You know, I have places to go, people to see, bills to pay, etc, etc. I do NOT need to be
stumbling across the Scribes page at 1 am only to have it keep me up until 4:30! You should be
ashamed of yourselves! Rest assured, I had INTENDED to make this a nice, quiet, well thought-out
and perfectly written message. However, I have, instead, opted to go for the Parliamentary (is
that even a word?) approach and yell and scream until I get some attention.
With that all said, I take you now to the actual POINT of Ye Olde Message. Whoever is responsible
for the voice of Trent Easton in PD should be SHOT! Nay! Drawn and Quartered! Nay! Should
be fed to the rabbits! That'll teach him! A few choice words could also be thrown in in regards
to Daniel Carrington and the President of the United States. So, please, I implore you, explain
to me WHY, after having all of those wonderful voice-overs for Joanna and Elvis, was the decision
made to completely fu... mess up the rest of the voice overs? As a learned man once said, "It
just ain't right!"
p.s. Is it true that I'm the only living being left on the planet who actually remembers "Sledge
One man's meat is another man's poison, as the slightly stupid and unhygienic saying goes.
Plenty of people love the "Sean" Carrington voice-over, some want to punch Elvis every time he
opens his mouth, one review even referred to our own Joanna as a "5 dollar actor" (they're
probably dead now). But I have to admit it did make me snigger every time I heard Trent try to
say "presidential entourage".
A closing note from the designer: "Happily, two of the voices you are complaining about are done
by the same person, thus saving on bullet expenditure."
PS The Peter Gabriel song or the dodgy cop show?
Dear artless bawdy beslubbering bootless errant frothy goatish lumpish wayward yeasty
beef-witted crook-pated elf-skinned fat-kidneyed folly-fallen milk-livered tickle-brained
barnacle monkeys named Phil that eat chicken for breakfast (arse),
I would just like to say I like cool stuff. Do you? I guess I have to say something intelligent
pertaining to a game so, Donkey Kong. There now I said something about a game. (I don't know
either). What possessed you to make Conker's Bad Fur Day? Was it something you ate? Why
would you do it? I should make a petition to... never mind what do I care, just make it.
P.P.S. Don't make fun of my current state of metal health!
It's a shame the rest of your letter failed so comprehensively to match the standard set by your
colourful greeting. In response to your Conker query, the team leader says: "I think perhaps
the shock therapy hasn't worked yet. Come back later when you get more powerful medication."
PS We say 'posterior' around here, you rude boy.
PPS Why, are you a bit rusty? Haha.
I've been playing Rare games since the days of Atic Atac so feel slightly embarrassed that
after all this time I'm taking the trouble to have my name printed alongside these snot-nosed
brats who missed those happy days of heavy objects placed precariously on tape recorders and
fumblings with volume controls, but anyway.
How do the Rare team get on with Shigeru Miyamoto? Seeing as Nintendo is such a cutesy company,
is it a tolerant relationship? I mean, GoldenEye in particular really seems to have set a
new precedent for the company in having Rare cater for that weird Western market who would rather
kneecap security guards than p*ss about with Doshin the Giant.
What does he really think of the violence of JFG, Golders and Perfect Dark, not to
mention Conker's latest incarnation? Also, as you guys seem to be keeping the system afloat over
here (Zelda apart, obviously), can you see a time when Rare will start to have input into
console strategy, controller designs etc? Or do you already...?
Dave B, London
You should have got yourself a Spectrum +2, mate. Built-in tape recorder, and oh! So much 'more'
Rare has done games that don't involve shooting, you know. We're not all about popping people in
the unmentionables - we do plenty of happy laughing freaky big-eyed stuff as well (in fact it's
usually those ones that people moan about). I'd imagine Mr. Miyamoto takes the same philosophical
"every base needs to be covered" approach as Nintendo.
Rare console involvement: see next letter.
If Rare developed a games console, then it would surely be the best on the market - at any price.
Therefore, it could not be considered a 'con'. So you'd have to add a different prefix. I thought
that you could then add the famous Rare "R". Similar to the much (not) vaunted X-box, we could all
anticipate playing with our R-soles. If you did them in different sizes, then obviously "Who's got
the biggest R-sole?" would become standard playground banter, while after school, children could go
to each other's houses to play with each other's R-soles. (With some of your games you could even
give away R-sole expansions.)
Mind you, the cartridges would have to be small.
Well, they might have to be small to begin with, but after enough dedicated multiplayer action
you'd probably start to see a natural increase in the capacity of the R-soles. You know, a wider
range of insertion possibilities as a reward for the real hardcore players, sort of thing. We
should probably stop now.
I just wanted to express my disappointment at Nintendo and Rare for moving towards more and more
adult centred games.
I traded for Perfect Dark (so I didn't have to pay money!!) and it is a great game.
However, there is no need for the language. I bought the game IN SPITE OF the language and
graphic violence, not because of it.
Fortunately there is a paint-ball mode for the violent part (thanks at least for that - did you
think of having an option to turn off the profanity?) Also what is the point of "you bitch" in
Perfect Dark? Why is it necessary to degrade the female character? [This one especially
bugs my wife - also a video game fanatic.]
