1999
April 29, 1999
March 30, 1999
March 1, 1999
February 11, 1999
December 24, 1998
December 1, 1998
November 2, 1998
October 7, 1998
September 25, 1998
August 28, 1998
July 24, 1998
June 23, 1998
June 2, 1998

Main Scribes Index