With young children we will certainly NOT be buying Conker's even though this character
is one of our kid's favorites. And we will consider not buying Rare games in the future in
protest - even though they are some of the best. It will also give us hesitation when the
Dolphin becomes available.
I admit, the swearing especially I don't understand. Isn't swearing just an outlet for someone
who can't express themselves well (you should send a copy of this to the writers of the game!!)
If I had begun this letter with something like "Hey you f**king b*st*rds, what the f**k are you
doing?" I am sure you would have felt it was unnecessary and rude. BINGO! So why the need for
it in a game?
Think again about your move!! It may not affect your pocketbook (though then again it might!)
but there are ethical questions as well. Think about those.
Mark & Lorraine Fearnall
You can't please all the people all the time. That's what it inevitably comes down to. Of course
you won't be buying Conker for your children - it's a Mature-rated game, like PD,
and an attempt to reach an older market that's traditionally not as well catered for. If you really
want to lynch us just for trying to branch out, well, that's your decision - but we've still got
Banjo-Tooie, Dinosaur Planet, Mickey's Speedway, DKC Game Boy and
plenty of other family-orientated games on the cards, so it's not as if PD and BFD
have turned us into some kind of disreputable adult games company overnight, is it?
By the way, there is a language filter in Perfect Dark... and starting your letter
with "Hey you f**king b*st*rds" would hardly have made it stand out from the crowd, believe me.
Dear Cheeky Young Scamp,
The one reason you MUST post this letter is because of the rubbish picture attachment included...
I... er... "took" the picture while bored, having nothing else to do... honestly, these delays
are as annoying as Paul from Neighbours... :-)
It is a screenshot I took while playing an early version of the beta 1.17 version ROM, which I
downloaded from the internet. You'll notice in it a cameo appearance by Garry Haywood (by the way,
there are now rumours in some forums that Garry Haywood is your alter-ego... [by someone I may or
may not call Kablooie]... quash them... =) as well as the basic villains of Mr.Shoe, Mr.Sock in
the distance, Mr.Tie and Mr, er, Banana. DK Banana. Shown, is the amount of money you will
probably make from sales. You will notice that Mr.Pants is using his *PATENTED* (got it right,
this time) George Michael variant move; the Gary Glitter. The theme music for this level is the
theme tune from "Sharky and George", while Mr.Pant's Co-op sidekick, He-Man replica; Tusk, will
also be appearing in the final version.
OK, that's all. Except for the PS's. Sorry. Big up ya'self. Keep i' real.
-Martin Badowsky/aka Alf-Life.
PS. I think you should start numbering the Scribes issues... OK, maybe not, the dates'll do.
PPS. What do you think of The Bloodhound Gang's Song; The Bad Touch? -- A worthy main page
alternate text for the Main Rareware Logo?? ;-)
PPPS. Joanna Dark Diggler, Dash You, Conker's Bad Fur/F*cking Day?, Hell/heck,
PD Blimey, PD model "Pro" at E3? Arse, Leighus Lovedayus... and a bunch of other
stuff I wanted to say but couldn't be bothered to put into sentences at 5am...
PPPPS. And finally -- I think we should prepare a warm welcome to our old friend, Sean
Williamson... now that the button-tapping codes are out, I'm sure he'll return as a regular
Scribe again, if he can get the buttons pushed quickly enough. (Unless, he's Sir Slush 2 and has
been fooling us cleverly all this time, but who's really a Jinjo, descendant of the more advanced
Tribals [that move around this time instead of just whistling], who are really Mumbo, but when
wearing a mac, become Garry Haywood, who in turn is Leigh Loveday's doppelganger.) Hmmm... I should
really go now...
*Grits teeth* Yes, a very impressive attachment. I'll refrain from the vicious outburst you'd so
richly deserve if you'd sent this in after the plea for something different in the previous
edition, because, er, you didn't. So that's fair enough. To a certain point.
PS Yes. They will. You can take your logistical nightmares elsewhere.
PPS Haven't heard it. Yes, I know it's currently in the top ten - that's exactly why I haven't
PPPS You don't want to know the kind of stuff that goes through my head at 5am.
PPPPS Here's your coat.
I have this theory about the black sheep in the Rare family - the secret Stamper brother.
Y'see Rare games are all fun and lead you in gently explaining the rules, always gently encouraging,
little thumbs-up every now and again. And then you finish the game on its initial settings. You
feel good. Rewarded. It got a bit hairy at times but, hey. You pulled through. Why not have a go at
the harder levels/try and find some of those secrets? you think. Then the nightmare begins. The
barbarity of the game is unleashed.
And herein lies my theory. The nice Stamper boys and all their chums down Twycross spend years
polishing together a lovely, fair, playable game. But, on the the week before release, in a severe
lack of sanity Chris takes the game down to the third Stamper in the basement. Let's call him Jerome.
Jerome has no sense of decency or politeness or basic human respect. It is he who puts in the
hair-removingly difficult sections, decides where to put the secrets, thinks up bizarre logic. This
also, incidentally, explains your constantly pushed back release dates. You haven't submitted the
game to Jerome yet.
I don't feel anger towards Jerome. In fact it goes along the lines of pity the emotions I feel.
There he is in the Rare basement on a diet of hairy pie and fish suppers (don't worry the Americans
won't get it) with no company. You can understand his bitter streak. But for the love of humanity
please stop showing your fine, fine games to him.
P.s. Any chance of a sequel to Blast Corps? Ta, chuck.
P.p.s. I named this email The Third Stamper and my spell check corrected it to 'The Turd Stamper'
which made me laugh. For a bit.
The funniest thing about this letter is the fact that there is indeed a third Stamper brother here
at Rare. He doesn't go by the name of Jerome in any circles that we're aware of, but it's true that
he never seems to be in his room, so he might well spend most of his time down in the basement
sampling the latest wares of our in-house restaurant. We'll certainly look into this disturbing
PS You make it, we'll publish it. Or not.
PPS What kind of half-arsed spell-checker are you using that doesn't know the word 'third'?
Dear Englishmen/-women, (Or maybe "Englishman" would be more appropriate...)
Hello again. It is I, the halfway notorious Pat Mundy, from past Scribes, under a new e-mail address
of course. In any case, I felt it was about time I sent in another letter, since all my last ones
have been pants attempts. What the heck, I'll even throw in some mildly useful questions and proper
British spellings. And since it's become a fad of sorts, I suppose I'll number my questions too.
1. I've been wondering: if an American/Brit had a spelling bee and a word like "flavour" or
"organise" was given to the speller, and he/she was in America and spelled it like a Brit, or he/she
was in England and spelled it like an American, would it be counted as incorrect, or would it be
seen as another version of the word and therefore be a valid spelling? Sure, it might not matter,
but it is an interesting topic. Okay, maybe not.
2. What exactly do you do all day besides answer Scribes and work on the newest rendition of the
DKR manual? I'm sure you do something, but seriously, what exactly is your occupation? Not
meaning to intrude on your privacy or anything, just curious.
3. I'm a bit surprised you haven't gone further with the necessity of u's in many words ending with
"or." What if you started spelling words with u's with o's? It really is quite an interesting way
of doing things. Personally, I think it's a bit embarrassing that some American authority decided
to "dumb down" the English language by making interesting words like "catalogue" so dull.
4. Have you seen the movie "Angela's Ashes?" It's a great movie for two reasons - One, it has the
word "arse" in it on several occasions, and two, it has the villain who acted in "The World Is Not
5. I can't help but notice how un-selfconscious people are when they bash other countries. What's
your opinioun on this? (Note that I spelled the word "opinion" with an added u for your amusement.)
6. The needs of arse are becoming a bit neglected. Why, in the most recent Scribes, I can't say I
saw it in even a quarter of the letters. Don't you think it's your duty to revive it somehow?
7. Who's got them tickets?!
8. Why is the glass in Jet Force Gemini so smeary looking? Doesn't Mizar have enough funds
to have his Tribal slaves at least wash his windows once in a while?
9. Note that I will gladly make a donation to your company's efforts when Perfect Dark comes
out. But one question: Are there any references to arse in it?
10. Is it true all your food there in England is boiled and tastes rather nasty? Or maybe I just
Well, thank you for taking your time cleverly avoiding my last few letters. I like to think you at
least took the time to read them before pressing the delete button. However, you do know that the
more you don't post, the more I'll have to e-mail to make up for the lost letters... But in any
case, I'm grateful for what you do and I love your games. Very insightful if I do say so myself.
P.S. Am I the first person to ever put a proper closing on a Scribes e-mail? Oops, too late, I've
killed it with a P.S...
1. I'm so glad you resolved that one in the privacy of your own head at the last minute.
2. Sigh. Manuals. Intranet. In-game text. Press stuff. No idea what my job title is these days.
The answer's not going to be any different no matter how many times the question's asked, you
3. Well, exactly. Shouldn't you be answering your own question seeing as you're the ones who keep
messing about with the language, eh?
4. Yes, that little-known star of some of the biggest-grossing British films of all time, Robert
5. Depends on the level of irony and/or sheer grunting stupidity present in the opinions offered.
6. Composite arsisms are the in-thing now, man. Haven't you been paying attention?
7. Alison Moyet.
8. If it wasn't smeary you wouldn't be able to see it properly, then you'd complain that we hadn't
put enough time and effort into designing the texture. Yes you would. I know your sort.
9. Can't say I remember any...
10. Boiled? We practically invented the fry-up, you cheeky young scamp. How dare you challenge us
in the junkfood arena when you don't even know the proper usage of the word 'chips'.
Well, after days of Deep Thought I came up with two likely greetings:
Good day, Leaky - which would refer to Leigh/Leaky from B-K, gettit, or Dear Rear, which
would cleverly sound like Rare but have the meaning of the beloved a-word. Both were so good, I
couldn't decide, so sorry, I don't actually have an opening to my letter.
All right then, for my actual request/polite wish. Do you have any more pictures of that most
excellent of all DK-monkeys, Chunky? You see, I've got an N64 web-site up, just so you know
the URL is <http://www.geocities.com/shigerufan> and I'd love to have more pictures of Chunky
as he is the best thing to ever hit my TV-screen. All the monkeys were good, but you obviously saved
the best for last, for joy was complete when I saw that bulky, hairy monkey-man. I never let anyone
else be Chunky in multiplayer. Chunky rocks. I love Chunky. I'm changing my surname to Chunky. I
watch the brain-melting rap just to see Chunky. Etc ad nauseum. But I've only found two, pathetic,
small pictures of Chunky on this site and the official one and I want a big, huge, natural size one!
Well, almost, anyway. So please, kind Rare-man, who probably is very good-looking and brave and gets
tons of girls, and is not at all the Cranky-like b*stard you pretend to be, consider my wish. Would
bring happiness into my life, you know.
Just a Hunky Chunky burnin' love,
Sod your happiness, I'm just in it for the flattery. Just click on that little Chunky pic up there
for the Hunky Chunky version - how does that grab you? Big, brash and butch as you like. Glad to be
of service, squire.
Dear Rubbish Picture Attachment Reciever,
I bet you're tired of recieving rubbish picture attachments, so I have a little variation.
It's a rubbish music attachment! (rma)
Okay, bwahaha etc I have snuck into your HQ and I got a sample of
Mr. Pants 64 music. I have a good memory and I immediately
ran home and sequenced it into midi form. So yeah, blah blah, etc etc. So there! Yeah!
Now we return to your normal Scribes, which is of course far from normal.
I before E except after C, man! What's wrong with you? Top tunes, though. I just hope I'm long
dead before someone comes up with the technology for a rubbish smell attachment.
We love you and the things you do. We were a bit bored waiting for the US import of Perfect
Dark to arrive so while we've been waiting we've been busy making something.
It initially started when we (my flat) referred to Perfect Dark as Perfect Duck in our
conversations, and from there the idea sprouted like a sprout. We set up a little site this week
as a homage and as something to do to keep us off the streets.
I hope you like it, cos we like you.
If we could see the point, we'd probably like it even more. You slightly odd people. But, er...
This is my first time writing to a website. I have a few things to say and questions to ask:
I. Conker's BFD. I understand by now why you made the decision to star friendly Conker in
such a genre game. You have defended your case very well. Yet, I have my concerns. Will the "old"
Conker I know and remember from Conker's Pocket Tales and Diddy Kong Racing ever
return? What about Berri? I have two younger relatives who love and admire Berri. I'm sure that
there will be others who miss her as well. Please confort all of us by telling that she will be
back as her old self. Finally, if you recall the days of Twelve Tales, a mysterious green
owl named Knowit was supposed to make a shining debut. He was cute, and I loved him. Will we ever
see him in a Rare game again?
II. DK Game Boy Color. I'd just like to state that it looks like a million bucks, maybe even
better. Thank you for your time, and good day.
Okay, time to clear up this little discrepancy between Conker's starring vehicles once and for all.
Let's get the team in on this:
"Conker is just playing a role. In DKR and CPT he was cute, cute and cute. Not
wanting to be typecast (like most great actors), he's decided to explore this new and more
"Anyway, contrary to popular belief Conker isn't the bad guy in the game and he certainly never
swears, just everyone else does! The Conker from those early products was a younger, more naive
character and like most real people he's grown up a bit, and with that comes a more cynical and
"This also applies to Beri, who is still Conker's other half and has certainly grown up a lot
since her TT days, as you'll find out."
And there you have it.
So what about that weather eh? Anyway on to my questions.
1. Can you kill Bottles in Banjo-Tooie? (Please say yes.)
2. Will Dinosaur Planet be better than Zelda? If not, then why the hell not you lazy
3. Does Mr. Pants have a nose or is some kind of animal living on his face?
4. Don't you hate Americans?
5. What's the meaning of life?
Short and to the point, that's what we like.
1. No, and there's a very good reason for that.
2. Tell you what, give us a chance to finish it - then we won't answer your provocative questions
anyway, you rascal.
3. You're looking too closely. Rubbish picture attachments are the next step. Back off while you
4. No, the British have an equal amount of vague dislike for everyone.
5. You should know, Brian.
Just read that you are working on Dino Planet game. That game looks promising. However,
there is one thing troubling me. You decided to go with speeches instead of text. That is nice, very
nice actually, but I really really really hope you still give the text option. Why? Because you'll
never know what might happen when you are playing. Telephone, door knock, water boiling, etc., etc.
Not to mention if the speech is not clear enough. Imagine playing this game with your 4-year-old
brother around, and you'll see what I meant.
So, do use speech, but please keep the text option.
Don't worry, we think of everything. Well, nearly. Well, we've thought of this, at least:
"The game also displays text. All you will need to do is hold down the R Button whenever anyone
speaks and the text will be magically displayed on the screen."
While reading through the praising reviews of Perfect Dark, I happened to read about the
basic story, the characters and the weapons. This is when the thought crossed my mind. A lot of
this was very similar to an Anime movie I had seen called Ghost in the Shell. I don't know
whether you've seen it or not but Ghost in the Shell has various similarities to the
characters and story of our beloved Perfect Dark, which I will now list...
- GITS (Ghost in the Shell) and PD are both set in the future with similar
technological advances and gadgets, like the cloaking devices and such.
- Joanna Dark looks veeeery similar to Major Motoko Kusanagi, the main character of GITS.
They both have short, dark hair, same build, same type of battle outfits, and if weren't for the
fact that Kusanagi is a cyborg, I'd say that they're almost twins.
- Jonathan is Joanna's partner, and his weapon of choice is a Magnum. One of Major Kusanagi's
partners, Togusa, also has a Magnum as his weapon of choice. Hmmm...
- The head of the Carrington Institute, Daniel, is an old guy. The head of Special Security Police
Section 9 (where Kusanagi and co work) is also an old guy. (That's a pretty stupid statement, I
- The head of the main evil in PD and GITS is a woman.
- The new RCP in Perfect Dark looks similar to the one Kusanagi uses near the end of Ghost
in the Shell.
There could be more, but I'll leave them for now. So it's hit me, that Perfect Dark is very
similar to Ghost in the Shell, and I close this letter be asking you - is it?
Edmond Tran (aka Toad!)
I knew he wouldn't be able to resist this one. So for those of you
really not interested in the minutiae of the film and how they do/don't relate to PD,
I won't hold it against you if you move swiftly on to the next letter.
"Jonathan isn't her partner. Joanna is almost always a solo agent, the Major almost always works
as part of a team. The PD cloaking device is a small box that projects a field over the
bearer, while the Ghost In The Shell cloaking device is a suit that hides the wearer.
"The head of the Institute was going to be George Dawes, but he was just a big baby. Have you
noticed how the Bond films ripped off the idea by having 'M' as an older guy too?
"There is no 'evil woman' in Ghost In The Shell. You're referring to the cyborg body
taken by the 'Puppetmaster', who is in fact a neutral character.
"The RC-P120 is made up; it's based mainly (for continuity purposes) on the design of another
Carrington Institute weapon, the AR34 assault rifle, which is partially based on the real-life
FAMAS assault rifle... Kusanagi, however, uses a Seburo, which is similar to an FN-P90.
"I'd be lying if I said there was no influence, but it's not as widespread as you make out,
and most of your arguments are wrong. Sorry."
Is it me, or does that British salutation ("chaps") sound like a venereal disease? Anyway,
maybe you remember me. Maybe two or three "Scribes" editions ago a letter of mine was printed,
in which I asked several intelligently formed inquiries concerning some of the frequently asked
DK64 issues (secret levels, the Tiny pedestal, etc.), and wonder of wonders, I received
serious answers! Well, here's the thing, after not receiving any of your regular crap ass
responses I began to feel a bit left out and unappreciated. for the next few weeks I visited
the Scribes page each time it was updated, saw the arse flakey (is that a good arse-ism?)
answers other people got, and I finally decided I needed to write another letter to get some
good ol' dumb butt answers!
So here goes some completely retarded questions. Please answer them with equal retardedness:
1. When will Perfect Dark part 5 come out? Will there be an arse mapping feature?
2. In Banjo Tooie, will the Jinjos be playable characters?
3. Will Rare ever create games for the X-Box or Dreamcast? (Never mind that you guys are
partially owned by Nintendo; again just an arse fruity answer will do.)
4. And finally, why are there so many homosexual themes in Rare games? (Lanky slapping his ass
invitingly to the gamer; so many of the Kong family members always failing to wear garments
designed for the lower regions of the human anatomy; Kazooie all too frequently willing to
reside in Banjo's clothing; among many others.)
Thanks chaps! (I still can't get over that word.)
Allow me to answer your questions in a special 'enthusiastic-but-slightly-illiterate PR person'
kind of way.
1. Unfortunately we're not able to release any information on Perfect Dark 5 right now.
But we're sure you'll love it if it ever gets made!! The arse-mapping feature is a great idea -
we'll bear it in mind and add your name to the credits whether we use it or not!!
2. That would be fantastic!! Unfortunately this aspect of the game has not yet been finalised,
but thanks for your interest!!
3. Rare couldn't be happier in its current position developing for Nintendo, and we see no reason
to change the arrangement at any time in the near future!!
4. It does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it??!! But of course that's not really the case!!
YOU STUPID SOD.
A friend of mine was surfing around in Perfect Dark and came across a glitch! <gasp,
gasp... oh my...> A glitch in the "perfect" game, which seems quite ironic. Well here's the
glitch for you, which is a really, really, really stupid thing for Rare to have done. I thought
we quit "misspeling" words in elementary school...
Choose an agent that has unlocked all Classic Arenas. Go into Combat Simulator, then into
Advanced Setup. Get to the choose your arena option, and scroll down to the Classic Arenas.
Notice "Felicity"... Wasn't it spelled "F'A'cility" in GoldenEye? Hmm... you make the
call. Maybe the guys were watching Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (the character
Felicity Shagwell) when they were programming the game?
I've even enclosed a picture taken with my digital camera to show you the proof if you don't
have access to PD right at this very second.
The guy who discovered this glitch was Michael Lese of South Carolina. His
e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org. My name is John Kary from Kansas, e-mail
Just thought I might point this out to somebody.
Tsk. If we were going to misspell 'Facility', what are the chances we'd inadvertently turn it into
another perfectly valid word? GoldenEye's Facility level was based on a scene from the film,
while the Aztec and Temple levels were completely original. PD has no connection to that
film, and while PD's version of the Facility isn't identical to GoldenEye's, we
thought we'd change the name a bit anyway just to be on the safe side. Do you see?
Dear Resident Scribologist,
I happen to be an American and I was rather offended by Mr. Ricardo's "American Pants" sketch.
Mr. Ricardo must not know very much about the average American, as his sketch was somewhat
inaccurate. In order for American Pants to be truly representative of the average American,
he should have a handgun and a picket sign reading "insert random protest here" in addition
to the enormous beer belly and top hat.
-Karl "fed up with this country" Zickler
Thanks for restraining yourself from actually updating the picture and sending it in again. Every
letter without a rubbish attachment of some sort is an achievement in itself these days.
"Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells.
Grapes, melons, oranges and coconut shells
What is striking here? Exactly, all the eatables, mentioned in the 'fridge' (bridge) of the
DK Rap are actually _in_ the game. Except... the walnuts!
Furthermore, the ammunition of all the Kongs - Donkey's coconuts, Diddy's peanuts, Lanky's grapes
and Chunky's pineapples - are alle mentioned in the 'fridge'. Except... Tiny's feathers!
From all this, only one conclusion can be drawn: THERE IS A BETA VERSION OF DONKEY KONG
64!! In this Beta version, Tiny used walnuts for ammunition. Since I'm such a big Rare fan,
I think you should send me a copy of this Beta version! Awww, come on! Please!
Caspar van der Heiden
PS Could you please explain what the "Jimmy Saville-joke" at the end of JFG is? For the
readers who aren't British or haven't ever heard of Jimmy Saville for another reason?
You can laugh, but all around the world there'll be young kids and thick people shrieking at their
parents and/or bank managers because the words "BETA VERSION OF DONKEY KONG 64!!" caught
their eye and they didn't feel the need to get this in any sort of context before launching into
a full-on monkeyed-up frenzy.
PS Jim'll Fix It is a great British TV institution where professional old man Sir Jimmy
Saville makes the wishes of impressionable youngsters come true, and after he's done so he forces
them to wear one of his cheap and nasty Jim'll Fix It medals as punishment. He also goes
"Uhuhuhuhuhuh", or at least people doing impressions of him do. There you go - clear as mud.
Hi there Joanna--er--Scribes,
1. Well, Mr. PapinoWldm sent in a very... interesting letter. He claims that he's a loyal fan,
but will give up on Rare because of delays. I think that a loyal Rare fan would understand that
the reason that the games are so good is because of delays. A Rare fan would understand that you
delay games to make them better, and that Rare doesn't delay games for their own sick amusement.
Of course I was disappointed when PD missed a Christmas launch, but the Co-op mode is by
far my favorite part of the game.
2. I've spent many sleepless nights pondering whether the company's name is "Rare", or
"Rareware". Which is it?
3. Have you guys finally decided to go easy on the gamers? I'm talking about the cheats in
PD. Nearly half of them can be unlocked with minimal effort. I was expecting
invincibility to be the most difficult cheat to get, but it only took me a few tries.
5. In the special PD level "The Duel", one of the objectives says to defeat -
(Snip. - Ed)
6. So, you wanted to compare two B-list American sitcoms? How about Family Matters and
ALF. Silly me, those are two A-list shows, but still, which is better?
7. "In fact I don't think the madness will end until... until Mr. Pants is killed off - once
and for all! What do you say to that then, eh?"
Noooooooo! You can't kill Mr. Pants. Even if you succeed in doing so, I've already got a
replacement. He's none other than Perfect Dark's wimpy computer hacker, Grimshaw! My
will show you what I mean. He also has a pair of large comedy pants. He likes to
bring his son Peanut the Third to work with him. If you're observant, you might have noticed
something in the upper-right hand corner. As you may have guessed, it's a morph of Mr. Bean and
Tekken 3's Heihachi. I put that in there for no reason at all. Don't you get it? If Mr.
Pants dies, Mr. Grimshaw will get revenge.
P.S. I've got nothing more to say... sorry. It's just that I thought you would think less of me
if I didn't include a "P.S."
1. You speak as if you come to Scribes expecting a celebration of logic and common sense.
2. Rare Ltd. Rareware is the stuff we produce. I'd imagine.
3. Designer! "Arguably, the people most in need of the invincibility cheat are the players who
will be shot by the guards shortly after they've finished bumping into all of the walls on the
level while emptying all of their bullets into the floor or ceiling. Connoisseurs, on the other
hand, will be looking for different cheats to add to their experience of the game, rather than
one which enables you to get away with playing badly..."
4. Common problem. Increase your fibre intake.
5. Whoa there, Betty! Potential spoilers for those who haven't played the game or made it that far,
don't you know. Also saves me from having to answer the question - excellent.
6. I barely remember Alf and I've never heard of Family Matters, but it sounds pretty
7. Let's nip the Grimshaw Fan Club in the bud before it even gets up and running, shall we? The
last thing any of us want when we go out drinking with the bloke who voiced him is that sodding
Grimshaw voice all night.
Hear me loud, Scribes,
Well, well, well. There I go, arsing about with MS Paint to make a moderately amusing picture of
a rival to Mr Pants, so I can get my letter printed, and what happens? A cult is set up in honour
of my picture. Damnit, what am I? A freak magnet? Well, I think I've learned my lesson. Now I
know how you feel, being bombarded by Mr Pant pictures constantly. I shall never make a crappy
picture again! Apart from maybe
And, Mr Trout Fan Club members, whoever the hell you are, send me lots of cash, and I will draw
more Mr Trout pictures. Bwhahaha! Bah. I'm as bad as them now. Tsk.
Anyway, here's some Q's to make this letter Rare related;
1. Will Perfect Dark GB be like Metal Gear Solid, with an emphasis on sneaking
about rather than shooting anything that moves?
2. Any chance of telling us what the transfer pack will do? Will it enhance the N64 version of
PD, or the GB one. Or both?
3. Will Conker's BFD be more like JFG or BT? From the footage I've seen,
it looks more linear than BT, and with shooting sections that look remarkably like
p.s. I must admit, that Mr Trout theme tune is rather good. Mr Trout, Mr Trout, Mr Trrrroooout!
p.p.s. Oop, nearly forgot. Wah, why is PD coming out in US before UK, wah, it's not fair,
I will boycott the game, etc.
Hey - you should have written 'Tommy Fishfinger' on his hat! That would have been really... bad.
Anyway, you can't seriously expect Mr. Trout to propose any sort of challenge to the
newly-revitalised Mr. Pants after the glory that is Mr. Pants 2000 (you'll see what I mean
in a few letters' time). The followers of Trout will be deserting in their droves, or at least they
would be if there had ever been more than three or four of them in the first place.
You should also know by now that the inclusion of relevant questions isn't exactly a prerequisite
to getting your letter printed. In fact you can wait until the Game Boy Tepid Seat for your PD
answers, and as for Conker, it's not much like either game really (and most of the shooty
bits happen in multiplayer).
I must say that the Perfect Dark voices are... amusing. You chaps certainly must have
been practicing your American accents for a long time! Especially the hacker in the room of the
institute, I must say every American wishes he or she had a voice like him.
Seriously, though, PD is a fantastic game, and I hope Rare makes more crazy adventures
with Joanna. I'm also patiently waiting for BFD, which not only looks very cool, but it
also looks very cool. Redundant, yes, but it certainly makes sense to me. I'd list off questions,
but the odds are I'll find out the answers to all of them in the future, so instead I'll leave
you with this: These are not my pants.
Mog, eh? Are you my cat? Get out of the kitchen, you fat waster.
PD's designer reiterates: "That was the point of Grimshaw's voice. It is meant to sound
like that. Gets the trigger finger going, doesn't it?"
WHAT THE #&!!? Jet Force Gemini is one of the best N64 games out there, but the ending is
what, a whole 2 MINUTES LONG?!!?! Come on, 2 MINUTES!! Sure it's a happy ending, and it's also a
good ending, but after 40 hours of playing the game, saving all the Tribals, and having to fight
with Floyd to get him to go where you want him to, all we get is a 2 minute ending?! You guys
should take a note from Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and have a 10-15 minute ending. I mean if
you can give DK64 such a long ending, why not JFG? And Juno was my favorite character
until I saw his fruity disco dance. I just hope Perfect Dark's ending is worth it.
Oh, stop complaining. JFG's ending was fantastic. If its 'fruity' nature made you scowl
rather than laugh, you should lighten up a bit before you find yourself writing letters like the
next one. And besides, the designer's last attempt at an ending sequence was in Blast Corps:
think Platinum medals and say no more.
What's this I hear about having to purchase Perfect Dark with the Expansion Pak (so told
in local 'GAME' shop)? Surely that is incredibly unfair for those of us who bothered to buy one
when it first came out. Besides who can take full benefit of Expansion Pak games if they still
haven't got one!!!
This is another fine example of 'money grabbing, monopolising console companies' and I suppose
you get a nice little back-hander at the same time?
It is totally out of order if you expect us to purchase Perfect Dark at a cost of � -
� pounds just because some idiots still haven't expanded their N64! What have they been doing
all this time?
I sincerely hope you'll provide people with the option to purchase PD on its tod rather
than ripping off N64 fans even more.
Even if it was our decision, and even if it was 'the done thing' to slate other people for not
having an Expansion Pak simply because it doesn't suit you, and even if it was generally wise to
write angry letters to a developer based on nothing but a rumour from your local games shop staff,
the fact would remain that you've got all your facts arse-backwards and there is no obligatory
PD Expansion Pak bundle. Hey, thanks for the letter!
Once again bhlaab comes back with more pants-induced items! One more fak-erm-REAL screenshot of
Mr. Pants's Dreamland 2! Hurrah! But alas, this is not all! I have used my big genious,
my big big genious, my big good genious to bring you Edit Mr. Pants!
With this program you can alter Mr. Pants however you desire! I made
a sample one
so you can see the utter possibilities with Edit Mr. Pants. Hooray!
Hmm... sometimes I wonder if I take this Mr. Pants thing a smidge too far...
Next time put your big 'genious' to better use learning how to spell 'genius', man. Honestly. And
while Edit Mr. Pants shows a 'commendable' level of 'devotion' in itself, I think it's safe to say
you haven't yet taken the Pants thing as far as this next fellow...
That's it. I've had enough, and I've come to the conclusion that the only way to stop the
oh-so-irksome tide of Pants-related chicanery is to finally give up and subdue the clamouring
masses with a Mr. Pants game. I don't think I can face up to reading another Scribes until the
matter is resolved and I hate to think of Leigh losing sleep over the prospect of collecting his
e-mail each morning... so I've decided to step in.
Step forward Mr. Pants 2000 - a simple arcade-style game, fun to play and simple to use by
anyone who can compose a legible e-mail... and I'm sure the AOL users will find someone to install
it for them. The game can be found here:
Mr. Pants 2000
So, dear readers, I beg you; play the game, enjoy the game, and stop writing in about Mr. Pants...
it's just not funny any more. (Sobs) Scribes readers came dangerously close to eradicating all
possible comedy value from the word 'arse' some months ago, and you risk forever tainting the
innocence and obscurity of the detrousered one if you continue...
Can we talk about Twiglets instead? Good. Dear god, Twiglets are arse. I have never had the
misfortune to eat such a despicable snack - how people prefer them to Matchmakers I'll never know.
If it hadn't been for the joint influence of Paul Merton and "Whose Line is it Anyway?" they'd
never have risen to popularity...
(As the first "Mr. Twiglet" picture lands in his inbox, Leigh screams...)
I don't know which is more disturbing - the fact that you've gone ahead and made this or the amount
of time I've spent playing the damn thing. Either way, there's no denying that this is far and away
the best Mr. Pants attachment that Scribes has seen to date. Congratulations, or something.
However, I doubt that it'll have the desired effect of putting an end to all future Pants
attachments: in fact it's more likely that we'll just get loads of people sending in their high
scores along with all the usual ropey pictures and stuff. Perhaps Mr. Pants' fan base will even
expand thanks to his starring role in this blistering arcade epic (which is doing the company
rounds as we speak, you'll be pleased to hear, though I doubt anyone else has broken the 80000
barrier yet - hah).
And I refuse to talk about Twiglets because even the thought of their ungodly stench makes my
My name is Garry Haywood. Right now I'm playing Tomorrow Never Dies with one hand.
Guess what I'm doing with the other hand.
Updating Scribes? Oh God, no! I'm so confused...
I know that Perfect Dark will be rubbish, as Robbie Coltrane is not in it. Or is there a
similiar fat-man-with-blank-face-who-can-run-at-enormous-speed character to replace him?
That sounds exactly like an old recurring nightmare of mine.
Here's a silly rumor I heard that needs some authoritative shooting down: Someone mentioned that
Atic Atac is hidden somewhere in DKR. Please deny that, would you? It would save me
a lot of trouble...
Why not complete it 20 times in succession and find out? Haha.
Is it true that Mr. Blonde is Mr. Pants' long lost illegitimate son?
Well, there is a certain curious resemblance...
I do find it amusing that my letter drove a man to contemplate the murder of a cartoon character
that he created. (I'll try not to be smug about it.)
It won't be so funny when his followers burn your house down.
About how much is a pound compared to a dollar? It is easier to persuade my parents to buy
something for me when I confuse them.
You can make them think they live in another country? Nice one.
I liked Tiptup the first time I played DKR. His big, confused eyes, his potentially drunken
wiggle, his wonderful little cry of "Hey! It's Tiptup!", but most of all, when rejected, he always
screamed like a drunk and it looked as though he was peeing out sparks!
Matt Stefaniuk, Sadistic Monkey Extraordinaire
That must be what drew everyone else to him as well.
Rate the following in order 1 to 5: Wispa Gold, Kit Kat Chunky, Yorkie, Smarties and Fruit
Ooh, that's hard. Um... 2, 1, 5, 3, 4.
I don't claim to be any gynaecologist, but could you please clear up what Tripedox meant by a
"pussy ass girl"?
Hu Man Bing
Don't ask me to delve that deeply into his mind.
I live in Austria and I can磘 wait for Perfect Dark to be released. Any idea when I should
pay a visit to my local VG store? Thank you so much for releasing it here! (since those stinky
Germans can磘 cope with brutal games and such)
Moosegger Ferdl (I guess this beats "Remko Ruskus")
No idea, I'm afraid... and yes, it probably does.
June 5, 2000
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December 24, 1998
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